Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the "smug" poster.

We have four grown daughters and none is anywhere near to being a dud. They're all smart, kind, well educated, caring, loving, funny, self-supporting, treat their parents extremely well, and the three who are married have all chosen partners who are wonderful people. We are truly blessed.

You're the "I did everything right" poster? I'm happy for you either way, but not sure why you would feel the need to post on this thread. It's like posting how thing and fit you are on a thread about trying to lose weight and get in shape. Sort of a weird need....

Np an agreed. I never understand the posters who jump on threads to boast about the opposite of the topic.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think it’s heredity. More than likely, when parents don’t agree on childrearing, kids take the easy way out.

Between stuff like ADHD, which are very inheritable, and ambition and general attitude, where you learn by example, the family you were born into and raised in, determines a lot of the outcomes.

Didn't read the whole thread, but Carl Jung once wrote that "The greatest burden a child must bear is the unlived life of the parents."

https://www.triplemoonpsychotherapy.com/blog/greatestburden

I used to find things like that interesting and intellectually challenging to think about. Now that I'm a parent, I really wonder if any of that crap -- er, stuff -- actually applies. So much of life as a parent is just trying to survive from one day to the next. Just SURVIVE. Is the unlived life of the parent really there, out of sight, influencing the child? Or is it just an integral part of the parent?

I have no background in psychology, but from what I've read about this quote, Jung was explaining that many parents have unresolved issues, hopes, dreams, etc... in their lives ("unlived lives") that consciously or subconsciously get passed on to their kids through day-to-day parenting. As for "surviving," there's no doubt about that. There's very little time for the self-reflection necessary to resolve long-extant issues (assuming awareness of them). The image of a gerbil on a wheel comes to mind.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think it’s heredity. More than likely, when parents don’t agree on childrearing, kids take the easy way out.

Between stuff like ADHD, which are very inheritable, and ambition and general attitude, where you learn by example, the family you were born into and raised in, determines a lot of the outcomes.

Didn't read the whole thread, but Carl Jung once wrote that "The greatest burden a child must bear is the unlived life of the parents."

https://www.triplemoonpsychotherapy.com/blog/greatestburden

I used to find things like that interesting and intellectually challenging to think about. Now that I'm a parent, I really wonder if any of that crap -- er, stuff -- actually applies. So much of life as a parent is just trying to survive from one day to the next. Just SURVIVE. Is the unlived life of the parent really there, out of sight, influencing the child? Or is it just an integral part of the parent?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think it’s heredity. More than likely, when parents don’t agree on childrearing, kids take the easy way out.

Between stuff like ADHD, which are very inheritable, and ambition and general attitude, where you learn by example, the family you were born into and raised in, determines a lot of the outcomes.

Didn't read the whole thread, but Carl Jung once wrote that "The greatest burden a child must bear is the unlived life of the parents."

https://www.triplemoonpsychotherapy.com/blog/greatestburden

We for sure thought my daughter would be living with us forever.

Low achiever in school, had a hard time keeping a job, dropped out of college to move in with us.

Started seeing a therapist because she was basically agoraphobic. DH and I debated whether or not to kick her out to see if she’d flourish. She was about 22 at the roughest point.

Ended up having pretty sufficient anxiety and ADHD and once she was properly medicated (something I fight against her entire life, my deepest regret) she started doing really well. At first progress was slow but now she’s 31, a PA (two years into the job and loves it) and happily engaged to a wonderful successful man.

Never at any point in raising her did is well this in her future.

Anonymous wrote:I'm the "smug" poster.

We have four grown daughters and none is anywhere near to being a dud. They're all smart, kind, well educated, caring, loving, funny, self-supporting, treat their parents extremely well, and the three who are married have all chosen partners who are wonderful people. We are truly blessed.

Well not duds maybe but they probably inherited your lack of empathy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the "smug" poster.

We have four grown daughters and none is anywhere near to being a dud. They're all smart, kind, well educated, caring, loving, funny, self-supporting, treat their parents extremely well, and the three who are married have all chosen partners who are wonderful people. We are truly blessed.

You're the "I did everything right" poster? I'm happy for you either way, but not sure why you would feel the need to post on this thread. It's like posting how thing and fit you are on a thread about trying to lose weight and get in shape. Sort of a weird need....

***thin*** and fit.

Anonymous wrote:I'm the "smug" poster.

We have four grown daughters and none is anywhere near to being a dud. They're all smart, kind, well educated, caring, loving, funny, self-supporting, treat their parents extremely well, and the three who are married have all chosen partners who are wonderful people. We are truly blessed.

You're the "I did everything right" poster? I'm happy for you either way, but not sure why you would feel the need to post on this thread. It's like posting how thing and fit you are on a thread about trying to lose weight and get in shape. Sort of a weird need....

I'm the "smug" poster.

We have four grown daughters and none is anywhere near to being a dud. They're all smart, kind, well educated, caring, loving, funny, self-supporting, treat their parents extremely well, and the three who are married have all chosen partners who are wonderful people. We are truly blessed.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Out of all the people I know who are meh about their kids or regret having kids, all of them have boys. I think daughters are superior children.

You are a troll. But I'll bite.

Boys experience ADHD/anxiety/Learning disabilities/depression/etc at a much higher level than girls. Our education system is more geared towards typical girls---sitting at desks all day and having to focus for long periods which is incredibly hard for any kid with ADHD tendencies. My daughters could sit for hours and read books/color/focus at age 2, whereas I had to read to my son at age 2 while he ran around the playroom--he was listening but no way he was gonna sit still while I read to him for more than 2-3 mins, just was not going to happen, if he was awake he was going to be moving around constantly.

It's been that way since schools existed. We just push kids who would have fallen off track early along until eventually they fall off down the road. A kid who would have been left school young is now supported through at least high school and then we wonder why they can never launch

Totally agree! That DS was never diagnosed with ADHD until college. hit college and it was a huge adjustment. But he only got thru HS doing well because we had the money and time to get intensive academic help, social help, therapy to help him thrive. Without it, he'd likely have burnt out with low self esteem by HS.

Note: he's now a college grad, with a 3.6gpa, employed at a great company and functioning extremely well as an "adult". But without those tools and my involvement (school said he had no issues and was doing "fine" so didn't need anything else in ES), he might not be a successful adult in his mid-20s. It's so very easy for boys, but really anyone who learns differently to fall between the cracks

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are two posts in the relationship forum re: dud husbands/wives, so I thought I'd start one here for dud children. Anyone willing to admit they have dud adult kids? I married a dud (divorced), and I feel like my kids are turning out to be dud'ish like him. It makes me so sad because I suspect that dud-like behavior is hereditary. For the record, three boys, 20, 22 and 26.

Not sure if this is a troll post...but if it isn't, OP-would you feel the same way about your kids if they were three girls? Also, they are still young and lots of young folks are not fully ripened yet. It seems early to decide they are 'duds'. I have 4 of my 6 kids in their 20's and there is a huge difference between 20 and 30.

Op here, and no this is not at all a troll post. And yes, if they were girls, dudness would likely be more pronounced since society is harder on women. I'm not being hard on my kids; I am calling a spade a spade. They are very similar to my ex as far as low ambition and pulling teeth to get small tasks completed.

I started the s/o thread to attack/identify the root of the problem: Dud adults/spouses were once somebody's dud children. The problem with assigning youth as an excuse is that the husbands and wives who are current duds were likely that way in their 20's too. I am certain their parents saw it and happily married the kids off to be someone else's problem. No way in hell dud-ways first emerge in a marriage. If you are married to a dud, you were dud-duped.

Society is a lot easier on girls and women in this regard. A DD living at home and working a dead end job is over looked, a DS in the same situation is thought of as a loser. There is no pressure(socially or from society) for a girl/woman to find a good job, live on their own, etc. it is not the same for males. Right now 52% of young adults 18-29 live at home- 49% female and 55% males.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Out of all the people I know who are meh about their kids or regret having kids, all of them have boys. I think daughters are superior children.

You are a troll. But I'll bite.

Boys experience ADHD/anxiety/Learning disabilities/depression/etc at a much higher level than girls. Our education system is more geared towards typical girls---sitting at desks all day and having to focus for long periods which is incredibly hard for any kid with ADHD tendencies. My daughters could sit for hours and read books/color/focus at age 2, whereas I had to read to my son at age 2 while he ran around the playroom--he was listening but no way he was gonna sit still while I read to him for more than 2-3 mins, just was not going to happen, if he was awake he was going to be moving around constantly.

WRONG. ADHD has the same prevalence across sex. Check your bias.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Out of all the people I know who are meh about their kids or regret having kids, all of them have boys. I think daughters are superior children.

You are a troll. But I'll bite.

Boys experience ADHD/anxiety/Learning disabilities/depression/etc at a much higher level than girls. Our education system is more geared towards typical girls---sitting at desks all day and having to focus for long periods which is incredibly hard for any kid with ADHD tendencies. My daughters could sit for hours and read books/color/focus at age 2, whereas I had to read to my son at age 2 while he ran around the playroom--he was listening but no way he was gonna sit still while I read to him for more than 2-3 mins, just was not going to happen, if he was awake he was going to be moving around constantly.

It's been that way since schools existed. We just push kids who would have fallen off track early along until eventually they fall off down the road. A kid who would have been left school young is now supported through at least high school and then we wonder why they can never launch

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Out of all the people I know who are meh about their kids or regret having kids, all of them have boys. I think daughters are superior children.

You are a troll. But I'll bite.

Boys experience ADHD/anxiety/Learning disabilities/depression/etc at a much higher level than girls. Our education system is more geared towards typical girls---sitting at desks all day and having to focus for long periods which is incredibly hard for any kid with ADHD tendencies. My daughters could sit for hours and read books/color/focus at age 2, whereas I had to read to my son at age 2 while he ran around the playroom--he was listening but no way he was gonna sit still while I read to him for more than 2-3 mins, just was not going to happen, if he was awake he was going to be moving around constantly.

+1 I think they should have special "magnet" schools for boys who are very physical. Why can you go to a school that focuses on art or music or theater or aeronautics, but not one that focuses on sports? One of my DS could be physically active literally all day long if given the chance. It's cruel to make someone like that sit in a chair all day.

Anonymous wrote:Out of all the people I know who are meh about their kids or regret having kids, all of them have boys. I think daughters are superior children.

You are a troll. But I'll bite.

Boys experience ADHD/anxiety/Learning disabilities/depression/etc at a much higher level than girls. Our education system is more geared towards typical girls---sitting at desks all day and having to focus for long periods which is incredibly hard for any kid with ADHD tendencies. My daughters could sit for hours and read books/color/focus at age 2, whereas I had to read to my son at age 2 while he ran around the playroom--he was listening but no way he was gonna sit still while I read to him for more than 2-3 mins, just was not going to happen, if he was awake he was going to be moving around constantly.