Anonymous
Post 08/01/2022 16:19     Subject: 24 year old DD angry at her dad post-divorce
You need to make sure she has all the facts correct then let time take care of hurt feelings
Anonymous
Post 08/01/2022 16:18     Subject: 24 year old DD angry at her dad post-divorce
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:There is clearly more to this and he took the blame for the divorce. You need to help fix this.


Did he take the blame, or was his ego so fragile tha5 he couldn’t cope with people knowing he’d been dumped?


Wow, she should have taken responsibility, did not and he played nice guy and still gets crapped on.


Sounds like OP is letting the Ex take the fall in all this. That doesn't seem fair. She knows her daughter doesn't have all the info but seems content to wash her hands of the mess she created.


Doesn't seem fair to whom?

The only 2 people who need fairness here are OP and her ex. He is okay with the narrative they gave her. OP can try to convince him to change it, but it is not unfair if that is what they want. The daughter needs some consideration but it's nothing close to fairness.


This is an adult child we are talking about. Her parents don't owe her an everlasting marriage. They did their best. She needs to grow up and deal.



I agree with you in the sense that OP's daughter should seek out talk therapy to navigate these feelings. She is an adult and has to manage her own feelings and relationships. BUT I know 3 adult women well whose parents divorced when they were in college (or just out). These were all low conflict marriages/divorces, so they were completely blindsided. They still have issues with their parents, even into their 40s. I think once your kids are older teens and you are thinking of divorcing it is probably best to start subtly letting your adult kids know you aren't happy in the marriage so they won't be blindsided. These 3 are also people who always romanticized their family of origin and growing up. It must be a personality type that is susceptible to this, but it does seem to be fairly common.
Anonymous
Post 08/01/2022 16:13     Subject: 24 year old DD angry at her dad post-divorce
Anonymous wrote:My ex and I had an amicable, conflict-free divorce soon after our DD graduated from college. We're both much happier now. I asked for the divorce because our interests had diverged and I mostly wasn't interested in negotiating the rest of my life. I wanted more freedom and autonomy than I had while raising DD. Despite our reasons for splitting, I think we maintained a mostly healthy, happy home for our DD together. He was always an active, involved, responsible parent. My ex did not want to tell DD that I asked for the divorce because he said it was a joint decision. A couple months ago, when he announced he had a serious new partner, DD went ballistic at him. She blames him for all the unhappiness in the marriage in ways that I don't share and credits him with none of our good times. Our formerly happy and well-adjusted child now describes our home life as unrecognizably awful. DD and I still talk every few days but she has pretty much cut off communications with my ex. He writes her every week not expecting any response. I know it is making him miserable and he is desperate to reconnect with her. He reaches out to me when he really wants to know what's going on with DD. He tells me that he doesn't think there is anything he can do except wait and stay constant in his desire to connect and build an adult relationship. I sympathize for him and I want my DD to have a loving relationship with her father. Part of me wants to tell DD that it was my decision to divorce and to stop blaming her father. But mostly I think that my DD and ex need to figure it out themselves to move forward. Is there anything I can or should think about doing to facilitate their reconciliation? It's not my role as a parent of an adult child or as an ex-spouse, right?


I like your ex. He seems like a good dude and reasonable. I think you should tell her (it's your choice), that it was you who asked for divorce. At that point, you have done all you can to straighten out any possible misunderstanding. If your daughter finds out much later down the path (and staying mad at her dad all those years), she will blame it squarely on you and rightfully so.
Anonymous
Post 08/01/2022 16:08     Subject: Re:24 year old DD angry at her dad post-divorce
Anonymous wrote:Do not get involved in their relationship. If he thinks it would be better for her to know that you wanted the divorce, he can tell her that.


That's asking OP to be complicit in promoting a lie. It's not true that her ex was responsible for their divorce. Why in the world would the OP not correct that misconception immediately?
Anonymous
Post 08/01/2022 16:02     Subject: 24 year old DD angry at her dad post-divorce
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'd tell him it was your idea to divorce. This isn't fair. I have a hunch that while you may have told her it was a joint decision, she's pinning it on him.


This. She may even think he was having an affair. Tell her it was your idea. Why wouldn’t you tell her the truth?


What if he was having an affair and was relieved when OP asked for divorce. What if he was wishing for a divorce when OP happened to ask? Does that change the story. Maybe he has a good reason why he wants these things to be left alone.
Anonymous
Post 08/01/2022 16:00     Subject: 24 year old DD angry at her dad post-divorce
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:There is clearly more to this and he took the blame for the divorce. You need to help fix this.


Did he take the blame, or was his ego so fragile tha5 he couldn’t cope with people knowing he’d been dumped?


Wow, she should have taken responsibility, did not and he played nice guy and still gets crapped on.


Sounds like OP is letting the Ex take the fall in all this. That doesn't seem fair. She knows her daughter doesn't have all the info but seems content to wash her hands of the mess she created.


Doesn't seem fair to whom?

The only 2 people who need fairness here are OP and her ex. He is okay with the narrative they gave her. OP can try to convince him to change it, but it is not unfair if that is what they want. The daughter needs some consideration but it's nothing close to fairness.

This is an adult child we are talking about. Her parents don't owe her an everlasting marriage. They did their best. She needs to grow up and deal.

Anonymous
Post 08/01/2022 09:05     Subject: 24 year old DD angry at her dad post-divorce
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:She’s jealous. It’s Oedipal. This is why if I date a divorced man, I only date men who have sons. No daughters. Even grown daughters can cause problems.


Nobody believes Freud anyone. You are totally wrong and sexist as well.

https://science.howstuffworks.com/life/inside-the-mind/human-brain/oedipus-complex.htm


Ok, I posted this and I agree Freud and the actual Oedipal complex may not be spot on.

But yes, daughters typically have a tougher time with their dads dating than sons do.


Agree. There is something psychological to this. OP said: "A couple months ago, when he announced he had a serious new partner, DD went ballistic at him. She blames him for all the unhappiness in the marriage in ways that I don't share and credits him with none of our good times."

No indication that daughter had a problem with father post-divorce. She went ballistic and cut him off once he said he was dating someone.

Anonymous
Post 07/31/2022 10:46     Subject: 24 year old DD angry at her dad post-divorce
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:She’s jealous. It’s Oedipal. This is why if I date a divorced man, I only date men who have sons. No daughters. Even grown daughters can cause problems.


Nobody believes Freud anyone. You are totally wrong and sexist as well.

https://science.howstuffworks.com/life/inside-the-mind/human-brain/oedipus-complex.htm


Ok, I posted this and I agree Freud and the actual Oedipal complex may not be spot on.

But yes, daughters typically have a tougher time with their dads dating than sons do.
Anonymous
Post 07/29/2022 20:42     Subject: 24 year old DD angry at her dad post-divorce
Anonymous wrote:I'd tell him it was your idea to divorce. This isn't fair. I have a hunch that while you may have told her it was a joint decision, she's pinning it on him.


This. She may even think he was having an affair. Tell her it was your idea. Why wouldn’t you tell her the truth?
Anonymous
Post 07/29/2022 20:33     Subject: 24 year old DD angry at her dad post-divorce
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:She’s jealous. It’s Oedipal. This is why if I date a divorced man, I only date men who have sons. No daughters. Even grown daughters can cause problems.


Nobody believes Freud anyone. You are totally wrong and sexist as well.

https://science.howstuffworks.com/life/inside-the-mind/human-brain/oedipus-complex.htm



She is so right.
Anonymous
Post 07/17/2022 16:25     Subject: 24 year old DD angry at her dad post-divorce
Anonymous wrote:She’s jealous. It’s Oedipal. This is why if I date a divorced man, I only date men who have sons. No daughters. Even grown daughters can cause problems.


Nobody believes Freud anyone. You are totally wrong and sexist as well.

https://science.howstuffworks.com/life/inside-the-mind/human-brain/oedipus-complex.htm
Anonymous
Post 07/17/2022 15:54     Subject: 24 year old DD angry at her dad post-divorce
This is why "waiting till the kids are grown" to divorce is such a bad idea.

Your DD grew up in a home with at least one unhappy parent. There is NO WAY she didn't feel that. So her childhood was marred by that on some level, if only subsconsciously.

Then you finally decided to divorce after she became an adult, confirming that -- yes! your entire childhood was a big, fat lie.

Now she is looking back, questioning every moment that seemed happy and normal and wondering if she will ever trust a happy moment again.

You do them NO favors by "staying together for the kids." You really just torpedo their chances at happiness.

Anonymous
Post 07/17/2022 15:15     Subject: Re:24 year old DD angry at her dad post-divorce
OP, why on earth do you think it’s not your job to help your daughter in this mess that you made for her?
Anonymous
Post 07/17/2022 15:10     Subject: 24 year old DD angry at her dad post-divorce
Anonymous wrote:Well, this will mess with this DD's relationships/view of marriage, forever, going forward. Best DD get into some counseling. She's not taking this well. Her own chances of having a happy, successful marriage have been greatly diminished by the divorce. It's not nothing.


+1 this is so damn sad and OP doesn’t even acknowledge the selfishness of this decision
Anonymous
Post 07/17/2022 15:04     Subject: Re:24 year old DD angry at her dad post-divorce
Why wouldn't you get involved? You don't need to defend him, but you need to stand up for yourself to her. You were not the victim here and you don't need her fighting your battles.