Without reading the whole thread, I'm so sorry OP. You must be devastated. I would be too. I'm sure I am in the minority for saying this, but there's no hard and fast rule about what you should do. If you want to divorce, or if you want to try to forgive him, after giving him hell to pay. Again, I'm sorry. This is awful.

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry OP.

First, just put on your oxygen mask. Make sure you are eating, sleeping, and staying hydrated. Foist childcare onto your DH or a babysitter. Take care of you.

Yeah, you don't want to tell EVERYONE, but as a betrayed wife myself, let me just say that it's BS that we're supposed to keep this a secret. Tell your best friend; tell your sister. You will need them. They will love and forgive your DH if you decide to. IF.

If OW has a husband, tell him. But I'm guessing she doesn't if she thinks this Hail Mary will score her your cheating husband. Maybe she left hers at the beginning of the affair? And now she's got a cost sunk thing going on? IDK, just guesses. We need more info to give better advice.

As for your DH, a lot depends on how he is acting now. Is he remorseful? Did he end it with her and now she's gone bunny boiler? Or is he blame-y and whiney and trying to shut down your questions and pain? Or have you not confronted him yet?

You don't need to make any decisions right now. You can separate, or not. You can ask him to stay with his mom or a friend, or not. See a lawyer. Get an STI panel. Take care of yourself (I signed myself up for monthly massages right after DDay, and I still go today, 7 years later . . . take care of you). Prioritize individual counseling for you both before marital counseling . . . too often you get a therapist trying to make everything 50/50 rather than treating an affair like the abusive trauma that it is.

You WILL get through this. You will be happy again. Deep breaths, and one step at a time. . . .

This post has some good advice in it. The bold is NOT among the good advice. OP should not descend to the AP's low, low level. Plus: The effort OP would spend on finding out how to tell the AP's husband is effort OP should be spending on other things like talking to a lawyer and a therapist and doing the self-care the PP rightly advocates.

Also, OP, you do not owe this PP, or any of us here, any further details about the other woman or her marriage etc. At all. Nope.

I do agree strongly that you should get tested for STDs immediately. Your DH can be remorseful as hell but viruses don't care about his remorse. And some STDs have virtually no symptoms for years, so it's impossible to know if one has them based on how one feels. Sadly, you need STD testing, at a minimum to rule them out so you can move on with that concern off your plate.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This sounds pretty hot honestly.

Yep.

Op - be honest.

1. Who is prettier?
2. Emotionally you’ll never have the connection with dh that she had in her teens with him

This site is the worst. PPs, you are psychos to hurt OP like this.

OP, I’m not in the all cheaters are awful camp , so I’ll get roasted here too but consider that we are all human, we make mistakes, and sometimes we fall in love with people we shouldn’t . (That said, she sounds really awful.)

PS No, I’ve neither cheated nor been cheated on but I have been tempted and found it a very difficult time. I hope I would have compassion for my DH if he found himself in a similar situation and gave into temptation.

DP. While this post is trying to approach OP's situation with kind thoughtfulness, PP, and you mean well, and I'm really not here to roast you at all -- I do want to note that it's inaccurate to compare her DH's three-year affair with someone merely "giving in to temptation."

A one night stand could be called "giving in to temptation." A three-year affair, with carefully planned rendezvous on the DH's work trips out of town--surely requiring some serious advance planning and logistics between him and the other woman--is absolutely not a momentary caving to temptation. It doesn't deserve OP's compassion. It's a devastating revelation that the DH was willing to put in a great deal of effort to create another life, one dismissing the existence of his wife, his children and his marriage. He didn't fall into bed with this other woman once or even twice. He created a sustained relationship with her.

Would you truly feel compassion for your DH if he carried on an affair for years, one which required him to make choices and plans to keep it going? I wouldn't.

OP's DH didn't "find himself" in a "situation." He created a situation of his own volition.

Yeah, I have been cheated on, and I did forgive, but it wasn't based on some lofty, emotionally distant sense that he just "found himself" in a situation. It was freaking hard work. I get human nature. I GET IT. That doesn't make it any less traumatic.

And OP, you should know that "long lost sweetheart" affairs are especially pernicious. It sounds like that isn't your issue here, since he ended it with OW. But of course we yearn to be seen as our young, "whole life in front of us" selves and our childhood sweetheart mirrors that person to us.

Anonymous wrote:I a DH.

DW hasn’t had sex with me in a decade. We can’t divorce due to finances, health insurance, kids, etc - basically life.

I’d take up with my HS sweetheart in a NY minute if she’d have me.

Most guys I know are not going to feck up a good thing on the home front for no reason.

So my question to OP is - how is your marriage ? Do you treat each other with love and respect ?

There is a reason he cheated with his HS sweetheart - it was emotional and that tells me something is missing in his life and marriage.

If there is still love there you should work to fix that together.

DP. "Do you treat each other with love and respect?"

You do know that's already been answered, right, PP? The DH answered it every day for three years with a resounding "No."

Anonymous wrote:

a DH.

DW hasn’t had sex with me in a decade. We can’t divorce due to finances, health insurance, kids, etc - basically life.

I’d take up with my HS sweetheart in a NY minute if she’d have me.

Most guys I know are not going to feck up a good thing on the home front for no reason.

So my question to OP is - how is your marriage ? Do you treat each other with love and respect ?

There is a reason he cheated with his HS sweetheart - it was emotional and that tells me something is missing in his life and marriage.

If there is still love there you should work to fix that together.

This is just bs. The reason he cheated has NOTHING to do with her. There may be marital issues, but cheating does not fix those. He cheated because of his own character defects. You don’t get to blame the victim here - you sound like a jerk.

Yeah that's total BS. SOME people deal with sexless marriages by cheating out of all the available options, including opening the marriage or divorcing. MANY people who cheat are NOT in sexless marriages, but the inducement to sleep with someone new makes them rewrite the marital history and suddenly a perfectly normal sex life is lacking. All people who are married have options beyond pretending to be monogamous while sleeping around behind their spouse's back. They just don't WANT to be a grownup and deal with the consequences of dealing with their issues honestly.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This sounds pretty hot honestly.

Yep.

Op - be honest.

1. Who is prettier?
2. Emotionally you’ll never have the connection with dh that she had in her teens with him

This site is the worst. PPs, you are psychos to hurt OP like this.

OP, I’m not in the all cheaters are awful camp , so I’ll get roasted here too but consider that we are all human, we make mistakes, and sometimes we fall in love with people we shouldn’t . (That said, she sounds really awful.)

PS No, I’ve neither cheated nor been cheated on but I have been tempted and found it a very difficult time. I hope I would have compassion for my DH if he found himself in a similar situation and gave into temptation.

DP. While this post is trying to approach OP's situation with kind thoughtfulness, PP, and you mean well, and I'm really not here to roast you at all -- I do want to note that it's inaccurate to compare her DH's three-year affair with someone merely "giving in to temptation."

A one night stand could be called "giving in to temptation." A three-year affair, with carefully planned rendezvous on the DH's work trips out of town--surely requiring some serious advance planning and logistics between him and the other woman--is absolutely not a momentary caving to temptation. It doesn't deserve OP's compassion. It's a devastating revelation that the DH was willing to put in a great deal of effort to create another life, one dismissing the existence of his wife, his children and his marriage. He didn't fall into bed with this other woman once or even twice. He created a sustained relationship with her.

Would you truly feel compassion for your DH if he carried on an affair for years, one which required him to make choices and plans to keep it going? I wouldn't.

OP's DH didn't "find himself" in a "situation." He created a situation of his own volition.

I'm so sorry OP.

First, just put on your oxygen mask. Make sure you are eating, sleeping, and staying hydrated. Foist childcare onto your DH or a babysitter. Take care of you.

Yeah, you don't want to tell EVERYONE, but as a betrayed wife myself, let me just say that it's BS that we're supposed to keep this a secret. Tell your best friend; tell your sister. You will need them. They will love and forgive your DH if you decide to. IF.

If OW has a husband, tell him. But I'm guessing she doesn't if she thinks this Hail Mary will score her your cheating husband. Maybe she left hers at the beginning of the affair? And now she's got a cost sunk thing going on? IDK, just guesses. We need more info to give better advice.

As for your DH, a lot depends on how he is acting now. Is he remorseful? Did he end it with her and now she's gone bunny boiler? Or is he blame-y and whiney and trying to shut down your questions and pain? Or have you not confronted him yet?

You don't need to make any decisions right now. You can separate, or not. You can ask him to stay with his mom or a friend, or not. See a lawyer. Get an STI panel. Take care of yourself (I signed myself up for monthly massages right after DDay, and I still go today, 7 years later . . . take care of you). Prioritize individual counseling for you both before marital counseling . . . too often you get a therapist trying to make everything 50/50 rather than treating an affair like the abusive trauma that it is.

You WILL get through this. You will be happy again. Deep breaths, and one step at a time. . . .

a DH.

DW hasn’t had sex with me in a decade. We can’t divorce due to finances, health insurance, kids, etc - basically life.

I’d take up with my HS sweetheart in a NY minute if she’d have me.

Most guys I know are not going to feck up a good thing on the home front for no reason.

So my question to OP is - how is your marriage ? Do you treat each other with love and respect ?

There is a reason he cheated with his HS sweetheart - it was emotional and that tells me something is missing in his life and marriage.

If there is still love there you should work to fix that together.

This is just bs. The reason he cheated has NOTHING to do with her. There may be marital issues, but cheating does not fix those. He cheated because of his own character defects. You don’t get to blame the victim here - you sound like a jerk.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This sounds pretty hot honestly.

Yep.

Op - be honest.

1. Who is prettier?
2. Emotionally you’ll never have the connection with dh that she had in her teens with him

Ok, this is crazy. I’m still kind of in love with my high school and college boyfriend. He’s married with kids and I haven’t seen him in years and would never ever have an affair with a married man. We were super serious and into each other for five years. On the rare occasion when we email, like every three years or so, I feel a connection and longing and we just click.

But I would never assert that I had a more special connection with him than he does with the mother of his children! That’s just nuts. And I don’t have kids

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband's high school sweetheart is a B____ with a capital B for telling you.

No. Op’s husband is an ahole for having a three year affair an assuming it would never get out. The other woman is irrelevant.

They're not mutually exclusive, you know. He can be an ahole and she can be a B_____ at the same time. She's worse than the husband anyway. To make HIM suffer she threw an innocent woman under the bus. Not cool.

You are very, very much in the minority for having this opinion.

Personally I would be thanking the OW for telling me.

No, the PP is not in the minority for thinking the HS affair partner is a despicable woman. She is trash both for having the affair AND for sharing it with the wife. Yes, it is probably true that the wife is better off in the long run to know. But that does not change what the HS sweetheart is. And by the way, there are a lot of words I’d use to describe her other than sweetheart.

I a DH.

DW hasn’t had sex with me in a decade. We can’t divorce due to finances, health insurance, kids, etc - basically life.

I’d take up with my HS sweetheart in a NY minute if she’d have me.

Most guys I know are not going to feck up a good thing on the home front for no reason.

So my question to OP is - how is your marriage ? Do you treat each other with love and respect ?

There is a reason he cheated with his HS sweetheart - it was emotional and that tells me something is missing in his life and marriage.

If there is still love there you should work to fix that together.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband's high school sweetheart is a B____ with a capital B for telling you.

No. Op’s husband is an ahole for having a three year affair an assuming it would never get out. The other woman is irrelevant.

They're not mutually exclusive, you know. He can be an ahole and she can be a B_____ at the same time. She's worse than the husband anyway. To make HIM suffer she threw an innocent woman under the bus. Not cool.

WTF?! Would you rather not know your husband was betraying you for three years?!

Whatever the other woman’s motives, it is a blessing she spilled the beans. OP can get honesty back in her life, on her terms.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This sounds pretty hot honestly.

Yep.

Op - be honest.

1. Who is prettier?
2. Emotionally you’ll never have the connection with dh that she had in her teens with him

This site is the worst. PPs, you are psychos to hurt OP like this.

OP, I’m not in the all cheaters are awful camp , so I’ll get roasted here too but consider that we are all human, we make mistakes, and sometimes we fall in love with people we shouldn’t . (That said, she sounds really awful.)

PS No, I’ve neither cheated nor been cheated on but I have been tempted and found it a very difficult time. I hope I would have compassion for my DH if he found himself in a similar situation and gave into temptation.

Anonymous wrote:This sounds pretty hot honestly.

Yep.

Op - be honest.

1. Who is prettier?
2. Emotionally you’ll never have the connection with dh that she had in her teens with him

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am writing it as someone whose exH carried over a hidden affair at work for 5 years. He also did it on work trips/abroad. In my case it was a strong emotional connection between the 2 of them, so he would not stop seeing her. And I wanted out, too as I didn't want to live as a family with his AP so involved in my marriage forever.

But if your husband is already broken up with that woman, she's already disposed of and irrelevant. Her texting you shows her weakness. Do not break your marriage over some whore. Particular if your husband wants to reconcile, work on the relationship. You have 3 kids to think of ! If otherwise the marriage felt good (no abuse, alcohol, he is a good earner) try to stick it out. Do not confront him openly, do not talk about a divorce. Give yourself time to line up finances, research lawyers, get all statements. Then keep it locked in your drawer until kids are out for college.

why isn't the husband a whore too?