A lot of these family issues stem from mental health being taboo in the past, and patients not having the psychiatric support they needed, as children and as adults. All these supposed "layabouts" probably have inattentive ADHD, HFA, depression, anxiety, etc, things that were not diagnosed or treated and that now are really hard to turn around.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s none of your business how she divides things. You should be grateful and appreciative for whatever you get.

Check the research and expert advice on this. It's really, really poor parenting that continues from the grave and leads to life long rifts. Parents can do whatever they want and their adult children are allowed to to be hurt. Your response is rude and shows ignorance to the dynamics. Nobody is owed anything.

This of it this way. You have young siblings playing nicely. They you take out a huge cookie and you give one most of the cookie and the other a small piece. Sure it's nice to get any cookie, but you have taken harmony and created extreme dysfunction.

There was a post here about an uncle who wanted to give unequally to his nephews. And someone said something very beautiful to the effect of -- love this nephew enough to not injure his relationship with his brother.

That doesn't apply here. OP already dislikes the brother. I doubt and equal inheritance is going to change that.

Her mother’s decision to give unequally makes it worse.

Is there any chance that your brother has a mental illness that your mother is aware of? And they haven’t shared the info with you?

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My mom is in excellent shape. Maybe better shape than me. Yes she may not always be that way. But not everyone needs care as they get older. Some people just die in their sleep or after a short illness. My grandma lived on her own until she died at 95. 100% independent. Yes she may need care but that is not a given.

Statistically, seniors who don't need care and die after a short illness are a RARITY. You might think it will happen to your mother because of good genetics, but actually it's a lottery. Seniors are fragile, and they're ALL one bad fall away from disability and needing round the clock care. PLEASE understand this, OP.

I agree with all the others who are trying to explain that sometimes parents know that one of their children will never get it together, and to help them lead a life of dignity, more help is needed. I have one child with ADHD and HFA, and one who is very functional. I hope to leave them equal amounts, but I could see how despite all his hard work, my child with SN might need more help. I would never want to hurt my successful child and make her feel as if her hard work is not rewarded. However she's lived with her brother all these years, and can see for herself what difficulties he has. These relationships are complex. Maybe it will turn out the other way - perhaps she'll be the one in difficulties, and her brother will be in a position of success. Anything can happen, and what matters is that we're a team and we're on the same side.

Also, if ever your brother helps your mother when she needs care, that is very valuable. Eldercare is terribly expensive, OP. You have no idea! If he doesn't do it himself, who will pay for it? Ask yourself that. Will the money come from your mother, will you have to pay something, will you stick her in a Medicaid nursing facility?

So... lots of things to think about.

Anonymous wrote:This is what my parents did. They are still alive but their will leaves everything to my brother. Idk what his problem is but he has a hard time holding down a job, has been fired or quit from many jobs, foreclosed on a house (that they bought him!), has a bad credit history, needs a guarantor just to sign a lease, etc.

It’s kind of irritating that they’re leaving him all their money but I’m more glad that I’m not in his position and don’t “need” their money just to get by.p, kwim?

I’d be pissed if I were you.

I am punished for working hard throughout my life. If it is not equal, then I don't want any money.

It can be about the money. You can still be a good person and it's about the money. It's also about respect. Clearly she has lost her marbles. Who is the Executor? Op, I would do this. Say to your Mom that your Brother should not have any more stress .... and highly suggest that you be the Executor. You'll have more control. You can meet with lawyers with her (only if you want) and have a reason to know more about the will. Research in your state what the Executor's fee is. You are entitled to a fee out of the estate. In some cases it's 10% of the value of the estate. Keep that info to yourself if you want but that might even things out a little.

This is when I start:
- Sorry I can't afford to send brother a bday, xmas etc gift. We really are stretched so thin
- Sorry I can't travel or go to any get togethers with you all we really can't afford it
- Sorry I couldn't invite you to Larla's bday party - we had to keep it really small because of finances.

This is what my parents did. They are still alive but their will leaves everything to my brother. Idk what his problem is but he has a hard time holding down a job, has been fired or quit from many jobs, foreclosed on a house (that they bought him!), has a bad credit history, needs a guarantor just to sign a lease, etc.

It’s kind of irritating that they’re leaving him all their money but I’m more glad that I’m not in his position and don’t “need” their money just to get by.p, kwim?

Golden child and scape goat.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s none of your business how she divides things. You should be grateful and appreciative for whatever you get.

Bullshit. You would be angry if you wre treated unequally.

We are treated unequally because we are not equal. We have different capabilities, different professions, different lifestyles, etc. I keep my eye on my own life. How much money anyone else gets is none of my business.

Different choices too.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand how you feel, OP. That's a lot of power to have over you, your brother and your future relationship.

For those posters who always say, "Get over it. It's their money" -- no one lives that way. Human beings are not machines. They have feelings and psychological history. etc.

An inheritance is family money. It affects the family. I'm sorry you are being hurt by this, OP.

Good post.


Also, all that money was earned by my dad. He would be horrified that my brother was so lazy.

I hope you acknowledge the part your mother played in your dad’s ability to earn all that money.

Anonymous wrote:OP is completely ignoring the fact that her brother has been living with their mother and presumably assisting her way more than OP is, and the burden will only get bigger as she ages. OP should be grateful for that, and recognize that it might come at a price.

This is best case scenario.

My uncle lived with my grandmother for years. And did very little. She cooked and cleaned daily. When she got sick, he was completely useless.

Anonymous wrote:You tell her she can do what she wants with her money but that her decisions will inevitably affect relationships after she’s gone. But remind her that above all you will never feel bad for developing strong work ethic and self-sufficiency, even if that’s not something she acknowledges. Then get some help to make sure you can truly do that. It sucks that families treat members unfairly (which isn’t always equal and would be entirely different if your brother lacked skills or had extenuating circumstances)

This is good advice. I'm in the same position as OP, except my lazy, unemployed 50yo brother doesn't live with my mother. Instead she pays for the townhouse where he lives with his children (older teens now). And like OP's situation, it's money that my father earned over a lifetime of hard work. How we got here is beyond me.

OP - i wrote earlier and hope you find some help/guidance in real life. Yours is the type of post (e.g., money, elderly people, rivalry) that usually results in reflexive anti-OP responses are you have gotten. There is little chance that this would happen in quite the same way in real life.

Anonymous wrote:Having witnessed terrible inheritance battles on my mother's side of the family, I am firmly in the camp of equal division, unless everyone is on board with a different plan. For example, my husband and his siblings have agreed that a larger portion would go to their oldest sibling, because he takes care of their aging mother.

If your brother ends up taking care of your mother, that is worth a LOT of money and peace of mind, OP. I think you need to make sure that happens. It would be the best scenario for your family.

It would be better for the care-giving sibling to receive a reasonable payment for services NOW, rather than a larger portion of the inheritance.