Anonymous
Post 06/26/2022 00:56     Subject: I insist on paying this right?
Anonymous wrote:This isn't really a private school question, but I think that private school culture plays a role.

We are a middle class family whose kids attend a very expensive school with a lot of financial aid. My kids are well cared for, and have everything they need, but there are definitely a lot of kids in their class with much bigger houses, pricier EC's, etc . . .

One of my kids has a good friend whose family has a lot of money. A few months ago, that kid invited my kid to do an activity. I looked up how much it cost, and sent that much money plus some extra, but wasn't really surprised that the money came back and kid reported that the parents had turned down his offer to pay for himself. Later, I found out that the parent had paid for a semi-private instructor for just the two kids, making the activity pretty expensive.

Since then, the kids have gotten together regularly. When they're at my house it's usually something free like play basketball in the driveway, and then eat some spaghetti and brownies I made at home. They've also ridden bikes to get ice cream and to our local pool, and we've paid for that, but I don't think I've ever spent more than $10 at a time. When the other family takes a turn, they always do the expensive activity, and the other parents pay, usually they go out to eat at a restaurant after.

The other mother commented that perhaps we should sign the kids up for a recurring lesson, so they get the same instructor and there's a routine. I said that sounded great, let's set up a schedule to take turns driving, and please send me a link to sign up and pay. She got really flustered and said oh no, she didn't mean I should pay, she was happy to do the driving and pay for the lesson and the activity, she was grateful her kid had such a nice friend.

To be clear, it's an expensive activity, but we can work it into the budget. The cost is not prohibitive. Kid really enjoys both the activity and the kid, and would be really happy if I proposed making it a regular thing.

How to proceed? I am uncomfortable with them paying, but also don't want to lose the friendship for my kid.


Good company is hard to find and can save a good kid from turning into trouble. This isn't entirely altruistic of this family, they see value in this friendship for their child. Don't make it weird and accept the offer.
Anonymous
Post 06/24/2022 23:47     Subject: I insist on paying this right?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:As often the wealthier parent in this scenario, when I offer to pay it is because I'm happy to do so and for my kid to get to spend time at an activity that she enjoys with a friend she enjoys. As someone earlier said -- you've offered twice, your kid's friend's parent said no twice. Be grateful and reciprocate with what you can offer -- time together at a less expensive activity is totally fine. People with the means to spend to make their children happy are usually happy to do that.


But OP has been clear that she can afford this activity, so there is no need for her to shut up and “be grateful”. It’s this subtle condescension that is annoying.


Sorry for not being clear. Meant gracious rather than grateful.
Anonymous
Post 06/24/2022 19:49     Subject: I insist on paying this right?
I paid for a bunch of coaching for my kids’ friends. I would offer to drive and not worry too much about the money.
Anonymous
Post 06/23/2022 16:31     Subject: I insist on paying this right?
OP, the other parent seems genuinely happy (and prepared) to pay. I would just say thank you and move forward. Just continue to reciprocate in other ways - even if that is just inviting the friend over. Offering to drive is also nice, I'm sure.
Anonymous
Post 06/23/2022 16:27     Subject: I insist on paying this right?
It can be a logistical challenge to split all these various payments. My son has done ice skating lessons with friends and we split the cost, but every week it’s a nightmare. We all go in together but some kids have skates and some don’t, some siblings are there for free-skate so there’s a fee for that, and then we pay the instructor directly via Venmo, and sometimes there’s an extra kid so it is split 3 ways or someone is sick and so it’s just one kid, but then is that family still on the hook for half the lesson, and there’s all this venmo-ing back and forth. If I were rich, I would rather just foot the bill every time and stop with all the nonsense.

I think you are thinking way too much about how this other family feels about you and what if their kid thinks your kid is only there because it’s free and he is poor etc. and your son would do it anyway even if the friend quits. A lot of speculation and drama for no reason. The mom was flustered when you asked, but it’s not like she threw a fit and was offended you wanted to pay, or made a comment about how you are so poor you should save up for college or whatever.

I think you can offer again, over e-mail or text so she isn’t put on the spot. Just say Larlo has been loving the lessons, I’d like to pay for the next month, how can I do that? Or say you’d be happy to Venmo her for half! Keep offering to drive when you can. But ultimately pushing and pushing on this issue is going to make things much more awkward than just saying thanks.

And get him skates! Go to an ice skating store (we like the ice plex in Arlington, I think it’s Med Star now). Then you don’t have to worry about factoring in the coat for those and it isn’t nearly as expensive, plus they are better quality.
Anonymous
Post 06/23/2022 13:31     Subject: I insist on paying this right?
OP, have experienced similar situations and we often treat a kid’s friend and pay for stuff because the benefits of them being together and having fun are so strong. It sounds like your kid may be a great friend and they probably consider him a positive influence for their kid. I would not worry about it, reciprocate in other ways and no need to add things up.
Anonymous
Post 06/23/2022 13:09     Subject: I insist on paying this right?
Anonymous wrote:Be gracious, reciprocate in ways that you are comfortable with. Don't think about it in terms of dollars. Clearly they don't care how much it costs, and are happy to create the experience for their child in a way that he can enjoy it with a friend.


+1 and I bet the parents appreciate everything their son gets to do at your house and with your son. You may think homemade spaghetti and brownies are not up to par, but that may not be the case at all.

But I get it, OP, if this kind of a$ymmetric relationship continues, it can become uncomfortable. The friendship may end naturally (different schools in the future, a move), so take it one activity at a time.
Anonymous
Post 06/23/2022 13:03     Subject: I insist on paying this right?
Be gracious, reciprocate in ways that you are comfortable with. Don't think about it in terms of dollars. Clearly they don't care how much it costs, and are happy to create the experience for their child in a way that he can enjoy it with a friend.
Anonymous
Post 06/23/2022 12:53     Subject: I insist on paying this right?
Anonymous wrote:I would agree with your initial reaction, OP. But then, we are the middle class family in this scenario. For an occasional outing, I am ok with the other family paying, even for a more expensive option that they choose (e.g., taking the kids skiing for a day and paying everything including a semi-private lesson rather than a group lesson). For a regular activity, no. It makes your child’s participation depend on the other family. I would consider it a debt.

If I couldn’t afford it, I wouldn’t do it. But if you are leaning toward letting the other family pay, at the very least, as a PP mentioned, I would insist on doing all the driving.


This is a poor person mentality. The amount of money, while it may seem like a lot to you, is basically nothing to them. Why would you deny your child this because of your pride?
Anonymous
Post 06/23/2022 12:43     Subject: I insist on paying this right?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:When I invite people out to do something we both know they couldn’t afford on their own budget, I always do so with the understanding that I’m paying their way for no other reason than I’d enjoy their company at the restaurant or event and there is no obligation created by them accepting the invitation. I have been on the other side of this as the friend with less money on e or twice, and I’m always grateful for the hospitality but don’t waste any time wondering what I owe the person in return. Nothing!! Just gracefully accept the generosity, express sincere gratitude that your boys are able to build their skills at this activity together, and look for opportunities to pay it forward.


But I can afford it. It might be easier for them to, but that's me speculating based on the size and location of our relative houses and our job titles. They could be very house poor or something and it could be a major burden for them.

-- OP


Then reciprocate by paying for an equal activity for both kids. You keep arguing that you can afford it, so then do that.


Just because I can afford an activity for one kid, doesn't mean I can afford twice that.

Also, I don't want my kid in two more weekly activities.


But if she pays twice, and then you pay twice, you realize you are only paying for your own kid. Now you sound like a troll or like you can't actually afford it.


But she is paying for two activities, when she’d rather (or can) only pay for one. It makes total sense.


No, I'm saying pay for the block of classes after the first block of the original activity. So, friend's mom pays for 4 lessons, then OP pays for four lessons... It comes out the same financially and it's one activity.


That's literally what I asked to do, and was turned down. It's what people here are telling me I'm rude for asking to do twice, except I only asked once.

The PP I responded to said I should find an equal activity, but that would mean 2 activities and double the cost.

-- OP


But it's not double because you aren't paying for the first activity at all. And you can find something less expensive, you are just being difficult, again.


If there are 2 “equal” activities and I am paying 100% of one of them, that is, in fact, double the cost of me paying 50% (one of two kids) for one activity.
Anonymous
Post 06/23/2022 09:54     Subject: I insist on paying this right?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:When I invite people out to do something we both know they couldn’t afford on their own budget, I always do so with the understanding that I’m paying their way for no other reason than I’d enjoy their company at the restaurant or event and there is no obligation created by them accepting the invitation. I have been on the other side of this as the friend with less money on e or twice, and I’m always grateful for the hospitality but don’t waste any time wondering what I owe the person in return. Nothing!! Just gracefully accept the generosity, express sincere gratitude that your boys are able to build their skills at this activity together, and look for opportunities to pay it forward.


But I can afford it. It might be easier for them to, but that's me speculating based on the size and location of our relative houses and our job titles. They could be very house poor or something and it could be a major burden for them.

-- OP


Then reciprocate by paying for an equal activity for both kids. You keep arguing that you can afford it, so then do that.


Just because I can afford an activity for one kid, doesn't mean I can afford twice that.

Also, I don't want my kid in two more weekly activities.


But if she pays twice, and then you pay twice, you realize you are only paying for your own kid. Now you sound like a troll or like you can't actually afford it.


But she is paying for two activities, when she’d rather (or can) only pay for one. It makes total sense.


No, I'm saying pay for the block of classes after the first block of the original activity. So, friend's mom pays for 4 lessons, then OP pays for four lessons... It comes out the same financially and it's one activity.


That's literally what I asked to do, and was turned down. It's what people here are telling me I'm rude for asking to do twice, except I only asked once.

The PP I responded to said I should find an equal activity, but that would mean 2 activities and double the cost.

-- OP


But it's not double because you aren't paying for the first activity at all. And you can find something less expensive, you are just being difficult, again.
Anonymous
Post 06/23/2022 09:54     Subject: I insist on paying this right?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:When I invite people out to do something we both know they couldn’t afford on their own budget, I always do so with the understanding that I’m paying their way for no other reason than I’d enjoy their company at the restaurant or event and there is no obligation created by them accepting the invitation. I have been on the other side of this as the friend with less money on e or twice, and I’m always grateful for the hospitality but don’t waste any time wondering what I owe the person in return. Nothing!! Just gracefully accept the generosity, express sincere gratitude that your boys are able to build their skills at this activity together, and look for opportunities to pay it forward.


But I can afford it. It might be easier for them to, but that's me speculating based on the size and location of our relative houses and our job titles. They could be very house poor or something and it could be a major burden for them.

-- OP


Then reciprocate by paying for an equal activity for both kids. You keep arguing that you can afford it, so then do that.


Just because I can afford an activity for one kid, doesn't mean I can afford twice that.

Also, I don't want my kid in two more weekly activities.


But if she pays twice, and then you pay twice, you realize you are only paying for your own kid. Now you sound like a troll or like you can't actually afford it.


But she is paying for two activities, when she’d rather (or can) only pay for one. It makes total sense.


No, I'm saying pay for the block of classes after the first block of the original activity. So, friend's mom pays for 4 lessons, then OP pays for four lessons... It comes out the same financially and it's one activity.


That's literally what I asked to do, and was turned down. It's what people here are telling me I'm rude for asking to do twice, except I only asked once.

The PP I responded to said I should find an equal activity, but that would mean 2 activities and double the cost.

-- OP


Let her pay for the first block and then insist on paying the next block. It's not that hard. If she won't let you then pull your kid from the activity. You are just being difficult now.
Anonymous
Post 06/23/2022 09:53     Subject: I insist on paying this right?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:When I invite people out to do something we both know they couldn’t afford on their own budget, I always do so with the understanding that I’m paying their way for no other reason than I’d enjoy their company at the restaurant or event and there is no obligation created by them accepting the invitation. I have been on the other side of this as the friend with less money on e or twice, and I’m always grateful for the hospitality but don’t waste any time wondering what I owe the person in return. Nothing!! Just gracefully accept the generosity, express sincere gratitude that your boys are able to build their skills at this activity together, and look for opportunities to pay it forward.


But I can afford it. It might be easier for them to, but that's me speculating based on the size and location of our relative houses and our job titles. They could be very house poor or something and it could be a major burden for them.

-- OP


Then reciprocate by paying for an equal activity for both kids. You keep arguing that you can afford it, so then do that.


Just because I can afford an activity for one kid, doesn't mean I can afford twice that.

Also, I don't want my kid in two more weekly activities.


But if she pays twice, and then you pay twice, you realize you are only paying for your own kid. Now you sound like a troll or like you can't actually afford it.


But she is paying for two activities, when she’d rather (or can) only pay for one. It makes total sense.


No, I'm saying pay for the block of classes after the first block of the original activity. So, friend's mom pays for 4 lessons, then OP pays for four lessons... It comes out the same financially and it's one activity.


That's literally what I asked to do, and was turned down. It's what people here are telling me I'm rude for asking to do twice, except I only asked once.

The PP I responded to said I should find an equal activity, but that would mean 2 activities and double the cost.

-- OP
Anonymous
Post 06/23/2022 09:52     Subject: I insist on paying this right?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:When I invite people out to do something we both know they couldn’t afford on their own budget, I always do so with the understanding that I’m paying their way for no other reason than I’d enjoy their company at the restaurant or event and there is no obligation created by them accepting the invitation. I have been on the other side of this as the friend with less money on e or twice, and I’m always grateful for the hospitality but don’t waste any time wondering what I owe the person in return. Nothing!! Just gracefully accept the generosity, express sincere gratitude that your boys are able to build their skills at this activity together, and look for opportunities to pay it forward.


But I can afford it. It might be easier for them to, but that's me speculating based on the size and location of our relative houses and our job titles. They could be very house poor or something and it could be a major burden for them.

-- OP


Then reciprocate by paying for an equal activity for both kids. You keep arguing that you can afford it, so then do that.


Just because I can afford an activity for one kid, doesn't mean I can afford twice that.

Also, I don't want my kid in two more weekly activities.


But if she pays twice, and then you pay twice, you realize you are only paying for your own kid. Now you sound like a troll or like you can't actually afford it.


Let's say the lessons are $100 for the two of them, if you get the discount for buying in blocks of 4. If she buys a block, and they go for a month, and I either reimburse her for 1/2 or buy the next block, that's $200 a month.

But if I let her pay for all of them, and pay for something comparable, then that would be $400 a month. $400 a month, and juggling schedules for two weekly activities on top of things we're already committed to would be hard.


Then just pay $400 the next month for the next block of lessons. Budget and save the $200 cost for your kid for month one, and in month two, take that $200 and pay the second $200 for a total of $400 for ONE activity. This is not that hard.
Anonymous
Post 06/23/2022 09:50     Subject: I insist on paying this right?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:When I invite people out to do something we both know they couldn’t afford on their own budget, I always do so with the understanding that I’m paying their way for no other reason than I’d enjoy their company at the restaurant or event and there is no obligation created by them accepting the invitation. I have been on the other side of this as the friend with less money on e or twice, and I’m always grateful for the hospitality but don’t waste any time wondering what I owe the person in return. Nothing!! Just gracefully accept the generosity, express sincere gratitude that your boys are able to build their skills at this activity together, and look for opportunities to pay it forward.


But I can afford it. It might be easier for them to, but that's me speculating based on the size and location of our relative houses and our job titles. They could be very house poor or something and it could be a major burden for them.

-- OP


Then reciprocate by paying for an equal activity for both kids. You keep arguing that you can afford it, so then do that.


Just because I can afford an activity for one kid, doesn't mean I can afford twice that.

Also, I don't want my kid in two more weekly activities.


But if she pays twice, and then you pay twice, you realize you are only paying for your own kid. Now you sound like a troll or like you can't actually afford it.


But she is paying for two activities, when she’d rather (or can) only pay for one. It makes total sense.


No, I'm saying pay for the block of classes after the first block of the original activity. So, friend's mom pays for 4 lessons, then OP pays for four lessons... It comes out the same financially and it's one activity.