Have you been to individual and couples therapy? I’d start there.


I’ve known two couples with open marriages. Both wound up divorced. A divorce early on would have been easier on everyone involved, especially for the couple with kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was but it was open for me at my wife's insistence. I really don't want to go into the details but it worked remarkably well but only because of her and her love for me. I doubt I could have handled if the situation was reversed.

Past tense? What happened?

I'll let you speculate but we were married till the end.

Anonymous wrote:I was but it was open for me at my wife's insistence. I really don't want to go into the details but it worked remarkably well but only because of her and her love for me. I doubt I could have handled if the situation was reversed.

Past tense? What happened?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven’t heard of an open marriage like one you’re describing work. I have heard of many working when there is open communication, boundaries, and a big effort to sustain and nurture the marriage.

I’ve never heard of a sexless marriage like OPs work.

Your point?

(But as a counterpoint to whatever you’re trying to say: I have heard of it working)

+1, I know several people in this exact marriage who are doing well. Their marriages are about the kids, companionship, shared financial goals, maybe some shared hobbies. Even when one partner would like to be having some sex, it can work, as long as that other stuff is a much higher priority to them. Sure, you could leave the marriage and have a lot more sex. But if it would mean losing your co-parent, best friend, person who knows you better than anyone, and sacrificing your finances... it's not worth it.

For some reason it is taboo in our culture to admit that sex is not your main priority in a long-term relationship. But for a lot of people it isn't. This is consider a tragedy but to me the real tragedy is someone who would break up a family and 10+ year marriage, and jeopardize their retirement and financial security (as well as that of their kids) just for sex. That's crazy to me, and I like sex. I might not be in a sexless marriage, but my sex life doesn't crack the top 5 of the reasons I value my marriage at this point. It's a nice bonus but very far from the reason I'm here.

Yes, but are you a man or a woman? I'm guessing the latter.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven’t heard of an open marriage like one you’re describing work. I have heard of many working when there is open communication, boundaries, and a big effort to sustain and nurture the marriage.

I’ve never heard of a sexless marriage like OPs work.

Your point?

(But as a counterpoint to whatever you’re trying to say: I have heard of it working)

+1, I know several people in this exact marriage who are doing well. Their marriages are about the kids, companionship, shared financial goals, maybe some shared hobbies. Even when one partner would like to be having some sex, it can work, as long as that other stuff is a much higher priority to them. Sure, you could leave the marriage and have a lot more sex. But if it would mean losing your co-parent, best friend, person who knows you better than anyone, and sacrificing your finances... it's not worth it.

For some reason it is taboo in our culture to admit that sex is not your main priority in a long-term relationship. But for a lot of people it isn't. This is consider a tragedy but to me the real tragedy is someone who would break up a family and 10+ year marriage, and jeopardize their retirement and financial security (as well as that of their kids) just for sex. That's crazy to me, and I like sex. I might not be in a sexless marriage, but my sex life doesn't crack the top 5 of the reasons I value my marriage at this point. It's a nice bonus but very far from the reason I'm here.

Anonymous wrote:^^^ The “low success rate” of an open marriage is actually waaay higher than their status quo of sexless (which has a 100% failure rate).

First, this is not true. Many marriages become sexless after a certain age and plenty of them are successful in that the partners remain committed and in love, and they stay married. It's really common for sex to taper off in your 40s and dry up altogether by 55 or 60. "Sexless" does not mean "no intimacy, no affection." Some people just kind of retire from sex.

There are also people who have little to no libido and find a partner who has the same. And they can have happy sexless or almost sexless marriages even if they are younger. If it's a mismatch, of course, it won't work. But we don't know how OP's DH feels. He apparently hasn't said anything about the current total lack of sex, which is interesting to me. Most people who want sex and aren't getting it will start co speak up, will initiate sex and get frustrated about being rebuffed, etc. If this is a priority for OP's DH, it's interesting to me that he's being silent about it (maybe he's cheating, but if he went to that before talking to his spouse, the real problem in their marriage is inability to communicate, more than lack of sex).

But in both the above scenarios, the couple is on the same page and wants the same things. And the same is true for any successful open marriage -- you need to be in agreement. Otherwise there will be resentment, jealousy, etc.

Which is why the real issue here is not actually sex or lack of it. It's that OP and her husband appear to be out of sync on what they want out of marriage, and aren't talking about it. They don't need advice on open marriages. They need couples counseling and to TALK TO EACH OTHER. Start there. Anything else is a recipe for disaster at this point, including a "hall pass" or opening up the marriage.

OP what does “success” mean to you? Does it mean a happily ever after or just getting by until the kids are out of the house, and then divorce?

Regardless, I would talk to a therapist individually.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven’t heard of an open marriage like one you’re describing work. I have heard of many working when there is open communication, boundaries, and a big effort to sustain and nurture the marriage.

I’ve never heard of a sexless marriage like OPs work.

Your point?

(But as a counterpoint to whatever you’re trying to say: I have heard of it working)

Anonymous wrote:I haven’t heard of an open marriage like one you’re describing work. I have heard of many working when there is open communication, boundaries, and a big effort to sustain and nurture the marriage.

I’ve never heard of a sexless marriage like OPs work.

Anonymous wrote:Talk to your gay friends. They will have more insight. Not all are in open relationships but they likely see it more often.

Yes I’m broadly generalizing….

You’re making a generalization about broads

Talk to your gay friends. They will have more insight. Not all are in open relationships but they likely see it more often.

Yes I’m broadly generalizing….

I was but it was open for me at my wife's insistence. I really don't want to go into the details but it worked remarkably well but only because of her and her love for me. I doubt I could have handled if the situation was reversed.

I don’t know of any direct success stories but have you considered embarking on this together?

One thing the Internet has taught me is that there are pretty much no originals, there’s another couple out there with a wife with the same feelings as yours, throw in a little novelty and maybe being touched by the other husband while you get to play with the wife and vice versa would be OK?

Sure, it isn’t perfect but you get to do all this together which could possibly bring some fun and excitement back to your married life, add in some new energy and all of a sudden a penis isn’t so repulsive. Maybe just discussing these possibilities with your husband could get things fired up at home.

I haven’t heard of an open marriage like one you’re describing work. I have heard of many working when there is open communication, boundaries, and a big effort to sustain and nurture the marriage.

The solution when you unilaterally take sex off the table is to divorce. Grow up.