Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe this is a Jewish thing but of course you let your MIL have the door code in case she needs to use the bathroom or whatever. Who cares? Why do you need to know??? She’s your family. What is wrong with you people?

You do realize MIL could have walked in unannounced on OP and her husband having sex, or stepping out of the shower, or taking a sick day and scaring them? Especially if cars were in the garage or parked further down the street or something, she very well could have walked in on them, unannounced. I guess Jewish people are OK walking in on a married couple having sex, or walking in not knowing that they had company over…

Anonymous wrote:

I think some of you, including OP, are missing two things:

1. Why do you feel so weird about a close relative entering without permission? It's not like she stole or snooped.

In some families, that's just normal. I let myself into my parents' apartment without "permission", because I have tacit blanket permission. I would never think of ASKING my parents to let me know when they arrive in my house, because in my mind, of course they can come whenever! I would never think of asking my children, once they're adults, to let me know when they drop in. They're welcome at any time.

So perhaps this poor MIL thinks that way too, especially as she's been helpful to you in the past feeding your cat, etc. Maybe it did not cross her mind that you'd find it so rude and boundary-crossing.

2. Going forward, if my kids or parents kicked up a huge fuss because I came in without their express and single-use permission, I would think twice about helping them in the future. I would be really hurt that they believe I'm not trustworthy.



So just think about what you're doing to your relationship with your MIL, if she's been a reliable person so far.

Anonymous wrote:

OP here. DH and I have no problem with her resting, using the restroom, or getting food and drink while we are out. What we do have a problem with is that she didn’t ask us, or at least inform us after the fact. I can totally see a time when our place was where she needed to go in case of (let’s delicately say) “tummy troubles” and wanted to go somewhere private. But there is no reason she couldn’t tell us about that after the fact, at the very least.

Thank you to all the posters who get that this was a violation of our privacy and our trust. I appreciate the support and cannot believe she wouldn’t at the very least tell us after the fact, “Just so you know, I stopped by and used your restroom and had a ginger ale to settle my stomach after a shopping trip today.” I would have had no issue with that, at all.

LOL. In other words, thank you for validating my opinion and nuts to everyone (the majority) who posted to indicate that they think I am overreacting.

OP here. DH and I have no problem with her resting, using the restroom, or getting food and drink while we are out. What we do have a problem with is that she didn’t ask us, or at least inform us after the fact. I can totally see a time when our place was where she needed to go in case of (let’s delicately say) “tummy troubles” and wanted to go somewhere private. But there is no reason she couldn’t tell us about that after the fact, at the very least.

Thank you to all the posters who get that this was a violation of our privacy and our trust. I appreciate the support and cannot believe she wouldn’t at the very least tell us after the fact, “Just so you know, I stopped by and used your restroom and had a ginger ale to settle my stomach after a shopping trip today.” I would have had no issue with that, at all.

Anonymous wrote:The fact that she has been doing it secretively makes me think she has also been snooping around while she is there.

Anonymous wrote:you are overreacting. I wouldn't have any issues having inlaws pop in to rest when we aren't there.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are just creating issues where they don’t need to exist. You said yourself she left the house with your not knowing she was there. She’s not trashing the place, forgetting to lock the door, or doing much of anything probably. I imagine she uses the bathroom, takes a cat nap or watches tv on the couch, drinks some water or grabs a soda and leaves. That’s what mine usually does. Stop making it an issue and let her in. I would much rather give my mother a key than have her drive back home if she needs a rest. That’s just terrible for you not to be mindful of her safety and well-being as she gets older.

OP here. DH and I have no problem with her resting, using the restroom, or getting food and drink while we are out. What we do have a problem with is that she didn’t ask us, or at least inform us after the fact. I can totally see a time when our place was where she needed to go in case of (let’s delicately say) “tummy troubles” and wanted to go somewhere private. But there is no reason she couldn’t tell us about that after the fact, at the very least.

Thank you to all the posters who get that this was a violation of our privacy and our trust. I appreciate the support and cannot believe she wouldn’t at the very least tell us after the fact, “Just so you know, I stopped by and used your restroom and had a ginger ale to settle my stomach after a shopping trip today.” I would have had no issue with that, at all.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are just creating issues where they don’t need to exist. You said yourself she left the house with your not knowing she was there. She’s not trashing the place, forgetting to lock the door, or doing much of anything probably. I imagine she uses the bathroom, takes a cat nap or watches tv on the couch, drinks some water or grabs a soda and leaves. That’s what mine usually does. Stop making it an issue and let her in. I would much rather give my mother a key than have her drive back home if she needs a rest. That’s just terrible for you not to be mindful of her safety and well-being as she gets older.

Name one reason why she couldn’t have asked permission before doing this. Name one.

Name one reason why if she did this she could not have told them about it after the fact. Name one.

+1 OP did say that when her MIL was going to stop by while they were home she always let them know. But she doesn’t mention it the times she knows they’re not there? That’s weird. Even if she left it perfectly fine she knows what she was doing was wrong.

Anonymous wrote:You are NTA. She is. I would never give her the code again.

Anonymous wrote:Maybe this is a Jewish thing but of course you let your MIL have the door code in case she needs to use the bathroom or whatever. Who cares? Why do you need to know??? She’s your family. What is wrong with you people?