Anonymous wrote:Brunch was lovely, and MIL did not stop by.

Yes, this is a conflict with my husband, and we have been working it for years. It's probably our biggest conflict, and he does struggle with wanting to please his parents. Fortunately, my kids don't live with us full time now, and her reasons for visits have diminished greatly. When the kids were younger, I realized that my tolerance for her boundary-crossing was just lower than his. Generally, if I shut up, he would get there with her on his own (shutting down some plans). As we've gotten older, I've realized too that he doesn't want to own what he wants and ask for it. For example, he needs to say, "Yes, I would like them to stop by, I want to see them." He used to assume that I knew what he wanted, but I don't. But even when we both didn't, it was really tough for him to be firm, and I wanted him to take that role.

My MIL is careful not to cross the line on favoritism on gifts, money, etc. But it is her devotion and emotion towards my son that is apparent to everyone. We have discussed it with my daughter, because I think it is awful. Her grandmother does love her too, but it's apparent to everyone, son, cousins, etc., what the story is. She'd get teary-eyed, for example, when my son was in high school and something came up where he couldn't be at home when she was visiting, but seemingly didn't care if the situation were reversed and my daughter couldn't make it, etc.

Anonymous wrote:OP, what happened?!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
You DO understand that you have to actually make a concerted family effort to hide info from your MIL?

You complain that it's hard, but that's what it takes, duh.

Actually it does take concerted effort to hide info from people like OPs MIL. It is normal in casual conversation to answer questions. If any of my friends, neighbors, co workers or normal family members asked casually when my kid was coming through town or when I would see them .I could answer without concern that they would demand to be included. I’ve had a pushy relative try to pull this crap on us too. We stopped giving information so she started badgering the kids. We had to block her on their phones. She then started grilling other relatives to see if they had seen or talked to us lately and what we were doing. If she got even a nugget, she would quickly try to inject herself. We had to go completely no contact.

OP’s MIL is the type that fishes for info. She isn’t making casual conversation and she’s injecting herself where she isn’t wanted.

I don’t get the impression that OP wants her son to only to herself. She simply doesn’t want an obnoxious pushy old woman taking over the short time she has to see him.

Regardless MIL wasn’t invited and I’m passing through is not a legitimate reason to include her when she isn’t wanted.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can we talk about the fact that you and your husband allowed gma to be obsessed with son yet you have another child? Why would you allow that?

This. And OP describes it as damaging to her daughter and they *still* allow it? OP regardless of your MIL issues you and your DH are clearly very flawed parents to allow this to have gone on. Let me guess, son is your favorite child too?

These statements make no sense. We don’t “allow” other people to feel certain ways. We aren’t responsible for each other’s feelings. Grandma feels how she feels and acts how she acts. As parents or otherwise all we can do is control how we do or don’t respond.

So in this situation, how much information is given, and what they give of their own time and space.

We absolutely allow people to behave in certain ways. Grandma can think the sun literally shines out of her sons backside but the minute that favoritism was apparent to her daughter, OP or her DH needed to shut it down “Prudence, your bringing gifts to Larlo and not Larla/Complimenting Larlo while scolding Larla/inviting only Larlo on visits needs to stop because it’s harmful to our children and their relationship with each other” is not that hard to say— and I would certainly have shut it down before I let my daughter *be damaged* by another adults behavior. OP let her daughter down big time and is only worried about her own petty need for attention.

Anonymous wrote:My MIL is obsessed with my son (and no, I'm not even complaining about how damaging this is to my daughter, both kids are college-aged). She has a long history of altering her plans so that she just "happens" to be in the area when she thinks she can see him, figuring we won't be able to say "no". She has no respect for boundaries. In the past she would announce she was going to visit for the weekend, and for the fourth weekend in a row, where my husband explained that it just wouldn't work, she had my father-in-law make up some story. Now they were going to be driving through on Monday, but she found out that my son is coming in Saturday night (9 p.m.), is going out with friends, and plans on hanging out with us on Sunday for brunch. He has a train ride to his summer internship that leaves at 2:30 p.m. My MIL has announced that she just happens to have changed her plans and will be driving by on Sunday. I don't want them to stop by for brunch. I feel like I get precious little time with him, and haven't seen him for months (whereas they have already swooped in to his college town to visit recently). It just isn't the same dynamic hosting them - I always get pushed to the background. My husband wants to be the nice guy, and just allow them to show up. I'm on the fence - suck it up, or put my foot down. Any advice?

Anonymous wrote:Team OP.

Be clear. Clear is kind.
“Midge, we’re not having any visitors this weekend. We’ll see you on Monday as originally planned. I’m excited to show you the award Larla won from her choral competition. See you Monday.”

Include spouse on this communication. Done.

She’ll be pissed off. She’ll make a plea to spouse. Hell, I could see her just showing up on Sunday morning. Don’t answer. Stand firm. With people like this, you have to go all in.

It will be better for everyone in the long run.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will never understand why people let adult liars get away with it unchecked time and time again, coddle them and don’t call them out on their repeated ridiculous claims. Why, so they won’t feel embarrassed? They SHOULD feel embarrassed. Stop enabling bad three-year-old behavior in a grown ass woman.

DH: “Mom, you claim to have changed your plans and just happen to be nearby EVERY time you know DS is around. It needs to stop. We are having brunch with our immediate family.”

+1000

Anonymous wrote:I will never understand why people let adult liars get away with it unchecked time and time again, coddle them and don’t call them out on their repeated ridiculous claims. Why, so they won’t feel embarrassed? They SHOULD feel embarrassed. Stop enabling bad three-year-old behavior in a grown ass woman.

DH: “Mom, you claim to have changed your plans and just happen to be nearby EVERY time you know DS is around. It needs to stop. We are having brunch with our immediate family.”

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can we talk about the fact that you and your husband allowed gma to be obsessed with son yet you have another child? Why would you allow that?

This. And OP describes it as damaging to her daughter and they *still* allow it? OP regardless of your MIL issues you and your DH are clearly very flawed parents to allow this to have gone on. Let me guess, son is your favorite child too?

These statements make no sense. We don’t “allow” other people to feel certain ways. We aren’t responsible for each other’s feelings. Grandma feels how she feels and acts how she acts. As parents or otherwise all we can do is control how we do or don’t respond.

So in this situation, how much information is given, and what they give of their own time and space.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can we talk about the fact that you and your husband allowed gma to be obsessed with son yet you have another child? Why would you allow that?

This. And OP describes it as damaging to her daughter and they *still* allow it? OP regardless of your MIL issues you and your DH are clearly very flawed parents to allow this to have gone on. Let me guess, son is your favorite child too?

Anonymous wrote:Can we talk about the fact that you and your husband allowed gma to be obsessed with son yet you have another child? Why would you allow that?