Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP—trust that her teachers will pick up on this. She will get the help and services she needs, if it is the case that she has autism.

the teachers will not necessarily pick up on it nor do they have an incentive to pick up on it until the child falls behind (if she ever does). What do you think teachers do?

Anonymous wrote:This is a tough case. If you had a good relationship with your daughter and she didn't default to being defensive, I would figure out a way to (sensitively) bring your concerns. But it seems pretty clear that's not going to go well.

So - one out of the box idea - can you find out their pediatrician's name? Call them, say you are a family member of Larla Jones, and you are very concerned about her behaviors and would like to flag them, anonymously, for the doctor. Obviously, they can't say anything to you because of HIPPA, they won't even confirm that they are Larla's doctors. But they can listen and take notes. Be prepared with factual bullet points, not opinions. So, not "I'm worried she has autism. She seems off and doesn't connect well with others." But rather: "I frequently observe Larla with other children her age. She never initiates any interaction. When other children attempt to interact with her, she either ignores them, or gets angry and stomps away. This is a consistent pattern I have observed every time, and I've been there for more than 10 different gatherings. She will not make eye contact with me for more than a fleeting second, despite me being well known to her."

Once she starts school, you can do the same with her teachers.

The teachers and the doctor will NOT talk to you - don't try to engage them in any back-and-forth, don't request anything like an evaluation as you have no authority to do so. But you can talk, and they will listen, and then they will know to pay special attention to these concerns, and will be more likely to flag this. Your daughter will be much more likely to listen to them than you, and it won't harm your relationship - she'll never be the wiser.

For the record, I usually wouldn't ever support going behind someone's back. But this isn't for your daughter - it's for your granddaughter.

Anonymous wrote:This is a tough case. If you had a good relationship with your daughter and she didn't default to being defensive, I would figure out a way to (sensitively) bring your concerns. But it seems pretty clear that's not going to go well.

So - one out of the box idea - can you find out their pediatrician's name? Call them, say you are a family member of Larla Jones, and you are very concerned about her behaviors and would like to flag them, anonymously, for the doctor. Obviously, they can't say anything to you because of HIPPA, they won't even confirm that they are Larla's doctors. But they can listen and take notes. Be prepared with factual bullet points, not opinions. So, not "I'm worried she has autism. She seems off and doesn't connect well with others." But rather: "I frequently observe Larla with other children her age. She never initiates any interaction. When other children attempt to interact with her, she either ignores them, or gets angry and stomps away. This is a consistent pattern I have observed every time, and I've been there for more than 10 different gatherings. She will not make eye contact with me for more than a fleeting second, despite me being well known to her."

Once she starts school, you can do the same with her teachers.

The teachers and the doctor will NOT talk to you - don't try to engage them in any back-and-forth, don't request anything like an evaluation as you have no authority to do so. But you can talk, and they will listen, and then they will know to pay special attention to these concerns, and will be more likely to flag this. Your daughter will be much more likely to listen to them than you, and it won't harm your relationship - she'll never be the wiser.

For the record, I usually wouldn't ever support going behind someone's back. But this isn't for your daughter - it's for your granddaughter.

Anonymous wrote:OP—trust that her teachers will pick up on this. She will get the help and services she needs, if it is the case that she has autism.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that my 3 year old granddaughter should be screened for autism. I am very close to my daughter and she and my son-in-law seem to be in complete denial about the fact that she has many of the symptoms, so I wouldn't find it surprising if they were not completely honest with themselves when completing the autism survey at the doctor's office. My daughter is very defensive, so I am afraid of telling her that I think my granddaughter should get screened and angering her. My granddaughter is starting preschool for the first time in the fall and I'm hoping that her teachers will say something, but I am not sure if that's a reasonable expectation. Also, even if they do say something, I worry about her missing out on services in the interim. Has anyone waited to have this conversation and regretted it? Has anyone had it in a similar circumstance and found that it went well?

Can you explain why you think your daughter and SIL are in complete denial about your granddaughter’s lack of social interaction?

We will go to the playground and my granddaughter will sit in the sandbox playing by herself. When we leave my daughter will say, “She loves playing with the other kids in the sandbox, which is why I’m not getting a sandbox for our house.” When she has play dates with local cousins around her age, she’ll sit on the floor and play by herself, not engaging when they engage her - and not engaging them. At the end of the play date my daughter will say, “They played really well together.”

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How often do you see your granddaughter? I wouldn't rule out the possibility that she is very shy. My 4.5 yo son is a total chatterbox with me and a handful of other people he is very comfortable around, but he clams up around people he doesn't know as well. I think the pandemic probably made this worse than it would be otherwise, because of the lack of socialization.

I could see how someone who only interacted with him once in a while might he think he was on the spectrum, but I would be very dismissive if someone suggested that to me bc I know the version of him that they see is not the whole picture

+1

And the setting you see her in makes a difference, too. If you are staying with your DD and her family for a week or more while they are on their normal schedule and seeing your granddaughter interacting with her parents and at home in her element, that is much more indicative of her actual personality and development than if you only see them when they visit you or mainly at holidays or family events where the child is not on her normal schedule and is encountering a lot of people she doesn't know well.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a tough case. If you had a good relationship with your daughter and she didn't default to being defensive, I would figure out a way to (sensitively) bring your concerns. But it seems pretty clear that's not going to go well.

So - one out of the box idea - can you find out their pediatrician's name? Call them, say you are a family member of Larla Jones, and you are very concerned about her behaviors and would like to flag them, anonymously, for the doctor. Obviously, they can't say anything to you because of HIPPA, they won't even confirm that they are Larla's doctors. But they can listen and take notes. Be prepared with factual bullet points, not opinions. So, not "I'm worried she has autism. She seems off and doesn't connect well with others." But rather: "I frequently observe Larla with other children her age. She never initiates any interaction. When other children attempt to interact with her, she either ignores them, or gets angry and stomps away. This is a consistent pattern I have observed every time, and I've been there for more than 10 different gatherings. She will not make eye contact with me for more than a fleeting second, despite me being well known to her."

Once she starts school, you can do the same with her teachers.

The teachers and the doctor will NOT talk to you - don't try to engage them in any back-and-forth, don't request anything like an evaluation as you have no authority to do so. But you can talk, and they will listen, and then they will know to pay special attention to these concerns, and will be more likely to flag this. Your daughter will be much more likely to listen to them than you, and it won't harm your relationship - she'll never be the wiser.

For the record, I usually wouldn't ever support going behind someone's back. But this isn't for your daughter - it's for your granddaughter.

Please don't do this. I would never speak to my mother again if I found out she had done this. I'm not kidding.

Anonymous wrote:How often do you see your granddaughter? I wouldn't rule out the possibility that she is very shy. My 4.5 yo son is a total chatterbox with me and a handful of other people he is very comfortable around, but he clams up around people he doesn't know as well. I think the pandemic probably made this worse than it would be otherwise, because of the lack of socialization.

I could see how someone who only interacted with him once in a while might he think he was on the spectrum, but I would be very dismissive if someone suggested that to me bc I know the version of him that they see is not the whole picture

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that my 3 year old granddaughter should be screened for autism. I am very close to my daughter and she and my son-in-law seem to be in complete denial about the fact that she has many of the symptoms, so I wouldn't find it surprising if they were not completely honest with themselves when completing the autism survey at the doctor's office. My daughter is very defensive, so I am afraid of telling her that I think my granddaughter should get screened and angering her. My granddaughter is starting preschool for the first time in the fall and I'm hoping that her teachers will say something, but I am not sure if that's a reasonable expectation. Also, even if they do say something, I worry about her missing out on services in the interim. Has anyone waited to have this conversation and regretted it? Has anyone had it in a similar circumstance and found that it went well?

Who’s doctors office has an autism survey? I’ve never heard of that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SN mom here. In my experience, including with my own parents, family members like you have a very specific agenda. They want to point out the special need in order to have it mediated quickly and within a certain window. They do not want to face the notion of a lifelong disability and cannot, in fact, handle that idea. Have you thought about the idea that autism is lifelong? That therapy may assist your GC but is not a cure? My parents wanted my daughter whisked promptly to multiple therapies but became frustrated, disinterested, and even contemptuous when she "failed" to get better.

Your grandchild is not an improvement project like leaky downspouts you point out on their house. She's a person.

You are projecting a lot. I have a child who was diagnosed with ASD at 22 months old. I will always be grateful to my mom who pointed out that she was not meeting milestones like my niece and nephew did. My mom didn’t push or nag, she just said her piece and left the rest to us.

Did you not have a pediatrician who was monitoring milestones? Did you not have access to the internet to check those milestones yourself?

Ped was way too relaxed ( we have another doctor now). We were looking at milestones but weren’t very alarmed until we saw the difference. Why is it hard for you to believe that some of us may not see our parents as the anti-Christ?