I’m white and married to an Indian (born here, his parents immigrated). The way I’ve seen it work with his cousins is that the parents and/in-laws move in or live nearby or take shifts visiting long term. Im SAH now but worked for a while after my kids were young until my own mother needed care. My In Laws are lovely but there has never been a serious suggestion that they move to be closer to us and won’t visit for more than 5 days at a stretch. Not sure why that is exactly. I do wonder if it’s me and fact they wouldn’t feel entirely comfortable living with us since I’m not of their culture? But also my husband always mentioned he does not want his parents living closer bc they’d drive him crazy. I have to admit to being envious of the family support his cousins have bc I could have managed my mom’s care with my kids and work if his parents stepped in. At the same time, I have enjoyed being able to spend time with my kids and am in a PT grad school currently so I can return to work to be timed when my oldest is driving which will make everything logistically easier.

Anyway, in relation to OP’s post, I think you are right and sah Indian women in the US are pretty rare but all of the high powered dual income couples I know have very involved parents. Perhaps they also use Nannie’s too but having grandparents around locally to provide back up care when nanny is sick or kid home of school and someone that you trust to make decisions in your absence if you are in a meeting/traveling is really the make or break of being able to truly “lean in”.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Indian-American here: My parents sacrificed a lot (A LOT) for me and my siblings to get the best education, including degrees from top-ranked schools. There's no way in hell I'm going to waste their investment in me to stay at home. It would be a slap in the face to my parents who came from nothing, came here with nothing, and built this life for us.

I DO know Indian-American SAHMs, but most of them are about 10-15 years younger than me and their parents come from wealthy families so they came here with money and didn't have to make the sacrifices my parents' generation did, so it's not a big deal to them.

OP here. I think this PP pretty much summed up how SAHMs are perceived in my family. Wasting their parents’ investment. My fil and father were engineers so pretty middle class, but they worked hard to send their children to good universities. Staying at home after that is not viewed favorably.

You only live once, and it’s your life to live. Do what’s best for you, your spouse and your kids, whatever that choice would be.

This is a very individualist American prospective.

Well of course! You are living in America!

Go back to India??

Pakistani American who was a SAHM for many years, then tried part-time work, then full time only recently. It's hard if your family is not supportive. My parents/inlaws are the other way, preferring I stay home, but they don't pressure me thankfully.

Wish you the best. You're not alone. It's just hard to find each other.

I haven't read the whole thread but... I am a working Indian woman with two kids. I am constantly judged my parents and aunts/uncles, snide remarks that my kids are in aftercare. I am the only mom in my large extended family who worked with kids in elem school. I'm sure my parents and aunts/uncles judged them too for not working.

My point is, you will always be judged no matter which choice you make. You can't win.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand where you’re coming from OP. I’m married to an Indian American and when I decided to stay home for a few years his parents expected me to be available to face time them multiple times a day because “that’s your job now”. As you could guess, we don’t have the best relationship now 🥴

Most Indian parents don't want their daughters to become SAHMs. They fear the in-laws will treat her with total disrespect and expect her to be available for any reason because her job has es to serve the family.

+2 this has been my experience as well, unfortunately.

I am white married to an Indian. We live in Ashburn. There are a lot of Indian immigrant stay-at-home moms here! Some stay home because they want to, and others don't have a work visa. I have made some great friends. My husband plays cricket in the warmer months. It's been an excellent way for him to make friends. Our children have been exposed to south Asians. You could look into joining a south asian mommy group. I understand a little about the in-law craziness. My in-laws have been great, but I've heard some crazy stories. The craziest, meanest ones have been from Pakistan. If my in-laws were like that, I wouldn't answer my phone.
Focus on what you need to be happy,y, stress-free, best mom. My husband puts pressure on me to do too much. I think it is cultural for sure. I've learned to tell him to STFU and hire help. Good luck, OP! Hang in there. There are good and bad days.

What stories have you heard?

Anonymous wrote:Indian American from with three Ivy League degrees and my mother would be thrilled for me to SAHM. She thinks I’m failing my kids with the help raising them, haha.

But that’s because she wants me to hire her friend’s daughter’s Indian former housekeeper/nanny/everything else for $150K a year. She just doesn’t think a non-Indian person can raise a kid right.

I think it’s because I’m a lawyer though. Sister is a doctor and I think they’d be sad if she stopped working.

Similarly educated and degreed Indian American lawyer here and my mom is the same - I think she’d prefer me to be a SAHM or at least part time. But in general the legal world doesn’t allow for flexibility that way, and plus I’m not sure I’d want to be on that track anyway. OP do whatever works for you and don’t worry about your in laws, they will have to deal.

Indian American from with three Ivy League degrees and my mother would be thrilled for me to SAHM. She thinks I’m failing my kids with the help raising them, haha.

But that’s because she wants me to hire her friend’s daughter’s Indian former housekeeper/nanny/everything else for $150K a year. She just doesn’t think a non-Indian person can raise a kid right.

I think it’s because I’m a lawyer though. Sister is a doctor and I think they’d be sad if she stopped working.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand where you’re coming from OP. I’m married to an Indian American and when I decided to stay home for a few years his parents expected me to be available to face time them multiple times a day because “that’s your job now”. As you could guess, we don’t have the best relationship now 🥴

Most Indian parents don't want their daughters to become SAHMs. They fear the in-laws will treat her with total disrespect and expect her to be available for any reason because her job has es to serve the family.

+2 this has been my experience as well, unfortunately.

I am white married to an Indian. We live in Ashburn. There are a lot of Indian immigrant stay-at-home moms here! Some stay home because they want to, and others don't have a work visa. I have made some great friends. My husband plays cricket in the warmer months. It's been an excellent way for him to make friends. Our children have been exposed to south Asians. You could look into joining a south asian mommy group. I understand a little about the in-law craziness. My in-laws have been great, but I've heard some crazy stories. The craziest, meanest ones have been from Pakistan. If my in-laws were like that, I wouldn't answer my phone.
Focus on what you need to be happy,y, stress-free, best mom. My husband puts pressure on me to do too much. I think it is cultural for sure. I've learned to tell him to STFU and hire help. Good luck, OP! Hang in there. There are good and bad days.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand where you’re coming from OP. I’m married to an Indian American and when I decided to stay home for a few years his parents expected me to be available to face time them multiple times a day because “that’s your job now”. As you could guess, we don’t have the best relationship now 🥴

This is the reason most Indian parents don't want their daughters to become SAHMs. They fear the in-laws will treat her with total disrespect and expect her to be available at all times for any reason because her job has become to serve the family.

+2 this has been my experience as well, unfortunately.

I would talk to my MIL in the morning and then when my husband got home in the evening she'd call. She'd tell him I'm failing as a mother, wife, and DIL. Twelve years later I'm still happily married but I don't have a relationship with the ILs.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand where you’re coming from OP. I’m married to an Indian American and when I decided to stay home for a few years his parents expected me to be available to face time them multiple times a day because “that’s your job now”. As you could guess, we don’t have the best relationship now 🥴

This is the reason most Indian parents don't want their daughters to become SAHMs. They fear the in-laws will treat her with total disrespect and expect her to be available at all times for any reason because her job has become to serve the family.

+2 this has been my experience as well, unfortunately.

Anonymous wrote:I’m an Indian American SAHM and a physician. Our HHI is almost 2m and I have no desire to work. My parents are disappointed that I don’t work and tried to convince me to get back to working so I don’t “waste my education” and I told them to mind their own business. On one hand, I admire the never ending ambition of many Indian/South Asian origin people but I also think they take themselves and their careers way too seriously. Ok, you’re a doctor, we get it, but millions of people before and after you have done and will do this.

What more do they want from you? You are rich, you have an MD, you can go back to work when you’re ready. Do they really need you to be seeing patients everyday for the rest of your life?

I’m an Indian American SAHM and a physician. Our HHI is almost 2m and I have no desire to work. My parents are disappointed that I don’t work and tried to convince me to get back to working so I don’t “waste my education” and I told them to mind their own business. On one hand, I admire the never ending ambition of many Indian/South Asian origin people but I also think they take themselves and their careers way too seriously. Ok, you’re a doctor, we get it, but millions of people before and after you have done and will do this.

Anonymous wrote:I understand where you’re coming from OP. I’m married to an Indian American and when I decided to stay home for a few years his parents expected me to be available to face time them multiple times a day because “that’s your job now”. As you could guess, we don’t have the best relationship now 🥴

This is the reason most Indian parents don't want their daughters to become SAHMs. They fear the in-laws will treat her with total disrespect and expect her to be available at all times for any reason because her job has become to serve the family.

When the United States only allows educated Indians to immigrate, why are you all so stupidly surprised that the children of these immigrants would be encouraged to be educated?

This is thread exemplifies how little people in this country understand geopolitics. There are plenty of ‘uneducated’ Indians in Canada and Britain. A lot of working class Indians there. Not so in the USA where they are cool with mass ‘migration’ across the border and easy visas to uneducated people from other countries. But there is a massive double standard towards Indians.

The ones that studied and worked there butts off to look good enough on paper and prove their worth enough for a chance at a life in America are allowed in. You don’t think it makes any sense that they would encourage their kids to get educated and prove their worth with their careers in this country that only accepts them that way?