Anonymous
Post 04/20/2022 21:48     Subject: Re:Dealing with less intelligent spouse
I suspect there's two sides of the story. Perhaps DW always has something to say when DH wants to do something. He correctly views the confrontations as not worth the energy and defers to DW. It may not be an intelligence issue at all. I've known many relationships like this. They're often relationships where DH Also makes more $$ and has a much more challenging career. They elect to save their energy for things that they think are important.

Also, anyone who will spend time writing such a long post on a random message board clearly has issues of their own.
Anonymous
Post 04/20/2022 20:11     Subject: Dealing with less intelligent spouse
Anonymous wrote:
It could be ADHD, OP. What you describe is inattention and a lack of executive functioning skills (the ability to schedule, plan and get organized). If he spends his time on dubious websites as a distraction, his views may be skewed. People who frequently makes mistakes and do not feel in control of their life because of that often get defensive and angry with the years.

My husband is like this. He has ADHD he refuses to treat, and we suspect he may have some high-functioning form for Asperger's. He has a high IQ, and he doesn't believe in conspiracy theories exactly, but he sometimes over-reacts about things and has mentally rigid thinking that gives him a very black and white view of the world - which leads to irrationality and some extreme views, since the world is not black and white.

I don't know what to suggest, OP. I push back against weird concepts when I have the energy, but sometimes I just roll my eyes and focus on my own life. He is not a reliable partner and it's been hard, these last few years.



This.
Anonymous
Post 04/20/2022 20:05     Subject: Dealing with less intelligent spouse
I dunno, OP. I'm married to someone similar, without the conspiracy theories/alt-right stuff. Except he's actually a physician who did med school at top 5 school, so most would consider him smart...but I find him so so soooo dense a lot of times. Maybe intelligent is not the right word, but you describe all the same issues that have been making life more difficult as time goes on, particularly the inability to listen and synthesize information. It's really weird - the person describing adhd/exec functioning skills might be onto something here. But of course, "brainiac" spouse won't even consider that might be an issue!

No advice, just sympathy. I feel like his f**ing executive assistant these days, having to fix all his issues. And yeah, i have a job of my own!
Anonymous
Post 04/20/2022 19:56     Subject: Dealing with less intelligent spouse
Anonymous wrote:Sounds like ADHD and/ or executive functioning issues. These become worse with age and increased responsibility without treatment. I'd encourage you to do a free screening with him online and then take those results and make an appointment with his PCP from there a neuropsych eval I earn you a neuropsych appointment may take months to get.
But his PCP might be able to start him on a low dose of med in the meantime.

As for household duties split up responsibilities and use something like phone and Google calendar for .
reminders.


For discipline that is something you compromise on and unless it involves abusive techniques let the other partner manage.






I have adhd. My son has adhd. My mother has adhd.

What dcum thinks is adhd is extreme and frankly insulting.
Anonymous
Post 04/20/2022 19:00     Subject: Re:Dealing with less intelligent spouse
You need to stop fixating on this as an intelligence issue and realize that what you have are two different values system. And that is really, really hard to live with long term.

And this can be hard to judge. I am a liberal, agnostic that married a religious Republican 15 years ago. I fundamentally believed at that time that we had the same values. I lucked out that I was right, but I could easily have been wrong. But I can tell you that if I had been wrong, I’m pretty darn sure I would have gotten divorced.

You don’t deserve to live with someone that is angry all the time. And you kids don’t deserve to live in a house full of anger either.
Anonymous
Post 04/20/2022 14:19     Subject: Dealing with less intelligent spouse
Anonymous wrote:What if English isn’t her language of learning nor her mother tongue? People fixated on grammar should consider a minor detail, intellect doesn’t equate to English, you can be a genius without knowing English or a dumb parrot who memorized grammatical rules.


I am genuinely curious which languages don’t have paragraphs, or the equivalent. Must be exhausting.
Anonymous
Post 04/20/2022 14:08     Subject: Dealing with less intelligent spouse
Anonymous wrote:For what it's worth, I feel like DH could be writing this post about me, and I've got a law degree from a T20 school where I was on law review and recruited to big law. Still, DH makes me feel small and is quick to point out any flaws in my reasoning, or grammatical mistake, or mispronounced word, or whatever, in ways that feel condescending. He's bothered that I am more politically conservative than he is and can't fathom that an educated person can be pro-life, but I am still influenced by a religion that he doesn't believe in. I could honestly see him writing a post very similar to what you've written. TG I've got a good job where I feel valued and respected because I don't get that at home.


Yep my dh too even though we are both your typical over educated lawyer types and I’m respected at work too. But he is hyper critical and thinks he’s the smartest person in every room. I dont know if it’s a lawyer thing or what but so annoying.
Anonymous
Post 04/19/2022 08:31     Subject: Dealing with less intelligent spouse
Many people with undiagnosed ADHD develop other antisocial problems as they get older because they don't get why they can't function, and the amount of negative feedback they get from everyone over a lifetime piles up and literally destroys them from the inside out. Get him diagnosed.
Anonymous
Post 04/19/2022 08:14     Subject: Re:Dealing with less intelligent spouse
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:lmao you married a stupid guy and you are just realizing it after 5 years? Are you SURE that he's the one who is stupid?





My thoughts exactly.
Anonymous
Post 04/19/2022 07:57     Subject: Dealing with less intelligent spouse
What if English isn’t her language of learning nor her mother tongue? People fixated on grammar should consider a minor detail, intellect doesn’t equate to English, you can be a genius without knowing English or a dumb parrot who memorized grammatical rules.