Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Yes, my son wants to be adopted and loves his new dad. He has no opinion on his name change however - at least not yet. He likes that his new Dad’s name is shorter and will take less time to write!

As I said, if my son doesn’t take my new husband’s name I won’t either. We left the door open to possibly having another child together but right now neither wants another.

I would change your last name and your son's last name. But I would also add a middle name you your son to honor his birth father, either first or the original last. On a daily basis your son will not have to use it, but it will be a nice way to acknowledge his birth father and their family.

From my perspective names flow from the father's side. This is true in almost all western an asian cultures. Sons carry the father's name for life and that's how we track family trees. If you change his name you are basically breaking the lineage which is not right. Just because you met some new guy doesn't mean the father's family tree should cease to exist.

agreed on this. Your son’s father is his FATHER, not his “birth father”, someon who willingly surrendered a child for adoption. The father’s death doesn’t mean he is not a father.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Yes, my son wants to be adopted and loves his new dad. He has no opinion on his name change however - at least not yet. He likes that his new Dad’s name is shorter and will take less time to write!

As I said, if my son doesn’t take my new husband’s name I won’t either. We left the door open to possibly having another child together but right now neither wants another.

I would change your last name and your son's last name. But I would also add a middle name you your son to honor his birth father, either first or the original last. On a daily basis your son will not have to use it, but it will be a nice way to acknowledge his birth father and their family.

From my perspective names flow from the father's side. This is true in almost all western an asian cultures. Sons carry the father's name for life and that's how we track family trees. If you change his name you are basically breaking the lineage which is not right. Just because you met some new guy doesn't mean the father's family tree should cease to exist.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Yes, my son wants to be adopted and loves his new dad. He has no opinion on his name change however - at least not yet. He likes that his new Dad’s name is shorter and will take less time to write!

As I said, if my son doesn’t take my new husband’s name I won’t either. We left the door open to possibly having another child together but right now neither wants another.

I would change your last name and your son's last name. But I would also add a middle name you your son to honor his birth father, either first or the original last. On a daily basis your son will not have to use it, but it will be a nice way to acknowledge his birth father and their family.

This was my story growing up. My father died five months before I was born (mother had changed her name when she married, so I was born with his last name). Mom remarried when I was six (two months before starting first grade) and both changed out surnames. My school allowed me to use my new surname "unofficially" and I can remember being excited when it became official and I "moved up the alphabet - first surname stated with a J, then second with an A). My dad died when I was nine and mom married again when I was in high school. By this time, mom kept my first step father's name for professional reasons (although socially she uses my second stepfather's). As for me, I choose to hyphenate my two stepfather's last names (and kept that as my surname when I married). I appreciated having the same name as both my parents (didn't seem to be as many blended families around). I don't consider is disrespectful to my birth father, but did feel I wanted to continue what both my stepfathers gave me in terms of love and support. Don't have an answer, but am thinking of you!

Keep the names the same for now. When your son is older, he can decide to change his name if he wants. One of my best friends was the child in a scenario like this - bio dad died when she was a toddler, but she doesn’t remember him and is glad to have his name, despite being adopted by her step dad at 5 and having a very close relationship with him. Your son may feel differently and want the new last name, but I wouldn’t rush it.

Seems like 2/3 family members share one surname. Maybe the new DH should consider changing his name to match theirs?

Seriously, OP, let your child keep his name. His father is still his father. That family is still his family. I hope you are preserving his connections to them but it sounds like not.

If, when your child grows older, he expresses a desire to take on your new husband’s surname…of his own initiative…then support him in that. But do not strip his name and his connection to his father through his name.

He had no choice in his father dying. He had no choice in your new relationship. He has no choice in being adopted. Give him this choice when he is older. And please work hard to help him understand his paternal family history and heritage.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Makes sense for new DH to change his name to OP's and son's name. Is new DH so superior he can't do that?

That’s ridiculous. It’s not OP’s name - just the dead father’s name. The child is six not sixteen and probably can’t even write his name yet.

Dead or not, he's still the child's father.

What makes the most sense is for the child to have two last names, no hyphen or two middle names. You don't have to take away the name to add another.

My kids are adopted and hand have a living father out there. Should I have kept his name for them too? This new husband is adopting OP’s son and will be the only father he has ever known.

I’m so surprised on a site for adoptive parents that so many are defending the name of the father who died before the little boy was born.

I think you’re confused about where you are.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Makes sense for new DH to change his name to OP's and son's name. Is new DH so superior he can't do that?

That’s ridiculous. It’s not OP’s name - just the dead father’s name. The child is six not sixteen and probably can’t even write his name yet.

Dead or not, he's still the child's father.

What makes the most sense is for the child to have two last names, no hyphen or two middle names. You don't have to take away the name to add another.

My kids are adopted and hand have a living father out there. Should I have kept his name for them too? This new husband is adopting OP’s son and will be the only father he has ever known.

I’m so surprised on a site for adoptive parents that so many are defending the name of the father who died before the little boy was born.

This is a stepparent adoption. Different. We kept a lot of our child’s name when adopting.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Makes sense for new DH to change his name to OP's and son's name. Is new DH so superior he can't do that?

That’s ridiculous. It’s not OP’s name - just the dead father’s name. The child is six not sixteen and probably can’t even write his name yet.

Dead or not, he's still the child's father.

What makes the most sense is for the child to have two last names, no hyphen or two middle names. You don't have to take away the name to add another.

My kids are adopted and hand have a living father out there. Should I have kept his name for them too? This new husband is adopting OP’s son and will be the only father he has ever known.

I’m so surprised on a site for adoptive parents that so many are defending the name of the father who died before the little boy was born.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Makes sense for new DH to change his name to OP's and son's name. Is new DH so superior he can't do that?

That’s ridiculous. It’s not OP’s name - just the dead father’s name. The child is six not sixteen and probably can’t even write his name yet.

Dead or not, he's still the child's father.

What makes the most sense is for the child to have two last names, no hyphen or two middle names. You don't have to take away the name to add another.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not to throw rain on your parade OP but the hard truth is that second marriages aren't always successful.

You son should keep his father's name. He is old enough to already identify that as his name. You can do what you want with yours.

Yeah but regardless the boy will be his son. The new husband is legally adopting him. He’ll always be the boy’s dad.

Maybe change your son‘s middle name to be his father‘s last name. That way you are preserving that last name in a way.

Anonymous wrote:Makes sense for new DH to change his name to OP's and son's name. Is new DH so superior he can't do that?

That’s ridiculous. It’s not OP’s name - just the dead father’s name. The child is six not sixteen and probably can’t even write his name yet.

Anonymous wrote:Not to throw rain on your parade OP but the hard truth is that second marriages aren't always successful.

You son should keep his father's name. He is old enough to already identify that as his name. You can do what you want with yours.

Yeah but regardless the boy will be his son. The new husband is legally adopting him. He’ll always be the boy’s dad.

Since this man has been a father figure to your son since he was three (ie, his entire memory), I would definitely change your name and the child's. Perhaps keep the original last name as a middle name?
In a similar situation in my own family, this is what was done. Seems to be going well.

Not to throw rain on your parade OP but the hard truth is that second marriages aren't always successful.

You son should keep his father's name. He is old enough to already identify that as his name. You can do what you want with yours.