Whenever my parents, mother in particular, would try to insert herself into an issue or conflict i was having with with my sister, (we are adults) I gently say, "It's between us." In other words, an issue between two members (or here three, sil and parents) does not need to become an issue for the larger family. It probably is actually more helpful if it does not.

This issue is between your sil and her parents. They can feel hurt, of course, but it's theirs to manage. You didn't seem open to exploring the dynamics of you mil and fil but that's important here because they are part of the initial conflict with their daughter. If you want to go, go. If you don't, then don't. If they confront your husband he can say, they asked us to go and we accepted. Then they can speak directly to their daughter if they have an issue. It's called boundaries. Parents like this are tedious, siblings often like to do their thing. If they are mature they will keep their hurt to themselves and not cause more pain. If they make a stink...well they are not quite so benevolent, they are childish. Everyone is not invited to everything. That's how it goes. It can hurt but the sooner people realize this the better. These parents are being given a lot of power over their adult children. Daughter probably does want to stick it to them but that's on her . Decide what works for your family and do that. Protecting your in laws is not your job. They are adults. You can empathize of course.

Here's the breakdown:

Parents: Want to travel with entire family; won't travel with just OP's family; unclear whether they would travel with SIL's family.

SIL: Will not, under any circumstances, vacation with her parents (either alone or as part of a group); wants to vacation with OP's family.

OP/DH: Happy to travel with either or both of SIL and parents, but refuses to travel with SIL if parents aren't invited.


Honestly, the only person I'm sympathetic to here is SIL.

Anonymous wrote:It's pretty obvious that OP does not want to risk doing something that she fears might result in her spouse being disinherited. That's all this is about, otherwise, it's ridiculous to turn down the SILs offer just because it might ""upset" the inlaws. OP is not being transparent.

Or OP could be a people pleaser. It’s hard to break the habit.

I would have more sympathy for your ILs if they had been willing to vacation with just your family. It will be important in the future for the siblings to be on good terms to deal with the inevitable challenges brought on by their parents aging. Nuture the relationship by accepting your SILs offer now. When his parents find out about the trip, your DH should just say matter-of-factly confirm that it is true and he was looking forward to it. Period. If they complain about being excluded, he should reply that he has repeatedly offered to vacation with them and they have refused. He should refuse to bring SIL into the discussion: “Larla is an adult with her own familiy and makes her own decisions. I will not tell her what to do with her family’s vacation time.”

It's pretty obvious that OP does not want to risk doing something that she fears might result in her spouse being disinherited. That's all this is about, otherwise, it's ridiculous to turn down the SILs offer just because it might ""upset" the inlaws. OP is not being transparent.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The cost is minuscule and not a factor. I just wanted to get a sense of if others would feel guilt about this and I guess most wouldn’t. DH at first wanted to go, but when I asked how would he explain it to his parents he said he didn’t know and didn’t think of that part. He agrees they will absolutely be hurt and now isn’t sure any more. He is the classic “golden child” and a people pleaser. SIL is constantly at odds with the in laws so I guess it bothers her less.

I just keep thinking, if I asked two friends out to dinner, and they said no, but then afterward went without me, I would be very hurt. This feels like that to me.

Ah. So, since your husband is the favorite, you probably get treated quite favorably when your in-laws are around. And the sister-in-law and her husband are not treated as well. She doesn’t want to put up with that for a week, but she wants the cousins having fun together.

NP, and the bolded.

You express almost no empathy for your SIL and her perspective, OP. Why should she use precious vacation time with parents who may not treat her well?

Your example of asking two friends to dinner shows how little you value (or are aware?) of the broader context and dynamics at play here. If nothing else, try to cultivate some empathy for how hard it is to be "constantly at odds" with one's parents, particularly when you have a sibling whom they clearly favor.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That is a shame. The parents should allow the siblings to socialize together.

Could you offer to do a long weekend with the parents another time?

OP here. We are willing to travel with the inlaws but they don't want to do it if everyone can't go.

Well, that says a lot about why your SIL doesn't want to go with them. If parents were actually interested in spending time with family and not controlling & manipulating them, they'd go with your family.

Thanks for your opinion. However, these are my inlaws and I have to see them frequently for the next 10-20 years. They are my husband's parents and unlike many on this site I actually care about their feelings. They are not bad people - they don't try to be so anxious they just are. They are kind and loving grandparents. SIL is an adult and of course does not have to travel with them if she does not want to, but this seems unneccessarily hurtful.

Then don't go. But you can't invite them on SIL's trip. And FWIW, I agree with the above poster that your in-laws are being ridiculous if they aren't willing to travel with just your family. And honestly, they're ridiculous to get upset if their children do something without them.

Vacation time is so precious. People figure this out in their early 20s, when they only get 2 weeks of it for the whole year. It only takes one experience with the wrong energy/dynamics to say "never again." Thanksgiving, Christmas, ok, but if your family is not fun to vacation with, it is not happening even if it's free. No one is that hard up. Stay home instead sounds better.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a parent I would love for my kids and their spouses to be close enough to vacation together regardless of whether I come along. It just wouldn’t enter my radar to have an issue with this.

I get that too as a parent, but I think part of the issue is the daughter repeatedly declines a vacation that the parents offer, and then intentionally leaves them out to do a similar type of vacation. I can see how that's hurtful to the parents. It means they are constantly excluded from any vacation with their daughter rather than sometimes the daughter/son do a vacation with their parents, sometimes without.

The in.laws must be pretty hard to put up with if SIL is refusing a FREE vacation. But why is that OPs problem? Have you ever asked in laws if your family and them could take a.vacatiob.free of charge to you because you love them so much, Op? If they declined did you ask why?

Anonymous wrote:Every year or two my inlaws offer to pay for us all to go to the beach or something. We did it once a long time ago, but SIL (their daughter) has refused every time since. Now this year she wants our family (DH/her brother, me, 2 kids) to share a vacation home with her family of 5. I like them and am not opposed but its going to really hurt her parents feelings, and they are definitely not invited (per her). There is no way to keep it from them - we all live locally. It will be SOOOOOO awkard when they find out.

WWYD?

So the in laws offer the free trip but only if EVERYONE is in. It only actually happened ONCE a long time ago and it was.so messed up in some way that SIL set a boundary never to do it again. There's no tradition of all in family vacations with the grandparents here. That only ever happened one time and it sucked so bad for SIL that she refuses to ever do it again.

So the actual family tradition of you want to call it that, is there are NOT family vacations including the grandparents. Evidently grandparents won't treat your family if SIL doesn't come along.

I don't seem what your issue is OP. Go split the house with your SIL. Your SIL doesn't want to vacation with them, and they don't want to vacation with your family is SIL is not part of it. I'm not seeing why your in-laws will have hurt feelings.if you go on vacation with SIL. Your in laws don't even want.to.vacation with just your family anyway.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So what if Its are mad? What are they going to do, cut everyone off and never see you again? SIL obviously has her reasons and you should not be creating drama between parents and their daughter since you haven't even said what the core issue is.

SIL is free to manage her relationship with them however she likes. I reject your assertion that she also gets to manage my relationship with them.

You are allowing your in laws to manage your relationship with her.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a parent I would love for my kids and their spouses to be close enough to vacation together regardless of whether I come along. It just wouldn’t enter my radar to have an issue with this.

I get that too as a parent, but I think part of the issue is the daughter repeatedly declines a vacation that the parents offer, and then intentionally leaves them out to do a similar type of vacation. I can see how that's hurtful to the parents. It means they are constantly excluded from any vacation with their daughter rather than sometimes the daughter/son do a vacation with their parents, sometimes without.

The daughter isn’t vacationing with the parents and the parents already know it. That’s their own issue to resolve with SIL that have nothing to do with OP, her husband or the relationship they have with the siblings, which any parent should want to nurture. To hold a grudge because siblings still want to get together is IMO controlling.

OP, just because you're family doesn't mean that you all have to do everything together. If you don't want to hurt your ILs then just tell your SIL that you can't go with her family. Its that simple. From my limited knowledge of the situation is does sound like your ILs are uptight and that's why your SIL doesn't want to vacation with her parents. Does your SIL have an OK relationship with her parents? Is there more to the story?
Bottom line if you don't want to go and you think it will make you uncomfortable then that's ok. But I don't think you SIL is bad for extending an invitation.

Anonymous wrote:As a parent I would love for my kids and their spouses to be close enough to vacation together regardless of whether I come along. It just wouldn’t enter my radar to have an issue with this.

I get that too as a parent, but I think part of the issue is the daughter repeatedly declines a vacation that the parents offer, and then intentionally leaves them out to do a similar type of vacation. I can see how that's hurtful to the parents. It means they are constantly excluded from any vacation with their daughter rather than sometimes the daughter/son do a vacation with their parents, sometimes without.