I’m the mom, and FIL used to give me credit for the kids’ intelligence, and ask what other great genes they got from me. It drove DH crazy so I tried to downplay it or give examples of his brilliance.

Anonymous wrote:Wait—you’re smart enough to go to TJ and graduate from top schools, but you can’t figure out how to ignore some old people enjoying their grandson? Come on, OP. You’re giving smart, accomplished women a bad rep. Grow up and let this go.

Someone is TJ bitter. OP, it may be that both families are smart but dad's parents have a really pathetic attempt at humor. And it is because you are both a smart woman AND a good mother that you want to raise your sons to see women's intelligence. Don't ignore it, but don't run to the divorce court tomorrow either. Talk about extremist advice.

Anonymous wrote:I went to tj, majored in economics, went to a top business school, and worked at a prestigious consulting firm

DH went to a west coast math science school, majored in engineering, went to SAME business school and worked for SAME consulting firm

In-laws (who I fully admit bug me for many reasons) attribute 100% of our kids intelligence and cleverness to dh. Literally acting like I’m a potato and they could have only gotten brain cells for dh / their family (they also do this with all positive traits but given I have all boys and they imply they got their smarts from dad particularly gets under my skin) Can I point out our identical background to shut that down? It really bugs me to think my sons would think “dads so smart and mom is nice” or some other very gendered stereotype

Start subtle and kind...
IL:"Just like your dad!"
YOU:"and your brothers, and me, and aunt (/uncle/your sib) soanso".
{after 3-6 times-old folks can't turn on a dime}
IL:"You get it from your dad!"
YOU:"Thank goodness you and your dad didn't get chauvinism/onesided/obliviousness/insensitivity...FROM YOUR GRANDDAD!"
{escalate after 6-9 times-old folks can't turn on a dime}
IL:"You get it from your dad!"
YOU:"You know what else we can get from dad's side...a little wager. Which chromosome carries the dominant trait to override colorblindness? Which side can override male pattern baldness?" {Have your husband just barely throw this next one...} "Let's have a challenge to do some math problems like your homework, mommy vs daddy. Grandma pays up if I win."
https://www.independent.co.uk/news/science/children-intelligence-iq-mother-inherit-inheritance-genetics-genes-a7345596.html

My ILs also do this, with not only intelligence but literally any positive quality, and it also annoys me. I get they are proud but after a while it feels rude and hurtful. Like it's everything -- her appearance, her academic performance, her manners, her love of reading, everything. It's either attributed directly to my DH or to some part of his family. And it's not like I'm mad that I don't get "credit" for it -- if anything, I'm irritated at how little credit they give to DD. She's not a great reader because her dad is a great reader, she's a great reader because she works at it. It's her victory, not just evidence of her superior genetics.

Of course, if she does something they consider rude or inappropriate, that's always a parenting issue and since they believe parenting is mostly the responsibility of the mom, it's my fault.

Yeah, don't love it!

It’s the futile attempt of a MIL desperate to find some semblance of her family in her son’s children to convince herself that while she may not see them as often as the “other” grandparents, she is just as relevant.

Anonymous wrote:You all sound gross. Let me guess you’re all brilliant STEM people who have zero EQ and cant carry a conversation or hold down a real job. Who cares.

who are you PP?

I responded to this thread and have zero Stem skills. I took Algebra 2 in 11th grade and no math since. I took Bio and Chem and got C grades.

But I do have a PhD in Literature. Is that dismissable?

Divorce is the answer OP. Get yourself away from this family.

Why isn’t your DH jumping in to set the record straight (or does he secretly like the ego boosting)? He should *always* jump in and defend you. Something like, “Yup, I did okay in math, but your mom is the real whiz.” Or “Hey kids, your mom and I were both pretty good at math, but we worked hard at it. You may decide math isn’t your thing down the road - and that’s okay. We all have things we like enough to work hard on and we hope you find subjects you like, too.”

Anonymous wrote:Wait—you’re smart enough to go to TJ and graduate from top schools, but you can’t figure out how to ignore some old people enjoying their grandson? Come on, OP. You’re giving smart, accomplished women a bad rep. Grow up and let this go.

IMO, a smart and strong woman would NOT let this go. It's the attitude that women should shut up and pretend to be above this behavior that allows them to continue to be sidelined.

Both sides do this with my kiddos. We just jump in and say”actually….I also had red hair as a kid” … or whatever.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry. That’s annoying.

My in laws do a variation on this where they attribute all of our kids’ failings to me (I’m the mom). And if it is an academic failing then they whisper-add at the “well, your mother isn’t Jewish like us, so she doesn’t really value education.”

But, but…. I have an MD/PhD! I was in school for 13 years AFTER college. Oh well. I gave up on my in laws long ago. The kids don’t seem to care much anyway.

These stories are all so painful but so funny.

Agree. That’s hilarious. You have a PhD and do not value education. That could be in a sitcom.

You all sound gross. Let me guess you’re all brilliant STEM people who have zero EQ and cant carry a conversation or hold down a real job. Who cares.

Anonymous wrote:I went to tj, majored in economics, went to a top business school, and worked at a prestigious consulting firm

DH went to a west coast math science school, majored in engineering, went to SAME business school and worked for SAME consulting firm

In-laws (who I fully admit bug me for many reasons) attribute 100% of our kids intelligence and cleverness to dh. Literally acting like I’m a potato and they could have only gotten brain cells for dh / their family (they also do this with all positive traits but given I have all boys and they imply they got their smarts from dad particularly gets under my skin) Can I point out our identical background to shut that down? It really bugs me to think my sons would think “dads so smart and mom is nice” or some other very gendered stereotype

My white American MIL does the same thing. It’s totally cultural. I would take it with a grain of salt.

Anonymous wrote:Beat them to it. When they he’s good at math (or whatever) cut them off and say, “yep just like me!”

+1

Love this. Be super assertive and confident and the opposite of the stereotype they are risking impressing upon your kids. “Yes, I was super good at that as a kid, too.”

Anonymous wrote:Sorry. That’s annoying.

My in laws do a variation on this where they attribute all of our kids’ failings to me (I’m the mom). And if it is an academic failing then they whisper-add at the “well, your mother isn’t Jewish like us, so she doesn’t really value education.”

But, but…. I have an MD/PhD! I was in school for 13 years AFTER college. Oh well. I gave up on my in laws long ago. The kids don’t seem to care much anyway.

That's so mean!