Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not discount the potential issues being a stepmom and also dealing with someone’s ex. You are presenting guy number two as the stable option, but generally speaking, there are lots of complications when you’re dealing with someone who is divorced with kids. Lots of things that people don’t realize until they are already in the marriage. Also, it sounds like he is 10 or so years older than you, which can present its own set of problems.

And none of that means she should therefore choose Door Number One, The Ex. If she's so set against being a stepmom, she needs to split up with the current SO but going back to the ex sounds astoundingly wrong.

Better to be without either one, OP, than to see this as only a binary choice. You don't have to choose either man. Please dont' be a "I am nothing without a man" women.

I rather worry you feel you must pick one of these two, though, because you sound a little besotted with the idea of romance, which the ex is trying to show you with his letter and promises that he'll change. All the romance in the world will mean nothing a few years into a marriage where you were depending on your husband changing.

Never marry in the hope that your spouse is going to change, or with the belief that you can change him.

Yup. That’s why she needs to choose guy #3

Anonymous wrote:Older guy no question. Don’t be dumb.

NP. I would not say #2 outright, but definitely not #1.

I don't know the background of all the people posting on here, but as a woman, married now 20 years to a staid, boring, but smart guy, but dated a fun, not as smart but emotionally stunted guy who I was crazy about, #2 made for a better LTR and marriage partner. Even though I didn't marry #1, in hindsight, having gone through 20 years of marriage, I 100% know that there would have been way more issues with #1.

Marriage and kids are hard enough without the explosive relationship. Passion only gets you so far in a marriage, where you have real life, grown up responsibilities, especially after having kids.

And I don't blame you OP for not wanting to be a stepmom. I would not have wanted that either when I was younger.

Honestly?

Neither guy sounds great. You should break up with both and find someone more compatible.

The ex is full of drama. The new guy has baggage—on paper he’s great and stable but he’s already messed up one marriage and it only gets harder the second time around. If you’re not head over heals in love, you need to move on. Neither relationship is marriage material.

Older guy no question. Don’t be dumb.

Intelligence is inherited, OP. If your ex isn’t smart, that’s a dealbreaker right there. Don’t burden your future children with a low IQ. Plus, your ex probably wants you because he can’t have you. If you take him back, the chase is over for him. Are you sure he will not revert to his old ways?

Also, don’t marry the other guy, even if he is smart and kind. You are being honest with yourself about his DD. It’s good that you recognize you do not want to be a stepmother. It’s not fair to the child to marry her father if you are not interested in building a positive, supportive, nurturing relationship with her.

Neither man is The One. Keep looking.

If you can’t even decide which one you want to be with, you shouldn’t marry either of them. Would you want to marry someone who wasn’t sure if they would be happier with someone else?

I'd vote for guy #3. Instead of "arguing" I think the Notebook had a lot of passion. His negative was that he was poor, not that he had issues or they fought too much. You aren't into guy #2 enough that when guy #1 comes knocking you don't immediately shut that door.

I too couldn't be a stepmom. My close friend is a fantastic one, but I just am not that selfless. And her situation is easier because the mom basically has give up custody and they have stepdaughter 24/7, so they're not fighting over her care or money.

I had a wonderful ex-fiance I was with for 7 years. He was 95% perfect but 5% of him was broken from a pretty traumatic, unloved childhood. And it would come out and he'd fight over things. But there was lots of passion. I just decided to my self that I didn't want to live that life and if I never found anyone else, it would be better than being married to him. Not one single person thought I was doing the right thing. I met dh a few months later and he's absolutely perfect. I haven't thought about my ex in decades.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just because you say, "no" to one, doesn't mean you have to marry the other

"Wants to marry me" is a big red flag --- you are being passive. Very passive. Like, "this is happening to me" ... rather than YOU being empowered. In your own life. How about you stay away from #1 and not marry #2. And keep your eyes open for a better, yet unknown, #3.

This.

OP, you don't love #2 enough to marry him. Let him go find someone who loves him. If he's so nice, don't waste his time. And don't go back to the hot mess.

Just move on and find someone else.

I don’t think it’s fair to compare three years to a new relationship with only a year under your belt.

DP, not the one above.

Is the bold you, OP? Or another poster? This sounds like something OP would say to herself as she's trying to twist herself like a pretzel to justify why she should return to the ex: "I had three years invested in him, only one invested in the current man...."

And yes, OP, that kind of thinking is indeed an attempt at justification. You. Broke. It. Off. For a very good reason. Now you're getting sucked back toward the ex because--why? He's talking marriage and maybe you wanted that before but he didn't offer it? And he's talking marriage and vowing he'll get therapy and be good now? He might truly believe what he's telling you, but that does not mean you need to say yes.

PP, I’m telling OP it’s not fair to compare like that. She probably feels a stronger hold to her ex because 3 years you have a lot of familiarity. It’s not fair to compare 1 year to 3 years. She should focus on who would best fit her long term, instead of comparing the two men.

OP, have you considered any of the following? How much do you really know about the timing of this approach by your ex? What has he told you about why he's approaching with his vows of love and promise of marriage now?

Is he rebounding from another relationship that failed?
Or maybe he hasn't had any relationships since he was with you, so he wants back what's familiar, namely, you?
Does he know you're in a relationship? Could he be jealous and feeling that you really should be his because, of course, he loves you better than your SO....
Is he having issues elsewhere in his life (family, work, whatever) and he wants his life to go back to a time that he now thinks was "better"?
To be blunt: Pandemic boredom or pandemic "I haven't had a date in two years and maybe OP would be interested...?"

There's got to be context beyond a letter out of the blue. Just saying he realizes he loves you and regrets losing you is...fine, but it's likely he has some other issues going on in his head or his life. So what ARE those other issues and context? And whatever he tells you that context is, can you fully trust what he says?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just because you say, "no" to one, doesn't mean you have to marry the other

"Wants to marry me" is a big red flag --- you are being passive. Very passive. Like, "this is happening to me" ... rather than YOU being empowered. In your own life. How about you stay away from #1 and not marry #2. And keep your eyes open for a better, yet unknown, #3.

This.

OP, you don't love #2 enough to marry him. Let him go find someone who loves him. If he's so nice, don't waste his time. And don't go back to the hot mess.

Just move on and find someone else.

I don’t think it’s fair to compare three years to a new relationship with only a year under your belt.

DP, not the one above.

Is the bold you, OP? Or another poster? This sounds like something OP would say to herself as she's trying to twist herself like a pretzel to justify why she should return to the ex: "I had three years invested in him, only one invested in the current man...."

And yes, OP, that kind of thinking is indeed an attempt at justification. You. Broke. It. Off. For a very good reason. Now you're getting sucked back toward the ex because--why? He's talking marriage and maybe you wanted that before but he didn't offer it? And he's talking marriage and vowing he'll get therapy and be good now? He might truly believe what he's telling you, but that does not mean you need to say yes.

Anonymous wrote:Neither. Keep looking. Don’t settle.

+1 Being a stepmom is a big deal. If you don't think you can do it, don't try. And I think in the long run you will regret going back to the original BF unless he's already had therapy on his own to deal with his issues. Fighting isn't romantic.

Anonymous wrote:I would not discount the potential issues being a stepmom and also dealing with someone’s ex. You are presenting guy number two as the stable option, but generally speaking, there are lots of complications when you’re dealing with someone who is divorced with kids. Lots of things that people don’t realize until they are already in the marriage. Also, it sounds like he is 10 or so years older than you, which can present its own set of problems.

And none of that means she should therefore choose Door Number One, The Ex. If she's so set against being a stepmom, she needs to split up with the current SO but going back to the ex sounds astoundingly wrong.

Better to be without either one, OP, than to see this as only a binary choice. You don't have to choose either man. Please dont' be a "I am nothing without a man" women.

I rather worry you feel you must pick one of these two, though, because you sound a little besotted with the idea of romance, which the ex is trying to show you with his letter and promises that he'll change. All the romance in the world will mean nothing a few years into a marriage where you were depending on your husband changing.

Never marry in the hope that your spouse is going to change, or with the belief that you can change him.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would dump them both. Move on front he ex and since your refereed to the current BF’s daughter as a “negative” go ahead and do him a favor and let him go too. You would be well served to be alone for a while.

Please disregard this OP. As many of us have said being a stepparent is a negative.

OP is the problem having referred to an actual child as a "negative" not the role of stepparent.

No, she said it was a negative that he has a child because she’s not keen on being a stepmom. She said nothing about disliking his child.

Anonymous wrote:Not your ex. He is an ex for a reason.

Decide if you can be a stepmom with #2. If no, then it is time to find option #3.

+1. Its ok to not want to be a stepmom. It will be very hard if you choose to, so if you aren’t crazy about the guy a year in, you can opt out.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would dump them both. Move on front he ex and since your refereed to the current BF’s daughter as a “negative” go ahead and do him a favor and let him go too. You would be well served to be alone for a while.

Please disregard this OP. As many of us have said being a stepparent is a negative.

OP is the problem having referred to an actual child as a "negative" not the role of stepparent.