Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you posted about this relationship before? The detail about a sick AP who couldn’t be contacted rings a bell.

The sick AP wasn't OP--that was a different pp giving an example of what happened to her.

I’m “sick” AP and our was in person that started from an existing real world relationship that was originally legitimate. Was not at all online or seeking and have never cheated on anyone else before or since.

That’s different. These affair websites bang on first meet. Men waaay outnumber women so they get a bite for one, she logistically checks boxes for their no strings agreement and go. Real world relationships that evolve are different than basically what amounts to a porn website designed for “mutual destruction”. Men playing the part to get some variety action.

Are you the DW with the wayward DH who found someone in one of those sites and who slept with her for years? And then he explained it to you as the result of his (faithful) mother not being good at being a mother to his (cheating) dad? Is it your husband also posting here to explain again how much he hated betraying you?

I wish you two would just continue offline couples therapy. Offline.

^also lots of anger issues and control issues and being critical. My issues. I thought I could solve by blowing off steam and escaping by doing this. Just made things much worse over time with the stress of lies and cover up and self hate for what I was doing to someone I loved.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your AP was mean to you at the end and broke up with you did it sour you on the whole affair? Do you regret the entire thing and years wasted? We had a multi-year thing, but at the end he said horrible things to me and about me and cut off ties. I’m married too if it matters. Did you get back out there or plan to divorce or just resigned to your marriage and no more?

OP, when you refer to "years wasted," did you have an expectation all along that he would eventually leave his wife for you? That would give more context to what you're asking.

No. It started out online. It was to have fun, not break up marriages, see where it goes. I developed strong feelings over time. I didn’t think he would leave his wife. He always spoke highly of her, but since our thing lasted a long time I kept thinking maybe he was changing his mind. I guess in the back of my mind I thought if I hung in there we might end up together. But, looking back I now wonder if it meant anything which makes me feel kind of used. Of course, now I’m 4-years older and wasn’t young to begin with so it’s harder to think about leaving my marriage. I guess I thought it would be another fight, but we’d make up again.

Sorry, OP. It did mean something, but in the end, he realized you wanted (and probably deserved) more than he could offer. The way he acted was more a projection of his frustration at his own inability to end his marriage as well as his bitter disappointment that your relationship was ending and it was his fault.

Frustration over trying to end the affair with someone who wouldn’t take a hint and I was afraid might do something rash. Never any intention of anything more. Got in over my head. Lived and learned. No love there. Just a headache and stress, so much so enlisted a therapist to help extricate myself from the situation and get life back on track.

Curious could you share how your therapist helped you?

Pretty obvious that the issue is not being able to fulfill your needs within the existing relationship.

Not happy with self. Poor coping skills. Midlife crisis. Couldn’t weather natural ups and downs. Death of parent. Childhood trauma resulting in need for excess external validation. More alcohol over time. All the usual factors. Really worked on learning to feel empathy and guilt. Narcissistic tendencies —how to override those. A lot was circumstantial in a long marriage, which was actually a really good marriage. No role models of what’s healthy and normal growing up.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your AP was mean to you at the end and broke up with you did it sour you on the whole affair? Do you regret the entire thing and years wasted? We had a multi-year thing, but at the end he said horrible things to me and about me and cut off ties. I’m married too if it matters. Did you get back out there or plan to divorce or just resigned to your marriage and no more?

OP, when you refer to "years wasted," did you have an expectation all along that he would eventually leave his wife for you? That would give more context to what you're asking.

No. It started out online. It was to have fun, not break up marriages, see where it goes. I developed strong feelings over time. I didn’t think he would leave his wife. He always spoke highly of her, but since our thing lasted a long time I kept thinking maybe he was changing his mind. I guess in the back of my mind I thought if I hung in there we might end up together. But, looking back I now wonder if it meant anything which makes me feel kind of used. Of course, now I’m 4-years older and wasn’t young to begin with so it’s harder to think about leaving my marriage. I guess I thought it would be another fight, but we’d make up again.

Sorry, OP. It did mean something, but in the end, he realized you wanted (and probably deserved) more than he could offer. The way he acted was more a projection of his frustration at his own inability to end his marriage as well as his bitter disappointment that your relationship was ending and it was his fault.

Frustration over trying to end the affair with someone who wouldn’t take a hint and I was afraid might do something rash. Never any intention of anything more. Got in over my head. Lived and learned. No love there. Just a headache and stress, so much so enlisted a therapist to help extricate myself from the situation and get life back on track.

Curious could you share how your therapist helped you?

Pretty obvious that the issue is not being able to fulfill your needs within the existing relationship.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you posted about this relationship before? The detail about a sick AP who couldn’t be contacted rings a bell.

The sick AP wasn't OP--that was a different pp giving an example of what happened to her.

I’m “sick” AP and our was in person that started from an existing real world relationship that was originally legitimate. Was not at all online or seeking and have never cheated on anyone else before or since.

That’s different. These affair websites bang on first meet. Men waaay outnumber women so they get a bite for one, she logistically checks boxes for their no strings agreement and go. Real world relationships that evolve are different than basically what amounts to a porn website designed for “mutual destruction”. Men playing the part to get some variety action.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you posted about this relationship before? The detail about a sick AP who couldn’t be contacted rings a bell.

The sick AP wasn't OP--that was a different pp giving an example of what happened to her.

I’m “sick” AP and our was in person that started from an existing real world relationship that was originally legitimate. Was not at all online or seeking and have never cheated on anyone else before or since.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your AP was mean to you at the end and broke up with you did it sour you on the whole affair? Do you regret the entire thing and years wasted? We had a multi-year thing, but at the end he said horrible things to me and about me and cut off ties. I’m married too if it matters. Did you get back out there or plan to divorce or just resigned to your marriage and no more?

OP, when you refer to "years wasted," did you have an expectation all along that he would eventually leave his wife for you? That would give more context to what you're asking.

No. It started out online. It was to have fun, not break up marriages, see where it goes. I developed strong feelings over time. I didn’t think he would leave his wife. He always spoke highly of her, but since our thing lasted a long time I kept thinking maybe he was changing his mind. I guess in the back of my mind I thought if I hung in there we might end up together. But, looking back I now wonder if it meant anything which makes me feel kind of used. Of course, now I’m 4-years older and wasn’t young to begin with so it’s harder to think about leaving my marriage. I guess I thought it would be another fight, but we’d make up again.

Sorry, OP. It did mean something, but in the end, he realized you wanted (and probably deserved) more than he could offer. The way he acted was more a projection of his frustration at his own inability to end his marriage as well as his bitter disappointment that your relationship was ending and it was his fault.

Frustration over trying to end the affair with someone who wouldn’t take a hint and I was afraid might do something rash. Never any intention of anything more. Got in over my head. Lived and learned. No love there. Just a headache and stress, so much so enlisted a therapist to help extricate myself from the situation and get life back on track.

Curious could you share how your therapist helped you?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your AP was mean to you at the end and broke up with you did it sour you on the whole affair? Do you regret the entire thing and years wasted? We had a multi-year thing, but at the end he said horrible things to me and about me and cut off ties. I’m married too if it matters. Did you get back out there or plan to divorce or just resigned to your marriage and no more?

OP, when you refer to "years wasted," did you have an expectation all along that he would eventually leave his wife for you? That would give more context to what you're asking.

No. It started out online. It was to have fun, not break up marriages, see where it goes. I developed strong feelings over time. I didn’t think he would leave his wife. He always spoke highly of her, but since our thing lasted a long time I kept thinking maybe he was changing his mind. I guess in the back of my mind I thought if I hung in there we might end up together. But, looking back I now wonder if it meant anything which makes me feel kind of used. Of course, now I’m 4-years older and wasn’t young to begin with so it’s harder to think about leaving my marriage. I guess I thought it would be another fight, but we’d make up again.

Sorry, OP. It did mean something, but in the end, he realized you wanted (and probably deserved) more than he could offer. The way he acted was more a projection of his frustration at his own inability to end his marriage as well as his bitter disappointment that your relationship was ending and it was his fault.

Frustration over trying to end the affair with someone who wouldn’t take a hint and I was afraid might do something rash. Never any intention of anything more. Got in over my head. Lived and learned. No love there. Just a headache and stress, so much so enlisted a therapist to help extricate myself from the situation and get life back on track.

Did the therapist tell you that your main problem is selfishness?

Anonymous wrote:

He said the mean things at the end, but it’s how he thought if you and your “thing” the entire time. You were always disposable. Therapy will probably help you figure out why you bought into a fantasy.


An affair that lasted "multi-years" is far from a fantasy. Married people need to stop leaning on that to dismiss real people having a real connection and real feelings and real sex. Nothing fantasy about that. It's a relationship whether you like it or not.

Yep, it was only real sex and that’s not a relationship. It’s not knowing each other’s friends and families, planning family vacations, taking care of each other when sick, owning a home, walking the dog, joint accounts, and on and on. It’s just sex and talk about a fake future, without access to 90% of the AP’s real life. So yes, the “relationship “ was a fantasy.

DP. You can’t have it both ways, though. All the posts talk about how sex is the most important thing during dating. The reason someone would keep someone else in their life at great risk to their marriage is because there is a bond and essential needs are being fulfilled. Think about emotional affairs — same thing. For some people that stuff is so important that they are willing to put their joint accounts and mutual friends and loyal partner at risk. They may not even want to admit that to themselves, but that’s a fact.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your AP was mean to you at the end and broke up with you did it sour you on the whole affair? Do you regret the entire thing and years wasted? We had a multi-year thing, but at the end he said horrible things to me and about me and cut off ties. I’m married too if it matters. Did you get back out there or plan to divorce or just resigned to your marriage and no more?

OP, when you refer to "years wasted," did you have an expectation all along that he would eventually leave his wife for you? That would give more context to what you're asking.

No. It started out online. It was to have fun, not break up marriages, see where it goes. I developed strong feelings over time. I didn’t think he would leave his wife. He always spoke highly of her, but since our thing lasted a long time I kept thinking maybe he was changing his mind. I guess in the back of my mind I thought if I hung in there we might end up together. But, looking back I now wonder if it meant anything which makes me feel kind of used. Of course, now I’m 4-years older and wasn’t young to begin with so it’s harder to think about leaving my marriage. I guess I thought it would be another fight, but we’d make up again.

Sorry, OP. It did mean something, but in the end, he realized you wanted (and probably deserved) more than he could offer. The way he acted was more a projection of his frustration at his own inability to end his marriage as well as his bitter disappointment that your relationship was ending and it was his fault.

Frustration over trying to end the affair with someone who wouldn’t take a hint and I was afraid might do something rash. Never any intention of anything more. Got in over my head. Lived and learned. No love there. Just a headache and stress, so much so enlisted a therapist to help extricate myself from the situation and get life back on track.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your AP was mean to you at the end and broke up with you did it sour you on the whole affair? Do you regret the entire thing and years wasted? We had a multi-year thing, but at the end he said horrible things to me and about me and cut off ties. I’m married too if it matters. Did you get back out there or plan to divorce or just resigned to your marriage and no more?

OP, when you refer to "years wasted," did you have an expectation all along that he would eventually leave his wife for you? That would give more context to what you're asking.

No. It started out online. It was to have fun, not break up marriages, see where it goes. I developed strong feelings over time. I didn’t think he would leave his wife. He always spoke highly of her, but since our thing lasted a long time I kept thinking maybe he was changing his mind. I guess in the back of my mind I thought if I hung in there we might end up together. But, looking back I now wonder if it meant anything which makes me feel kind of used. Of course, now I’m 4-years older and wasn’t young to begin with so it’s harder to think about leaving my marriage. I guess I thought it would be another fight, but we’d make up again.

Sorry, OP. It did mean something, but in the end, he realized you wanted (and probably deserved) more than he could offer. The way he acted was more a projection of his frustration at his own inability to end his marriage as well as his bitter disappointment that your relationship was ending and it was his fault.

I think her HUSBAND deserved more, better- certainly not OP. JFC . He got what he wanted and ended in a final way. The sooner that’s accepted maybe she can get her head out of the clouds and fix her real life by getting therapy and a divorce.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

He said the mean things at the end, but it’s how he thought if you and your “thing” the entire time. You were always disposable. Therapy will probably help you figure out why you bought into a fantasy.


An affair that lasted "multi-years" is far from a fantasy. Married people need to stop leaning on that to dismiss real people having a real connection and real feelings and real sex. Nothing fantasy about that. It's a relationship whether you like it or not.

Yep, it was only real sex and that’s not a relationship. It’s not knowing each other’s friends and families, planning family vacations, taking care of each other when sick, owning a home, walking the dog, joint accounts, and on and on. It’s just sex and talk about a fake future, without access to 90% of the AP’s real life. So yes, the “relationship “ was a fantasy.

NP. I’ll go one further. The AP doesn’t have access to ANY of the other AP’s real life, because the part the AP has access to is a fabrication. Sure you might know true details about the AP, where they live or work, how many kids they have, where they’ve been. But it’s all presented in a colorful fabrication to make the AP look better than they actually are. It’s like an Insta page, but not for the general masses. It’s one specially curated for the AP for the sole purpose of getting the AP to produce much-desired positive feedback, validation and admiration. Stuff that the AP is undoubtedly lacking at home and/or has such an insatiable appetite for it that he or she is compelled to go outside the home to get even more. So, this is not at all a relationship. At best it is a desperate attempt to bolster their own ego. At worst, it’s a power play to bolster their ego with no concern for the impact to others, including the AP and their respective families.

This. They are getting a chance to escape/be a different person and have someone blow smoke up their tired old asses.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He said the mean things at the end, but it’s how he thought if you and your “thing” the entire time. You were always disposable. Therapy will probably help you figure out why you bought into a fantasy.

An affair that lasted "multi-years" is far from a fantasy. Married people need to stop leaning on that to dismiss real people having a real connection and real feelings and real sex. Nothing fantasy about that. It's a relationship whether you like it or not.

That depends on a lot. Was this wham, bam thank you ma’am once or twice a month? That’s hardly a “relationship” in any sense of the word. Are they telling you anything of truth? Do you know anything about their real life or childhood or friends? Are they afraid to be seen with you? Most likely you are getting a sanitized version.

There are many no-strings agreements from affair websites that are absolutely zero like a regular relationship. Very little communication in between bangs to risk not being caught.

In OPs case the guy from the website told her it was no-strings. She said she wanted the same and didn’t want to leave a marriage. She also says he only ever spoke very highly of his wife.

That was going nowhere good from day 1. There were two male posters that described similar situations and the both said when the AP started pushing for more of their time, talking of feelings, wanting public outings, becoming demanding that they pulled the plug in a pretty volatile way from anger/frustration after trying to do the slow fade, distant more infrequent contact for awhile. APs wouldn’t take the hint or accept that they didn’t have the same feelings.

If that’s you idea of a relationship, you need lots of therapy. It’s all fantasy.

Anonymous wrote:

He said the mean things at the end, but it’s how he thought if you and your “thing” the entire time. You were always disposable. Therapy will probably help you figure out why you bought into a fantasy.


An affair that lasted "multi-years" is far from a fantasy. Married people need to stop leaning on that to dismiss real people having a real connection and real feelings and real sex. Nothing fantasy about that. It's a relationship whether you like it or not.

Yep, it was only real sex and that’s not a relationship. It’s not knowing each other’s friends and families, planning family vacations, taking care of each other when sick, owning a home, walking the dog, joint accounts, and on and on. It’s just sex and talk about a fake future, without access to 90% of the AP’s real life. So yes, the “relationship “ was a fantasy.

NP. I’ll go one further. The AP doesn’t have access to ANY of the other AP’s real life, because the part the AP has access to is a fabrication. Sure you might know true details about the AP, where they live or work, how many kids they have, where they’ve been. But it’s all presented in a colorful fabrication to make the AP look better than they actually are. It’s like an Insta page, but not for the general masses. It’s one specially curated for the AP for the sole purpose of getting the AP to produce much-desired positive feedback, validation and admiration. Stuff that the AP is undoubtedly lacking at home and/or has such an insatiable appetite for it that he or she is compelled to go outside the home to get even more. So, this is not at all a relationship. At best it is a desperate attempt to bolster their own ego. At worst, it’s a power play to bolster their ego with no concern for the impact to others, including the AP and their respective families.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your AP was mean to you at the end and broke up with you did it sour you on the whole affair? Do you regret the entire thing and years wasted? We had a multi-year thing, but at the end he said horrible things to me and about me and cut off ties. I’m married too if it matters. Did you get back out there or plan to divorce or just resigned to your marriage and no more?

OP, when you refer to "years wasted," did you have an expectation all along that he would eventually leave his wife for you? That would give more context to what you're asking.

No. It started out online. It was to have fun, not break up marriages, see where it goes. I developed strong feelings over time. I didn’t think he would leave his wife. He always spoke highly of her, but since our thing lasted a long time I kept thinking maybe he was changing his mind. I guess in the back of my mind I thought if I hung in there we might end up together. But, looking back I now wonder if it meant anything which makes me feel kind of used. Of course, now I’m 4-years older and wasn’t young to begin with so it’s harder to think about leaving my marriage. I guess I thought it would be another fight, but we’d make up again.

Sorry, OP. It did mean something, but in the end, he realized you wanted (and probably deserved) more than he could offer. The way he acted was more a projection of his frustration at his own inability to end his marriage as well as his bitter disappointment that your relationship was ending and it was his fault.