Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He began dating a Catholic girl at age 19 and converted to Catholicism. They’ve since broken up, and he has become even more involved in the church and the religion. He has no interests outside of the church and is flailing. He’s 22 and about to graduate with a degree in history, but has no interest in pursuing a career in his field of study.

He’s been brainwashed. He can’t talk about anything without putting a religious spin on it. We are not a religious family and interactions with him are uncomfortable.

Has anyone here experienced religion taking away a loved one? I’m concerned about his future. Can anyone offer some words of wisdom or share a similar experience?

Its about your dislike of religion not his liking of it.

It is not about my dislike for religion. It is about his inability to connect to the secular world and his family. He can’t have a conversation without bringing religion into it. He’s lost any motivation he once had for a career and independence, as he waits for God to provide. He is consumed with thoughts of becoming a saint.

Oh, the horror! Keep clutching those pearls, OP.

Pp here. This doesn’t sound concerning to you? Really? I’m not talking about being overly-religious, but the possibility of mental illness. Although I’m Jewish and perhaps I’m not understanding the saint part?

A well-formed Catholic would see their ultimate goal as going to heaven. By definition, anyone who has gone to heaven is a saint, not just people who have been canonized by the pope. Someone who joined the Church as an adult and is more familiar with the catechism (teachings of the church) might frame things in that way. Many faithful Catholics are very productive members of their communities. I also don’t find it unusual that an early 20 something does not have career direction (we are looking at college students who’ve had a pandemic education, looking at an uncertain economy, etc). There are therapists who are Catholic who might be a good match for him. They will understand spiritually where he is coming from but also be able to identify ways in which he is using his faith as a crutch or an excuse. No Catholic therapist is going to tell him it’s okay to just sit around.

I appreciate where you are coming from, but as a Catholic who has experience with a mentally ill family member, OP is not being anti-religious or misunderstanding Catholicism -- this young man's behavior at this age is not a part of religious observance; it is a red flag for serious mental illness.

TBH I don’t totally trust OP’s spin on this. It sounds like any convo about religion is too much for her, and the stuff about him wanting to be a saint sounds like an exaggeration, frankly.

OP, your son sounds like my single cousin, though she is much older. Intelligent woman, a degree in nursing though she did not practice in the field more than a few years. Raised in a strict Catholic household, but then she joined a Latin Mass community as an adult and went off the deep end.

I would liken her current situation to being part of a cult. She is a nice person, but absolutely every single thing is focused on religion for her. It’s challenging to have a conversation with her, so I very seldom even communicate with her anymore. It’s just too much.

If your son is part of a Latin Mass community or similar, I would be more concerned about that than a regular Catholic church. However, the parish in my area is known for being extremely conservative and insular. After my mother died, we stopped participating because the whole thing was completely over the top.

As others have suggested, your son may eventually gravitate toward being a priest or working in the church. If it makes him happy and he is a contributing member of society, then there’s probably not much you can do. But I hear you. I have really hated to see what has happened to my cousin. I cannot imagine how I would feel if something like that happened to one of my children. Your concerns are valid.

Another thought. Is there a possibility that he is struggling with sexuality and he's having more trouble accepting it than the girlfriend? And he's praying it away?

Anonymous wrote:Why don't you attend mass or the church events with him once in a while to get the inside skinny. As another poster indicated, the Catholic church is the least evangelical/cult-like religion out there. Maybe he's doubling down on the the Catholicism, bc he's dealing with the disappointment of having broken up with the person he has converted for (maybe he's not over it and searching for someone like her who has the same faith). Maybe he feels a calling and will become a priest. Maybe he just feels alone and the church fills a void. Get to know his church friends and encourage him to do some stuff with them outside the church as well.

Completely untrue. Charismatic Catholics are absolutely as dogmatic or worse than any fundie in mainstream Christian denominations. I've seen several people over the years literally go off the deep end in extreme Catholic communities.

Anonymous wrote:He began dating a Catholic girl at age 19 and converted to Catholicism. They’ve since broken up, and he has become even more involved in the church and the religion. He has no interests outside of the church and is flailing. He’s 22 and about to graduate with a degree in history, but has no interest in pursuing a career in his field of study.

He’s been brainwashed. He can’t talk about anything without putting a religious spin on it. We are not a religious family and interactions with him are uncomfortable.

Has anyone here experienced religion taking away a loved one? I’m concerned about his future. Can anyone offer some words of wisdom or share a similar experience?

I'm muslim but I would reach out to the priest or chaplain or whomever of the church he belongs to and share my concern, they are best placed to address these concerns with your son in a way that he will understand.

Why don't you attend mass or the church events with him once in a while to get the inside skinny. As another poster indicated, the Catholic church is the least evangelical/cult-like religion out there. Maybe he's doubling down on the the Catholicism, bc he's dealing with the disappointment of having broken up with the person he has converted for (maybe he's not over it and searching for someone like her who has the same faith). Maybe he feels a calling and will become a priest. Maybe he just feels alone and the church fills a void. Get to know his church friends and encourage him to do some stuff with them outside the church as well.

The priest may be the one person your son trusts enough to listen to. I would have a sit down with him, as a parent respectful of religious faith but that has some concerns about the red flags you mentioned: the ruminations, obsessive thoughts. Would the priest be willing to ask your son to consider a mental health evaluation with a physician, at the very least to rule out disordered thinking? A person can be a devout, faithful, loving Catholic and yet also pursue mental health treatment - it isn’t either/or. Even better if the priest can help your son find a trusted Catholic psychologist.

Work WITH the people who care about your son - at the very least, they can keep a further eye on him.

I 100% sympathize, I find people who talk to me about their religion really irritating.

But at 22, I would try to just wait and let him work through it.

It could be worse, it could be CrossFit.

Anonymous wrote:Well, basically .001% of people with BAs in history are working in their field of study (I have a Ph.D. in history and do not work in the field). I agree with others to be neutral about his religious involvement and try not to convey anxiety about his future.

This. My DH has a BS in History (yeah, go figure) and he is an exec in the IT industry.

For all the religious folks here, just stop. 100% this is not about religion. It's about a marked change in behavior. Frankly, OP's description points to a mental health issue. Yes,sometimes religion is incorporated in many mental health concerns.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's actually strange that this is happening in a Catholic context. The only experience I've had with that kind of all in religious attitude change is born again evangelicals and creationist protestant.

Catholics tend to be the least overtly religious, with many more "cultural Catholics" than religious, though obviously you can find them if you seek it out, but super rare that they look for people to "brainwash" (which isn't a Catholic thing at all, unless its Opus Dei).

Given his age, it is much more likely that he is experiencing an emerging psychological disorder that has nothing to do with the religion, but is being manifesting in his clinging to it. Certain disorders emerge among boys in the college years. It happened to my brother. To best help him, try looking beyond the religion part of it to see what is going on in his head.

What psychological disorder could be manifesting? Could you provide some examples?

NP - A form of OCD called religious scrupulosity. Our family is religious, but we have a son with this, and it is over the top.

That was mentioned above as well.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's actually strange that this is happening in a Catholic context. The only experience I've had with that kind of all in religious attitude change is born again evangelicals and creationist protestant.

Catholics tend to be the least overtly religious, with many more "cultural Catholics" than religious, though obviously you can find them if you seek it out, but super rare that they look for people to "brainwash" (which isn't a Catholic thing at all, unless its Opus Dei).

Given his age, it is much more likely that he is experiencing an emerging psychological disorder that has nothing to do with the religion, but is being manifesting in his clinging to it. Certain disorders emerge among boys in the college years. It happened to my brother. To best help him, try looking beyond the religion part of it to see what is going on in his head.

What psychological disorder could be manifesting? Could you provide some examples?

NP - A form of OCD called religious scrupulosity. Our family is religious, but we have a son with this, and it is over the top.

Anonymous wrote:Ok, the withdrawal from the world a waiting for God to take over and wanting to become a saint part of this is a red flag for emerging disordered thinking. I'm Catholic, and if my 22-year-old became obsessive about religion and starting have grandiose thoughts of sainthood, I would do everything in my power (which you will soon find is limited by his status as an adult) to encourage him to get an evaluation.

You may want to actually go and talk to a psychiatrist and to a monk or priest yourself to get some clarity on the difference between passion for religion and disordered thinking. A psychiatrist can help you understand how to talk to someone having delusional thoughts if that starts to happen. There are several monasteries in the area and they are welcoming and might be helpful to you. They will tell you that "wanting to become a saint" is not the consistent with the humility the Church teaches and not how sainthood happens. One may strive to emulate the charity and faith and fortitude of a saint one admires, but to wish to become one (especially by sitting around waiting for it to happen) or believe you are destined to be one -- that's a whole different thing: usually a schizoaffective disorder of the grandiose type.

OP, this is good advice. I would add asking to join him at mass and meeting his parish priest. Find out what Catholic organizations he belongs to. Be cause if he doesn’t really belong to any, that’s a red flag. If he has been spending time with a priest or others, they may have thoughts about him that can help assess potential mental illness, or maybe he is just devout. The minute information provided here is not nearly enough to determine and it’s coming from one viewpoint. I was educated in catholic schools and am a practicing Christian. A guy I grew up with in church became extremely religious, constantly quoting Bible verses in our late 20s early 30s. After some time it became obvious that something was wrong and he wasn’t just devout. His family got him mental health help and he received a diagnosis. This is at a conservative Christian church, we knew something was wrong with him. His religious community and priest may as well.

As has been mentioned already, the goal is not to become a saint, that is the opposite of Christian and Catholic teachings. Faith without works is dead, so sitting around doing nothing, red flag. If it isn’t mental illness, then his devotion maybe be well served in religious life.

Anonymous wrote:He can become a priest. Win. Win.

I would ask him to consider it if he feels called to it. I could see someone moving from history into theology as an avenue of study, so maybe a scholar would be an option to. The benefit of this is that he would have his own congregation to preach to and be concerned with, which could alleviate his desire to proselytize to you.

Anonymous wrote:Says a lot about the state of our society that parents would be concerned at their son’s faith. Would you rather him sleep around? Party? I’m not seeing the issue.

Religious zealotry is hard to stomach for many. Sorry but it is. And SO MANY of the pearl clutching Christians who are just "in disbelief" that these parents would be concerned about this would have an absolute stroke if their child were equally as committed to an different religion just saying