Anonymous
02/01/2022 20:17
Subject: Arranged Marriage?!?
Not Indian, but one of my favourite movies is Arranged, which is about a friendship between two young teachers in NYC, one orthodox Jewish and one Muslim, who are going through their respective arranged marriage processes. I think it does a really good job of presenting their points of view.
Anonymous
02/01/2022 20:07
Subject: Arranged Marriage?!?
I think one of the big advantages to a matchmaker/parental involvement is that they will ask the hard questions many people are afraid to ask, or don’t think to ask. Like:
How will you provide for the family?
How will you parent your children?
What is your reputation?
What are your debts?
What is your character?
How do you envision married life?
What are your expectations for sex throughout the marriage?
What are your views on money?
They are also able to more clearly see the red flags, like a man who may not have a great reputation, or who is more frivolous with money, or who will expect his wife to do the bulk of parenting and housework (plus provide income). Like I had no idea in my 20s that a man who didn’t own a cutting board and couldn’t cook would morph into a huge problem during marriage.
So maybe there’s a way to combine both - to let people decide for themselves, but teach them what questions yo ask, empower them to ask those questions, and teach them what red flags to look out for.
How will you provide for the family?
How will you parent your children?
What is your reputation?
What are your debts?
What is your character?
How do you envision married life?
What are your expectations for sex throughout the marriage?
What are your views on money?
They are also able to more clearly see the red flags, like a man who may not have a great reputation, or who is more frivolous with money, or who will expect his wife to do the bulk of parenting and housework (plus provide income). Like I had no idea in my 20s that a man who didn’t own a cutting board and couldn’t cook would morph into a huge problem during marriage.
So maybe there’s a way to combine both - to let people decide for themselves, but teach them what questions yo ask, empower them to ask those questions, and teach them what red flags to look out for.
Anonymous
02/01/2022 18:00
Subject: Arranged Marriage?!?
Anonymous wrote:Arranged marriages can work.
However, the process is tough if you have perceived negatIves such as: short, dark, fat, not well educated. Most families and match makers go with a like-for-like philosophy. If you're a short fat dark guy guess what your arranged marriage pool looks like?
The bright side is you're not left fending for yourself.
Um, guess what your dating pool looks like in that case?
Anonymous
02/01/2022 17:51
Subject: Arranged Marriage?!?
Anonymous wrote:My Indian-American neighbor’s daughter just got married to someone her parents found through an Indian matchmaker. She is good looking, has a good personality, really charming young woman, doing her medical residency. She dated several boys but didn’t really like anyone enough to go into a relationship. Her parents were getting anxious due to cultural norms of getting married before 30. They contacted some match makers and eventually found a good match. He is finishing up last year of medical school in NJ and has a residency slot secured here in Virginia. Their daughter met him few times in person and chatted over zoom and phone as well. They liked each other and agreed to marry.
It feels strange to me as they don’t really know each other but her parents are quite confident it has as much chance of working out as a love marriage. They didn’t even meet each other before wedding. Only saw pictures but it all worked out for them. I wonder if this traditional set up is still common and if it still works. All of my children’s Indian-American friends who were born and raised here in US are finding their partners in standard American ways and wouldn’t even consider any parental involvement, let alone matchmaking so this arrangement is not something we ever saw up close. I was wondering if this can be an option for non-Indians who aren’t finding love around them or on dating sites.
divorce rate in India (mostly traditional matchmaking as you've described) and even among Indian-Americans (mostly self-made matches lol) is much less than the US population at large
Anonymous
02/01/2022 17:50
Subject: Arranged Marriage?!?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Marrying for love is a relatively new concept, and one that is not particularly successful.
Seriously? Marrying for love isn’t a new concept.
It’s only been in the last 150 or so years, so that is recent in context of human time
Not in English history.
Anonymous
02/01/2022 17:47
Subject: Arranged Marriage?!?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Marrying for love is a relatively new concept, and one that is not particularly successful.
Seriously? Marrying for love isn’t a new concept.
It’s only been in the last 150 or so years, so that is recent in context of human time
Anonymous
02/01/2022 15:32
Subject: Arranged Marriage?!?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:According to my Indian colleague, it’s not all as good as it seems on surface, match making and arranged marriages has its own pros and cons. He says not even educated Indians in India wants to go through it.
It’s not really arranged.
It’s like “here is a list of people that fit a certain criteria”. Who on this list do you vibe with.
🤦🏼♂️Here is a list of people from certain race, religion, nationality, ethnicity, cast, social class, profession, income, educational level etc., your parents approve of, please pick any flavor of vanilla you prefer.💆🏽
Pretty much.
Anonymous
02/01/2022 14:16
Subject: Arranged Marriage?!?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:1. She probably isn’t as pretty as you claim she is
2. She and/or her parents wouldn’t consider someone who is a non-doctor (or equivalent ses level of a doc)
Those are the reasons why the non-arranged market didn’t work for her.
When markets don’t clear, interventions need to happen in order to find a solution.
Once you start viewing mating in market terms, everything makes sense
Probably #1. Pretty and lucrative profession Indian girls are mostly out of the market by college.
Those days are gone. My kids attended a high school an a heavily Indian suburban school district, had many in NJ colleges and grad/medical schools, have Indian work colleagues as well so friends with lots of Indians(immigrants, international students, expats, visa hires) and American born Indians. Not many American born Indian girls getting married before 30’s and it’s not because they aren’t pretty or successful, it’s because they are picky and ambitious and in no rush to get married.
Abcd med school girls that are hot get hitched before residency/during residency at the latest
Abcd hot girls that are working in stereotypical white people occupations, I agree. They take longer.
Anonymous
02/01/2022 14:15
Subject: Arranged Marriage?!?
I know several couples whose marriages are arranged. I am close enough to some of them to ask nosey questions, and based on that I am convinced that it can work out very nicely if it's done the right way for the right people. There is a whole cultural backdrop to it, and it's not like these people have been paired off randomly. Lots of thought goes into the process, often way more than with the "normal" "love" marriages.
Anonymous
02/01/2022 14:12
Subject: Arranged Marriage?!?
OP, didn't you watch Indian Matchmaking on Netflix? Terrible show aside, it seemed like a reasonable way to vet and meet people. I mean, you have all their credentials in hand and get to align interest. It's no different than filtering men that you meet online - except that you have the added bonus of family help.
I'm not super concerned about the short window of "dating". I met my husband, dated for 6 months, got engaged, was married approximately 10 months after meeting. That was 14 years ago and I still think that I lucked out big time.
I'm not super concerned about the short window of "dating". I met my husband, dated for 6 months, got engaged, was married approximately 10 months after meeting. That was 14 years ago and I still think that I lucked out big time.
Anonymous
02/01/2022 14:08
Subject: Arranged Marriage?!?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Eh, arranged doesn’t mean forced, ya know. I think going into marriage with a high level of commitment and low expectations for what *you’re* going to get out of it is always a good idea. Many choices can lead to a lot of entitlement.
Plus how many couples do you know who are utterly shocked at who their partners are ten years into marriage? Marriage is always like a box of chocolates imo.
But it is very foreign (literally and figuratively) to me, a white American, too.
Most Indians are also considered white.
Anonymous
02/01/2022 14:07
Subject: Arranged Marriage?!?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Marrying for love is a relatively new concept, and one that is not particularly successful.
Seriously? Marrying for love isn’t a new concept.
What’s Taj Mahal stands for?
Some invader tchotchke
Anonymous
02/01/2022 14:06
Subject: Arranged Marriage?!?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Is it more about finding right religion, cast, ethnicity, social status, looks, income etc or the person? It’s fine if there is no rush to get engaged or marry immediately. If you date for a year and then decide, it may work better but most parents are against it because then things tend to go sour.
Two adults who have gone through all the work to make it to medical school and have a good work ethic, probably have good examples of functional families in their own lives, are educated and high SES, have vetted each other after dating others, decide to marry with the blessings of two families and are being judged by a group of dysfunctional people whose national divorce rate is 50%?
ok. sure.
Fair point, but the colorism and misogyny embedded in the process is absolutely ripe for in-culture and out-culture critique.
There is equally “OGny” going on.
Indian dudes that are broke bois don’t do well in the arranged world also.
Misandry and misogyny from western frames of reference do not really map onto the dynamics here.
My cousin has a great job at a firm just below faang, from a great family but didn’t go to iit/iim or t20 so it took a lot of rejections in arranged world before he found someone
Arranged marriage market is not for the faint of heart for either gender
Anonymous
02/01/2022 14:02
Subject: Arranged Marriage?!?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Could work. Especially if they both expect that the marriage won't fulfill every single need they have for social/emotional/intellectual fulfillment, but they both expect they will be reasonable, caring people who work together to make a home and family.
The One True Love narrative is a lot of pressure.
+100
I completely agree. Of the couples I know who had arranged marriages, more of them worked out than those who followed the One True Love narrative.
Anonymous
02/01/2022 13:55
Subject: Arranged Marriage?!?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Marrying for love is a relatively new concept, and one that is not particularly successful.
Seriously? Marrying for love isn’t a new concept.
What’s Taj Mahal stands for?