OP, he's playing you. Typical addict behavior... blame others, not themselves.

I read all of this because your story reminded me of a coworker friend many years ago dealing with her alcoholic husband while raising 3 your children. By day, he ran a successful small plumbing business but after work he was a stinkin drunk, usually out partying with friends rather than spending time with his family. Her last straw--one night he came home late so drunk that he stumbled into his daughters' dark bedroom and peed in the closet. She threw him out the next morning.

She took him back, I moved away and lost touch but we reconnected a few years later and she told me he got help from AAA and became a model husband and father! They are both retired and still happily together.

OP here. Thanks all. He’s now attacking me (via email, I don’t want to discuss on phone or via text while things are still bad), saying this is all my fault for leaving. That I created a cataclysmic event over a delicate situation. That I should never have left. That he is mentally unwell and not in a good place because of me. Admitted to being extremely hungover and sick and it’s making things worse.
That it’s “unfair” that I was hungover a couple weeks ago (I went out with my girlfriends for the first time in 6+ months) and it was funny, but it’s not funny when he does the same thing. That I’m completely blowing this out of proportion and he is so angry that I walked out on him.

I’m not engaging with his anger, other than to stick up for myself (explaining that yes, I was hungover from 1 fun night I had with my friends in a very long time), to ask him to consider marriage counseling (since we’re not seeing eye to eye here), to explain why I left (multiple instances of broken promises and bad behaviors), and to please stop reversing this onto me and consider his own actions, his problems, and his behaviors.

He is so focused on me “doing this to him” and me “over reacting” that it’s making him act incredibly childish. He’s coming home today and we both need to stay here tonight because of work obligations in the city tomorrow morning, so he’ll be staying in the guest room (or I will).

I’m legitimately worried about his mental state as he’s alluded to “not feeling safe” in the past when he’s having an anxious/ panic episode, and has opened up to me about having “bad thoughts” in high school and during bad parts of his life. I’m empathetic to that and don’t want that for him, but it’s just a fine line between caring and enabling.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for the kind words. I wish I had just put my foot down from the beginning, it seems more muddled / gray area now. He *has* been much better, more aware, more honest, etc - but he’s still having little “mistakes” here and there. I think the reason he’s turning it around on me is because I finally put my foot down and it’s over something “small”. I admit, the inconsistency with how I’ve reacted would be confusing, but I just am at the end of my rope.

There’s a good chance the mistakes aren’t little, but that he’s still hiding things from you.

Anonymous wrote:"he’s shaking uncontrollably,"

This is a sign of long term alcohol use. The alcoholic will ramp up to drinking more to stop the shaking.

I saw this a lot with my Dad.

+1 The shaking, vomiting, etc. was not from anxiety; he was in alcohol withdrawal.

You are “dancing as fast as you can” while trying to keep this house of cards from collapsing while he resists at every turn. You are carrying the entire burden of his sobriety. It will not work if you care more than he does.

At this point he expects to be able to continue on as he has been, because you set the boundary but haven’t followed through; you’re in a similar place to where you were at the start of this thread and he’s not acknowledging that he has a problem with alcohol. I don’t fault you for that - it’s incredibly hard. I think you may have to actually separate. There may be a bit of co-dependency going on here and it’s important that you focus on what you can control, and that’s healing your own pain and taking care of yourself.

And yes, he is an alcoholic. He has had very serious health issues from his drinking and could lose his marriage, and yet he still is unwilling to stop.

Anonymous wrote:My cousin who is 52 had a seizure after doing a long run on a hot day and becoming dehydrated. He is also a big fan of whiskey.

His hospital found nothing, zero - but said this happens with men who over-exert themselves / dehydrate and are drinkers.

I guess the only thing you can control is the liquids. Drink water, cut out the booze.

This also happened to my brother in law. It was very scary but everything above applied to him. Though he's a bit older - 54.

The signs and symptoms of alcohol withdrawal syndrome may appear anywhere from 6 hours to a few days after your last drink. These usually include at least two of the following:

tremors
anxiety
nausea
vomiting
headache
an increased heart rate
sweating
irritability
confusion
insomnia
nightmares
high blood pressure

The most severe type of withdrawal syndrome is known as delirium tremens (DT). Its signs and symptoms include:

extreme confusion
extreme agitation
a fever
seizures
tactile hallucinations, such as having a sense of itching, burning, or numbness that isn’t actually occurring
auditory hallucinations, or hearing sounds that don’t exist
visual hallucinations, or seeing images that don’t exist
excessive sweating
increased heart rate
high blood pressure
fast respirations

Alcohol misuse is so common that we often don't recognize it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm really sorry you are going through this. I don't have personal experience but I noticed in one of your first posts that you said you don't have kids with him "yet*. Please think about whether he is someone you want to have kids with. The sleeplessness, stress, and other challenges that go in hand with having kids...when the alcoholism is not under complete and utter control. You deserve better.

Not to mention watching your children become addicts themselves.

OP, I have been so impressed with the emotional intelligence shown in all your posts, but you should not be blaming yourself for "setting him up" and whatnot. You could be "perfect" in your approach -- whatever that means, and an impossible standard for a mere mortal -- and he would still be an alcoholic scheming to skirt the rules.

I'm currently dealing with a similar frustration of setting boundaries, DH breaking them, me forgiving him and lowering my expectations (at the expense of my pride), and then DH breaking those too. And yet I still have hope of him having a eureka moment and turning it all around. I know it's untenable, and yet I'm not emotionally ready to lose him. So I empathize and ache for you. But you won't find any school of thought that says alcoholics can drink in moderation just fine.

+1.

OP, do consider yourself and what you want out of life. Until your DH admits to having a problem and proactively pursuing rehab, complete sober living, etc. things are not likely to change. You can have all the love and empathy in the world for him, but he has to be the one to accept reality and figure this out. Yes, he was dealt a bad hand, but it is not your problem to solve. In fact, you alone cannot solve it, it HAS to come from him, and then you can support his sober efforts. However, it sounds like he is still in major denial. Alcoholics are selfish and can wreck havoc on your well being. Not intentionally, mind you, but they will, particularly if they're in denial about it. You have to figure out what you can live with, what you want for yourself. Don't give up what you want out of life or in a marriage/partner in the hopes that he gets it together. I suspect a therapist would tell you something similar.

Good luck, OP.

OP,

This book is excellent:

Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change.

It is intended for families.

https://www.amazon.com/Beyond-Addiction-Science-Kindness-People/dp/1476709483/ref=asc_df_1476709483/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=312142103956&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=2054135016497239073&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9007795&hvtargid=pla-487648484327&psc=1

Anonymous wrote:I'm really sorry you are going through this. I don't have personal experience but I noticed in one of your first posts that you said you don't have kids with him "yet*. Please think about whether he is someone you want to have kids with. The sleeplessness, stress, and other challenges that go in hand with having kids...when the alcoholism is not under complete and utter control. You deserve better.

Not to mention watching your children become addicts themselves.

OP, I have been so impressed with the emotional intelligence shown in all your posts, but you should not be blaming yourself for "setting him up" and whatnot. You could be "perfect" in your approach -- whatever that means, and an impossible standard for a mere mortal -- and he would still be an alcoholic scheming to skirt the rules.

I'm currently dealing with a similar frustration of setting boundaries, DH breaking them, me forgiving him and lowering my expectations (at the expense of my pride), and then DH breaking those too. And yet I still have hope of him having a eureka moment and turning it all around. I know it's untenable, and yet I'm not emotionally ready to lose him. So I empathize and ache for you. But you won't find any school of thought that says alcoholics can drink in moderation just fine.

I'm really sorry you are going through this. I don't have personal experience but I noticed in one of your first posts that you said you don't have kids with him "yet*. Please think about whether he is someone you want to have kids with. The sleeplessness, stress, and other challenges that go in hand with having kids...when the alcoholism is not under complete and utter control. You deserve better.

OP here. Thank you for the kind words. I wish I had just put my foot down from the beginning, it seems more muddled / gray area now. He *has* been much better, more aware, more honest, etc - but he’s still having little “mistakes” here and there. I think the reason he’s turning it around on me is because I finally put my foot down and it’s over something “small”. I admit, the inconsistency with how I’ve reacted would be confusing, but I just am at the end of my rope.

I’m so sorry that this continues to occur. It is not unusual for addicts to blame you for the failure in the relationship or for their poor behavior. This is not about you. You being honest with him and setting solid boundaries is exactly what he needs. You are doing the right thing. Please continue to support yourself and get help.

I'm so sorry. He isn't in a place where he recognizes that he's allowing alcohol to control his life and ruin his health and relationships. I would encourage you to go back to Al-Anon and get counseling for yourself, and take some time to decide what boundaries you want to set and what you can live with. It's completely reasonable to divorce an alcoholic who is not in recovery and doesn't acknowledge the problem. You can't control him or his drinking, and he isn't going to be able to be "normal" with alcohol with these "rules" he's created.

OP, when I read your first post, I immediately thought of a friend whose DH was having unexplained seizures. Turns out he was hiding an opioid addiction. I was sad, but not surprised, the see that your DH is suffering with addiction as well. I'm so sorry.

As PP said, al anon or some other education/therapy about loving someone with addiction is a must.

FWIW, my friend wound up divorced from her addicted DH. She is happily remarried now with kids.

Alcohol use also causes depression and anxiety.

OP, I'm so sorry you are going through this.