Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a traumatic first birth and ended up with PTSD. I reached out for help on these boards right away because I knew something wasn’t right and was slammed, shamed, and made to feel like a selfish prima Donna. It made me feel crazy and horrible. It took me a full year to get help and by then I was suicidal. I was diagnosed with PTSD immediately by the psychiatrist. People here have no idea how much they can hurt someone through the cloak of the internet.

That’s why you talk to friends, family or a therapist. Not strangers on the internet.

Wow, aren’t you unkind. I’m the PP and I reached out because I needed help and my husband was worthless (totally traumatized by the birth and trying to move on) and my family didn’t understand what I had gone through and thought we should just be grateful for a happy baby. They could not relate. And I had never heart of postpartum PTSD and needed help understanding that I didn’t have PPD and help understanding that I had undergone trauma and needed a therapist with that expertise. People reach out for help when then are able to and how they are able to. Don’t assume everyone has a built in support network or defend indefensible behavior.

Anonymous wrote:The friend sounds pretty self centered. The baby is healthy and instead of being happy. She is pissed it didn’t happen the exact same way she wanted.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of the million things for people to be upset about during/after pregnancy and childbirth, this wouldn’t register on the top 1000. It’s called perspective. She must live a charmed life, and just got knocked down a few pegs. Worse things in life are coming than delivering a healthy baby by c-section.

Nope nope nope. I had no expectation about how labor would go and still ended up with postpartum ptsd following a similar experience of a 48 hour failed induction and emergency csection, plus a difficult recovery. Just because your birth experience wasn’t traumatic doesn’t mean nobody else’s can be. My child was also an IVF baby after years of infertility and even the joy and relief of having a healthy child after all of that doesn’t negate my own trauma from the birth. This line of thinking ~ just get over it and be grateful ~ is why so many women don’t acknowledge and process their experiences and end up suffering way longer from ppd, ppa, and other perinatal mood disorders without seeking help.

OP, lots of actually helpful advice above. Validate her experience, gently encourage her to seek professional help or a community of others in similar situations (even in my new moms group, 2 of the other 9 women had complicated birth experiences, so she probably won’t have to look far), etc.

nope, didn’t say anything about postpartum. Get help if you need it. My point is that if you’re developing postpartum solely because of something as unserious as this, you probably needed to be in therapy long ago.

Literally only women, specifically mothers, are told to brush off major surgery. The worst sexism comes from other women.

Anonymous wrote:Agree with the helpful posters about listening, validating, etc.

Also agree that the posters being like "she has a healthy baby what's her problem?" are absolutely the worst jerks and probably have no real friends. Jesus, is this how you reacted in your 20s when your friends had tough breakups? When they got laid off? When they were arguing with their parents? "Well, you're alive and healthy so shut up?" Sheesh. Sometimes things are hard for people emotionally. Are you a pod person that you don't understand that?? Or some kind of robot? Ugh.

One thing I will add that I haven't seen mentioned - being a FTM is such a time of uncertainty, and especially given what you said about her wanting to do things "right" - I can be similar and I think one thing that can really help is to compliment her mothering. My mom (not always the most emotionally supportive person) did this a lot when I had my first, years ago, and I still remember it. Everyone comes over and coos over the baby "He's so cute!" "What a beautiful baby!" etc, but to repeatedly hear "Oh, you're such a wonderful mom" was really, really nice, especially when it was in response to things that were happening (even mundane things!).

Me: Oh, I hear the baby, let me go get him.
Mom: Oh, you're such a wonderful mom.

Me: Larlo got up every hour last night, I'm so tired.
Mom: You're such a great mom.

Me: Look, I reorganized the nursery so pajamas are in the top drawer now.
Mom: Larlo is so lucky, you're such a wonderful mom.

Sounds silly saying it now, but EVERYONE including new moms themselves take this all for granted, and to hear that my efforts were valuable was just really, really validating.

Anonymous wrote:Agree with the helpful posters about listening, validating, etc.

Also agree that the posters being like "she has a healthy baby what's her problem?" are absolutely the worst jerks and probably have no real friends. Jesus, is this how you reacted in your 20s when your friends had tough breakups? When they got laid off? When they were arguing with their parents? "Well, you're alive and healthy so shut up?" Sheesh. Sometimes things are hard for people emotionally. Are you a pod person that you don't understand that?? Or some kind of robot? Ugh.

One thing I will add that I haven't seen mentioned - being a FTM is such a time of uncertainty, and especially given what you said about her wanting to do things "right" - I can be similar and I think one thing that can really help is to compliment her mothering. My mom (not always the most emotionally supportive person) did this a lot when I had my first, years ago, and I still remember it. Everyone comes over and coos over the baby "He's so cute!" "What a beautiful baby!" etc, but to repeatedly hear "Oh, you're such a wonderful mom" was really, really nice, especially when it was in response to things that were happening (even mundane things!).

Me: Oh, I hear the baby, let me go get him.
Mom: Oh, you're such a wonderful mom.

Me: Larlo got up every hour last night, I'm so tired.
Mom: You're such a great mom.

Me: Look, I reorganized the nursery so pajamas are in the top drawer now.
Mom: Larlo is so lucky, you're such a wonderful mom.

Sounds silly saying it now, but EVERYONE including new moms themselves take this all for granted, and to hear that my efforts were valuable was just really, really validating.

Anonymous wrote:Listen, validate her feelings, offer encouragement and support. But mostly listen. Encourage her to speak with her doctor and get a referral for some postpartum mental health help. Stay on top of her husband to make sure he is supporting her the ways she needs it.

For a lot of us, disappointment over how a birth went seems so foreign. You are pregnant, you delivered a healthy baby, why are you mourning the experience when the end result is perfect? But for people with anxiety, depression, or who might be prone to postpartum mental health struggles, it’s their own personal tragedy. A lot of new moms and that position just need to vent or cry or complain or mourn. You just listening and asking if she wants advice will be a big help, I am sure. You are a good friend to want to approach her situation with care but not to take a backseat if you think she is not getting the help she needs.

Anonymous wrote:This is pretty poor coping skills. People expect every thing in life to be perfect. It's not, move on. I wouldn't indulge my friend in this craziness.

She has a healthy baby not a still birth.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a traumatic first birth and ended up with PTSD. I reached out for help on these boards right away because I knew something wasn’t right and was slammed, shamed, and made to feel like a selfish prima Donna. It made me feel crazy and horrible. It took me a full year to get help and by then I was suicidal. I was diagnosed with PTSD immediately by the psychiatrist. People here have no idea how much they can hurt someone through the cloak of the internet.

That’s why you talk to friends, family or a therapist. Not strangers on the internet.

Anonymous wrote:One of the greatest lessons of parenthood is that we cannot control everything.

Anonymous wrote:Listen, validate her feelings, offer encouragement and support. But mostly listen. Encourage her to speak with her doctor and get a referral for some postpartum mental health help. Stay on top of her husband to make sure he is supporting her the ways she needs it.

For a lot of us, disappointment over how a birth went seems so foreign. You are pregnant, you delivered a healthy baby, why are you mourning the experience when the end result is perfect? But for people with anxiety, depression, or who might be prone to postpartum mental health struggles, it’s their own personal tragedy. A lot of new moms and that position just need to vent or cry or complain or mourn. You just listening and asking if she wants advice will be a big help, I am sure. You are a good friend to want to approach her situation with care but not to take a backseat if you think she is not getting the help she needs.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a traumatic first birth and ended up with PTSD. I reached out for help on these boards right away because I knew something wasn’t right and was slammed, shamed, and made to feel like a selfish prima Donna. It made me feel crazy and horrible. It took me a full year to get help and by then I was suicidal. I was diagnosed with PTSD immediately by the psychiatrist. People here have no idea how much they can hurt someone through the cloak of the internet.

That’s why you talk to friends, family or a therapist. Not strangers on the internet.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here- thanks, all. My instinct is always to try to share my experience and give advice based on what worked for me, but this was a good reminder to listen first.

Yes, please fight that instinct tooth and nail. When you do, you’re making it all about you. It’s not helpful at all. If she asks you what to do, then sure, offer it. But you can’t offer it if she’s not asking. She will know you care because of the way you listen to her, the way you paraphrase her and the way you sit in the discomfort of it all with her.

Omg so true.

I had a traumatic first birthday-severe pre-e at 35 weeks, induction, foley bulb, magnesium drip, two failed epidurals, 72 hours of labor and then a forceps delivery without any pain meds after pushing for 6 hours. Then baby was in NICU for a week, and breastfeeding never worked out.

What I wanted more than anything at the time was for someone to just really listen to the whole story and process it with me and ask questions. Like I wanted someone to sit down with me and give me their undivided attention for a full hour and just draw me out and let me talk about it, beaming back comments like “that doctor sucked!” Or “OMG!! What?!”

And nobody could do that for me for some reason. I tried to do it with my DH, but it was all traumatic for him and he couldn’t go there with me. I tried to do it with a friend and she kept interrupting to talk about how different her births were from mine. I tried to talk about it with my therapist and even she was kind of rushing to the conclusion/lesson part of it all. This was in the days after the birth. I never got to tell my story and that’s what I most needed. I feel like if I had gotten that, I could have moved on so much faster. But all my friends kept making it about their story and their experiences and making comparisons and it all left me feeling so dismissed and judged.