Ex-wife was very sneaky. Would do things and openly lie about it and Blame me that she don't want to tell me to avoid confrontation. I had trust issues with her and never got over it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He told me he'd punched a wall. But ... nothing in marriage like that.

Women will never understand what it’s like to have testosterone running through their bodies anymore than we can understand what it’s like to have a period. Punching an inanimate object if no one is around is an acceptable occasional outlet for anger. No shame in it anymore than a woman eating a pint of ice cream after a breakup.

LOL so much testosterone that you’re hanging out on a site for middle aged moms?

Too much drinking, obnoxious while drunk, sexist jokes that I laughed off because I didn't want to rock the boat.

Out of his control: abusive childhood, alcoholic parents, domestic violence between parents

Occasional bizarre controlling behavior. For example, the first time I saw it: it had snowed about 5", and I didn't own any snow boots. I had some flats and some Converse, and a pair of New Balance (or something) sneakers. I figured the sneakers would have the best traction and be warmest. Everywhere was shoveled anyway.

When I came over from work, he was incredulous that I wasn't wearing boots. I kind of laughed it off (because why would he really care?) He said what if my car broke down and I had to walk? In that extremely unlikely scenario, I would... just walk, and maybe my feet would get cold and wet. Big deal. I wasn't heading out into the wilderness. He railed on and on and wouldn't stop. He was right, I was wrong. It was

He apologized the next day. I brushed it off as though maybe there was something I just wasn't understanding about the point he was trying to make.

But over the years, we've had several similar arguments where he vehemently opposes some insignificant thing I do, and he pushes and badgers me irrationally and I really feel like he's going crazy.

I always remember that snow boot argument, and wonder how I so easily brushed it off at the time.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I’m looking for stories from people who are happily married in spite of red flags. Thanks!

He frequently lost things of importance: umbrellas, backpacks, wallets, books, keys, etc. 30 years later, I have to remind him several times about important tasks, etc. He's got inattentive add, I suppose. He is a loving dh and father, but he still loses things: 2 wedding rings, our mortgage payment he was supposed to mail, 7 winter coats, countless gloves, etc.

I feel like we really ought to define what counts as a red flag. This post, and a few others, are listing things that really don't seem to rise to that level

To be fair, he lost a mortgage payment. His losing things and forgetting things has cost us thousands of dollars over the years.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I’m looking for stories from people who are happily married in spite of red flags. Thanks!

He frequently lost things of importance: umbrellas, backpacks, wallets, books, keys, etc. 30 years later, I have to remind him several times about important tasks, etc. He's got inattentive add, I suppose. He is a loving dh and father, but he still loses things: 2 wedding rings, our mortgage payment he was supposed to mail, 7 winter coats, countless gloves, etc.

Jeez!! How!?

This is over a period of 30 years. He takes it off somewhere and then leaves without it. We've never found any of them. I won't let him spend more than $50 on coats.

Anonymous wrote:He was wearing this ring with a black octopus or squid on it. Would greet random people with hail hydra.

Geez. Hope he was a nice guy at least because that is some strange sh1t.

Anonymous wrote:He told me he'd punched a wall. But ... nothing in marriage like that.

Women will never understand what it’s like to have testosterone running through their bodies anymore than we can understand what it’s like to have a period. Punching an inanimate object if no one is around is an acceptable occasional outlet for anger. No shame in it anymore than a woman eating a pint of ice cream after a breakup.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I’m looking for stories from people who are happily married in spite of red flags. Thanks!

He frequently lost things of importance: umbrellas, backpacks, wallets, books, keys, etc. 30 years later, I have to remind him several times about important tasks, etc. He's got inattentive add, I suppose. He is a loving dh and father, but he still loses things: 2 wedding rings, our mortgage payment he was supposed to mail, 7 winter coats, countless gloves, etc.

I feel like we really ought to define what counts as a red flag. This post, and a few others, are listing things that really don't seem to rise to that level

Frugality. We were legimately poor grad students, so I thought he was just being sensible, and once we had more money he would lighten up. He did some, but not nearly enough in my opinion. But I truly love him, and it comes from a place of wanting "security" for the family.

He was wearing this ring with a black octopus or squid on it. Would greet random people with hail hydra.

Anonymous wrote:Executive function issues here, too. Definite inattentive ADHD. We met in college and he's extremely bright so I just assumed not putting in the work was because he didn't have to, not because he couldn't/wouldn't. I love him but if I want anything done out of the routine I have to do it myself.

Executive functioning deficits and ADHD for me as well. While we were dating, I thought it was interesting and exciting that he had so many hobbies and that he would just jump into doing different projects. That should have been a red flag. I can't tell you how many half-finished major house projects were begun and then just left until I finally hired a professional to complete them or the amount of money and time he spent launching himself into a new activity.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Executive function issues. Extremely disorganized. Messy. Average/low energy/introversion.

This is me. I am unmarriageable.

Agreed. As another person who just divorced someone like this. Get some confidence. Work on your healthy to bring up your energy, work on communication and fix your executive function if you want to be marriageable.

+1 it’s really bad once there are kids and one of the two parents has the above. Total derailment.

Avoided tough conversations.
Weaseled out of making decisions or waited so long no options remained
Would walk off if a disagreement

He told me he'd punched a wall. But ... nothing in marriage like that.