Anonymous
Post 01/11/2022 22:38     Subject: Re:MIL will not accept adopted child
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP that is sad - sorry for you. We have bio and adopted children and both grandparents accepted both - although they probably know I would have cut them off if they did not.

I would set boundaries early on and have DH inform them:
1. You and DH both expect any adopted and biological children to be treated equally because they are equal under the law and in our eyes as parents;
2. Educate them that real parents are the ones who feed, clothes, shelter, protect and educate their children;
3. It will make you very sad if they cannot accept your adopted children and you will need to reduce contact in order to protect your children if they cannot accept them as your children.

We are blessed that my MIL adores our DC and is understanding about issues common to adoption (fear of abandonment, feelings of loss that need to be realistically managed, and sensitivity to not looking similar to other family members). It will be really important to do whatever you can to bond with your adopted children and let them know that they are accepted and loved just as they are. If ILs cannot appreciate how important this is, you need to do what you need to do to protect your children.

If ILs are willing to try and connect with adopted children, Give them a chance though - they may come around .

Good luck OP


dp I think this seems harsh. You would automatically cut someone off instead of educating them? It seems like your love is conditional and doesn't take in any consideration for growth and change.


Not the PP you are replying to, but no.

My child is not an experiment/guinea pig for growth and change. When my child comes you better love them or I cut you off.
I am a very laid back person, but I don't joke with my children. If you don't love them or need time to love them, you are out. Do you know how much damage can be done to a child while the adult is growing and changing? let the adult go figure it out and convince me that they have grown and changed before I would let them interact with my child.

Anyway, all this is irrelevant to OP's question because she should not have asked the question to her MIL in the first place. MIL has no business being part of this decision. MIL's job starts when the decision has already been made. OP cannot hold this against MIL; MIL gets to show her colors when the child is adopted. All this nonsense talk is silly.
Anonymous
Post 01/11/2022 21:41     Subject: MIL will not accept adopted child
You do what works for you and you immediate family. If you pursue it, tell her that you are glad for her honesty upfront but regret that your decision to move ahead with welcoming a new child will negatively affect her relationship with your family.

And then drop her.
Anonymous
Post 01/11/2022 21:35     Subject: MIL will not accept adopted child
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My MIL openly said she doesn’t want adopted grandchild. What would you do?


Do you HAVE an adopted child?

No.
Anonymous
Post 01/11/2022 21:33     Subject: MIL will not accept adopted child
Anonymous wrote:My MIL openly said she doesn’t want adopted grandchild. What would you do?


Adopt and drop the MIL
Anonymous
Post 01/11/2022 21:19     Subject: Re:MIL will not accept adopted child
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP that is sad - sorry for you. We have bio and adopted children and both grandparents accepted both - although they probably know I would have cut them off if they did not.

I would set boundaries early on and have DH inform them:
1. You and DH both expect any adopted and biological children to be treated equally because they are equal under the law and in our eyes as parents;
2. Educate them that real parents are the ones who feed, clothes, shelter, protect and educate their children;
3. It will make you very sad if they cannot accept your adopted children and you will need to reduce contact in order to protect your children if they cannot accept them as your children.

We are blessed that my MIL adores our DC and is understanding about issues common to adoption (fear of abandonment, feelings of loss that need to be realistically managed, and sensitivity to not looking similar to other family members). It will be really important to do whatever you can to bond with your adopted children and let them know that they are accepted and loved just as they are. If ILs cannot appreciate how important this is, you need to do what you need to do to protect your children.

If ILs are willing to try and connect with adopted children, Give them a chance though - they may come around .

Good luck OP


How about biological kids? You know sometimes grandparents treat biologicals kids differently too. We all knew who both my grandmother's favorites were but, we didn't cut them off. ( and they weren't us)

dp I think this seems harsh. You would automatically cut someone off instead of educating them? It seems like your love is conditional and doesn't take in any consideration for growth and change.



I would have definitely tried to educate them before cutting them off. Fortunately, I did not need to as they were both very welcoming to our adopted child. But if they had treated our adopted child with less love, attention and acceptance than our biological child, I would not have exposed our dc to that.


Anonymous
Post 01/11/2022 21:15     Subject: MIL will not accept adopted child
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My MIL openly said she doesn’t want adopted grandchild. What would you do?

Cut her off.

+1

Except that when people are put into a real life situation, they don't always follow through as they said they would. The MIL could change her tune when the child arrives.
Anonymous
Post 01/11/2022 21:12     Subject: MIL will not accept adopted child
Anonymous wrote:My MIL openly said she doesn’t want adopted grandchild. What would you do?


Do you HAVE an adopted child?
Anonymous
Post 01/11/2022 21:11     Subject: MIL will not accept adopted child
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:So you have adopted a child? If not, what's the point of your question?
If you have adopted or are in a process of adoption, it is her loss, she is a terrible human being. Imagine saying she will not accept a child? How ugly she is inside and out.


Not yet, but we are thinking about it and asked our family members what they think( hoping for support).


Um, you asked the question. It's on you for being so foolish. Don't ask what you aren't prepared to hear
Anonymous
Post 01/11/2022 21:06     Subject: MIL will not accept adopted child
Anonymous wrote:DH’s step dad (married his mom later in life and has adult kids of his own) swore he had no interest in meeting his son’s “bastard” because son and girlfriend refused to get married. Yep, in this century. Anyway, fast forward and the kid is 8. Guess what? Grandpa loves him.


My best friend from high school married her wife and had a child. Her right-wing "Christian" parents refused to have anything to do with the child and wouldn't even meet him for five years. Something changed and they relented and then accepted this sweet boy as their grandchild. I can't stand them but do give them grudging props for reframing their idiotic views.

OP is way dramatic and seeking support for a child that doesn't even exist. She should just move forward with an adoption, if in fact that something she and her DH want to do, as opposed to just theoretical flitting about.
Anonymous
Post 01/11/2022 19:35     Subject: MIL will not accept adopted child
DH’s step dad (married his mom later in life and has adult kids of his own) swore he had no interest in meeting his son’s “bastard” because son and girlfriend refused to get married. Yep, in this century. Anyway, fast forward and the kid is 8. Guess what? Grandpa loves him.
Anonymous
Post 01/11/2022 18:39     Subject: MIL will not accept adopted child
Why would you ask this? It's really not their business and it seems to be seeking drama.

The majority of people do not dream of building their family through adoption. It's unfortunate because so many kids need homes. But most don't and that doesn't make them bad people. It also doesn't make your MIL a bad person for not thinking she could love a non io kid many people feel the same. This is especially true when no such child exists.

Cutting her off at this point would be idiotic. I know many people who felt as your mil but upon meeting an actual child became the most doting and loving grandma.

Stop the drama. Good luck with becoming a mom!
Anonymous
Post 01/11/2022 18:16     Subject: Re:MIL will not accept adopted child
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP that is sad - sorry for you. We have bio and adopted children and both grandparents accepted both - although they probably know I would have cut them off if they did not.

I would set boundaries early on and have DH inform them:
1. You and DH both expect any adopted and biological children to be treated equally because they are equal under the law and in our eyes as parents;
2. Educate them that real parents are the ones who feed, clothes, shelter, protect and educate their children;
3. It will make you very sad if they cannot accept your adopted children and you will need to reduce contact in order to protect your children if they cannot accept them as your children.

We are blessed that my MIL adores our DC and is understanding about issues common to adoption (fear of abandonment, feelings of loss that need to be realistically managed, and sensitivity to not looking similar to other family members). It will be really important to do whatever you can to bond with your adopted children and let them know that they are accepted and loved just as they are. If ILs cannot appreciate how important this is, you need to do what you need to do to protect your children.

If ILs are willing to try and connect with adopted children, Give them a chance though - they may come around .

Good luck OP


dp I think this seems harsh. You would automatically cut someone off instead of educating them? It seems like your love is conditional and doesn't take in any consideration for growth and change.



I would have definitely tried to educate them before cutting them off. Fortunately, I did not need to as they were both very welcoming to our adopted child. But if they had treated our adopted child with less love, attention and acceptance than our biological child, I would not have exposed our dc to that.


Anonymous
Post 01/11/2022 17:34     Subject: MIL will not accept adopted child
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My MIL openly said she doesn’t want adopted grandchild. What would you do?


Cut her off.


+1
Anonymous
Post 01/11/2022 17:33     Subject: MIL will not accept adopted child
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Why on earth would you ask your parents/in-laws for their opinion. This is going to be YOUR CHILD, not theirs.

And everyone loves a baby. If your MIL won't accept an adopted child, then she doesn't deserve to see her son and grandchildren ever gain. Buh-bye Granny.


But…this hypothetical child might not actually be a baby.


So? It's not MIL's child, and if they are weird towards your child, you cut them off.


If...... then you cut off. Not based on the answer to a hypothetical question to a child they are only "thinking" of adopting. If OP isn't mature enough to navigate the question and answer I'm not sure she's mature enough to be a parent anyway. So probably all a moot point.
Anonymous
Post 01/11/2022 16:50     Subject: MIL will not accept adopted child
Anonymous wrote:My sister asked the same question of her ils and our parents. He MIL, like yours, said the same thing. Yes, she is evil too.
My parents said, absolutely, the child is a child, we will love him and you don't need to ask.
My sister and BIL decided against it. By the time they were looking into it, my eggs were too old to donate.... so now they do not have joy of a child in their lives.
They have the joy of criticizing ME, for how I raise my kids. (LOL, a joke, but they sure do that...I would never let my child interrupt me when I speak... says BIL)


BIL Is right. Teach your children basic manners.