I think one of the challenges with the mental load is that it can be really hard to share it because so much is entwined. I gave this a lot of thought when DH and I had kids. He has ADHD and so I know juggling the mental stuff is not his strength while I generally like doing things like shopping for their clothes, planning parties, researching camp and travel options. So, for the most part, I don't mind the mental load (and yes I work FT). But what has helped a lot is to make certain domains 100% his. And I think a lot of wives would be fine with that, but it falls apart when the DH won't do the basics in what they agreed to. DH, however, has been good at sticking with keeping up on his domains, to at least basic health and safety standards even if it's not what I'd do. I definitely had to restrain myself at points on giving advise but it gets easier over time. Starting with babies, I never gave a child a bath. Baths were his job 100%. He handles all grocery shopping, I just add things to the running list as I need them. We have a dog and dog care is all him -- figuring out training for the puppy, handling all vet visits, booking boarding. Teaching the kids to drive also all him. He was the only one who kept track of boy scout stuff. I still have the bigger mental load but I'm fine with the split and the fact that he does take responsibility for the things we've decided are his.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not new, and it's not exclusive to DCUM. Who in your household keeps track of birthdays, doctors appointments, clothing sizes, early dismissals, permission slips, camp signups, holiday cards, and meal planning? Does that person also have a paid job?

I do all of this and have a paid job. It's not hard. Why do women seem to struggle with it?

-- Single Dad.

If this isn’t hard for you, you are either superdad or crummy at your job and at parenting.

Do you always think in such binary terms?

I'm no "superdad" but I am a good, if imperfect one.

I'm a top performer at work in a senior executive role.

My kids are older teens now and I've taught them to take on more responsibility for themselves. They make their own doctors and dental appointments now, for example and even go alone unless I am required to be there because they are minors. They know the birthdays of their family members. They also know when bills are due (contribute to their phone and car insurance expenses) and each kid prepares one family meal per week (DD1 has Tuesdays and DD2 does Thursdays).

I guided DD1 on college applications, but served more as a consultant and adviser -- she did it all herself.

DD2 initiated her driving behind the wheel tests.

If they need permission slips or early dismissals, they talk to me and we get it done.

Again, some of this is tedious, but it's not really HARD, let alone mentally taxing.

Were you a single dad when your kids were little? Does thier mother have the kids part time, or are you exclusively single parenting 100 percen of the time? Do you do teacher gifts, Christmas photos, new snowboots, bathing suits, hats and gloves for each kid? The mental load for older teens is much lighter, and obviously if you only have the kids 50/50, it's much lighter as well. In my experience, married men don't need to step up and do those things because of their learned helplessness.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not new, and it's not exclusive to DCUM. Who in your household keeps track of birthdays, doctors appointments, clothing sizes, early dismissals, permission slips, camp signups, holiday cards, and meal planning? Does that person also have a paid job?

I do all of this and have a paid job. It's not hard. Why do women seem to struggle with it?

-- Single Dad.

If this isn’t hard for you, you are either superdad or crummy at your job and at parenting.

Do you always think in such binary terms?

I'm no "superdad" but I am a good, if imperfect one.

I'm a top performer at work in a senior executive role.

My kids are older teens now and I've taught them to take on more responsibility for themselves. They make their own doctors and dental appointments now, for example and even go alone unless I am required to be there because they are minors. They know the birthdays of their family members. They also know when bills are due (contribute to their phone and car insurance expenses) and each kid prepares one family meal per week (DD1 has Tuesdays and DD2 does Thursdays).

I guided DD1 on college applications, but served more as a consultant and adviser -- she did it all herself.

DD2 initiated her driving behind the wheel tests.

If they need permission slips or early dismissals, they talk to me and we get it done.

Again, some of this is tedious, but it's not really HARD, let alone mentally taxing.

Omg. I just CANNOT believe this is the response.

Basically you don’t do anything because your kids are old!

And you said you did those things and it wasn’t hard. But you don’t. So, you’re a liar.

There is still a gigantic disparity in the gender death gap.

Women can cry about mental loads all they want. Men clearly deal more internally with stress and don't cry about it. That's why they die earlier and die more often from almost every disease out there.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not new, and it's not exclusive to DCUM. Who in your household keeps track of birthdays, doctors appointments, clothing sizes, early dismissals, permission slips, camp signups, holiday cards, and meal planning? Does that person also have a paid job?

I do all of this and have a paid job. It's not hard. Why do women seem to struggle with it?

-- Single Dad.

If this isn’t hard for you, you are either superdad or crummy at your job and at parenting.

That’s not right or fair. Sometimes people things “extra hard” - this dad probably doesn’t. Maybe ask him for advice instead of insulting him?

Typo! I meant “people make things”…

I suggested he could be super dad! I didn’t insult him.

But I’ll bite. What’s your meal plan method (I’m assuming you have at least one picky eater; if not, give me suggestions for the too). How do you keep track of addresses for your Christmas cards? Do you do a professional shoot for your Christmas card photos or just take the photos yourself? How do you coordinate Christmas card clothing? How do you keep track of birthdays for extended families? How do you decide what to get them? Do you go through the school calendar at the beginning of the year and sync that to your calendar, or do you do it monthly? Do you keep materials on hand for last minute school projects or do you make a last-minute target run? How did you choose your kids’ dentist? Their pediatrician? How would you choose a therapist for them? Woukd you put them on a king waiting list for one that takes your insurance or pay out of pocket? How did you choose which extracurriculars your kid does? Do you expose them to lots or just sign them up for what they ask for? When do you go through and make sure your kids have the clothing size they need? Do you just deal with that as it comes up or do it regularly every season? What potty training method did you use, or did you let daycare take care of that? What do you do for childcare and how did you settle on that? How do you deal with behavioral issues and do you scan your kids for symptoms mental issues like ADHD? What do you look for? What is your plan for elder care when the time comes? What is your screen time policy and how did you settle on that? Do your kids get regular exercise and time outside?

If im complicating any of this, by all means, let me know.

Working mom of 3 here. Together, we earn about $125 K, so we do the stuff ourselves.

I embrace low standards for housework and cooking. My meals aren’t the best, but they’re not terrible. Maybe DCUM terrible, but ok for average American diet. There are always fruits and vegetables. My house isn’t deep cleaned often enough, but stuff is tossed or put away and it’s sort of clean.

Holiday Cards and presents for his family? Not my problem. He does the cards but not the presents. I just don’t do it. No tension there though, we usually just Venmo a merry Christmas. If I can get away with it, I opt out. Same goes with PTA stuff.

My pediatrician has a portal that tracks all the appointments on the phone. That’s not too bad. He does take them to doctors visits and the dentist. I just schedule the kids when I go.

Doing less is one response to the demands of the Second Shoft. As I’ve said on many threads, it’s worth a read.

I work in an elementary school and often kids are sent to school without coats in the winter. Every single time, it's when the dad drops them off. Every. Time. If you say something to the father, their reply is along the lines of "oh, she forgot to grab it this morning! Oops!" Which may be acceptable for a 5th grader, but for a kindergartener or first grader, who can't be responsible for remembering every single thing they bring to school, it's not okay. The parent needs to verify that the kid has everything. And the next day, guess what, dad forgets the coat again.

But, talking with the dads got nowhere, so now we have to say something to the moms as well if we want the kids to be warm. So now, while dad is technically doing the drop off, mom has to take on the mental load of letting dad know he forgot the coat and making sure he brings it at all future drop offs. Now mom has to pack all school things up the night before, double check that dad got everything, remind her child to grab their coat, etc. And when that's happening for multiple little things, it all starts to add up.

And, even worse, dads will have excuses like "I don't know where her coat is" or for the divorced ones, "she doesn't have a coat at my place". So it's clear they think knowing where basic necessities are isn't important since mom can do it, and that mom should be responsible for getting necessities for dad's house, too.

Anonymous wrote:90 percent of women on my block are SAHMs. My neighbor for instance has one kid at home, an executive husband and she does clean her own house and manage house and makes dinner for three every night. Except weekends.

Her husband works in an office and eats breakfast and lunch there.

So an extra chicken cutlet at dinner time and sex on his birthday is what he gets for sharing his 600k a year salary with her.

She can deal with mental load

This sounds like me and my husband although he gets much more than a “chicken cutlet” …life long companionship, romantic partner, problem solver, someone who can take care of home while he focuses on work. It’s a good deal for both parties and, while it’s a passé idea, it works very well and leads to a relaxing home life. I know, I know divorce…but everyone I know who is divorcing is stressed-out married couples. Being a SAHM isn’t for everyone but it has its benefits.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s weakness, OP. And a desperate need to be the martyr.

This is why I cringe when I see women trying to figure out how they can land a “good quality” guy. The vast majority of men think like this. I’m so glad my husband isn’t one of them but it’s not like I could be sure when I got married. It’s a crap shoot and women are just going to loose. I’m so glad my daughter is a lesbian.

Ha! I think my daughter is too, and I am so okay with it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not new, and it's not exclusive to DCUM. Who in your household keeps track of birthdays, doctors appointments, clothing sizes, early dismissals, permission slips, camp signups, holiday cards, and meal planning? Does that person also have a paid job?

I do all of this and have a paid job. It's not hard. Why do women seem to struggle with it?

-- Single Dad.

If this isn’t hard for you, you are either superdad or crummy at your job and at parenting.

That’s not right or fair. Sometimes people things “extra hard” - this dad probably doesn’t. Maybe ask him for advice instead of insulting him?

Typo! I meant “people make things”…

My advice is teach them self-sufficiency from an early age. I taught my kids laundry at 7 and gave them a laundry day. I taught them how to cook at 8 and now each prepares one meal per week. I taught them how to budget and now they each keep track of their finances (I have line of sight as custodial account owner). Stuff like that goes a long way.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not new, and it's not exclusive to DCUM. Who in your household keeps track of birthdays, doctors appointments, clothing sizes, early dismissals, permission slips, camp signups, holiday cards, and meal planning? Does that person also have a paid job?

I do all of this and have a paid job. It's not hard. Why do women seem to struggle with it?

-- Single Dad.

If this isn’t hard for you, you are either superdad or crummy at your job and at parenting.

Do you always think in such binary terms?

I'm no "superdad" but I am a good, if imperfect one.

I'm a top performer at work in a senior executive role.

My kids are older teens now and I've taught them to take on more responsibility for themselves. They make their own doctors and dental appointments now, for example and even go alone unless I am required to be there because they are minors. They know the birthdays of their family members. They also know when bills are due (contribute to their phone and car insurance expenses) and each kid prepares one family meal per week (DD1 has Tuesdays and DD2 does Thursdays).

I guided DD1 on college applications, but served more as a consultant and adviser -- she did it all herself.

DD2 initiated her driving behind the wheel tests.

If they need permission slips or early dismissals, they talk to me and we get it done.

Again, some of this is tedious, but it's not really HARD, let alone mentally taxing.

Anonymous wrote:It’s weakness, OP. And a desperate need to be the martyr.

This is why I cringe when I see women trying to figure out how they can land a “good quality” guy. The vast majority of men think like this. I’m so glad my husband isn’t one of them but it’s not like I could be sure when I got married. It’s a crap shoot and women are just going to loose. I’m so glad my daughter is a lesbian.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not new, and it's not exclusive to DCUM. Who in your household keeps track of birthdays, doctors appointments, clothing sizes, early dismissals, permission slips, camp signups, holiday cards, and meal planning? Does that person also have a paid job?

I do all of this and have a paid job. It's not hard. Why do women seem to struggle with it?

-- Single Dad.

If this isn’t hard for you, you are either superdad or crummy at your job and at parenting.

That’s not right or fair. Sometimes people things “extra hard” - this dad probably doesn’t. Maybe ask him for advice instead of insulting him?

Typo! I meant “people make things”…

90 percent of women on my block are SAHMs. My neighbor for instance has one kid at home, an executive husband and she does clean her own house and manage house and makes dinner for three every night. Except weekends.

Her husband works in an office and eats breakfast and lunch there.

So an extra chicken cutlet at dinner time and sex on his birthday is what he gets for sharing his 600k a year salary with her.

She can deal with mental load

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm hearing this term so much on this board recently. There's a thread about how women are unhappy in their marriages because of the unequal distribution of the "mental load" with their husbands. Another thread in the Family section describes how stressful the holidays are because of the "mental load." And on and on. I've never heard this term until a few months back on this site. Is this just a new buzzword?

I am dying with the mental load right now, it's almost Christmas, the kids will be out of school in 3 days, I'm applying for jobs, etc...we need to buy a house in the next few months. I. mean, this is a lot to carry and on top of the daily grind of laundry, cleaning, food on the table, etc... Oh and don't forget trying to stay happy and emotionally regulated on top of all this. Today my DH said he was going to do something I categorize as "fun" and it's like we live on 2 different planets at times. He is much better at compartmentalizing.

As a women, I also feel like I am trying to plan a few Christmasy things with my family and think in detail about gift giving. My DH has not bought 1 item and has not mentioned one outing for example.