Wanting to retire early seems like a separate issue from not wanting to pay for private school. I think it’s completely reasonable to bring up the idea of early retirement with your wife.
How much will you need in the bank for retirement? How much do you need to save every month to get there?
Can she get a part time job that would provide health insurance when you retire, so that you don’t have to worry about that expense? If she can’t, does she need to work on getting some skills over the next few years so that she can?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I work in a public school. Absolutely get your kids into a good private school if you can. A lot of what I see horrifies me.

Also, consider how your wife getting a job will impact your career. Are you prepared to handle half of the pickups and drop offs? Half of the housework? Half of the childcare? What if she has to work weekends? Think about the impact this will have on your career. It likely makes more sense for her to remain a SAHM, rather than you taking over half of the duties and taking a career hit over $30k (6% of your salary).

His kids are teens - there is no “childcare.”

What are you talking about? There’s driving them to/from school, to activities, helping with homework, keeping on top of their schoolwork and with things the school needs (like paperwork, deadlines, etc), staying home with them when they’re sick, being able to leave work at a moments notice to get them, cooking dinner for the family, buying supplies, plus just spending time with your kids so they’re not alone and getting into trouble.

And that’s not even considering household responsibilities OP probably doesn’t do, like grocery shopping, cleaning, handling repairs, bills, paperwork, etc. He would have to take over half of that, too, so his evenings will be spent cooking, cleaning, handling logistics, etc.

Looks like a SAHM of teens has found this thread!

Nice try. But I’m a single mom who works full time. That’s how I know what the real value of a wife is - I would love to have someone who didn’t work and could handle all the household tasks. Sounds amazing to come home to a clean house and home cooked meal.

I hear you but please know that it can be single mothers who are the most sexist at times. You realize "wives" in 2 couple families are not all doing what you assume?

Not totally sure what you mean by that. I was a SAHM. Most of my friends are SAHMs. I know that for the most part, SAHMs (and SAHDs) do almost all the at home labor. This then frees up the working partner to advance their career. Never met a couple where the working parent does half or more of the at home labor (although I've met many who *think* they do and have no idea how much their SAH spouse does).

Of course things are divided differently when both parents work, although data is pretty clear that wives still do the bulk of home and childcare, even if they work full time.

Point is, if OP wants his wife to work, he needs to take a close look at how that will impact his career. When I was a SAHM, my xH wanted me to work. So I got a job. Then he freaked out because he was suddenly responsible for half of the pickups/dropoffs, half of dinners, getting DC ready in the morning, handling school things, etc. And he didn't have time for the things he enjoyed like working out. Even got upset he couldn't use the company car anymore (no kids allowed in it). But you don't get to have your cake and eat it, too - you don't get the benefits of a working wife AND a SAHM.

I would think the OP would have to do more than half the pickups etc in the first year or so because it would be hard to get flexibility if you are trying to restart a career. It depends on how long OP’s wife has been out of the workforce.

Anonymous wrote:How can I force this issue or am I in the wrong? I am sole breadwinner, make about 500k so money isn't an issue but wife wants our 2 kids to go to private school for middle and high school. The school is about 30k per year. That's about $700k I'm pre tax money and not counting college.

I went to public school my whole life, including a good state school so my tuition from kindergarten through end of grad school was about the cost of one year of this middle school, combined. I think private school is a waste, unless you are in a bad school district or your kid has unique needs.

Leaving aside I could retire several years earlier if we sent the kids to the good, local public school, I feel my wife has lost the sense of what a dollar is. She isn't a spendthrift on other areas. I feel like if this is so important, then she can work with basically every penny she earns going to pay tuition.

How do I raise this without blowing things up?

Stop thinking about this in terms of "my lazy stay at home wife doesn't understand the value of a dollar" and instead think "How can my partner and I get back on the same page about our long term financial and life goals. Sit down with a financial planner and have them run the numbers for various scenarios (private school vs. not, retiring early vs not, additional income from wife's job vs. not). Be sure to also factor in what additional expenses you would have if your wife returned to work full time: housecleaner, child care, transportation (wife's job and also whoever drives the kids while she is at work)...your wife will probably know more about this than you. Also, what other large expenses do you have (vacations? expensive cars or second homes?) Could you cut some of those? And are there specific private schools your wife has in mind? You should go look at them and see what they say about why they are worth it.

You are likely enjoying a lot of perks related to your wife being a SAHM that you have not considered. I know you want to "teach her a lesson", but you should carefully consider how your life will be impacted by her working outside the home. Similarly, she should keep an open mind about your family budget and goals. Maybe there is a good reason to send the kids to private school, and maybe there isn't, but perhaps there are other sacrifices your family could make that would make it more affordable. Or, maybe not. I just think the whole conversation will go better if you approach her with respect and a genuine open mindedness to her idea, while at the same time sharing your hopes for the future. It's not fair for you to treat her like a child, but its not fair for her to just assume you can keep working as long as needed to fund whatever ideas she has for herself and the kids.

I really don't like your way of thinking about this. "Making" your wife get a job? You think she's your slave? That you two can't have a rational discussion in front of an Excel spreadsheet?

I mean, come on. First, you're very wealthy and can probably afford two private school tuitions. Second, if you think your money could be better spent elsewhere (my own kids go to public so I'm with you there!), then you need to sit your wife down, show her where the money is allocated (retirement, college fund, other categories), and ask her what options she's considering, and whether or not she could get a salary that would make the slightest bit of difference. Not all stay-at-home parents can return to the workforce and make that kind of money.

Your children are your best investment.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I work in a public school. Absolutely get your kids into a good private school if you can. A lot of what I see horrifies me.

Also, consider how your wife getting a job will impact your career. Are you prepared to handle half of the pickups and drop offs? Half of the housework? Half of the childcare? What if she has to work weekends? Think about the impact this will have on your career. It likely makes more sense for her to remain a SAHM, rather than you taking over half of the duties and taking a career hit over $30k (6% of your salary).

His kids are teens - there is no “childcare.”

What are you talking about? There’s driving them to/from school, to activities, helping with homework, keeping on top of their schoolwork and with things the school needs (like paperwork, deadlines, etc), staying home with them when they’re sick, being able to leave work at a moments notice to get them, cooking dinner for the family, buying supplies, plus just spending time with your kids so they’re not alone and getting into trouble.

And that’s not even considering household responsibilities OP probably doesn’t do, like grocery shopping, cleaning, handling repairs, bills, paperwork, etc. He would have to take over half of that, too, so his evenings will be spent cooking, cleaning, handling logistics, etc.

Looks like a SAHM of teens has found this thread!

Nice try. But I’m a single mom who works full time. That’s how I know what the real value of a wife is - I would love to have someone who didn’t work and could handle all the household tasks. Sounds amazing to come home to a clean house and home cooked meal.

I hear you but please know that it can be single mothers who are the most sexist at times. You realize "wives" in 2 couple families are not all doing what you assume?

Not totally sure what you mean by that. I was a SAHM. Most of my friends are SAHMs. I know that for the most part, SAHMs (and SAHDs) do almost all the at home labor. This then frees up the working partner to advance their career. Never met a couple where the working parent does half or more of the at home labor (although I've met many who *think* they do and have no idea how much their SAH spouse does).

Of course things are divided differently when both parents work, although data is pretty clear that wives still do the bulk of home and childcare, even if they work full time.

Point is, if OP wants his wife to work, he needs to take a close look at how that will impact his career. When I was a SAHM, my xH wanted me to work. So I got a job. Then he freaked out because he was suddenly responsible for half of the pickups/dropoffs, half of dinners, getting DC ready in the morning, handling school things, etc. And he didn't have time for the things he enjoyed like working out. Even got upset he couldn't use the company car anymore (no kids allowed in it). But you don't get to have your cake and eat it, too - you don't get the benefits of a working wife AND a SAHM.

Is it possible to make some lifestyle changes so that you can send the kids to private school AND retire early?

Can you get a less expensive home if you don’t need the great school district? Switch to stay-cations? Drive older cars? Make changes in discretionary spending?

It seems crazy to me that the first cut you would make would be the kids’ school.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I work in a public school. Absolutely get your kids into a good private school if you can. A lot of what I see horrifies me.

Also, consider how your wife getting a job will impact your career. Are you prepared to handle half of the pickups and drop offs? Half of the housework? Half of the childcare? What if she has to work weekends? Think about the impact this will have on your career. It likely makes more sense for her to remain a SAHM, rather than you taking over half of the duties and taking a career hit over $30k (6% of your salary).

His kids are teens - there is no “childcare.”

What are you talking about? There’s driving them to/from school, to activities, helping with homework, keeping on top of their schoolwork and with things the school needs (like paperwork, deadlines, etc), staying home with them when they’re sick, being able to leave work at a moments notice to get them, cooking dinner for the family, buying supplies, plus just spending time with your kids so they’re not alone and getting into trouble.

And that’s not even considering household responsibilities OP probably doesn’t do, like grocery shopping, cleaning, handling repairs, bills, paperwork, etc. He would have to take over half of that, too, so his evenings will be spent cooking, cleaning, handling logistics, etc.

Looks like a SAHM of teens has found this thread!

Nice try. But I’m a single mom who works full time. That’s how I know what the real value of a wife is - I would love to have someone who didn’t work and could handle all the household tasks. Sounds amazing to come home to a clean house and home cooked meal.

I hear you but please know that it can be single mothers who are the most sexist at times. You realize "wives" in 2 couple families are not all doing what you assume?

2 couple families??

Whoops, families with a heterosexual set of parents. Also sounds weird.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I work in a public school. Absolutely get your kids into a good private school if you can. A lot of what I see horrifies me.

Also, consider how your wife getting a job will impact your career. Are you prepared to handle half of the pickups and drop offs? Half of the housework? Half of the childcare? What if she has to work weekends? Think about the impact this will have on your career. It likely makes more sense for her to remain a SAHM, rather than you taking over half of the duties and taking a career hit over $30k (6% of your salary).

His kids are teens - there is no “childcare.”

What are you talking about? There’s driving them to/from school, to activities, helping with homework, keeping on top of their schoolwork and with things the school needs (like paperwork, deadlines, etc), staying home with them when they’re sick, being able to leave work at a moments notice to get them, cooking dinner for the family, buying supplies, plus just spending time with your kids so they’re not alone and getting into trouble.

And that’s not even considering household responsibilities OP probably doesn’t do, like grocery shopping, cleaning, handling repairs, bills, paperwork, etc. He would have to take over half of that, too, so his evenings will be spent cooking, cleaning, handling logistics, etc.

Looks like a SAHM of teens has found this thread!

Nice try. But I’m a single mom who works full time. That’s how I know what the real value of a wife is - I would love to have someone who didn’t work and could handle all the household tasks. Sounds amazing to come home to a clean house and home cooked meal.

I hear you but please know that it can be single mothers who are the most sexist at times. You realize "wives" in 2 couple families are not all doing what you assume?

2 couple families??

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I work in a public school. Absolutely get your kids into a good private school if you can. A lot of what I see horrifies me.

Also, consider how your wife getting a job will impact your career. Are you prepared to handle half of the pickups and drop offs? Half of the housework? Half of the childcare? What if she has to work weekends? Think about the impact this will have on your career. It likely makes more sense for her to remain a SAHM, rather than you taking over half of the duties and taking a career hit over $30k (6% of your salary).

His kids are teens - there is no “childcare.”

What are you talking about? There’s driving them to/from school, to activities, helping with homework, keeping on top of their schoolwork and with things the school needs (like paperwork, deadlines, etc), staying home with them when they’re sick, being able to leave work at a moments notice to get them, cooking dinner for the family, buying supplies, plus just spending time with your kids so they’re not alone and getting into trouble.

And that’s not even considering household responsibilities OP probably doesn’t do, like grocery shopping, cleaning, handling repairs, bills, paperwork, etc. He would have to take over half of that, too, so his evenings will be spent cooking, cleaning, handling logistics, etc.

Looks like a SAHM of teens has found this thread!

Nice try. But I’m a single mom who works full time. That’s how I know what the real value of a wife is - I would love to have someone who didn’t work and could handle all the household tasks. Sounds amazing to come home to a clean house and home cooked meal.

I hear you but please know that it can be single mothers who are the most sexist at times. You realize "wives" in 2 couple families are not all doing what you assume?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dh makes a bit more but back at 500 and even 300 he has never asked me to work. He has only wanted me to work if I want to. This might be a different situation if Op's wife can rake in more than I could with my degree. That is the most important aspect IMO, what is there to gain/lose?

Having talked with peers I'd be doing well to get to 20k but likely would make less. I am glad he is open to private too but leaving it up to me. I am happy with public for now but glad he feels supportive of any change. With all these situations people think of their own salaries, stresses, lifestyle and extracurriculars. We can't really advise without knowing how much your kids do outside of school and DW's potential salary.

How does this advance the discussion at all? What is the point?

DP but it's useful in that it's a wife's perspective on what OP's wife might think about the matter of returning to work. And it raises important point like the reality of how much someone who has been a SAHM for a while can expect to make upon returning to work. It also demonstrates a more collaborative approach to the conversation about education, money, and a SAH spouse, where this PP and her DH where they respect one another's viewpoints and are open to each other's ideas.

It's relevant in that it describes practical concerns around OP's suggestion that he "make" his wife get a job, as well as illustrates an alternative approach based on communication and mutual respect as opposed to resentment and ultimatums.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do think it is a little ridiculous to both not work and insist on private school.

Agree. I’m a SAHM and private school would be a non-starter with my husband. He doesn’t quite make $500/k but it wouldn’t matter to him if he did. He is focused on college and retirement savings and generational wealth building. Private secondary school is just a badge like a luxury car or country club (we don’t those either.)

Interesting. On the one hand I agree (wanting private but not working) on the other, presumably the wife has backed up a lot at home if OP is making that much money.

But the idea of "generational wealth building" - is that really more important than a good education? My spouse and I together make less than 1/2 of what your husband makes - and money isn't our #1 value - but I would always invest in private first (if it was different)

Anonymous wrote:Dh makes a bit more but back at 500 and even 300 he has never asked me to work. He has only wanted me to work if I want to. This might be a different situation if Op's wife can rake in more than I could with my degree. That is the most important aspect IMO, what is there to gain/lose?

Having talked with peers I'd be doing well to get to 20k but likely would make less. I am glad he is open to private too but leaving it up to me. I am happy with public for now but glad he feels supportive of any change. With all these situations people think of their own salaries, stresses, lifestyle and extracurriculars. We can't really advise without knowing how much your kids do outside of school and DW's potential salary.

How does this advance the discussion at all? What is the point?

Dh makes a bit more but back at 500 and even 300 he has never asked me to work. He has only wanted me to work if I want to. This might be a different situation if Op's wife can rake in more than I could with my degree. That is the most important aspect IMO, what is there to gain/lose?

Having talked with peers I'd be doing well to get to 20k but likely would make less. I am glad he is open to private too but leaving it up to me. I am happy with public for now but glad he feels supportive of any change. With all these situations people think of their own salaries, stresses, lifestyle and extracurriculars. We can't really advise without knowing how much your kids do outside of school and DW's potential salary.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I work in a public school. Absolutely get your kids into a good private school if you can. A lot of what I see horrifies me.

Also, consider how your wife getting a job will impact your career. Are you prepared to handle half of the pickups and drop offs? Half of the housework? Half of the childcare? What if she has to work weekends? Think about the impact this will have on your career. It likely makes more sense for her to remain a SAHM, rather than you taking over half of the duties and taking a career hit over $30k (6% of your salary).

His kids are teens - there is no “childcare.”

What are you talking about? There’s driving them to/from school, to activities, helping with homework, keeping on top of their schoolwork and with things the school needs (like paperwork, deadlines, etc), staying home with them when they’re sick, being able to leave work at a moments notice to get them, cooking dinner for the family, buying supplies, plus just spending time with your kids so they’re not alone and getting into trouble.

And that’s not even considering household responsibilities OP probably doesn’t do, like grocery shopping, cleaning, handling repairs, bills, paperwork, etc. He would have to take over half of that, too, so his evenings will be spent cooking, cleaning, handling logistics, etc.

DP. It depends on your job. My husband and I both work. We do all of the above. If you have a flexible job you don’t need to have a SAHP.

Does one of you make $500k/yr and have that level of flexibility?

Nope, but together we do.

So not relevant to op’s post. Got it.