Anonymous wrote:
Hmm. This might have something to do with why she left.

Anonymous wrote:I’m a married woman, so no advice from me. I just wanted to chime in and say that 50/50 custody with another involved parent sounds amazing. I love my kids, but I could definitely use some regular breaks.
Oh, and you can arrange your schedule however it works for you. No checking in with anyone else. And you can spend your money, keep your home, plan your schedule, and travel wherever you want to go without taking your spouse’s opinion into account.

I’m happily married, but there are some serious upsides to divorce that you are missing.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a divorced man. It was finalized in 2019.

Firstly, she has checked out of the marriage. You haven't yet. But you will, in time. Try to accept that you're not going to save the marriage and get things back. Not going to happen. It's done. I ran around like a madman doing everything I could, but ultimately it didn't matter. In particular, don't bother with couples counseling.

Secondly, get your ducks in a row legally. See a lawyer, now. Initial consultation should be $300 or so. Make copies of all legal and financial documents and store them somewhere outside the house. Start working up a separation agreement. You should get 50/50 custody and assume that assets will be split 50/50. If the plan is for you to keep the house, start thinking about how you will pay her 50% of the equity. Get a professional appraisal as the basis for this.

Don't bother trying to figure out if there is another man. This won't affect custody or the separation of assets. You'll just spend more money on lawyers and private investigators.

Go to the gym. Lift heavy. This will improve your physical and mental state. I lifted 5x a week while my divorce was playing out. Look into some kind of mindfulness or meditation. You will go through a long period of stress and being able to calm yourself is important.

Once your wife moves out, you pretty much only want to talk to her about kid logistics and legal stuff pertaining to the divorce. She is no longer your friend and life partner. You don't want to tell her about your life, which is none of her business, and you are no longer available to listen patiently to her ceaseless female prattle.

Don't think about dating until the divorce is all over. You won't have the mental bandwidth for it.

Over two years later, I would say that I am happy. I wish the divorce hadn't happened, but it wasn't up to me. It's not up to you, either. I remain amicable with the ex, and as far as I can tell the kids are doing well, not least because I remain extremely involved in their lives - more so, in fact, than my XW.

Hmm. This might have something to do with why she left.

Anonymous wrote:I'm a divorced man. It was finalized in 2019.

Firstly, she has checked out of the marriage. You haven't yet. But you will, in time. Try to accept that you're not going to save the marriage and get things back. Not going to happen. It's done. I ran around like a madman doing everything I could, but ultimately it didn't matter. In particular, don't bother with couples counseling.

Secondly, get your ducks in a row legally. See a lawyer, now. Initial consultation should be $300 or so. Make copies of all legal and financial documents and store them somewhere outside the house. Start working up a separation agreement. You should get 50/50 custody and assume that assets will be split 50/50. If the plan is for you to keep the house, start thinking about how you will pay her 50% of the equity. Get a professional appraisal as the basis for this.

Don't bother trying to figure out if there is another man. This won't affect custody or the separation of assets. You'll just spend more money on lawyers and private investigators.

Go to the gym. Lift heavy. This will improve your physical and mental state. I lifted 5x a week while my divorce was playing out. Look into some kind of mindfulness or meditation. You will go through a long period of stress and being able to calm yourself is important.

Once your wife moves out, you pretty much only want to talk to her about kid logistics and legal stuff pertaining to the divorce. She is no longer your friend and life partner. You don't want to tell her about your life, which is none of her business, and you are no longer available to listen patiently to her ceaseless female prattle.

Don't think about dating until the divorce is all over. You won't have the mental bandwidth for it.

Over two years later, I would say that I am happy. I wish the divorce hadn't happened, but it wasn't up to me. It's not up to you, either. I remain amicable with the ex, and as far as I can tell the kids are doing well, not least because I remain extremely involved in their lives - more so, in fact, than my XW.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for some of the recommendations here. I lift 4-5 times a week and don't sport a beer belly.

Wife has been discontent and we've been in therapy for a while. I admit and have admitted to her that I have been lazy and selfish. I am however a very involved dad. The laziness was more towards our relationship. Over the course of therapy, I had changed my behavior and was working hard to be a partner and not a roommate.

Thanks for some of the guidance. As one poster said, get a lawyer and cry later. That's what I'm in the process of doing right now.

Why did you let it get to that point? Nobody gets married thinking "I'm going to be a lazy and selfish roommate", right?

You may benefit from reading Must Be This Tall To Ride.

[b]I was spending more time at work and then when home, with the kids. Our relationship suffered. By the time the kids were in bed, I was too tired to engage [\b], as was she. That was one of the reasons for her first emotional affair.

Kids that age to go sleep at like 8pmz what did you do most nights from 8pm to 11pm??

Marching band is high school. You do know people can have more than one kid, right?

Anonymous wrote:It being, divorce. The wife mentioned that she has been unhappy for years and wants a divorce. I'm lost - caught me off guard. She's in the process of moving out of our house. Two kids in the mix, both under 10. I've been shocked for the last week and am having severe anxiety. I'm keeping a cool, brave front for the world but on the inside, I'm shattered. After the kids go to bed, I'm crying and drinking myself to sleep. Wife is sleeping in a separate bedroom until she moves out. She wants nothing to do with trying to save the marriage or discuss how I can make her happy like we used to be. I'm not begging her to stay but wanted to talk about it but she's already made up her mind. I am afraid that I'm going down a rabbit hole that I won't be able to pull myself out of. She had one emotional affair years ago and I have a feeling someone else is involved, but it's neither here nor there.

For those that went through separation/divorce, how did you get your life on track? Are you happier as a single dad? Help.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for some of the recommendations here. I lift 4-5 times a week and don't sport a beer belly.

Wife has been discontent and we've been in therapy for a while. I admit and have admitted to her that I have been lazy and selfish. I am however a very involved dad. The laziness was more towards our relationship. Over the course of therapy, I had changed my behavior and was working hard to be a partner and not a roommate.

Thanks for some of the guidance. As one poster said, get a lawyer and cry later. That's what I'm in the process of doing right now.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for some of the recommendations here. I lift 4-5 times a week and don't sport a beer belly.

Wife has been discontent and we've been in therapy for a while. I admit and have admitted to her that I have been lazy and selfish. I am however a very involved dad. The laziness was more towards our relationship. Over the course of therapy, I had changed my behavior and was working hard to be a partner and not a roommate.

Thanks for some of the guidance. As one poster said, get a lawyer and cry later. That's what I'm in the process of doing right now.

Why did you let it get to that point? Nobody gets married thinking "I'm going to be a lazy and selfish roommate", right?

You may benefit from reading Must Be This Tall To Ride.

I was spending more time at work and then when home, with the kids. Our relationship suffered. By the time the kids were in bed, I was too tired to engage, as was she. That was one of the reasons for her first emotional affair.

Kids that age to go sleep at like 8pmz what did you do most nights from 8pm to 11pm??

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for some of the recommendations here. I lift 4-5 times a week and don't sport a beer belly.

Wife has been discontent and we've been in therapy for a while. I admit and have admitted to her that I have been lazy and selfish. I am however a very involved dad. The laziness was more towards our relationship. Over the course of therapy, I had changed my behavior and was working hard to be a partner and not a roommate.

Thanks for some of the guidance. As one poster said, get a lawyer and cry later. That's what I'm in the process of doing right now.

Why did you let it get to that point? Nobody gets married thinking "I'm going to be a lazy and selfish roommate", right?

You may benefit from reading Must Be This Tall To Ride.

I was spending more time at work and then when home, with the kids. Our relationship suffered. By the time the kids were in bed, I was too tired to engage, as was she. That was one of the reasons for her first emotional affair.