Anonymous
Post 12/05/2021 16:50     Subject: I don't want to babysit niece and nephews for the weekend
If she’s a good woman, your SIL would likely be happy they are together. I know that I would be comforted knowing that my motherless kids would one day have a loving stepmom if I could not be there for them. My DH could take care of them, but I’d still want them to have a mother figure that loves them. Who knows how this will turn out, but a happy ending is not a bad thing for the most important people involved, the kids.
Anonymous
Post 12/05/2021 16:43     Subject: I don't want to babysit niece and nephews for the weekend
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Really folks? If the OP tells the BIL that they can’t or won’t, that sets up a horrible mess between the two brothers. Would you ask your spouse to lie to their brother about why you don’t want to watch the kids? Or would you be okay with your husband saying no because you are uncomfortable with the dating?

Tell your spouse that you are still grieving snd although you know your family needs to watch them, ask for some alone time that weekend to process your own feelings. Maybe go for a walk on drop off so you don’t fixate on the new girlfriend or be there in tears. Do something that relaxes you for part of the weekend.


I guess it would work better if OP’s brother really did take on the bulk of childcare during the weekend so that OP can really get some time alone, but we all know that the woman in a given relationship is usually the one that ends up giving the most of her time and energy for the kids. If that were not the norm (statistically) I’m sure most posters would be encouraging OP to accommodate BIL’s requests.


Did you miss the part about how OP and her husband watch the kids often?


Op is allowed to say no this one time if she or her dh don't want to do it. Just because you do it frequently doesn't mean you aren't allowed to say no.


No one has suggested that she is obligated to watch them. But (i) she does, often, (ii) the reasons she is hesitating this time have nothing to do with timing, logistics, lack of desire to see them, or anything regarding the kids themselves. It's entirely about how she feels about her BIL's new relationship.

Furthermore, if you actually read the damned post, she's not looking for reassurance that she can decline. She doesn't intend on declining. She wrote, "So help me DCUM, help me do the right thing here, and help me not be resentful and be welcoming to his girlfriend." So your simpleton comments about her being "allowed" to decline are both nonresponsive and counterproductive.

This thread really have brought out the worst in DCUM.
Anonymous
Post 12/05/2021 16:37     Subject: I don't want to babysit niece and nephews for the weekend
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I don’t think anyone should feel obligated to babysit someone else kids for an entire weekend. That’s a big ask. But if you typically would be fine with doing so - like, let’s say this was a bachelor party or other guys trip or a work trip and you would say yes - I don’t think you should let the fact that it’s a girlfriend trip stop you.

I’m sorry for your loss. But he’s entitled to move on and date others. I would support him in this.


He can hire a babysitter or ask his family.


That's exactly what he did, you dimwit.


His side of the family..not the in-laws.


+1
I would feel no guilt over asking him to ask his own parents for a child free weekend.
You have a right to the time it takes to process your feelings OP.


He asked his own brother and brother’s wife. How is that not his own family?
Anonymous
Post 12/05/2021 16:33     Subject: I don't want to babysit niece and nephews for the weekend
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Really folks? If the OP tells the BIL that they can’t or won’t, that sets up a horrible mess between the two brothers. Would you ask your spouse to lie to their brother about why you don’t want to watch the kids? Or would you be okay with your husband saying no because you are uncomfortable with the dating?

Tell your spouse that you are still grieving snd although you know your family needs to watch them, ask for some alone time that weekend to process your own feelings. Maybe go for a walk on drop off so you don’t fixate on the new girlfriend or be there in tears. Do something that relaxes you for part of the weekend.


I guess it would work better if OP’s brother really did take on the bulk of childcare during the weekend so that OP can really get some time alone, but we all know that the woman in a given relationship is usually the one that ends up giving the most of her time and energy for the kids. If that were not the norm (statistically) I’m sure most posters would be encouraging OP to accommodate BIL’s requests.


Did you miss the part about how OP and her husband watch the kids often?


Op is allowed to say no this one time if she or her dh don't want to do it. Just because you do it frequently doesn't mean you aren't allowed to say no.
Anonymous
Post 12/05/2021 16:23     Subject: I don't want to babysit niece and nephews for the weekend
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Really folks? If the OP tells the BIL that they can’t or won’t, that sets up a horrible mess between the two brothers. Would you ask your spouse to lie to their brother about why you don’t want to watch the kids? Or would you be okay with your husband saying no because you are uncomfortable with the dating?

Tell your spouse that you are still grieving snd although you know your family needs to watch them, ask for some alone time that weekend to process your own feelings. Maybe go for a walk on drop off so you don’t fixate on the new girlfriend or be there in tears. Do something that relaxes you for part of the weekend.


I guess it would work better if OP’s brother really did take on the bulk of childcare during the weekend so that OP can really get some time alone, but we all know that the woman in a given relationship is usually the one that ends up giving the most of her time and energy for the kids. If that were not the norm (statistically) I’m sure most posters would be encouraging OP to accommodate BIL’s requests.


Did you miss the part about how OP and her husband watch the kids often?
Anonymous
Post 12/05/2021 14:44     Subject: I don't want to babysit niece and nephews for the weekend
Anonymous wrote:Really folks? If the OP tells the BIL that they can’t or won’t, that sets up a horrible mess between the two brothers. Would you ask your spouse to lie to their brother about why you don’t want to watch the kids? Or would you be okay with your husband saying no because you are uncomfortable with the dating?

Tell your spouse that you are still grieving snd although you know your family needs to watch them, ask for some alone time that weekend to process your own feelings. Maybe go for a walk on drop off so you don’t fixate on the new girlfriend or be there in tears. Do something that relaxes you for part of the weekend.


I guess it would work better if OP’s brother really did take on the bulk of childcare during the weekend so that OP can really get some time alone, but we all know that the woman in a given relationship is usually the one that ends up giving the most of her time and energy for the kids. If that were not the norm (statistically) I’m sure most posters would be encouraging OP to accommodate BIL’s requests.
Anonymous
Post 12/05/2021 13:13     Subject: I don't want to babysit niece and nephews for the weekend
Really folks? If the OP tells the BIL that they can’t or won’t, that sets up a horrible mess between the two brothers. Would you ask your spouse to lie to their brother about why you don’t want to watch the kids? Or would you be okay with your husband saying no because you are uncomfortable with the dating?

Tell your spouse that you are still grieving snd although you know your family needs to watch them, ask for some alone time that weekend to process your own feelings. Maybe go for a walk on drop off so you don’t fixate on the new girlfriend or be there in tears. Do something that relaxes you for part of the weekend.
Anonymous
Post 12/05/2021 12:57     Subject: I don't want to babysit niece and nephews for the weekend
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I don’t think anyone should feel obligated to babysit someone else kids for an entire weekend. That’s a big ask. But if you typically would be fine with doing so - like, let’s say this was a bachelor party or other guys trip or a work trip and you would say yes - I don’t think you should let the fact that it’s a girlfriend trip stop you.

I’m sorry for your loss. But he’s entitled to move on and date others. I would support him in this.


He can hire a babysitter or ask his family.


That's exactly what he did, you dimwit.


His side of the family..not the in-laws.


+1
I would feel no guilt over asking him to ask his own parents for a child free weekend.
You have a right to the time it takes to process your feelings OP.
Anonymous
Post 12/05/2021 12:55     Subject: I don't want to babysit niece and nephews for the weekend
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I don’t think anyone should feel obligated to babysit someone else kids for an entire weekend. That’s a big ask. But if you typically would be fine with doing so - like, let’s say this was a bachelor party or other guys trip or a work trip and you would say yes - I don’t think you should let the fact that it’s a girlfriend trip stop you.

I’m sorry for your loss. But he’s entitled to move on and date others. I would support him in this.


He can hire a babysitter or ask his family.


That's exactly what he did, you dimwit.


His side of the family..not the in-laws.


Good lord. He asked his brother to watch his kids. OP is his brother's wife.

I can't decide which is more prevalent in this thread:

a) the lack or reading comprehension;
b) the stupidity; or
c) the outright insanity.

OP, I'm sorry it's so tough. You seem like you know what the right thing to do is, and as another PP suggested, having an honest, non-judgmental conversation with your BIL may be helpful.
Anonymous
Post 12/05/2021 12:51     Subject: Re:I don't want to babysit niece and nephews for the weekend
If you don’t want to, then don’t. However, if I was in your shoes, I would think more about the children. I would welcome such a wonderful woman willing to be in the children lives. I would also want to be around the kids more as an aunt, to help fill that female role for them.
Anonymous
Post 12/05/2021 12:51     Subject: I don't want to babysit niece and nephews for the weekend
Anonymous wrote:Could you have an open, vulnerable discussion with him? Not in a “you’re a bad husband/father” way. No accusing. But in a way to help you in your grief. Sort of like, “I know this is completely irrational. Your happiness is so important to me and I’m happy you’ve found someone who brings you joy. I’m just struggling with this, I miss her so much, we were so close, and I feel like I’m betraying her in some way. Can we talk about it?”

He’s likely felt a lot of the same feelings - that he’s betraying his deceased wife, he still misses her, etc. It could be very healing for you both to talk about it.


This is a very good suggestion, and I'd include OP's husband as well.
Anonymous
Post 12/05/2021 12:50     Subject: I don't want to babysit niece and nephews for the weekend
Six month anniversary and asking for a weekend away from the kids who lost their mother is a red flag. I think you are conflating your grief with picking up on something that isn't right.
Anonymous
Post 12/05/2021 12:46     Subject: Re:I don't want to babysit niece and nephews for the weekend
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I think you are entitled to your feelings. I think you do need to work past these emotions. However, for now, just tell him you aren't able to that weekend for X reason.


+1. It is okay to say no this time. I would just tell him you have plans you can't change. I think a therapist would help you sort through these feelings. I would also focus on these sorts of things as being time with the kids rather than helping your brother.


She's not the only person involved, though. Her husband wants to help his brother, and babysit the kids.
Anonymous
Post 12/05/2021 12:40     Subject: I don't want to babysit niece and nephews for the weekend
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I don’t think anyone should feel obligated to babysit someone else kids for an entire weekend. That’s a big ask. But if you typically would be fine with doing so - like, let’s say this was a bachelor party or other guys trip or a work trip and you would say yes - I don’t think you should let the fact that it’s a girlfriend trip stop you.

I’m sorry for your loss. But he’s entitled to move on and date others. I would support him in this.


He can hire a babysitter or ask his family.


That's exactly what he did, you dimwit.


His side of the family..not the in-laws.
Anonymous
Post 12/05/2021 12:35     Subject: I don't want to babysit niece and nephews for the weekend
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Op, I understand where you’re coming from. It’s hard to see widowed people move on. I lost my own mom when I was young, and I have a very good friend who lost her husband early in her marriage. It’s a very public loss, and it’s hard to see the spouse left behind develop a new romantic relationship.

But those are your feelings to manage. I say this with love, but you need to work your way through your grief over losing your SIL. Some therapy might not be the worst thing. Some sort of ritualized way of saying good-bye to her. It’s okay for your BIL to date again.

I’m sure he loved your SIL very much, and treasures the time he did have with her. But he doesn’t get to have a future with her. It’s okay for him to find someone else to share that time with. And as much as it’s hard for you, this is a time where you should swallow your feelings, put on a smile, and babysit his children. It’s okay to not want it to be happening. But it is. And it’s okay to support him through it.



OP here. Thank you. I know you are right, in my heart. I don't expect him to remain single for the life honestly I don't. I think I had finally come around to the idea of SIL being gone, and then now there's this new woman who might be in the picture forever. I don't know it's difficult. It's like she's being replaced, and I wonder if my husband would do the same as his brother if I were to pass. I know that no matter what it's harder on him. And to the posters attacking him for dating, he's been nothing but a devoted dad. Even before my SIL passed he was an involved dad, so it's not like he's dumping the kids on us to go out dating and partying. My husband and I have watched the kids for the weekend before so it's not a new thing, and we don't mind doing it. I know I need to just say yes and be kind
Thank you.


Wouldn't you want him to?