Anonymous wrote:The only people I know well who don't have kids are women who aged out of having them prior to finding the right relationship. They regret that they didn't have kids, but I suppose feel that it was out of their hands. They more generally regret how their lives turned out.
I personally tried to have kids as a single mother. Although it was not successful, I am very glad that I tried (despite the expense and toll it took on my life). I think that I would regret it if I hadn't.

I would have been such a person. Instead I married the wrong person had a kid and divorced. It’s my second-worst-case scenario, worst being alone and childless. I never wanted to be a single mother but he was extremely abusive.

It’s not too late for your sister, there are so many kids that need to be adopted between 12 and 17, they need good stable families, she won’t be raising them from the ground up but what she will give them is a new homebase, when my kids are gone that’s what I’m gonna do.
These kids stay in the foster system and get moved around from time to time never find a place to call home, eventually they age out, are giving a little bit of assistance and then basically booted out.
It’s likely not going to be an immediate bond like she would have with an in ant but that could change over time; she’s basically just telling a kid that hey listen I’ve got you for the next three years or whatever but this will always be your home, go out into the world and come home for Christmas, call me when you have a bad break up, everyone deserves a place to dread going to Thanksgiving.

I wonder if parents of mass shooters or pedophiles regret having children.

No, I don’t regret it at all. DH and I are turning 60 this year and have been together for 40 years. He says he would have gone along with having kids if I really wanted them but never felt the need nor desire to be a father. I work with autistic children and they’ve always been enough for me.

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Anonymous wrote:I think women are given a weird message of "you don't need to have kids to have a fulfilling life! You'll travel and have fun!" I'm sure that's true but it's also true that having kids is also fulfilling and fun and involves travel. I think sometimes women get caught up in the idea that their lives will be better in certain ways if they don't have kids and over time they see things aren't so clear cut and they might have just missed out on something they would have loved.

Women weren't being told that very much when my sister made her decision 20+ years ago.

I don't know I agree. I'm 50 now, and I was definitely told 20 years ago I was too young to settle down and I needed to travel and experience life. Your 20s and and your 30s are prime baby making years. Women don't really have that much time.

Told by whom? You were 30. Surely you were independent enough to decide on your own?

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Anonymous wrote:My sister has been married for over 25 years. She's successful, has many friends, and is very active and well known in her community. Her husband had been married before, young, it ended ugly, and he has (now grown) children. He told her when they were young enough that he'd have kids with her if that's what she wanted, but that if it were up to him alone he really didn't want more kids. She elected not to have any.

The other day she told me she "immensely regrets" her decision. I was surprised.

I'm just curious if anyone else reading this is in the same boat, and how you're dealing with it. I feel badly for her.

I know someone in a similar situation but I'm not sure if she regrets it. Think of all that money and free time! lol

Think of growing alone and nobody taking care of you… oh wait, that’s USA 101

All the people left alone in nursing homes aren’t all childfree.

Yep. Everyone I know who lived in a nursing home had children.

Anonymous wrote:The holidays can be a bad time if you decided not to have kids or were unable to have kids. Ask me how I know. (Not everyone can afford to adopt or find success in IVF.)

I was at peace with the decision not to bankrupt ourselves to have kids, but it is hard because I did not expect to be hit with grief and regret again when my friends started to become grandparents.

And it's even harder during the holidays.

And I imagine, even harder if your sister has step children who did not accept her, even more so than it would be for someone like me who has no kids in my life. She has to see what she could have had, but may feel like they don't want her around.

I imagine it is no consolation, but the holidays can be hard for those who do have kids, too

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Anonymous wrote:I think women are given a weird message of "you don't need to have kids to have a fulfilling life! You'll travel and have fun!" I'm sure that's true but it's also true that having kids is also fulfilling and fun and involves travel. I think sometimes women get caught up in the idea that their lives will be better in certain ways if they don't have kids and over time they see things aren't so clear cut and they might have just missed out on something they would have loved.

Women weren't being told that very much when my sister made her decision 20+ years ago.

I don't know I agree. I'm 50 now, and I was definitely told 20 years ago I was too young to settle down and I needed to travel and experience life. Your 20s and and your 30s are prime baby making years. Women don't really have that much time.

I think regrets later in life is probably normal no matter what. Maybe not full on regrets, but who doesn’t occasionally get wistful about the road not taken. I love my kids immensely and wouldn’t change a thing, but I sometimes feel pangs of “what if” I hadn’t mommy tracked myself at work so early on, what could I have achieved?

The thing about regret though is that you know the good and bad of the road you did take, but you’ll never truly know the struggles had you taken another path. There really isn’t much point to looking back.

That said, I can understand how people may feel sad not having a continuation of their family line as they get older. But there are lots of us with young kids whose families are far away, parents have passed on, etc. I bet you could totally “adopt” some neighborhood kids (or go through some sort of volunteer program) if you’re missing out on having some young kids in your life.

Anonymous wrote:My sister has been married for over 25 years. She's successful, has many friends, and is very active and well known in her community. Her husband had been married before, young, it ended ugly, and he has (now grown) children. He told her when they were young enough that he'd have kids with her if that's what she wanted, but that if it were up to him alone he really didn't want more kids. She elected not to have any.

The other day she told me she "immensely regrets" her decision. I was surprised.

I'm just curious if anyone else reading this is in the same boat, and how you're dealing with it. I feel badly for her.

I know a 30-something who married a 70-something (yup) - she had a kid because she didn't want to be alone in a few years.

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Anonymous wrote:The grass is always greener, but you have to live with your choices. Kids aren’t easy.

Exactly. But you don't know what the other path looks like without going down it. We ended up in the opposite situation: we had kids but wish we didn't.

+1000

Anonymous wrote:The holidays can be a bad time if you decided not to have kids or were unable to have kids. Ask me how I know. (Not everyone can afford to adopt or find success in IVF.)

I was at peace with the decision not to bankrupt ourselves to have kids, but it is hard because I did not expect to be hit with grief and regret again when my friends started to become grandparents.

And it's even harder during the holidays.

And I imagine, even harder if your sister has step children who did not accept her, even more so than it would be for someone like me who has no kids in my life. She has to see what she could have had, but may feel like they don't want her around.

We are childfree by choice and the holidays are our most favorite of the year. Merry Xmas!

Anonymous wrote:The only people I know well who don't have kids are women who aged out of having them prior to finding the right relationship. They regret that they didn't have kids, but I suppose feel that it was out of their hands. They more generally regret how their lives turned out.
I personally tried to have kids as a single mother. Although it was not successful, I am very glad that I tried (despite the expense and toll it took on my life). I think that I would regret it if I hadn't.

You don’t know many people. I know plenty of childfree folks who also married late 20s and now in 50s. They seem to have the best relationships.

Anonymous wrote:I knew of someone who didn't want to have kids when they were married. I think she just went along with whatever the husband wanted. Ten years later, he was caught cheating and had a kid with someone else. Then, it was too late for her to have her own kids in her 40s. Meanwhile the ex-husband keeps posting wonderful pics of the new baby and how great life is with a child. That's painful to see. She has step-kids now.

What is the point of this story, though? Sounds like she didn't want kids and luckily she didn't have them with this sh*tty person.

Oh god no don’t regret not having kids. Best decision ever for us. Never had any interest. To each their own.