Anonymous
11/20/2021 00:13
Subject: Resentful, bitter young adult child (newly graduated)
Some people are just whiny. Not sure if it’s anxiety or low energy or high sensitivity but my DS who is much younger is a whiner too. Hopefully she will soon be on her own and maybe find a nice guy and will become his problem!
Anonymous
11/19/2021 23:04
Subject: Resentful, bitter young adult child (newly graduated)
Anonymous wrote:Does she have ADHD? Magical thinking is very common with that.
I would not discount what she says or gaslight her. Figure out what stings and find a way to step back and have a sense of humor. I would allow her to share what she thought you could have done differently. Then you could reflect back and share your side. "We tried to support your creative endeavors with x,y,z. I am hearing you say you wish we did a, b,c. We didn't do those because we needed to also spend money on other things and we wanted to make sure you could support yourself one day." Be careful about being defensive. If there is something you agree you could have done differently, agree with her. We all make mistakes. It's OK to admit them.
I would not write off the therapist yet. You don't know what the therapist is saying. All you know is the emoting from your daughter.
I would make it clear to her she has the freedom to pursue art on the side, but you cannot fund it. I do think gradually moving toward independent living will help her face reality. I would not take away therapy though because she needs emotional help as she transitions.
The cut ties statement from her is hystrionic and over the top. I might treat that like you do with a toddler saying I hate you. "I always love you and would be sad to cut ties, but I have to respect you are an adult and make your own choices. I would miss you, but I cannot force you to have a relationship you don't wish to have."
It's tough OP I know. It's just she is clearly struggling and if you do what some people say and cut off the therapy and tell her to get a life and move out and suck it up, I don't think it will go well. Gently help her out the door and make sure she has support and knows you love her even if she hates you.
Thisbis sound advice
Anonymous
11/19/2021 23:02
Subject: Resentful, bitter young adult child (newly graduated)
It's tough OP. Coming at this from the other side my mom would do a similar post I am sure if this existed when we were this age. She would make us sound nuts and irrational and she would sound so reasonable and together. She would have everyone rallying around her and thinking we were spoiled brats because we went to good schools fully paid for and took nice trips growing up.
She would leave out the following:
-She had a frightening temper and would threaten to murder our father as she waved a knife.
-She was so high strung the slightest thing could set off her anger. My friends never wanted to come to my house after witnessing it. Until then, they were charmed by her.
-She obsessed over our bodies. She once sobbed because I gained weight in college (still normal range) and she could not bare to see how I ruined my small waist, flat stomach and butt. Over the next few months I exercised and restricted and lost a lot of weight. She chastised me for looking to thin and making people think I either had a cancer or an ED (again was normal weight-just bottom of range).
I could give a long list, but she would have you convinced we were just ungrateful, spoiled monsters for not appreciating our privileged childhood. Lots of gaslighting and you just give up and have a superficial relationship.
She would leave out the following:
-She had a frightening temper and would threaten to murder our father as she waved a knife.
-She was so high strung the slightest thing could set off her anger. My friends never wanted to come to my house after witnessing it. Until then, they were charmed by her.
-She obsessed over our bodies. She once sobbed because I gained weight in college (still normal range) and she could not bare to see how I ruined my small waist, flat stomach and butt. Over the next few months I exercised and restricted and lost a lot of weight. She chastised me for looking to thin and making people think I either had a cancer or an ED (again was normal weight-just bottom of range).
I could give a long list, but she would have you convinced we were just ungrateful, spoiled monsters for not appreciating our privileged childhood. Lots of gaslighting and you just give up and have a superficial relationship.
Anonymous
11/19/2021 22:44
Subject: Re:Resentful, bitter young adult child (newly graduated)
There is one other thing she does that I personally think is weird. She's into angel numbers. So we'll see 111 on a license plate and she'll point it out and s aay something like look those are lucky numbers showing me that when one door closes another opens. I see her point out a number twice a week. She also writes down her dreams and journals. She does this once or twice a week. Does a sort of dream interpretation in her journal. I think that is a little magical thinking. But then again I have a young colleague who was talking about angel numbers. So maybe that's just a thing with gen z. I want her to start seeing dollar signs so she gets the message from the universe to make her own money. I still think angel numbers is weird. I'd never tell her that though. I just listen and act mildly interested. But I'm not a new age type. I
Anonymous
11/19/2021 22:10
Subject: Resentful, bitter young adult child (newly graduated)
I think she had mild add as dies her dad. When she has lots to do she makes a list and starts checking off. She said lists give her control and order and focus. So this weekend shell have a list of ten things she needs to complete. Laundry, household stiff, shopping list, errand. She'd make lists ok college for her classes and outline due dates assignments for classes. She is very structured. If we go on a holiday she always wants to have a general idea of plan. Lunch, dinner, afternoon activity, what to expect. Some days can be open ended and unplanned and relaxed but she likes to know if we were going on a family trip what the general big pictureitinerary is. She's always required structure and routine. I'm the same way. But I don't have add.
Anonymous
11/19/2021 22:02
Subject: Resentful, bitter young adult child (newly graduated)
Anonymous wrote:Does she have ADHD? Magical thinking is very common with that.
I would not discount what she says or gaslight her. Figure out what stings and find a way to step back and have a sense of humor. I would allow her to share what she thought you could have done differently. Then you could reflect back and share your side. "We tried to support your creative endeavors with x,y,z. I am hearing you say you wish we did a, b,c. We didn't do those because we needed to also spend money on other things and we wanted to make sure you could support yourself one day." Be careful about being defensive. If there is something you agree you could have done differently, agree with her. We all make mistakes. It's OK to admit them.
I would not write off the therapist yet. You don't know what the therapist is saying. All you know is the emoting from your daughter.
I think she had mild add as dies her dad. When she has lots to do she makes a list and starts checking off. She said lists give her control and order and focus. So this weekend shell have a list of ten things she needs to complete. Laundry, household stiff, shopping list, errand. She'd make lists ok college for her classes and outline due dates assignments for classes. She is very structured. If we go on a holiday she always wants to have a general idea of plan. Lunch, dinner, afternoon activity, what to expect. She's always required structure and routine. I'm the same way. But I don't have add.
I would make it clear to her she has the freedom to pursue art on the side, but you cannot fund it. I do think gradually moving toward independent living will help her face reality. I would not take away therapy though because she needs emotional help as she transitions.
The cut ties statement from her is hystrionic and over the top. I might treat that like you do with a toddler saying I hate you. "I always love you and would be sad to cut ties, but I have to respect you are an adult and make your own choices. I would miss you, but I cannot force you to have a relationship you don't wish to have."
It's tough OP I know. It's just she is clearly struggling and if you do what some people say and cut off the therapy and tell her to get a life and move out and suck it up, I don't think it will go well. Gently help her out the door and make sure she has support and knows you love her even if she hates you.
Anonymous
11/19/2021 21:57
Subject: Re:Resentful, bitter young adult child (newly graduated)
You parented the kid you wanted instead of the kid you got… you reap what you sow.
Anonymous
11/19/2021 21:53
Subject: Re:Resentful, bitter young adult child (newly graduated)
Anonymous wrote:OP, I hope you are still reading comments, is this therapist local to DC? I ask because one of my siblings started going to a therapist locally about a year ago and came out of that completely playing victim and cutting ties with one of my parents, it honestly felt like it came out of nowhere as she really loved this parent, a lot of the psych babble you mentioned is very similar to what she repeated. This therapist seems to have done more damage than good.
Where was she from? I answered in other box. But this lady is Rockville, 55 to 60 plus, I've never met her.
Anonymous
11/19/2021 21:52
Subject: Re:Resentful, bitter young adult child (newly graduated)
Anonymous wrote:OP, would your daughter allow you to speak to the therapist to provide your input and figure out together how you can best support her to transition to “adulting?” You mentioned earlier in your post your daughter was blaming you for her poor grades/performance. I would ask her to elaborate on this. Does she feel she had some special needs that were not addressed growing up or she truly accepts no responsibility for her failures? The way you describe her raises red flags for narcissistic personality traits for me, the nothing is good enough for me, I’m better than this mentality, entitlement, while being fearful of failure so she puts no effort and places blame on others.
I do wonder if she has some narcissist self involved tendencies. Not full blown BC she's very empathetic but I do see some self involved behaviour.
Anonymous
11/19/2021 21:49
Subject: Re:Resentful, bitter young adult child (newly graduated)
Therapist is a 55-60 plus type woman. Rockville.
As far as questions saying on how she functions in general, room is orderly, eats well, manages her own laundry cleaning, takes care of her pet daily, , prepares foods, collects antiques, restores furniture, plays piano frequently always kinesthetic. She said it grounds her to keep busy with hands. Meditates at night to relax, reads a lot, introverted doesn't have as many friends now that college is done. She does not drink and she said most of her college friends still like to bar hop. She only did that in college and got bored after a couple years. I do think she is a little introverted and should get out with people her own age more
As far as questions saying on how she functions in general, room is orderly, eats well, manages her own laundry cleaning, takes care of her pet daily, , prepares foods, collects antiques, restores furniture, plays piano frequently always kinesthetic. She said it grounds her to keep busy with hands. Meditates at night to relax, reads a lot, introverted doesn't have as many friends now that college is done. She does not drink and she said most of her college friends still like to bar hop. She only did that in college and got bored after a couple years. I do think she is a little introverted and should get out with people her own age more
Anonymous
11/19/2021 21:49
Subject: Re:Resentful, bitter young adult child (newly graduated)
OP, would your daughter allow you to speak to the therapist to provide your input and figure out together how you can best support her to transition to “adulting?” You mentioned earlier in your post your daughter was blaming you for her poor grades/performance. I would ask her to elaborate on this. Does she feel she had some special needs that were not addressed growing up or she truly accepts no responsibility for her failures? The way you describe her raises red flags for narcissistic personality traits for me, the nothing is good enough for me, I’m better than this mentality, entitlement, while being fearful of failure so she puts no effort and places blame on others.
Anonymous
11/19/2021 21:34
Subject: Re:Resentful, bitter young adult child (newly graduated)
OP, I hope you are still reading comments, is this therapist local to DC? I ask because one of my siblings started going to a therapist locally about a year ago and came out of that completely playing victim and cutting ties with one of my parents, it honestly felt like it came out of nowhere as she really loved this parent, a lot of the psych babble you mentioned is very similar to what she repeated. This therapist seems to have done more damage than good.
Anonymous
11/19/2021 21:25
Subject: Resentful, bitter young adult child (newly graduated)
Anonymous wrote:Does she have ADHD? Magical thinking is very common with that.
I would not discount what she says or gaslight her. Figure out what stings and find a way to step back and have a sense of humor. I would allow her to share what she thought you could have done differently. Then you could reflect back and share your side. "We tried to support your creative endeavors with x,y,z. I am hearing you say you wish we did a, b,c. We didn't do those because we needed to also spend money on other things and we wanted to make sure you could support yourself one day." Be careful about being defensive. If there is something you agree you could have done differently, agree with her. We all make mistakes. It's OK to admit them.
I would not write off the therapist yet. You don't know what the therapist is saying. All you know is the emoting from your daughter.
I would make it clear to her she has the freedom to pursue art on the side, but you cannot fund it. I do think gradually moving toward independent living will help her face reality. I would not take away therapy though because she needs emotional help as she transitions.
The cut ties statement from her is hystrionic and over the top. I might treat that like you do with a toddler saying I hate you. "I always love you and would be sad to cut ties, but I have to respect you are an adult and make your own choices. I would miss you, but I cannot force you to have a relationship you don't wish to have."
It's tough OP I know. It's just she is clearly struggling and if you do what some people say and cut off the therapy and tell her to get a life and move out and suck it up, I don't think it will go well. Gently help her out the door and make sure she has support and knows you love her even if she hates you.
Forgot to mention..has she had a psychiatric evaluation. This may be significant depression talking and meds could help. She has a right to her feelings. I would explore with her what she wanted from you and see if you can offer some of that or if she just needs to accept you are not wired that way. I would also want to know if she is functioning in life. Is she doing OK in this job or getting bad evaluations? Does she have friends? Social life?
I would be careful about blaming the therapist. Your child is wired differently and trying to work through some things. Your response could built a bridge or make things worse. Be open to hearing what she says and understanding her. I could easily list of off a 100 mistakes I made and it my kids brought them up I would fully admit them. Leave out the "I did my best." Just own it and move on. There is no need to defend. We all make mistakes and we just try to move forward.
Anonymous
11/19/2021 21:20
Subject: Resentful, bitter young adult child (newly graduated)
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Seems like she should start working on her art in her spare time and put that marketing degree to use for herself and learn how to market her art so it sells.
I'm sure in some ways she is being dramatic and selfish, but there are 2 sides to every story.
Agreed. I did suggest that her marketing background could be a benefit to launching her website. She started to work on it but lost interest. There are always two sides, agreed. That's why I don't want to diminish her feelings BC those are valid. But it is painful when you're told you failed as a mother. She on my took this current job BC we started pressuring her to apply for more jobs as we were coming up to a year since graduation and I am tiring if the extended adolescence. She turned down three jobs prior to accepting this one.
I just don't like this victim mentality her therapist seems to feed into.
Your daughter seems to be delusional and possible at onset of mental illness, her therapist playing hardball with her the way you want her too would not get you the results you think it would.
Creativity is not a mental illness per se, although creative people may be more prone to mental illness.
Not sure being hard line/ black and white approach will help much here. As the way more mature grown up, OP needs to help heal the relationship for both of their sakes.
Life will knock a lot of the nonsense out of her. It is good if parents can be a safe place to call home while setting realistic boundaries, which OP is already doing.
Her creativity isn't the mental illness part, The part where where she thinks she's going to make thousands with what is likely marginal and cliche talent with very little work and research, life will be better in europe, the nwo is coming beliefs, her refusal to work eyc . rtx, many severe mental illnesses start around her age
I don’t think that’s necessarily mental illness, I think it’s more a result of social media. Everyone *looks* like they’re getting rich from their passions, even though it’s an illusion and most aren’t. But it’s so easy to buy into the lie that you can do it and that it’s easy.
Anonymous
11/19/2021 21:14
Subject: Resentful, bitter young adult child (newly graduated)
Does she have ADHD? Magical thinking is very common with that.
I would not discount what she says or gaslight her. Figure out what stings and find a way to step back and have a sense of humor. I would allow her to share what she thought you could have done differently. Then you could reflect back and share your side. "We tried to support your creative endeavors with x,y,z. I am hearing you say you wish we did a, b,c. We didn't do those because we needed to also spend money on other things and we wanted to make sure you could support yourself one day." Be careful about being defensive. If there is something you agree you could have done differently, agree with her. We all make mistakes. It's OK to admit them.
I would not write off the therapist yet. You don't know what the therapist is saying. All you know is the emoting from your daughter.
I would make it clear to her she has the freedom to pursue art on the side, but you cannot fund it. I do think gradually moving toward independent living will help her face reality. I would not take away therapy though because she needs emotional help as she transitions.
The cut ties statement from her is hystrionic and over the top. I might treat that like you do with a toddler saying I hate you. "I always love you and would be sad to cut ties, but I have to respect you are an adult and make your own choices. I would miss you, but I cannot force you to have a relationship you don't wish to have."
It's tough OP I know. It's just she is clearly struggling and if you do what some people say and cut off the therapy and tell her to get a life and move out and suck it up, I don't think it will go well. Gently help her out the door and make sure she has support and knows you love her even if she hates you.
I would not discount what she says or gaslight her. Figure out what stings and find a way to step back and have a sense of humor. I would allow her to share what she thought you could have done differently. Then you could reflect back and share your side. "We tried to support your creative endeavors with x,y,z. I am hearing you say you wish we did a, b,c. We didn't do those because we needed to also spend money on other things and we wanted to make sure you could support yourself one day." Be careful about being defensive. If there is something you agree you could have done differently, agree with her. We all make mistakes. It's OK to admit them.
I would not write off the therapist yet. You don't know what the therapist is saying. All you know is the emoting from your daughter.
I would make it clear to her she has the freedom to pursue art on the side, but you cannot fund it. I do think gradually moving toward independent living will help her face reality. I would not take away therapy though because she needs emotional help as she transitions.
The cut ties statement from her is hystrionic and over the top. I might treat that like you do with a toddler saying I hate you. "I always love you and would be sad to cut ties, but I have to respect you are an adult and make your own choices. I would miss you, but I cannot force you to have a relationship you don't wish to have."
It's tough OP I know. It's just she is clearly struggling and if you do what some people say and cut off the therapy and tell her to get a life and move out and suck it up, I don't think it will go well. Gently help her out the door and make sure she has support and knows you love her even if she hates you.