Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the purpose were actually to celebrate OP, the shower would be held at a time and place convenient for her. This shower is clearly for the convenience of the host. I despise highway driving under the best of circumstances and would certainly not drive 10 hours for this. That seems insane to me. If they want to celebrate there, they should plan a sip and see around a full visit.

Do you really think the person who won't come in for a baby shower will get more relaxed about this sort of visit after the baby is born?

Relaxed about what? Presumably they visit OP's ILs from time to time. My point is that an event should be planned around an existing visit. That's what my ILs in NY did. Planning to drive for ten hours for a baby shower is deranged.

So now OP and husband can plan a visit around the weekend that the shower is being held.

I wouldn't travel that far by car for just a weekend. When we go visit my ILs by car, we go for a week. If DH or I need to make a work trip or something, we fly or take the train. I am particularly not into the idea of doing this for a shower. In my experience, showers are almost always desired only by the person hosting and not by the honoree. Everyone I know had kids in their 30s and didn't need financial help, but had showers forced on them by older relatives who for some reason love the idea. Having a baby is a great time to start establishing boundaries with extended family.

That’s really sad.

Happy, loving families enjoy family celebrations such as baby showers.

Happily married couples value each others family.

How is making arrangements that are MUTUALLY convenient and enjoyable inconsistent with valuing family?

Wonder how many of these guilt tripping posters are 60 year old MILs who have pulled the shower stunt themselves. I would be ashamed to ask a pregnant woman carrying my grandkid to put in 10 highway hours and travel during covid because I was too lazy to drive, personally.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the purpose were actually to celebrate OP, the shower would be held at a time and place convenient for her. This shower is clearly for the convenience of the host. I despise highway driving under the best of circumstances and would certainly not drive 10 hours for this. That seems insane to me. If they want to celebrate there, they should plan a sip and see around a full visit.

Do you really think the person who won't come in for a baby shower will get more relaxed about this sort of visit after the baby is born?

Relaxed about what? Presumably they visit OP's ILs from time to time. My point is that an event should be planned around an existing visit. That's what my ILs in NY did. Planning to drive for ten hours for a baby shower is deranged.

So now OP and husband can plan a visit around the weekend that the shower is being held.

I wouldn't travel that far by car for just a weekend. When we go visit my ILs by car, we go for a week. If DH or I need to make a work trip or something, we fly or take the train. I am particularly not into the idea of doing this for a shower. In my experience, showers are almost always desired only by the person hosting and not by the honoree. Everyone I know had kids in their 30s and didn't need financial help, but had showers forced on them by older relatives who for some reason love the idea. Having a baby is a great time to start establishing boundaries with extended family.

That’s really sad.

Happy, loving families enjoy family celebrations such as baby showers.

Happily married couples value each others family.

Everybody studiously ignoring the already existing, convenient-to-the-pregnant-woman shower.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the purpose were actually to celebrate OP, the shower would be held at a time and place convenient for her. This shower is clearly for the convenience of the host. I despise highway driving under the best of circumstances and would certainly not drive 10 hours for this. That seems insane to me. If they want to celebrate there, they should plan a sip and see around a full visit.

Do you really think the person who won't come in for a baby shower will get more relaxed about this sort of visit after the baby is born?

Relaxed about what? Presumably they visit OP's ILs from time to time. My point is that an event should be planned around an existing visit. That's what my ILs in NY did. Planning to drive for ten hours for a baby shower is deranged.

So now OP and husband can plan a visit around the weekend that the shower is being held.

I wouldn't travel that far by car for just a weekend. When we go visit my ILs by car, we go for a week. If DH or I need to make a work trip or something, we fly or take the train. I am particularly not into the idea of doing this for a shower. In my experience, showers are almost always desired only by the person hosting and not by the honoree. Everyone I know had kids in their 30s and didn't need financial help, but had showers forced on them by older relatives who for some reason love the idea. Having a baby is a great time to start establishing boundaries with extended family.

That’s really sad.

Happy, loving families enjoy family celebrations such as baby showers.

Happily married couples value each others family.

How is making arrangements that are MUTUALLY convenient and enjoyable inconsistent with valuing family?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the purpose were actually to celebrate OP, the shower would be held at a time and place convenient for her. This shower is clearly for the convenience of the host. I despise highway driving under the best of circumstances and would certainly not drive 10 hours for this. That seems insane to me. If they want to celebrate there, they should plan a sip and see around a full visit.

Do you really think the person who won't come in for a baby shower will get more relaxed about this sort of visit after the baby is born?

Relaxed about what? Presumably they visit OP's ILs from time to time. My point is that an event should be planned around an existing visit. That's what my ILs in NY did. Planning to drive for ten hours for a baby shower is deranged.

So now OP and husband can plan a visit around the weekend that the shower is being held.

I wouldn't travel that far by car for just a weekend. When we go visit my ILs by car, we go for a week. If DH or I need to make a work trip or something, we fly or take the train. I am particularly not into the idea of doing this for a shower. In my experience, showers are almost always desired only by the person hosting and not by the honoree. Everyone I know had kids in their 30s and didn't need financial help, but had showers forced on them by older relatives who for some reason love the idea. Having a baby is a great time to start establishing boundaries with extended family.

That’s really sad.

Happy, loving families enjoy family celebrations such as baby showers.

Happily married couples value each others family.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the purpose were actually to celebrate OP, the shower would be held at a time and place convenient for her. This shower is clearly for the convenience of the host. I despise highway driving under the best of circumstances and would certainly not drive 10 hours for this. That seems insane to me. If they want to celebrate there, they should plan a sip and see around a full visit.

Do you really think the person who won't come in for a baby shower will get more relaxed about this sort of visit after the baby is born?

Relaxed about what? Presumably they visit OP's ILs from time to time. My point is that an event should be planned around an existing visit. That's what my ILs in NY did. Planning to drive for ten hours for a baby shower is deranged.

So now OP and husband can plan a visit around the weekend that the shower is being held.

I wouldn't travel that far by car for just a weekend. When we go visit my ILs by car, we go for a week. If DH or I need to make a work trip or something, we fly or take the train. I am particularly not into the idea of doing this for a shower. In my experience, showers are almost always desired only by the person hosting and not by the honoree. Everyone I know had kids in their 30s and didn't need financial help, but had showers forced on them by older relatives who for some reason love the idea. Having a baby is a great time to start establishing boundaries with extended family.

If you generally like them, I would do it. Plan it for when you are 6 months pregnant, so you won't be so uncomfortable. And ensure your DH goes with you for the weekend.

The first baby is an exciting time. I'd lean into that, especially from family you like and who are related to your husband.

After the baby is born, feel free to set a limit on the 5 hour drive, because it sucks WAY MORE with an infant than pregnant.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why the nonpregnant people are not the ones travelling.

Because they’re the ones hosting the shower.

I can't believe the family would want a heavily pregnant woman to drive 5 hours for a baby shower. It's really not that important of an event and typically incredibly boring.

Okay, let’s go with that. DH’s family is generously welcoming the baby into their extended family. If OP treats it as an unimportant “boring” event, I hope she’s not surprised when more unimportant, boring events like birthdays and graduations and holidays in the future of her child’s life get treated by DH’s family as the unimportant, boring events that they are. Please remember this post when OP comes back in a few years because DH’s family is more focused on other kids in the family then on hers. This is one of those actions-have-consequences moments.

DH's family are the ones displaying this attitude because they can't be bothered to travel to the already scheduled shower, expecting the pregnant woman to come to them. During covid.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why the nonpregnant people are not the ones travelling.

Because they’re the ones hosting the shower.

OP is hosting her own shower. They are too lazy to show up.

Many many giftgiving-zillas on DCUM think that they can take time commitments from people because they're spending some money. Pretty ugly.

Can you make DH do the driving? I think it would be good to go, but I absolutely wouldn't want to sign up for that much driving when that pregnant. I don't commute by car or drive on the highway normally so I would hate driving to NJ/NY even without back pain/feeling miserable.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be a little put out by their expectation that I travel, but I would go. (Who throws a party for someone that's five hours away from where they live?)

Because, obviously, DH's family is from NJ/NY and all live there. Presumably he also has friends there. Also lresumably he's the one that moved away. If he's Irish or Italian there will be no fewer than 20 relatives attending maybe not including neighbors, friends, you name it!

+1 that's how I read this, too. My husband comes from a massive Portuguese family that's based in NJ. They not only threw us an extra wedding shower, but an extra wedding (we'd had our actual wedding in DC but many relatives couldn't travel and it meant a lot to DH's mother that we have this second ceremony where they could be).

To me, however much I did not want these showers or extra ceremonies - I also did not want to start my relationship in this family being the one who was inflexible and wouldn't do what mattered to my in laws. They early on put up a fight about our plan to get married in DC instead of NJ, then they gave on that when we agreed to do these other things up by then. What's the difference - obviously no one likes a wedding shower, and who wants to spend more time in an air conditioned banquet hall, but it meant something to my husband's parents. So we did it.

Who wants to make THIS the thing that you start fighting over? Just go. Get some presents. Eat some cake. Sleep in an uncomfortable bed for one lousy night.

Anonymous wrote:I would be a little put out by their expectation that I travel, but I would go. (Who throws a party for someone that's five hours away from where they live?)

Because, obviously, DH's family is from NJ/NY and all live there. Presumably he also has friends there. Also lresumably he's the one that moved away. If he's Irish or Italian there will be no fewer than 20 relatives attending maybe not including neighbors, friends, you name it!

I did this exact thing, multiple times. DC to NY, pretty standard drive. I've done it for friends, when I was expecting, etc. Suck it up!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why the nonpregnant people are not the ones travelling.

Because they’re the ones hosting the shower.

I can't believe the family would want a heavily pregnant woman to drive 5 hours for a baby shower. It's really not that important of an event and typically incredibly boring.

Okay, let’s go with that. DH’s family is generously welcoming the baby into their extended family. If OP treats it as an unimportant “boring” event, I hope she’s not surprised when more unimportant, boring events like birthdays and graduations and holidays in the future of her child’s life get treated by DH’s family as the unimportant, boring events that they are. Please remember this post when OP comes back in a few years because DH’s family is more focused on other kids in the family then on hers. This is one of those actions-have-consequences moments.

PP, stop being dramatic. This is not an "actions have consequences moment" that will alter future child's life forever. It's not that big of a deal. If everyone insists on doing a shower right now a virtual option is always an option.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why the nonpregnant people are not the ones travelling.

Because they’re the ones hosting the shower.

I can't believe the family would want a heavily pregnant woman to drive 5 hours for a baby shower. It's really not that important of an event and typically incredibly boring.

Okay, let’s go with that. DH’s family is generously welcoming the baby into their extended family. If OP treats it as an unimportant “boring” event, I hope she’s not surprised when more unimportant, boring events like birthdays and graduations and holidays in the future of her child’s life get treated by DH’s family as the unimportant, boring events that they are. Please remember this post when OP comes back in a few years because DH’s family is more focused on other kids in the family then on hers. This is one of those actions-have-consequences moments.

This is silly. Are the ILs expected to travel 5hrs every year for a birthday? I wouldn't think so. Baby showers are awkward and not fun for many of us. I wouldn't want to attend one under these circumstances, but I also hope my family would know me well enough to not host one so far away. Honor the baby when it's born and go spend some quality time with the ILs then. This is performative, relationship building once the baby is here is way more meaningful.

Are you insane. It’s a lot harder to travel with a baby than it is to travel while in your 6th or 7th month. And there will always be some excuse - baby is sick. or don’t want to expose the baby to this or that.

If OP truly wants to have a good relationship with ILs and if her pregnancy is going well and her OB doesn’t have an issue with it, she should go. If any of those things are not true then she should not go and hopefully her ILs will understand.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why the nonpregnant people are not the ones travelling.

Because they’re the ones hosting the shower.

I can't believe the family would want a heavily pregnant woman to drive 5 hours for a baby shower. It's really not that important of an event and typically incredibly boring.

Okay, let’s go with that. DH’s family is generously welcoming the baby into their extended family. If OP treats it as an unimportant “boring” event, I hope she’s not surprised when more unimportant, boring events like birthdays and graduations and holidays in the future of her child’s life get treated by DH’s family as the unimportant, boring events that they are. Please remember this post when OP comes back in a few years because DH’s family is more focused on other kids in the family then on hers. This is one of those actions-have-consequences moments.

This is silly. Are the ILs expected to travel 5hrs every year for a birthday? I wouldn't think so. Baby showers are awkward and not fun for many of us. I wouldn't want to attend one under these circumstances, but I also hope my family would know me well enough to not host one so far away. Honor the baby when it's born and go spend some quality time with the ILs then. This is performative, relationship building once the baby is here is way more meaningful.