Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So on behalf of a friend I am so annoyed. Her DH ran off with a subordinate at work (they all work at the same place); the subordinate was also married with kids (he has two with my friend). The two cheaters both divorced and are now together and it has been going on for a total of four years, on and off, with divorce just final 3m ago. Meanwhile cheaters are very happy, no one seems to know or care that they were affair partners, and my friend who was so sweet and lovely is bitter angry and devastated. Not the way things usually turn out if you listen to the people on this board who tell you the APs never wind up together or happy. It’s annoying.

She needs to accept her situation, work on her bitterness and let go. It was not her fault. If she's going to hold to bitterness towards her ex she will never be happy. She is drinking poison. Let go.

How much do you want to be that the situation OP describes is another sexless marriage? The plot twist here is that the husband didn't just put up with it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So on behalf of a friend I am so annoyed. Her DH ran off with a subordinate at work (they all work at the same place); the subordinate was also married with kids (he has two with my friend). The two cheaters both divorced and are now together and it has been going on for a total of four years, on and off, with divorce just final 3m ago. Meanwhile cheaters are very happy, no one seems to know or care that they were affair partners, and my friend who was so sweet and lovely is bitter angry and devastated. Not the way things usually turn out if you listen to the people on this board who tell you the APs never wind up together or happy. It’s annoying.

She needs to accept her situation, work on her bitterness and let go. It was not her fault. If she's going to hold to bitterness towards her ex she will never be happy. She is drinking poison. Let go.

Anonymous wrote:So on behalf of a friend I am so annoyed. Her DH ran off with a subordinate at work (they all work at the same place); the subordinate was also married with kids (he has two with my friend). The two cheaters both divorced and are now together and it has been going on for a total of four years, on and off, with divorce just final 3m ago. Meanwhile cheaters are very happy, no one seems to know or care that they were affair partners, and my friend who was so sweet and lovely is bitter angry and devastated. Not the way things usually turn out if you listen to the people on this board who tell you the APs never wind up together or happy. It’s annoying.

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Anonymous wrote:I don’t think anything can really give you equanimity after your husband runs off with his ten years younger student and is now introducing your kids to her, your kids who don’t yet know that she was the AP or that the divorce was because of infidelity. She’s 42 and they were together for like 15 years. The OW is 30. He is a seriously immature person and I don’t see a grown up in their relationship, but it won’t matter bc he is independently wealthy. She will have kids, my friends kids will have half siblings, it just sucks to lose creative control of your family.

You never have as much control over your family as you think She does however have 100% control over her attitude. Sure it was shitty but she can move forward and have an awesome lif if she so chooses.

She can have a great life but the kids are gonna be f’d up.

That's their choice to be effed up. My dad cheated and split up the family and I'm no more effed up than my friends who have parents who remained happily married for years and less effed up than the kids whose parents stayed together or were miserable or who split and spent the years post-divorce battling each other. A large part of how messed up they will be is how the adults in their life act their mom being miserable and her bestie telling them that they have no choice but to be effed up isn't going to work in their favor.

I doubt you are not f’d up. F’d people always compare thrr we mark each to their most f’d up friends.

I'm not effed up sorry that disappoints you and your world view that cheaters are doomed to screw everyone up for all eternity and everyone related to them must live a life of misery.
let's talk about you, you must be pretty effed up to be so invested in your friend's personal life that you are upset her ex isn't receiving sufficient karma ( I mean you've posted 2 threads on this alreayd pretty freaking obsessive), it's also telling that you seem to want the kids and your friends to be effed up, you want me, someone, you don't know to be effed up. That makes you a pretty effed-up and toxic person.

Oh come on. No parent is perfect and we are all impacted by the consequences of their actions. I have good relationships and I’m a pretty good mom and a functional human being but I know I have issues that I need to process.

I didn't say my parents are perfect. I said I'm not a uniquely effed up person. If it makes you feel better to believe you are irrevocably damaged by your childhood and want to process that until your 70 go right ahead, not everyone feels the same way.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get that your friend is devastated, hurt, betrayed and she is watching him run off to be happy while she is alone however she isn't helping herself by becoming bitter.

I read a great saying ages ago, that was something similar to 'bitterness, resentment or anger is like drinking poison but expecting the other person to get sick'.

At some stage your friend needs to help herself otherwise she will drown in her bitterness. She needs to focus on herself and turn away from them and what is happening in their lives. Its hard but she needs to.

Perhaps when she is ready if she stops looking at them and really looks at her marriage she may look back and see it wasn't what she thought it was. Then perhaps she can look at her ex and see who he really is. It will eventually hopefully look really unappealing to her.

This is true but it doesn’t mean that I can’t feel sorry for people who have gotten screwed. I feel the same way about people struggling because of all kinds of harm. And it’s really easy from the outside to say to people who are still bitter about an abusive mother or an absentee father or whatever that they need to let it go. Of course they do but I don’t blame them for struggling with it.

This isn’t obsessing over it, it’s just having an opinion and feelings about it when the topic comes up.

You've made 2 threads on this topic. Time to move on. It's one thing to feel compassion and empathy for a friend it's another thing to coopt their pain for your own personal drama.

I am OP and I didn’t write this. And you are a nasty person.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get that your friend is devastated, hurt, betrayed and she is watching him run off to be happy while she is alone however she isn't helping herself by becoming bitter.

I read a great saying ages ago, that was something similar to 'bitterness, resentment or anger is like drinking poison but expecting the other person to get sick'.

At some stage your friend needs to help herself otherwise she will drown in her bitterness. She needs to focus on herself and turn away from them and what is happening in their lives. Its hard but she needs to.

Perhaps when she is ready if she stops looking at them and really looks at her marriage she may look back and see it wasn't what she thought it was. Then perhaps she can look at her ex and see who he really is. It will eventually hopefully look really unappealing to her.

This is true but it doesn’t mean that I can’t feel sorry for people who have gotten screwed. I feel the same way about people struggling because of all kinds of harm. And it’s really easy from the outside to say to people who are still bitter about an abusive mother or an absentee father or whatever that they need to let it go. Of course they do but I don’t blame them for struggling with it.

This isn’t obsessing over it, it’s just having an opinion and feelings about it when the topic comes up.

You've made 2 threads on this topic. Time to move on. It's one thing to feel compassion and empathy for a friend it's another thing to coopt their pain for your own personal drama.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Wow. A lot of you need help. This is NOT normal.

It’s not normal to care about people being hurt and to wish that those at fault experienced consequences for their actions even if it doesn’t directly impact you?

Weird I thought that was a normal thing. It’s the only reason I volunteer.

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Anonymous wrote:I don’t think anything can really give you equanimity after your husband runs off with his ten years younger student and is now introducing your kids to her, your kids who don’t yet know that she was the AP or that the divorce was because of infidelity. She’s 42 and they were together for like 15 years. The OW is 30. He is a seriously immature person and I don’t see a grown up in their relationship, but it won’t matter bc he is independently wealthy. She will have kids, my friends kids will have half siblings, it just sucks to lose creative control of your family.

You never have as much control over your family as you think She does however have 100% control over her attitude. Sure it was shitty but she can move forward and have an awesome lif if she so chooses.

She can have a great life but the kids are gonna be f’d up.

That's their choice to be effed up. My dad cheated and split up the family and I'm no more effed up than my friends who have parents who remained happily married for years and less effed up than the kids whose parents stayed together or were miserable or who split and spent the years post-divorce battling each other. A large part of how messed up they will be is how the adults in their life act their mom being miserable and her bestie telling them that they have no choice but to be effed up isn't going to work in their favor.

I doubt you are not f’d up. F’d people always compare thrr we mark each to their most f’d up friends.

I'm not effed up sorry that disappoints you and your world view that cheaters are doomed to screw everyone up for all eternity and everyone related to them must live a life of misery.
let's talk about you, you must be pretty effed up to be so invested in your friend's personal life that you are upset her ex isn't receiving sufficient karma ( I mean you've posted 2 threads on this alreayd pretty freaking obsessive), it's also telling that you seem to want the kids and your friends to be effed up, you want me, someone, you don't know to be effed up. That makes you a pretty effed-up and toxic person.

Are you cheating? You seem to be having a strong reaction to this.

It’s more likely that he would do it since his dad did it. Children of cheaters cheat.

I am actually a woman, and no I do not treat. The people having a strong reaction are the pair of you, insisting that someone must be effed up for the rest of their lives and that people must be cheaters if they disagree with your stance that the cheated on wife and spouse don't have to be damaged for the rest of their lives. I'm sorry your husband cheated on you, that sucks, but get help move on living in bitterness and misery onlyhurts you.

NP. Pretty sure you aren’t a woman.

You think you would be happy to know that just because their dad cheated a person isn't doomed to be damaged and miserable forevermore, instead, you argue about it accuse me of lying. I could borrow your tactics and say you are a troll. But that's not it, you are stuck.

I'm sure you think it helps you to believe that all men are evil, all men are cheaters and every single woman on the planet believes that all cheaters are absolutely evil and that the victims of cheating are doomed. IT fits your narrative of perpetual victim it's what you cling to avoid going to therapy or to avoid doing the assignments your therapist has given you. I'm a victim I have no control over anything in my life everything bad that has happned to me is because of my ex, I must be miserable because of my ex. You're giving an awful lot of power to someone who doesn't give a damn about you. But it it must be working for you so keep going with the forever damage dwomen narrative in your life.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ But obviously lots of emotionally healthy people disagree with you and do care. I’m one. Never been cheated on but I think cheaters have a massive character defect that likely manifests itself in other areas of their life.

I think cheaters have bad character. They are liars. And, most of all, I just find them absolutely pathetic. Selfish, immature and entitled. Zero integrity.

Betrayal is a really bad flaw.

It’s one of the big sins. Adultery.

It's number 7 out of 10, Not as bad as saying the lord's name in vain, but worse than stealing.

The 10 Commandments List, Short Form
You shall have no other gods before Me.
You shall not make idols.
You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain.
Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy.
Honor your father and your mother.
You shall not murder.
You shall not commit adultery.
You shall not steal.
You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.
You shall not covet.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Wow. A lot of you need help. This is NOT normal.

It’s not normal to care about people being hurt and to wish that those at fault experienced consequences for their actions even if it doesn’t directly impact you?

Weird I thought that was a normal thing. It’s the only reason I volunteer.

2 threads on the topic are more than enough. You aren't concerned about the friend you are looking for drama. If you were concerned you would be asking about how to help her move forward not opining about cheaters not getting karma.

It’s not the same person making those threads, is it?

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think anything can really give you equanimity after your husband runs off with his ten years younger student and is now introducing your kids to her, your kids who don’t yet know that she was the AP or that the divorce was because of infidelity. She’s 42 and they were together for like 15 years. The OW is 30. He is a seriously immature person and I don’t see a grown up in their relationship, but it won’t matter bc he is independently wealthy. She will have kids, my friends kids will have half siblings, it just sucks to lose creative control of your family.

You never have as much control over your family as you think She does however have 100% control over her attitude. Sure it was shitty but she can move forward and have an awesome lif if she so chooses.

She can have a great life but the kids are gonna be f’d up.

That's their choice to be effed up. My dad cheated and split up the family and I'm no more effed up than my friends who have parents who remained happily married for years and less effed up than the kids whose parents stayed together or were miserable or who split and spent the years post-divorce battling each other. A large part of how messed up they will be is how the adults in their life act their mom being miserable and her bestie telling them that they have no choice but to be effed up isn't going to work in their favor.

I doubt you are not f’d up. F’d people always compare thrr we mark each to their most f’d up friends.

I'm not effed up sorry that disappoints you and your world view that cheaters are doomed to screw everyone up for all eternity and everyone related to them must live a life of misery.
let's talk about you, you must be pretty effed up to be so invested in your friend's personal life that you are upset her ex isn't receiving sufficient karma ( I mean you've posted 2 threads on this alreayd pretty freaking obsessive), it's also telling that you seem to want the kids and your friends to be effed up, you want me, someone, you don't know to be effed up. That makes you a pretty effed-up and toxic person.

Are you cheating? You seem to be having a strong reaction to this.

It’s more likely that he would do it since his dad did it. Children of cheaters cheat.

I am actually a woman, and no I do not treat. The people having a strong reaction are the pair of you, insisting that someone must be effed up for the rest of their lives and that people must be cheaters if they disagree with your stance that the cheated on wife and spouse don't have to be damaged for the rest of their lives. I'm sorry your husband cheated on you, that sucks, but get help move on living in bitterness and misery onlyhurts you.

NP. Pretty sure you aren’t a woman.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Wow. A lot of you need help. This is NOT normal.

It’s not normal to care about people being hurt and to wish that those at fault experienced consequences for their actions even if it doesn’t directly impact you?

Weird I thought that was a normal thing. It’s the only reason I volunteer.

2 threads on the topic are more than enough. You aren't concerned about the friend you are looking for drama. If you were concerned you would be asking about how to help her move forward not opining about cheaters not getting karma.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Wow. A lot of you need help. This is NOT normal.

It’s not normal to care about people being hurt and to wish that those at fault experienced consequences for their actions even if it doesn’t directly impact you?

Weird I thought that was a normal thing. It’s the only reason I volunteer.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ But obviously lots of emotionally healthy people disagree with you and do care. I’m one. Never been cheated on but I think cheaters have a massive character defect that likely manifests itself in other areas of their life.

I think cheaters have bad character. They are liars. And, most of all, I just find them absolutely pathetic. Selfish, immature and entitled. Zero integrity.

Betrayal is a really bad flaw.

It’s one of the big sins. Adultery.

It's number 7 out of 10, Not as bad as saying the lord's name in vain, but worse than stealing.

The 10 Commandments List, Short Form
You shall have no other gods before Me.
You shall not make idols.
You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain.
Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy.
Honor your father and your mother.
You shall not murder.
You shall not commit adultery.
You shall not steal.
You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.
You shall not covet.

If we’re going biblical then heck, it’s considered an unforgivable sin and an unrepentant adulterer goes to hell.