Anonymous
10/28/2021 09:03
Subject: Wife backing out on having kids
Anonymous wrote:I truly hate the number of sexist trolls who have taken over this forum , who defend the woman no matter what.
The truth is they agreed to have children, OP still wants children. He needs to know if his wife does or not she owes him an answer and if she does not, it's time to part ways.
+1. There was a thread recently about this topic and almost all of the replies sided with OP and said that her husband being an MD was not a valid excuse. OP needs to leave her and find someone willing to have kids. No one is really wrong, but OPs wife needs to be honest with him. It’s not okay for OPs wife to keep giving him an excuse. OP needs to leave her if she doesn’t want kids.
Anonymous
10/28/2021 08:59
Subject: Wife backing out on having kids
For many this would be a deal breaker. It is okay if you feel this is a deal breaker for you. You are no longer a good match for marriage and life goals. She is stalling. You are also stalling in not being clear you feel time is up on this issue.
Anonymous
10/28/2021 08:59
Subject: Wife backing out on having kids
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:When is the last time you had a serious discussion on this issue? In my opinion, you should ask for a lunch or dinner date and preview what you want to discuss so she has time to mentally prepare, then explain to her that you need to have kids and you're ready now and see where she stands on the issue. You can't walk away from your marriage without giving her at least one more chance or it may haunt you. She may not understand how much this issue is weighing on you. Also, I think you need to be ready to discuss how involved you plan to be as a parent. She might be worried that she's going to end up doing 75% of the parenting plus work a stressful job.
She is not on “one more chance.” OP raised having a child 2 years ago and every 6 months since then. She blew him off every single time.
And she continues to take on more and more work. How much more clear does she have to be before OP gets the message? She does not want to have a child with OP.
Sorry not sorry; she doesn’t get another chance.
Lawyer up and divorce her now. You are not getting any younger OP. You deserve better than this.
But 2 years ago was 5 months before COVID shut down the world and made doctors lives hell. When she told OP she would think about it in 6months she didn't know that the 6 month mark was going to be the beginning of pregnant women being at super high risk of a novel virus that was going to turn the entire world upside down. And she's a Doctor - she's probably been in the thick of it.
Is OP understanding of how taxing and stressful a pregnancy would be for a doctor right now? My husband and I are going to TTC soon, but jesus, I'm nervous about COVID and I'm not surrounded by it all the time!
OP, carefully consider what you think parenting will look like. What do you want to do for childcare? How much leave are you going to take from work once a baby is born? How much childcare will you be doing - and I'm talking night wakings, bottles, diapers, laundry, pediatrician appt's, school pickup/drop off, looking for daycare, choosing daycare, paying kid bills, driving to/from playdates and extracurriculars, PLUS all the planning of those things. If you're not going to be doing at least 50% of all of the kid things (which includes minimal playing for the first several years and is mostly grunt work and NOT fun) then you should divorce her and find someone else who doesn't have a super demanding job.
the bolded is VERY valid. i wanted two kids originally and i said absolutely NOT (which husband was fine with) to a second one after the pandemic hit.
+1 I'm a physician and the past 18+ have been insane. You also mention crazy hours so there's a good chance she's in a hospital-based specialty as opposed to clinic/outpatient.
You've left out a lot the the relevant issues in this discussion. How old are you both? What is your career and do you have regular hours? When you have had a calm conversation about this, what are her barriers to being ready? Are you the kind of person who takes the lead on things at home, and do you plan to be the primary parent? It usually defaults to women but if you're committed to being the person who arranges/manages childcare, healthcare, pickups, bills, shopping and meals then she may feel more ready to move ahead.
DP. Um - many seem to blame the man here, including blaming him for “leaving things out.”
But you all projected the entire Covid/Dr. hours onto his situation, yet you know nothing about his wife’s situation. Almost like you are biased against men (as someone else suggested).
OP: when you brought up kids 2 years ago, your spouse answered you loud and clear:
- she took on even more extra work. Volunteered for it, sounds like. During Covid.
She is not planning for kids. To be fair to you: your clock is ticking and she has completely failed to respect you or anything you’ve repeatedly tried to bring up.
She wants to stay married and force you into a childless marriage. Divorce her, find someone younger and hotter, and live a happy life.
Sounds like you’re projecting and blaming the wife unnecessarily. We all know about the wife’s work situation because OP clearly stated she worked crazy hours and everyone knows how hard Covid has been on healthcare workers. If anything, ppl like you and me should be grateful there are doctors like OP’s wife in the world who are so dedicated they’re willing to work extra during a pandemic. If that doesn’t work for OP in terms of having kids, he should talk to his wife and divorce instead of complaining on here.
There was a thread recently where the OPs husband was an MD and wanted to push back having kids. Most of the replies were in favor of OP. Most talked about how dumb the idea was and her husband was clearing hiding the fact that he didn’t want kids. There are many more threads about this topic with replies that the man having a busy work schedule is not a valid excuse. Why is it in OPs wife’s case? Why is it okay to put blame on the man and not the woman?
Anonymous
10/28/2021 08:26
Subject: Wife backing out on having kids
Anonymous wrote:Before you decide that having kids is a dealbreaker, think about how much parenting you plan to do. If it isn’t at least half the work, then you really have no business pressuring her to have a child.
What a bizarre comment. Why would you assume he isn't prepared to do half the parenting work?
Anonymous
10/28/2021 08:22
Subject: Wife backing out on having kids
Freezing eggs is a good idea at least for now.
Anonymous
10/28/2021 07:40
Subject: Re:Wife backing out on having kids
Anonymous wrote:We are both 33. Agreement before marriage was at least one child and planned to start trying at 30. I’m a CRNA with an option (and expressed willingness) to take on reduced hours. Her parents are in the area and would be over the moon to help. I’ve always been attracted to how career oriented she is but now it’s just plain frustrating. I’m on the hook because she’s not saying she doesn’t want children, just not now. We both know we don’t have much more time. Last time I brought it up, it ended in a huge argument and she ended up sleeping in one of the guest rooms for a few days. Her solution was freezing her eggs and revisiting this topic again later. That’s not a solution to me. That’s prolonging the current cycle that I’ve been in for 2 years. We honestly don’t argue much at all but this topic shuts her down completely.
What reasons did she give for waiting during the last discussion you had? I don’t wanted a general summary of all her reasons over time, just what she’s currently saying.
Anonymous
10/28/2021 07:36
Subject: Wife backing out on having kids
I don’t see deciding to split as a mutual decision in this case. She is stringing you along OP. She doesn’t want kids. Not even one.
While you’ve already shown your flexibility and willingness to adjust your career for kids, she’s done the exact opposite: taken on even more work with relish. She is never giving that up.
Keep in mind also: you also have a biological clock. The older you get, the fewer swimmers you have, the more of them don’t work properly, and the chances of a Down’s syndrome child increase exponentially with every year. Don’t look to liquid nitrogen as a panacea.
Find a divorce lawyer and start the process right now.
Anonymous
10/28/2021 05:26
Subject: Re:Wife backing out on having kids
Anonymous wrote:We are both 33. Agreement before marriage was at least one child and planned to start trying at 30. I’m a CRNA with an option (and expressed willingness) to take on reduced hours. Her parents are in the area and would be over the moon to help. I’ve always been attracted to how career oriented she is but now it’s just plain frustrating. I’m on the hook because she’s not saying she doesn’t want children, just not now. We both know we don’t have much more time. Last time I brought it up, it ended in a huge argument and she ended up sleeping in one of the guest rooms for a few days. Her solution was freezing her eggs and revisiting this topic again later. That’s not a solution to me. That’s prolonging the current cycle that I’ve been in for 2 years. We honestly don’t argue much at all but this topic shuts her down completely.
This is really tough, OP. It’s a dealbreaker issue. I would invest some energy in finding a counselor to help you both navigate this conversation. It’s incredibly loaded. It has to happen, and you have to get to a resolution that you can both sign off on or you decide to split.
Anonymous
10/28/2021 04:45
Subject: Re:Wife backing out on having kids
Anonymous wrote:We are both 33. Agreement before marriage was at least one child and planned to start trying at 30. I’m a CRNA with an option (and expressed willingness) to take on reduced hours. Her parents are in the area and would be over the moon to help. I’ve always been attracted to how career oriented she is but now it’s just plain frustrating. I’m on the hook because she’s not saying she doesn’t want children, just not now. We both know we don’t have much more time. Last time I brought it up, it ended in a huge argument and she ended up sleeping in one of the guest rooms for a few days. Her solution was freezing her eggs and revisiting this topic again later. That’s not a solution to me. That’s prolonging the current cycle that I’ve been in for 2 years. We honestly don’t argue much at all but this topic shuts her down completely.
It seems like there is an underlying issue that she has causing her to want to delay. Maybe stress? The way you are framing this could be part of the issue. Sounds like she is overwhelmed right now, and it might be helpful to see if there is a way to relieve some of this.
Anonymous
10/28/2021 04:37
Subject: Re:Wife backing out on having kids
We are both 33. Agreement before marriage was at least one child and planned to start trying at 30. I’m a CRNA with an option (and expressed willingness) to take on reduced hours. Her parents are in the area and would be over the moon to help. I’ve always been attracted to how career oriented she is but now it’s just plain frustrating. I’m on the hook because she’s not saying she doesn’t want children, just not now. We both know we don’t have much more time. Last time I brought it up, it ended in a huge argument and she ended up sleeping in one of the guest rooms for a few days. Her solution was freezing her eggs and revisiting this topic again later. That’s not a solution to me. That’s prolonging the current cycle that I’ve been in for 2 years. We honestly don’t argue much at all but this topic shuts her down completely.
Anonymous
10/27/2021 22:28
Subject: Wife backing out on having kids
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Before you decide that having kids is a dealbreaker, think about how much parenting you plan to do. If it isn’t at least half the work, then you really have no business pressuring her to have a child.
THiS. My husband begged and begged and even told me he’d find someone else if I didn’t want kids (ok, I should have let him). After our son was born, he dug deeper at work, worked late and all the time, entertained clients, came and went as he pleased. I had to quit my job and do all the kid stuff. NOT OK
What was your agreement BEFORE marriage?
Anonymous
10/27/2021 22:23
Subject: Re:Wife backing out on having kids
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I think if OP really cared about this topic, he would have come back at some point and responded to questions.
He has to divorce his lying wife, or never be a father.
You don’t know this to be the case because OP hasn’t come back to answer any of the very many questions people have asked to understand the situation better.
Unless you’re OP sockpuppeting.
Anonymous
10/27/2021 22:08
Subject: Wife backing out on having kids
Anonymous wrote:Before you decide that having kids is a dealbreaker, think about how much parenting you plan to do. If it isn’t at least half the work, then you really have no business pressuring her to have a child.
THiS. My husband begged and begged and even told me he’d find someone else if I didn’t want kids (ok, I should have let him). After our son was born, he dug deeper at work, worked late and all the time, entertained clients, came and went as he pleased. I had to quit my job and do all the kid stuff. NOT OK
Anonymous
10/27/2021 21:34
Subject: Wife backing out on having kids
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Have you read or heard about the tremendous amount of guilt and shame heaped on physicians who try to cut back on their hours even prior to covid. Have you heard how many are struggling with mental health issues.
She may fear there is no possible way she can balance it all.
Balance is a MYTH. Let's be honest here.
The wife wants a busy career, not a child.
Anonymous
10/27/2021 21:33
Subject: Re:Wife backing out on having kids
Anonymous wrote:I think if OP really cared about this topic, he would have come back at some point and responded to questions.
He has to divorce his lying wife, or never be a father.