Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I knew I wanted marriage. I made clear while dating that I expected a ring before we would move in together, and that’s how it happened. We’re approaching 18 years of marriage now. But the key is that I knew what I wanted. What is it that you want?

OP here. I didn’t expect to why engaged before moving in. I’ve never lived with a boyfriend before and it’s all new territory. I trust his word and how he feels about me. Now I’m not so sure. Most of my family members have been married for 20+ years, with most being married for 40+ years. I trust their opinion since they are all very happily married. Some of my friends agree and got engaged before moving in, and some didn’t feel they needed to get engaged before moving in. They both make good arguments for both sides and now I’m confused about what to do.

I’m 35 and most people I know lived together before getting engaged. People married 20 or 40 plus years are too old to know what’s normal with our generation.

+1. I’m 33 and this is true for me and my social circle as well. DH and I lived together for 6 years (and had a baby! and bought a house!) before we got married.

Having a baby is something that could be unplanned but you were able to commit to real estate before each other? You shouldn’t be giving advice on this.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I knew I wanted marriage. I made clear while dating that I expected a ring before we would move in together, and that’s how it happened. We’re approaching 18 years of marriage now. But the key is that I knew what I wanted. What is it that you want?

OP here. I didn’t expect to why engaged before moving in. I’ve never lived with a boyfriend before and it’s all new territory. I trust his word and how he feels about me. Now I’m not so sure. Most of my family members have been married for 20+ years, with most being married for 40+ years. I trust their opinion since they are all very happily married. Some of my friends agree and got engaged before moving in, and some didn’t feel they needed to get engaged before moving in. They both make good arguments for both sides and now I’m confused about what to do.

I’m 35 and most people I know lived together before getting engaged. People married 20 or 40 plus years are too old to know what’s normal with our generation.

+1. I’m 33 and this is true for me and my social circle as well. DH and I lived together for 6 years (and had a baby! and bought a house!) before we got married.

Don’t ask for a ring rather judt flatly say that you don’t plan to move in with anyone aside from your husband. That way, it’s not direct pressure to get you a ring, it’s more on the whole concept of marriage, which is the endgame for you. He shouldn’t object, and if he does, the. you know his intentions. You cam still stay the night at his place and vice versa as well as spend entire weekends together to get to know each one other more.

I would emphasize marriage and focus on how you want to make that experience as positively life changing as possible and that includes the excitement of finally moving in with the love of your life, your husband.

For context, I did this. We dated for 5 years (engaged for two). He wanted to move in after a year and I said not for me. I shared that it was only for marriage for me and wanted my independence until then. Later, he did propose. We had a long engagement to ensure my only sibling could attend.

and husband admitted that he would have easily gotten comfortable and probably not proposed had I moved in.

Also, I have several amazing friends who lived with boyfriends for 2-5 years only for it to lead to a break up. One was “homeless” for months getting herself settled. Naturally, she came and stayed with us. It broke my heart hearing her cry at night. As much as you love him, you come first.

Do you really want to move in with someone who has doubts about marrying you?

Uh, sure, since I had doubts myself when we rented a place together. It was the year together which motivated us to take the next step.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have never and would never live with a man without a commitment. Too many friends stuck for years then had to move out. If you aren't talking about marriage then do not move in.

Well, to be fair, 50 percent of marriages end in divorce too, which is terribly traumatic and usually involves kids.

But I agree.

The 50 percent stat is outdated and in addition, divorce rates vary widely by age at first marriage, level of education etc. For example, only 30 percent of marriages between college graduates end in divorce, yet more than half divorce when neither completed high school.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I knew I wanted marriage. I made clear while dating that I expected a ring before we would move in together, and that’s how it happened. We’re approaching 18 years of marriage now. But the key is that I knew what I wanted. What is it that you want?

OP here. I didn’t expect to why engaged before moving in. I’ve never lived with a boyfriend before and it’s all new territory. I trust his word and how he feels about me. Now I’m not so sure. Most of my family members have been married for 20+ years, with most being married for 40+ years. I trust their opinion since they are all very happily married. Some of my friends agree and got engaged before moving in, and some didn’t feel they needed to get engaged before moving in. They both make good arguments for both sides and now I’m confused about what to do.

I’m 35 and most people I know lived together before getting engaged. People married 20 or 40 plus years are too old to know what’s normal with our generation.

Anonymous wrote:If you are this reliant on what everyone else thinks, you are not ready to be a life partner to anyone (with or without a ring).

Best reply by far.

Anonymous wrote:Personally, I don't see anything magical about engagement. I know many engaged couples who broke up. The concern put out by some people that your boyfriend won't be motivated to marry you if you move in seems based on old-fashioned concerns that if that man is getting sex, cleaning, and hot meals, he has no reason to get married. If your boyfriend decided that he does not want to be married, whether you are engaged or not is not going to matter (do you really want to force someone who has doubts about marrying you?).

***However, I do agree with other comments that you need to get moving if you want to have kjds.***

OMG! It’s not about making the boyfriend do anything he doesn’t want to do.

The flip side of that question is: Do you really want to move in with someone who has doubts about marrying you? Usually the answer is no. But that’s only if you’re honest with yourself.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the replies! I will just move forward with moving in without getting engaged. That was my plan all along. I’m confident we will get engaged soon. I don’t need a ring to move in.

Good for you. At those ages, he wouldn’t ask you to move in if he wasn’t planning marriage. You’re good 👍
Come back and tell us about the proposal!

Oh my god you’re delusional. Plenty of guys move in with their girlfriends without even thinking about being married.

It’s so funny how people assume stuff like this, when it’s actually a huge gamble.

A 35 year old guy who’s been dating for a year and hasn’t decided to propose but wants to move in sounds like a guy who’s going to drag out getting married. Moving in together makes it even easier to delay. It’s kind of sad to see her moving in thinking it means she’s going to get engaged “soon” and too scared to have a conversation about what “soon” means. After 30 this attitude is stupid. (And obviously this doesn’t apply if you don’t want to get married and have kids. But for people who do, it’s just dumb to waste time and set yourself up in a very vulnerable position.)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the replies! I will just move forward with moving in without getting engaged. That was my plan all along. I’m confident we will get engaged soon. I don’t need a ring to move in.

Good for you. At those ages, he wouldn’t ask you to move in if he wasn’t planning marriage. You’re good 👍
Come back and tell us about the proposal!

Oh my god you’re delusional. Plenty of guys move in with their girlfriends without even thinking about being married.

+1

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are you?

OP here. I’m 30 and he is 35.

He’s 35? Yeahhh, he needs to poop or get off the pot.

If it doesn’t work out, he’ll happily sit in the apartment while your life is upended and you have to start from scratch. Do you like your current place? Don’t give it up. Spend more time, and more nights, together without giving up your place.

I think it depends on whether you are renting a place together or you are moving into a house he owns. If you are renting, that is cleaner. You each pay half the rent- if you break up, no one is at a loss. If he owns and you move in unmarried, you are essentially helping him pay off his mortgage. If you break up, you have no equity while he has gained all through your time living together.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the replies! I will just move forward with moving in without getting engaged. That was my plan all along. I’m confident we will get engaged soon. I don’t need a ring to move in.

Good for you. At those ages, he wouldn’t ask you to move in if he wasn’t planning marriage. You’re good 👍
Come back and tell us about the proposal!

Oh my god you’re delusional. Plenty of guys move in with their girlfriends without even thinking about being married.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the replies! I will just move forward with moving in without getting engaged. That was my plan all along. I’m confident we will get engaged soon. I don’t need a ring to move in.

Good for you. At those ages, he wouldn’t ask you to move in if he wasn’t planning marriage. You’re good 👍
Come back and tell us about the proposal!

I told my DD that it’s fine for her BF and her to live together without a plan for marriage. If kids are in the future, then make the commitment.