Anonymous wrote:I just saw the thread on the mom who wants to put it in her nanny contract that the nanny not use her cell phone while baby is awake.

I SAH with a 2 year old, and have two school age kids. I definitely use my cell phone during the day, but I DO try to hold myself to similar standards a WOH parent would hold a nanny - that is, I focus on my kid when he’s awake, so no, I don’t have time for an hour long phone call to chat with my parents, or to drive to pick up random things for the older kids classroom, or whatever. And ideally I’d not set up my two year old in front of the TV so I can workout or whatever else people think SAHMs have to a of time for but would NEVER let their nanny do!

That’s all. I find other SAH parents get that my hands are full, but I’m shocked how many WOHMs think I have all this time on my hands when they simultaneously seem aware that a nanny should be focusing on the kid.

So it sounds like you actually do have a lot of time on your hands. What do you do?

Anonymous wrote:I work and my parents think nothing of calling me in the middle of the day to discuss mundane details of a months-away visit, and getting annoyed if I don't pick up or I tell them I have to talk later. It's not exclusively a SAHM problem.

Totally this.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe it’s because focusing your attention exclusively on your 2 year old for 8 hours doesn’t sound that healthy. The only benefit of SAH (IMO) is more time, flexibility, and less stress. You seem to somehow have turned parenting into a job. If you like it that way fine - but there’s nothing better about your way.

Then why don’t people ask nannies to run a bunch of errands or clean the house with a 2 year old in tow?

Many of us do ask our nannies to do that. It's a great outing for toddlers. My DS loved grocery shopping with his nanny...and all the checkers recognized him. She also stopped at Starbuck's for herself, and once the barista there figured out I was hi mom, she would ask me about DS.

Are the people in this thread living in 2021? So much of the commentary seems trapped in an earlier time.

A lot of people just get their groceries and other errands delivered these days. If you work a desk job, you actually can do your grocery shopping at work, as well as ordering random stuff for the house, buying kids clothes, booking a handyman, making dentist appointments, etc. And most people I know do these things during their work day, especially with the rise of WFH. I can't think of anyone, including the many middle class families I know, who actually save all these tasks for after work or the weekends.

So in many ways a SAHM is in the same situation as most working parents, doing the work of life while doing another job. It's just that the "other job" is caring for a small child (in OP's case, a 2yo, which is very labor intensive).

I don't understand why OP's time can't be respected as much as you would respect any working parent's time. It's weird how people assume that because you are home with your kids, your life must not be hard. I remember when my kid started preschool and I went back to work, my MIL started saying things to me like "Oh it must be so much harder now that you're working." I wasn't offended, I was just confused. My life got so much easier when I went back to work and my kid was in school all day! I felt like I could think full thoughts and get things done, and not just work things, for the first time in years. The first couple months of this new arrangement, I got the house painted, hired a landscaper, reorganized our coat closet, and got us on a meal prep schedule to streamline making lunches and dinners. That would have been so much harder (to impossible) when I was still SAHMing because I never got a moment to think with a toddler around all day. Especially once she started dropping naps left and right. I am much better able to help out friends now, and I'm a much more attentive sister and daughter too. Those first few years at home with my DD were wonderful in many ways. But I've never worked harder or felt like my time was less my own.

I work and my parents think nothing of calling me in the middle of the day to discuss mundane details of a months-away visit, and getting annoyed if I don't pick up or I tell them I have to talk later. It's not exclusively a SAHM problem.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe it’s because focusing your attention exclusively on your 2 year old for 8 hours doesn’t sound that healthy. The only benefit of SAH (IMO) is more time, flexibility, and less stress. You seem to somehow have turned parenting into a job. If you like it that way fine - but there’s nothing better about your way.

Then why don’t people ask nannies to run a bunch of errands or clean the house with a 2 year old in tow?

Lol, they do!

A lot of nannies do basic baby-related housekeeping.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone's boundaries and capacities are different regardless of SAH or WOH. We all know (or are!) SAH parents who stay home precisely so they CAN be involved with the PTA, have more time for working out or working around the house, be the one who volunteers to pick up random things for the kids' classroom, etc. So it's a little rich to sneer that yes, you stay at home, but you are still omg too busy to do these things. The better tack is to graciously hold your boundary if there is ever an incorrect assumption of how you specifically choose to use your time: "I'm sorry, I'm not available to do x at y time." Don't make it a thing.

Well said. And it's certainly reasonable to assume that a SAHM has more free time than a WOH mom!

Not if the children are under the age of 3 (or 4, depending on when they start PK). Being the full time caregiver for a 2 year old will absolutely melt your brain. The idea that it's easier for someone in that situation to do things for other people is crazy. To go back to OP's original point, imagine if you hired a nanny to care for your 2 year old and then the nanny was like "ok, but I've got a bunch of volunteer stuff to do for the PTA at my kid's school, and also I need to run some errands for some of my friends and neighbors, and pick up my sister's friends from school because she has a real job."

A 2 year old is a full time, exhausting job. Full stop. Anyone with kids, whether you SAHed or not, should know that. If you have ever spent 2-3 hours caring for a child this age, you should understand that it does not lend itself to a leisurely life of volunteer work and getting in workouts. When I was a SAHM of a child this age, I probably showered twice a week and regularly just ate cheese slices and an orange for 90% of my meals because I barely had time to take care of myself, much less do favors for friends.

You are crazy. Please, a 2 year old often times will nap, can be easily entertained by some pots and pans, and guess what, toss them in the stroller put in the airpods and you can make a leisurely call while your charge is entertained by squirrels and garbage trucks.

All of that is true for most 18 month olds and not for most 2.5 year olds. Two and three year olds are exhausting.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone's boundaries and capacities are different regardless of SAH or WOH. We all know (or are!) SAH parents who stay home precisely so they CAN be involved with the PTA, have more time for working out or working around the house, be the one who volunteers to pick up random things for the kids' classroom, etc. So it's a little rich to sneer that yes, you stay at home, but you are still omg too busy to do these things. The better tack is to graciously hold your boundary if there is ever an incorrect assumption of how you specifically choose to use your time: "I'm sorry, I'm not available to do x at y time." Don't make it a thing.

Well said. And it's certainly reasonable to assume that a SAHM has more free time than a WOH mom!

Not if the children are under the age of 3 (or 4, depending on when they start PK). Being the full time caregiver for a 2 year old will absolutely melt your brain. The idea that it's easier for someone in that situation to do things for other people is crazy. To go back to OP's original point, imagine if you hired a nanny to care for your 2 year old and then the nanny was like "ok, but I've got a bunch of volunteer stuff to do for the PTA at my kid's school, and also I need to run some errands for some of my friends and neighbors, and pick up my sister's friends from school because she has a real job."

A 2 year old is a full time, exhausting job. Full stop. Anyone with kids, whether you SAHed or not, should know that. If you have ever spent 2-3 hours caring for a child this age, you should understand that it does not lend itself to a leisurely life of volunteer work and getting in workouts. When I was a SAHM of a child this age, I probably showered twice a week and regularly just ate cheese slices and an orange for 90% of my meals because I barely had time to take care of myself, much less do favors for friends.

You are crazy. Please, a 2 year old often times will nap, can be easily entertained by some pots and pans, and guess what, toss them in the stroller put in the airpods and you can make a leisurely call while your charge is entertained by squirrels and garbage trucks.

+1. I can understand a first-time parent maybe not understanding this, but not a third-time parent! Plus as someone noted above, it’s actually not a good thing to be constantly engaging and enriching your child.

Everyone In life chooses to be as busy as they want to be. You child doesn’t have to play sports or do activities. You don’t have to work our volunteer or socialize with friends. You can put your baby in a crib and be on your phone al day or you can never touch your phone. It’s your choice.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone's boundaries and capacities are different regardless of SAH or WOH. We all know (or are!) SAH parents who stay home precisely so they CAN be involved with the PTA, have more time for working out or working around the house, be the one who volunteers to pick up random things for the kids' classroom, etc. So it's a little rich to sneer that yes, you stay at home, but you are still omg too busy to do these things. The better tack is to graciously hold your boundary if there is ever an incorrect assumption of how you specifically choose to use your time: "I'm sorry, I'm not available to do x at y time." Don't make it a thing.

Well said. And it's certainly reasonable to assume that a SAHM has more free time than a WOH mom!

Not if the children are under the age of 3 (or 4, depending on when they start PK). Being the full time caregiver for a 2 year old will absolutely melt your brain. The idea that it's easier for someone in that situation to do things for other people is crazy. To go back to OP's original point, imagine if you hired a nanny to care for your 2 year old and then the nanny was like "ok, but I've got a bunch of volunteer stuff to do for the PTA at my kid's school, and also I need to run some errands for some of my friends and neighbors, and pick up my sister's friends from school because she has a real job."

A 2 year old is a full time, exhausting job. Full stop. Anyone with kids, whether you SAHed or not, should know that. If you have ever spent 2-3 hours caring for a child this age, you should understand that it does not lend itself to a leisurely life of volunteer work and getting in workouts. When I was a SAHM of a child this age, I probably showered twice a week and regularly just ate cheese slices and an orange for 90% of my meals because I barely had time to take care of myself, much less do favors for friends.

You are crazy. Please, a 2 year old often times will nap, can be easily entertained by some pots and pans, and guess what, toss them in the stroller put in the airpods and you can make a leisurely call while your charge is entertained by squirrels and garbage trucks.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe it’s because focusing your attention exclusively on your 2 year old for 8 hours doesn’t sound that healthy. The only benefit of SAH (IMO) is more time, flexibility, and less stress. You seem to somehow have turned parenting into a job. If you like it that way fine - but there’s nothing better about your way.

Then why don’t people ask nannies to run a bunch of errands or clean the house with a 2 year old in tow?

Lol, they do!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I SAH for about 4 years and definitely agree that free time was not always a benefit (especially once naptime went away!), since if there's no money to outsource lawn care, house cleaning, special enrichment classes etc it's all on you to fill those roles.

But my kids loved going to the store with me when they were 2, so I'm not sure that's something I would avoid. I'd hand them things to put into the cart, we would check out the fresh flowers in the deli section and name the colors, and find so many new and different things to talk about.

I felt that way too until Covid happened and I stopped taking my kid to the store. Then I discovered anew that grocery shopping without a 2 year old is much, much easier than doing it with one. I also don't mind taking my kids to the store and when I was a SAHM it could be a welcome distraction because they viewed it as a form of entertainment and I could get an errand done in the process. But the idea that grocery shopping with a small child is "leisure time" is deranged. It's not.

I don't think anyone said it was leisure time per se to go shopping with a toddler. It's just an example of how the flexibility of SAH gives you the ability to do the additional things that OP is claiming are impossible, because you can multitask. Additionally, may of us think it's actually more developmentally appropriate to spend some time out doing errands with babies/toddlers than sitting at home "enriching" them all day.

Anonymous wrote:Literally no one cares what you are doing with your day, OP. You are imagining that they are thinking about you and how you have free time? They are all too busy, whether they are SAH or WOH or whatever

Sometimes people ask things of SAHMs that they won’t of working moms because they assume they have the time and flexibility to do them. So that might be where this is coming from.

Literally no one cares what you are doing with your day, OP. You are imagining that they are thinking about you and how you have free time? They are all too busy, whether they are SAH or WOH or whatever

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

You have more time than someone that works all day and has child care and household responsibilities at night. Makes sense?

Exactly. No one is saying you are lounging around doing nothing, but imagine being at work 8 hours a day, plus an hour commute each way, and then tack on seeing your child for an hour or two in the evening and then needing to call your parents to check in.

The difference is that a SAH probably doesn't have a cleaning service and it's likely that her DH has dumped his chores on her because ' she has free time'. In reality, the house is getting more messed up from DC being home all day vs. in daycare so SAH has more cleaning not less. The SAH mom is doing all the childcare, all the extra housework and all the cooking. When I worked in an office I could take long lunches, shop on line, have long adult conversations, go to happy hour after work. Going to work in an office was 10X easier than being a SAH.

Then you were a pretty crap-ass parent. Every working mom I know (including myself) works through lunch on a regular basis so she can head out early and spend time with the kids. Happy hour maybe once or twice a month.

Yeah, who are these working moms taking long lunches and going to happy hour on the regular?