Why won’t op reply with what the fight was about? I guess op was in the wrong!

How did the heated exchange start? I had a BF who would pick a fight then walk out, saying he needed "space" or "time to process". Turns out, he was cheating on me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a person who has tremendous difficulty organizing their thought and emotions constructively this is relatable. I have gone silent for long periods when I get that everything I tried to say would make things worse, not help the other person, be regretted, and come out super confused. I try not to be self centered but sometimes it takes so much effort to get there that I cannot sustain seeing the other person’s perspective and I go quiet because I just can’t don’t the right words.

No one should be in a relationship with you. This is so unhealthy. I don't know if OP's boyfriend is similar to you or not, but I do know that you are, in fact, self-centered, and that your conflict-style is unacceptable in a relationship.

Unkind comment, PP. This person is aware of his/her limitations and presumably, could articulate such to a partner so they could manage these moments in a constructive way. We all have our stuff and being aware of it is 90% of the battle.

Yup.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Better than him staying and escalating and both of you saying things you’ll later regret.

That's the excuse of the silent treatment types.

Silent treatment is a form of abuse.

The real solution is for him to be able to stay and *not* say things he will regret. To control himself.

I disagree with this. It really depends on the person. There is a difference between needing time alone to process something (which is a self-care measure) and giving the silent treatment (which is solely about punishing the other person). When I was in my early 20s my mother once made me sit for almost 2 hours talking about heavy emotional stuff that hurt so much. I later told it it felt like emotional rape, and it did. It was horrific.

If a person who needs time alone can maturely articulate that to a partner, in a calm way, and then regroup and come back later to work it out, I think that's great. That's being respectful of their needs and their partner's needs. Now, in the long term, it may mean that a couple's arguing style isn't very compatible, and OP will have to figure that out.

^ Oops! Meant Handled it well.

Anonymous wrote:What part of, needs to be along don't you understand. He will get back to you when he's had his side piece and a nap.

Sounds about right.

Married almost 30 years. They don’t live together, so going to his place to give himself space is reasonable. I think he has died it well, assuming he was ready to talk the next day.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, as a married woman of nearly 20 years this is not your ideal starting point.

I haven't been married for 20 years, but he kissed her before leaving to cool off. That's not exactly unhealthy. Is it great? No, they probably need to work on communicating in a way that doesn't lead to heated exchanges too often, but its not horrible or awful.

Agree.

--married 17 years

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Um, OP you're coming up with too many excuses for him and making up stories in your head to justify his behavior. Disappearing for 12 hours without contact is not healthy or functional. Going for a walk for 20 minutes to cool off before talking? Asking to set aside a conversation in the next day when you're feeling more alert? Yes, those are healthy ways to handle conflict.

YOUR BOYFRIEND HAD CONFLICT AVOIDANCE ISSUES AND ANGER ISSUE. IT IS NOT GOING TO GET BETTER AND IT WILL NOT MAKE FOR A GOOD, HEALTHY, FUNCTIONAL RELATIONSHIP.

-signed, someone whose now divorced from a guy like your yours

What an overreaction. They had an argument. They both sat there in silence for a while. OP's boyfriend calmy said he needed some space and gave her kiss, went to his house, slept, started his day, then texted her.

Jesus christ.

No. Leaving like he did is a form of manipulation to make her feel pain. She needs to move on.

Anonymous wrote:What would I do? I'd look for a new boyfriend.

Same. If my several relationships have taught me is that this type of exchange is not healthy. No one is worth this.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Walking away is a healthy coping strategy.

The whole sitting in a house and not talking is abuse.

Let him work it out in his head and come back when he feels like talking.

Your need to "talk" before he is ready is not healthy. Go for a walk, meditate, do some yoga.

Also, stop getting in "heated" conversations. When a discussion is getting hot, stop, take a break, step back, reengage.

Walking away is a healthy coping strategy?

Lol. Uh, no it isn't.

Yes it is. I don't have a temper at all, but if I'm out in public and someone is trying to start something, I'm going to walk away.

There's a reason I've never been in a physical fight -- better to walk away when things get heated to let things cool down.

Anonymous wrote:Um, OP you're coming up with too many excuses for him and making up stories in your head to justify his behavior. Disappearing for 12 hours without contact is not healthy or functional. Going for a walk for 20 minutes to cool off before talking? Asking to set aside a conversation in the next day when you're feeling more alert? Yes, those are healthy ways to handle conflict.

YOUR BOYFRIEND HAD CONFLICT AVOIDANCE ISSUES AND ANGER ISSUE. IT IS NOT GOING TO GET BETTER AND IT WILL NOT MAKE FOR A GOOD, HEALTHY, FUNCTIONAL RELATIONSHIP.

-signed, someone whose now divorced from a guy like your yours

What an overreaction. They had an argument. They both sat there in silence for a while. OP's boyfriend calmy said he needed some space and gave her kiss, went to his house, slept, started his day, then texted her.

Jesus christ.

Never give up your own place, OP. Even if you eventually buy something together- have your own place too.

People who try to force an immediate resolution when you're not feeling it in the moment are the worst.

Sounds like he needed his own space to process. He got in touch in a reasonable amount of time, said nothing heavy.

The real question is will he be able to talk about his feelings in the follow up and hear you. If he can, then the way he handled it sounds pretty mature. If what he needs is to walk and never talk again then I would red flag that file as emotionally avoidant.