Anonymous
10/14/2021 14:41
Subject: Re:Father's obligations towards child
Anonymous wrote:Only read through page 3. Can you have him agree to set up automatic deductions from his paycheck or bank account? To take care of x% of joint mortgage, x% of daycare cost and $x in 529 every month. After that, you pay for everything. And he can blow the rest of it on his DD if he wishes.
Or you can just get divorced, which honestly may be simpler. Your step DD will have bigger expenses as she gets older (college, spring break trips to Ibiza, wedding) and if you and DH are not on the same page, it’s going to cause a lot of resentment and lead to an eventual divorce anyway. Might be simpler to bite the bullet now while your DD is a baby so she doesn’t have a combined family to miss.
This is such evil advice
Anonymous
10/14/2021 13:09
Subject: Re:Father's obligations towards child
Only read through page 3. Can you have him agree to set up automatic deductions from his paycheck or bank account? To take care of x% of joint mortgage, x% of daycare cost and $x in 529 every month. After that, you pay for everything. And he can blow the rest of it on his DD if he wishes.
Or you can just get divorced, which honestly may be simpler. Your step DD will have bigger expenses as she gets older (college, spring break trips to Ibiza, wedding) and if you and DH are not on the same page, it’s going to cause a lot of resentment and lead to an eventual divorce anyway. Might be simpler to bite the bullet now while your DD is a baby so she doesn’t have a combined family to miss.
Or you can just get divorced, which honestly may be simpler. Your step DD will have bigger expenses as she gets older (college, spring break trips to Ibiza, wedding) and if you and DH are not on the same page, it’s going to cause a lot of resentment and lead to an eventual divorce anyway. Might be simpler to bite the bullet now while your DD is a baby so she doesn’t have a combined family to miss.
Anonymous
10/14/2021 12:54
Subject: Father's obligations towards child
Anonymous wrote:Would really appreciate some insight.
My husband and I share a baby girl together and he also has a teenage daughter from a previous marriage who lives in Europe with her mom
I'll keep it short - he pays child support to his previous wife (obligation) but over the years has also paid for extravagant shopping trips, holidays etc
A lot of it has been excessive which he admits. His reason is if he doesn't do that the daughter will not talk to him- ongoing issue since she was a child. The teenager has no interest in our daughter and has never asked about her. In all fairness she barely has an interest in her own father unless a birthday or Christmas are nearby then the wish lists pour in. He is too scared to say anything as he knows she will not speak to him.
Anyhow the issue we have is he hasn't paid for a single thing for our 8 month old daughter. I have purchased everything she owns as well as paid for the nanny etc. I also pay for groceries and household foods and no we don't have a joint account and nor do I want one.
Despite him earning triple figures he says he pay the mortgages ( we have a renovation that I have contributed too as well) and therefore doenst need to pay for anything else.
The mortgage has never stopped him paying for his other daughter.
What is the best way to approach this? If he doesn't want to buy our daughter things that's fine but atleast help with the childcare costs? Or is that on me too as its more around my job?
You first need to do the math on what he spends and what you spend. If the house you live in is up to your standards, and you both own it, then that’s his contribution. Subtract your contribution and see how much more/less you’re paying.
if you want him to pay for your daughter, then maybe you need some joint expenses.
Anonymous
10/14/2021 09:57
Subject: Father's obligations towards child
The fact that your husband is only a support check to his first child should have been a glaring red flag, OP. Most parents will move mountains to have a relationship with their child.
Anonymous
10/14/2021 09:47
Subject: Father's obligations towards child
I am sorry, but I am confused.
Where do OP, husband and baby live? And who pays for that residence?
OP said that her husband pays for the mortgage of a condo. Is the condo also OP’s? If the condo is only in your husband’s name, then it does not matter how much he pays, he is not contributing to your family at all.
If he pays for the house where you are living together AND the house is in both of your names, then just make sure that whatever you pay and whatever he pays is commensurate to your paycheck… that’s it.
Where do OP, husband and baby live? And who pays for that residence?
OP said that her husband pays for the mortgage of a condo. Is the condo also OP’s? If the condo is only in your husband’s name, then it does not matter how much he pays, he is not contributing to your family at all.
If he pays for the house where you are living together AND the house is in both of your names, then just make sure that whatever you pay and whatever he pays is commensurate to your paycheck… that’s it.
Anonymous
10/14/2021 09:31
Subject: Father's obligations towards child
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Firstly I'm not young or naive. I certainly will not be asking my daughter to get him to buy her things. I original question was should he be sharing childcare costs or not? His excuse right now is no because he pays the mortgage to his condo. I bought all her things clothes, cribs, diapers and I paid for childcare. All I asked was does he also need to share the cost or is paying a mortgage a get of jail card because that hasn't stopped him paying for the other kid.
And also not sure which marriage ruling mandates a joint account
OP, you’re the one starting a thread because the way you split finances is upsetting to you. If it was so easy to have everything be separate, most people wouldn’t have joint finances. You need a joint budget at a minimum.
If he’s going to count paying the mortgage on the condo as a contribution to the marital budget, then he needs to put your name on the deed.
He’s straight up taking advantage of you and you’re here on your high horse saying that joint accounts aren’t mandated for marriage. Okay, you do you! I would never live like that, but more power to you if you want to use up all your salary on joint expenses while he maxes out his retirement and plans big extravagant shopping sprees for his older daughter! Enjoy! Know that you bought that.
+1 Before we got married, DH had a vacation home. When we got married and bought a home together, he put my name on the deed of his vacation home. Why? Because I was helping him pay for that by pooling our assets. He could not have paid for that second home and our primary home without me helping pay for our joint expenses.
But I'll say again: your DH is not spending time with your young DD even as he laments that the reason for spending lavishly on his first DD is because he didn't spend time with her.
IMO, he makes constant excuses for being a crappy dad.
Anonymous
10/14/2021 09:21
Subject: Father's obligations towards child
Anonymous wrote:Firstly I'm not young or naive. I certainly will not be asking my daughter to get him to buy her things. I original question was should he be sharing childcare costs or not? His excuse right now is no because he pays the mortgage to his condo. I bought all her things clothes, cribs, diapers and I paid for childcare. All I asked was does he also need to share the cost or is paying a mortgage a get of jail card because that hasn't stopped him paying for the other kid.
And also not sure which marriage ruling mandates a joint account
OP, you’re the one starting a thread because the way you split finances is upsetting to you. If it was so easy to have everything be separate, most people wouldn’t have joint finances. You need a joint budget at a minimum.
If he’s going to count paying the mortgage on the condo as a contribution to the marital budget, then he needs to put your name on the deed.
He’s straight up taking advantage of you and you’re here on your high horse saying that joint accounts aren’t mandated for marriage. Okay, you do you! I would never live like that, but more power to you if you want to use up all your salary on joint expenses while he maxes out his retirement and plans big extravagant shopping sprees for his older daughter! Enjoy! Know that you bought that.
Anonymous
10/14/2021 09:14
Subject: Father's obligations towards child
Clearly OP’s husband pays the mortgage on the house they live in, and it’s a lot of money, which makes her whole whine stupid, which is why she’s not being clear.
DH and I have separate money. I pay our mortgage and utilities. He pays childcare and tuition. It’s close enough to fair given both of our incomes and works fine for us. But it doesn’t mean I don’t pay for our kids. It’s just a technicality about how the pot gets split.
This whole thread is another reason why men on DCUM who think old rich guys have an endless well of young women to date. The kind of women who would marry OP’s husband are, well, like OP. Insecure and difficult.
DH and I have separate money. I pay our mortgage and utilities. He pays childcare and tuition. It’s close enough to fair given both of our incomes and works fine for us. But it doesn’t mean I don’t pay for our kids. It’s just a technicality about how the pot gets split.
This whole thread is another reason why men on DCUM who think old rich guys have an endless well of young women to date. The kind of women who would marry OP’s husband are, well, like OP. Insecure and difficult.
Anonymous
10/14/2021 09:03
Subject: Re:Father's obligations towards child
OP are you going to answer us on how much you both make? You ask for dcum opinions then you keep leaving that part out.
Anonymous
10/14/2021 09:01
Subject: Father's obligations towards child
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:How am I expecting a man to solve my problems. My savings bailed out his construction disaster. Really should really the whole thread.
My savings and wages are paying for childcare and my child.
The question is simple is a mortgage payment an excuse for not paying childcare. For those who don't seem to understand or are disgruntled first wives how is ok to ignore obligations to one child and meet those of another.
And yes he hasn't paid for a single thing not even a diaper
OP, there is no way to answer that question without knowing more facts. For example, if my mortgage is $3,000 and my childcare is $3,000 a month and my husband and I decided that I would pay one and he would pay the other, then what's the problem?
But you're talking about a mortgage payment on a condo you don't live in, correct? So who lives there?
NO MA'M. Mortgage is a payment towards a joint ASSET. Dissolution of the marriage requires you split that. Childcare is a COST. You can pay 1500 toward each but not 3000 towards one or the other with separate accounts.
I'm the PP and I'm not sure why you're ma'aming me... OP isn't divorced. There is nothing wrong with spouses paying for things out of their separate accounts. I mean, show me the VA Code section where it says that can't be done. I'll wait.
Anonymous
10/14/2021 09:00
Subject: Father's obligations towards child
Anonymous wrote:He wants to keep the condo for his mom as she may move to D.C
So it's vacant and ofcourse I would not ask her to pay towards anything. She wants to be closer to the baby as she hasn't had a relationship with the other child. ( She can't do childcare, we tried this option and it failed) she is a fantastic grandmother but can't look after the baby all day.
Right now my entire paycheck goes to childcare, groceries and all baby related things plus towards finishing the renovation.
Um, ok. OP, does your husband work out of the house? Is he ever away from you? If so, I doubt that condo is as vacant as he says...
Anonymous
10/13/2021 18:24
Subject: Father's obligations towards child
I don’t understand. Does he pay any joint expenses? What are they relative to what you pay?
It feels really strange to me to approach finances this separately. I don’t have a joint checking account with my spouse but I still view our expenses as shared. We each pay various bills from our separate accounts, but we share a joint savings and investments, so maybe that makes it feel less separate. E.g., he pays the entirely of childcare costs and I pay the mortgage (which is more, but I make more), but I wouldn’t think to say “he pays all childcare costs” as though I don’t contribute.
I guess it depends on what your DH is paying but I don’t think we’ve gotten a clear answer on that.
It feels really strange to me to approach finances this separately. I don’t have a joint checking account with my spouse but I still view our expenses as shared. We each pay various bills from our separate accounts, but we share a joint savings and investments, so maybe that makes it feel less separate. E.g., he pays the entirely of childcare costs and I pay the mortgage (which is more, but I make more), but I wouldn’t think to say “he pays all childcare costs” as though I don’t contribute.
I guess it depends on what your DH is paying but I don’t think we’ve gotten a clear answer on that.
Anonymous
10/13/2021 18:13
Subject: Father's obligations towards child
So your husband doesn’t financially support your kid or spend any time with them? Cut your losses and divorce.
Anonymous
10/13/2021 17:56
Subject: Father's obligations towards child
That’s not a marriage. In any way.
Anonymous
10/13/2021 17:43
Subject: Father's obligations towards child
Just get divorced now. And why do you keep saying “my daughter” and “my child”…vs. “our”