I can't imagine this would improve things between them if she knows he's been talking about her to her own mother.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, please come back! We need to know: what is the issue??

The 75%\25% breakdown you gave indicates to me it’s not purely your DD causing issues through addiction problems, late onset schizophrenia, something very serious that requires intervention.

If it’s that she can be a real b1tch sometimes and is a total nag about cleaning the house I don’t understand why SIL would come to you.

Please give us something to work with here.

OP here. I don’t really want to elaborate further because the judgmental harpies have already swooped in and started flaming and projecting their own lives into this situation.

I appreciate what the African and Asian posters said, because it’s the type of culture I am from. Family can be annoying or intrusive, but they can also be a BIG help if you let them in.

It’s not addiction or abuse. It’s differences related to childrearing and decision making that I have been witness to during my stays with them in the past, and seem to have come to a head. Anyway, I might do what Indian PP said, and not necessarily try to fix the problem (because I can’t), but go to them and handle the kids for a couple of weeks so they can take a breather and hopefully get some time together to resolve their issues.

Maybe if you provided additional, relevant cultural information in your original post, you would have gotten different responses. Something to think about in the future.

I am from a culture where family is more heavily involved. Please do remember that it is still possible to be intrusive and overstep your boundaries even in our cultures. I think it is a good idea to help support your family by offering childcare etc. Regardless of what you do, you need to support the marriage and ask both your SIL AND DD what they want or need from you. It sounds like you already have the idea that your daughter is at fault for the marriage issues and I think this could lead to her feeling resentful and betrayed by you if she were to find that you were not considering her side of the story.

By not explaining what the situation is you are not giving any of us the opportunity to help you. Good luck, I really do hope for the best for your family.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, please come back! We need to know: what is the issue??

The 75%\25% breakdown you gave indicates to me it’s not purely your DD causing issues through addiction problems, late onset schizophrenia, something very serious that requires intervention.

If it’s that she can be a real b1tch sometimes and is a total nag about cleaning the house I don’t understand why SIL would come to you.

Please give us something to work with here.

OP here. I don’t really want to elaborate further because the judgmental harpies have already swooped in and started flaming and projecting their own lives into this situation.

I appreciate what the African and Asian posters said, because it’s the type of culture I am from. Family can be annoying or intrusive, but they can also be a BIG help if you let them in.

It’s not addiction or abuse. It’s differences related to childrearing and decision making that I have been witness to during my stays with them in the past, and seem to have come to a head. Anyway, I might do what Indian PP said, and not necessarily try to fix the problem (because I can’t), but go to them and handle the kids for a couple of weeks so they can take a breather and hopefully get some time together to resolve their issues.

Maybe if you provided additional, relevant cultural information in your original post, you would have gotten different responses. Something to think about in the future.

Anonymous wrote:OP, please come back! We need to know: what is the issue??

The 75%\25% breakdown you gave indicates to me it’s not purely your DD causing issues through addiction problems, late onset schizophrenia, something very serious that requires intervention.

If it’s that she can be a real b1tch sometimes and is a total nag about cleaning the house I don’t understand why SIL would come to you.

Please give us something to work with here.

OP here. I don’t really want to elaborate further because the judgmental harpies have already swooped in and started flaming and projecting their own lives into this situation.

I appreciate what the African and Asian posters said, because it’s the type of culture I am from. Family can be annoying or intrusive, but they can also be a BIG help if you let them in.

It’s not addiction or abuse. It’s differences related to childrearing and decision making that I have been witness to during my stays with them in the past, and seem to have come to a head. Anyway, I might do what Indian PP said, and not necessarily try to fix the problem (because I can’t), but go to them and handle the kids for a couple of weeks so they can take a breather and hopefully get some time together to resolve their issues.

OP, please come back! We need to know: what is the issue??

The 75%\25% breakdown you gave indicates to me it’s not purely your DD causing issues through addiction problems, late onset schizophrenia, something very serious that requires intervention.

If it’s that she can be a real b1tch sometimes and is a total nag about cleaning the house I don’t understand why SIL would come to you.

Please give us something to work with here.

I am about to project my own issues/experiences, so with that said:

Maybe your daughter has a personality disorder, and maybe you are kind of aware of that. She is toxic, stubborn, impulsive, talks in circles, never wrong and hard to be around. But you want her to be happy and succeed, right, and you don't want her as your problem.

But her DH has big problems, and he is desperate. He is going to last-resort moves such as talking to you. Usually, this is to be avoided if at all possible.

But you CAN help. If your daughter respects you. You tell her in the terms you think she will understand that will not set her off, and then she will know she is on notice and must behave better if she doesn't want you to know about it. Just like a little child, because that is what a personality disordered person is.

You can also help this DH by being honest about your daughter's issues. He is likely very confused.

If you don't care that they might divorce in an ugly way, and cause stress for your grandchildren for years to come, then do nothing. If you do care then intervene. I have seen some narcissists/borderlines shape up when their Mommy /Daddy got wind of their bad behavior.

They may still divorce in time, only a temporary fix for them, but you may buy some peace for a time and that matters if there are kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I remember my mom telling his mom what bad habits he had with cleaning up after himself, remembering to do things, working too much.

All my European MIL said was: “Oh that, yes I already know his shortcomings.” And then she walked away.

Ugh.

Um, that was literally the perfect response. How about don't use your MIL as a therapist. She's not your therapist or your girlfriend. Don't try to put her in a tough spot.

The tough spot meaning her son needs to grow up and be an adult? Or take his ADD meds?

The tough spot meaning why should she, the MIL, answer for her grown-ass son’s behavior, or try to play therapist or mediator, when she is neither? Grow up.

+1. This is ridiculous. If I’m having issues with DH I’m not going to go ask his mother to fix them. “That’s it, DH, if you can’t start being more attentive to my needs in this marriage I’m calling your mother!”

A parent can always tell their adult son to “shape up.”
In this case no one did and sounds like they divorced later, he never improved. No intervention. No advice to him.
But hey, at least she agreed on his issues! And knew they were deeper than anyone else knew due to mental disorders.

You must have a mental disorder if you dated, were engaged to, married and procreated (more than once!) with someone who had mental disorders.

Or at least…you must not have much to offer, and you took what you could get.

Of course, I am assuming that these "marriage problems" are not problems but expenses. ie they can be solved if you have money? Like "we need a cleaning lady", "we need to call my boss for dinner", "we need a second car now"...

Or it is some big decisions which will impact everyone - "We can't buy a house right now", "we can't have a third baby", "I will need to start travelling for work again" "I will not be going back to school for another semester..."

Or it is something really bad "She is doing drugs" "She is pregnany with someone else's baby", "She wants a divorce"

Was the son in law asking for advice or just blaming and contriving?

Do not engage.

My spouse is a terrible communicator and people literally have to tell him that they will only speak if the other person is also on the phone.

So stop the games and only talk with them together on this type of stuff and tell them to get professional help.

And if your daughter is married to a real manipulative jerk, figure that out quick OP!