My SIL was a victim of domestic violence; she was murdered by her STBX during the period of time she had a restraining order for herself but was forced to let him have visits with their two children unsupervised. All the time he was threatening her life, unknown to us because she was ashamed. He also told her he would hurt her brothers/friends if she told them. The police refused to intervene until it was too late. He hid a weapon so she was caught completely unawares. DH and I were shouting at the TV not to meet with the father in person. The risk of violence towards the woman and children escalates as she progresses from separation to divorce and the child custody arrangements.

“I’m going to paint the shit out of those kids faces.”

😂

Doesn’t she go live at her dads house later in the series. So she eventually realizes she’s a DV victim for real, opens her eyes and starts fighting.

Either way, it’s psychologically difficult and lots of excuses are made. Including all the ones in the PP’s post about why not talking about it. True some people won’t believe you and they will never be your support group, but others get it. They’ve seen mental disorders. Abuse. Threats. Escalation. The cycle.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Still watching and loving it! I’m also a single mom and found her desperation so relatable.

I'm a single mom in a much better place than she was but on occasion, have cried like she did in the trailer. All you need is a few things to go wrong in a row and you're crying on the floor.

Same, by the grace of god I have the education, etc, that I never had to worry if my children would be housed, fed and well cared for, but I can still related to that sense of desperation as a mom doing it alone.

She declined to stay with her friends because they are friends with her ex.

Her mom is unstable, and has brought men in and out of her life for years.

Her dad said she can’t live with him (in the show)

The guy that is interested in her isn’t a safe bet because 1) he wants a relationship with her, 2) she’s embarrassed to accept help.

Many single mothers do jump into another relationship, which most outsiders are very judgmental about. She is trying to not repeat her past mistakes and take charge of her life independently. All of the issues raised here further nightlight why it’s difficult to leave, or why grown women move from one abusive choice to the next.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. I’m wondering why on earth she couldn’t have tried getting a job at a fast food place, or perhaps the Dollar Store, or a grocery store. Surely there was something else she could have tried before settling for the absolute worst possible scenario? That’s the only part I’m having a hard time with. It just didn’t make any sense - paying for the uniform, supplies, toll and gas to get there, hauling the vacuum around with her… could she have even *tried* McDonalds, etc. first?

Not thinking clearly. She was under ongoing trauma.

She was thinking clearly. She needed two pay stubs to qualify for social services. It would take 4-6 weeks for that to occur with a fast food or cashier position. She needed a small business that cuts pay stubs weekly or even after each job (like the maid service). That shortened the time to days rather than weeks.

She had 2-4 people reaching out to help her in the first couple episodes and she turned them down and was in serious need of help.
The ins/outs of paybstub thing is interesting but for the average American (or non American with no SSN) no one knows what cash velocity job helps social serves turn in faster. And the social worker did but just gave the job lead not explaining thay.

Either way I look FW to watching the whole series. It is not a binge watch though!

This plus what Angelina Jolie is doing with shining a light in defunct family courts and even the Woody Allen wife documentary (terrible, terrible situation if an abuser with power and money) need to get people to wake up and fix things.

maid makes me want to buy up motels and make them safe DV shelters. Where can I donate with low overhead and direct to asset /staff funding?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. I’m wondering why on earth she couldn’t have tried getting a job at a fast food place, or perhaps the Dollar Store, or a grocery store. Surely there was something else she could have tried before settling for the absolute worst possible scenario? That’s the only part I’m having a hard time with. It just didn’t make any sense - paying for the uniform, supplies, toll and gas to get there, hauling the vacuum around with her… could she have even *tried* McDonalds, etc. first?

Not thinking clearly. She was under ongoing trauma.

She was thinking clearly. She needed two pay stubs to qualify for social services. It would take 4-6 weeks for that to occur with a fast food or cashier position. She needed a small business that cuts pay stubs weekly or even after each job (like the maid service). That shortened the time to days rather than weeks.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Her dad was relatively stable and offered her a clean, safe place to stay, with backup care for Maddy when she was sick. I kept waiting for there to be strings attached or for him to be a monster. But her only reason for moving out was a realization that YEARS PAST when he was an alcoholic, he hit her mother. He's now sober, a Christian, and keeps on her ex boyfriend to get him to go to AA meetings. I think she was crazy for turning down his help. She should have done almost anything to stay with him and his wife who also seemed kind and stable.

I completely agree with this. I think it’s just people and liberal shows hating on born again Christians mostly.

Except in her book, Stephanie Land left her father’s house with Mia because he hit his wife during an argument about them staying. Wife thought they should stay, he didn’t. I don’t get this whitewashing of the men in the Netflix version.

Well that makes a little more sense.

She got a big unit in a half way house
I know city people who live in really small homes

Anonymous wrote:Is Alex’s father the same guy who played Bella’s father in the Twilight movies?

Yes, Billy Burke.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I found Andie McDowell to be really overacting and I'm wondering if she was determined to show that she can really act, after years of people calling her "wooden." I actually never thought she was a wooden actress, just soft-spoken and quiet. The character of Alex's mother is just too much. We get it - she is mentally ill.

I like Margaret Qualley, but her nasally voice is annoying.

Agree that AD was way too over the top. It was too much. She was almost like a caricature.

Love MQ, don't mind her voice. I think she has a lovely subtlety and vulnerability around her.

I assumed she was schizophrenic.

Anonymous wrote:I found Andie McDowell to be really overacting and I'm wondering if she was determined to show that she can really act, after years of people calling her "wooden." I actually never thought she was a wooden actress, just soft-spoken and quiet. The character of Alex's mother is just too much. We get it - she is mentally ill.

I like Margaret Qualley, but her nasally voice is annoying.

She’s bipolar.

My ex was aspergers and bipolar II, refused his DX, symptoms and therapy or relevant meds.

Court system does not care. Kids has broken legs, “accidents” on his watch, gets ignored from 6-8pm. All court cares about is someone gave them food, clothes, a roof.

Anonymous wrote:NP. I’m wondering why on earth she couldn’t have tried getting a job at a fast food place, or perhaps the Dollar Store, or a grocery store. Surely there was something else she could have tried before settling for the absolute worst possible scenario? That’s the only part I’m having a hard time with. It just didn’t make any sense - paying for the uniform, supplies, toll and gas to get there, hauling the vacuum around with her… could she have even *tried* McDonalds, etc. first?

Not thinking clearly. She was under ongoing trauma.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait. You didn’t find it stressful? Are you human? I’m on episode one and my blood pressure ticked up as her budget with the cleaning supplies was added up. (I’m a runner so blood pressure usually low and I have the watch to measure).

You can clean without cleaning supplies
Baking soda, vinegar, all purpose cleaner. That is all you need.
My guess is that she was living in a rural area without many job opportunities and a slumped economy

I am surprised she didn't plan her exit from her boyfriend better, perhaps she could have had more cash, somewhere to go

People of all income strata get blindsided by emotional abuse.

I never knew about protective orders or when to call CPS or how to document abuse or how to Gray Rock or how I need a separate bank account/cell phone/Go Bag until I was blocked, threatened, and felt so unsafe in my own house from my raging husband that I took the kids to a friends and spent all weeks talking to lawyers. Worst week of my life. Followed by two years of hell.

Btw DV hotlines have 60 minute++ waits nowadays. Call center workers didn’t return and calls are up.

And sometimes you are so neglected, ignored and isolated by your abusive spouse that even him yelling and raging fills an attention need. Or you hope you can get through to him.

Anonymous wrote:So can someone who has been through something similar or knows someone chime in - is it realistic?
I am having a hard time believing that the only job a college student could get was in cleaning. I had it easier as when my STBX left he paid my rent - had to resort to many gigs before I settled in into a permanent role, including cleaning, and it was easy to find male clients who were working professionals and therefore didn’t leave much mess and weren’t too picky (unlike some female ones).

It is in a rinky dink small town and when the court system says you have to live 50 miles from your abusive Ex, coparent with said narcissist, suffer post Separation abuse through the court system and ex, and never move until your child is age 18 or give up custody rights.