This is my dream scenario

I was a SAHW due to immigration status. I spent my time by taking college classes and volunteering. DH was very capable (while I was raised not lifting a finger) so it was not that I had to look after the house. He actually taught me how to cook. We devoted our time in travelling, socializing and our hobbies. Life was great. I also learned how to keep a house, cook, bake, knit, garden, paint, make pottery etc. Then I got my GC, had a child, and started to work in a well paying corporate job. Getting a job was not a chore as I was highly qualified. But, soon my DH and I realized that our great life went to sh!t because with a kid and my work, our quality of life was quite pathetic. Even when we threw money at the problem and outsourced many things, we had a hectic life.

When our second kid came, DH begged me to leave work. We went back and forth and it took us months to discuss and figure out what it would mean for us. This is what we agreed on -
- I would never go back to work, not even when kids went to college. This was mainly because I did not want the stress of starting from the bottom again, or continue to pick up part time gigs to remain relevant. Our money and assets have always been held jointly as it is OUR money.
- My DH was responsible for figuring out retirement and kids college from his earnings alone. My contribution was to keep household costs down. For 15 years now, I have run the whole household in 15K a month. This includes outsourcing, mortgage, home improvement, travel, buying new cars, tutors, entertaining etc.
- Since we had no pre-nup etc, I was protected financially. We are also highly insured so that if something happens to my DH, I will never have to work for my retirement or to pay for kids college and weddings.
- I would retain my cleaning service and continue to outsource other chores.
- DH would not take a job that would take him away from home. He needed to be as involved as always.
- We would continue to keep our COL low.
Staying back for my family and my kids has been a blessing that I have really enjoyed it to the utmost. We have a very good balanced life. We made some good financial decisions regarding our housing, schooling etc, and we are debt-free apart from a low mortgage.

Soon my youngest will go to college and DH and I want to use the time to ramp up our travelling again. We have a very happy marriage and we like to spend time with each other so it is not as if he or I need to go to work to escape a toxic home environment.

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:It’s common in other countries. As long as it works for the couple, why do you care?

I’m just curious how they can do it without one side feeling resentful.

Im sure there is resentment at times, but i think the roles are clearly defined. Wife takes care of everything on the home front, which is a lot.

If you don't have kids, it's really not a lot of work at all to take care of everything on the home front.

Depends on your standards and the kind of home you have.

Most couples without kids are not living in 15,000 square foot castles with an extensive collection of silver that needs daily polishing.

I mean, I do think that nobody legitimately needs to drop out of the workforce just to care for the house they live in. But I know a lot of middle or low income stay at home moms (of kids in school) who just take amazing care of their homes and don’t outsource a thing and it really is so much more work than it seems.

(And I know the thread isn’t about stay at home moms, but I am just saying that I know people who work as much on their homes as some people do at their jobs)

Agree with you when its a family with kids - typically a family is in a bigger house that is more work to take care of than a childless couple would be, the "family unit" is more work to run because it usually involves 4+ people with different activities, dentist and doctor appts, clothes to buy, rooms to clean, etc + the kids need to be dropped off and picked up from school, and aren't in school the full work day, etc. Being a SAHM is just completely different than a stay at home wife with no kids. Your house doesn't even get that dirty without kids in it. But I just don't see how cleaning and cooking alone - presumably of a smaller home and only for two people - can be enough to fill a day. If someone decides they need to steam clean their curtains once a week, that's just busywork or a hobby to fill the time.

It’s not just cooking and cleaning, I’m sure you know that. I’m talking about diy bathroom renovations when they can’t afford somebody to do it for them, and decorating the house beautifully with stuff they found for free on Craigslist, and fixing a plumbing problem by themselves.

I am the pp with an autoimmune disorder who was unable to have kids. Why do you all care if I stay at home and take a break for a while, if we can be frugal and afford it?

I worked for 20 years, and I would make squat in the DC area in my previous career. Our shit shack takes a lot of work.

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s common in other countries. As long as it works for the couple, why do you care?

I’m just curious how they can do it without one side feeling resentful.

Im sure there is resentment at times, but i think the roles are clearly defined. Wife takes care of everything on the home front, which is a lot.

If you don't have kids, it's really not a lot of work at all to take care of everything on the home front.

Depends on your standards and the kind of home you have.

Most couples without kids are not living in 15,000 square foot castles with an extensive collection of silver that needs daily polishing.

I mean, I do think that nobody legitimately needs to drop out of the workforce just to care for the house they live in. But I know a lot of middle or low income stay at home moms (of kids in school) who just take amazing care of their homes and don’t outsource a thing and it really is so much more work than it seems.

(And I know the thread isn’t about stay at home moms, but I am just saying that I know people who work as much on their homes as some people do at their jobs)

Agree with you when its a family with kids - typically a family is in a bigger house that is more work to take care of than a childless couple would be, the "family unit" is more work to run because it usually involves 4+ people with different activities, dentist and doctor appts, clothes to buy, rooms to clean, etc + the kids need to be dropped off and picked up from school, and aren't in school the full work day, etc. Being a SAHM is just completely different than a stay at home wife with no kids. Your house doesn't even get that dirty without kids in it. But I just don't see how cleaning and cooking alone - presumably of a smaller home and only for two people - can be enough to fill a day. If someone decides they need to steam clean their curtains once a week, that's just busywork or a hobby to fill the time.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s common in other countries. As long as it works for the couple, why do you care?

I’m just curious how they can do it without one side feeling resentful.

I know many couples like this. They met when they were students, often in a professional graduate program. Both worked and when the kids started coming, they decided to have a stay-at-home parent to manage the home front. All of them are still married and happily looking forward their golden years.

This is not what the thread is about. You're talking about women who worked at first, but then stayed home to raise their kids. This thread is about women who get married (assuming in 20s or 30s), don't have kids, and just prefer not to work, but would rather spend their time taking care of the house, cooking, etc., and assuming no extenuating circumstances like a major health issue.

I think women who initially worked but then stayed home to raise their kids are in a different category. First of all, once the kids are grown, it's not as if it's easy to go back to the workforce in the job you left 18 years ago. They may not want a job just for the sake of just having a job... why would they want to flip burgers at McDonald's when they're at a point in their lives with they have significant savings and are very financially well off (albeit due to their DH's work)? I wonder if it were easier to get back in, if more women would choose to go back into their old careers?

I would!!!

OP I generally see what you’re saying. But isn’t it weird that for white women a mere 70 years ago, this was the societal expectation??? And now we look at women like that and think they’re lazy or entitled or have some mystery illness.

My SIL is like this (although she has family money). I don't know what she does all day, although she's a little odd. She can't really function like a "real" adult (her DH and parents do a lot for her). It's not something you'd notice right away, but she just gets flustered so easily and can't seem to do anything on her own. I've long suspected she may have some kind of undiagnosed disability and that her DH is okay with it because now he has access to her family money too. He works in a regular, low stress government job (probably makes 80-100K/year, but they live the lifestyle of millionaires due to her parents.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s common in other countries. As long as it works for the couple, why do you care?

I’m just curious how they can do it without one side feeling resentful.

Im sure there is resentment at times, but i think the roles are clearly defined. Wife takes care of everything on the home front, which is a lot.

If you don't have kids, it's really not a lot of work at all to take care of everything on the home front.

Depends on your standards and the kind of home you have.

Most couples without kids are not living in 15,000 square foot castles with an extensive collection of silver that needs daily polishing.

I mean, I do think that nobody legitimately needs to drop out of the workforce just to care for the house they live in. But I know a lot of middle or low income stay at home moms (of kids in school) who just take amazing care of their homes and don’t outsource a thing and it really is so much more work than it seems.

(And I know the thread isn’t about stay at home moms, but I am just saying that I know people who work as much on their homes as some people do at their jobs)

Anonymous wrote:I have only known two couples like this. In one, the wife had significant family money. In the other, she had multiple sclerosis.

This perfectly captures the people I’ve known like this too. Sometimes she’s independently wealthy (even if not private jet wealthy, wealthy enough to never have to work) and she just has hobbies and does her own thing (in addition to “keeping house”). And more often she has some disabling condition that makes working sufficiently difficult that it’s just not worth it if they don’t need the money.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s common in other countries. As long as it works for the couple, why do you care?

I’m just curious how they can do it without one side feeling resentful.

Im sure there is resentment at times, but i think the roles are clearly defined. Wife takes care of everything on the home front, which is a lot.

If you don't have kids, it's really not a lot of work at all to take care of everything on the home front.

Depends on your standards and the kind of home you have.

Most couples without kids are not living in 15,000 square foot castles with an extensive collection of silver that needs daily polishing.

I mean, I do think that nobody legitimately needs to drop out of the workforce just to care for the house they live in. But I know a lot of middle or low income stay at home moms (of kids in school) who just take amazing care of their homes and don’t outsource a thing and it really is so much more work than it seems.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s common in other countries. As long as it works for the couple, why do you care?

I’m just curious how they can do it without one side feeling resentful.

I know many couples like this. They met when they were students, often in a professional graduate program. Both worked and when the kids started coming, they decided to have a stay-at-home parent to manage the home front. All of them are still married and happily looking forward their golden years.

This is not what the thread is about. You're talking about women who worked at first, but then stayed home to raise their kids. This thread is about women who get married (assuming in 20s or 30s), don't have kids, and just prefer not to work, but would rather spend their time taking care of the house, cooking, etc., and assuming no extenuating circumstances like a major health issue.

I think women who initially worked but then stayed home to raise their kids are in a different category. First of all, once the kids are grown, it's not as if it's easy to go back to the workforce in the job you left 18 years ago. They may not want a job just for the sake of just having a job... why would they want to flip burgers at McDonald's when they're at a point in their lives with they have significant savings and are very financially well off (albeit due to their DH's work)? I wonder if it were easier to get back in, if more women would choose to go back into their old careers?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s common in other countries. As long as it works for the couple, why do you care?

I’m just curious how they can do it without one side feeling resentful.

Im sure there is resentment at times, but i think the roles are clearly defined. Wife takes care of everything on the home front, which is a lot.

If you don't have kids, it's really not a lot of work at all to take care of everything on the home front.

Depends on your standards and the kind of home you have.

Most couples without kids are not living in 15,000 square foot castles with an extensive collection of silver that needs daily polishing.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is there this idea that everyone needs to work? Let's have a Universal Basic Income and see how creative people become. and healthy. I bet it would be a second renaissance.

I think because there is a double standard. A man staying at home all day with no kids while his wife works wouldn’t necessarily be socially acceptable. If we were on a “why does everyone need to work”, that would mean it would apply to men and women equally.

It does apply to men and women equally.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s common in other countries. As long as it works for the couple, why do you care?

I’m just curious how they can do it without one side feeling resentful.

Im sure there is resentment at times, but i think the roles are clearly defined. Wife takes care of everything on the home front, which is a lot.

If you don't have kids, it's really not a lot of work at all to take care of everything on the home front.

Depends on your standards and the kind of home you have.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s common in other countries. As long as it works for the couple, why do you care?

I’m just curious how they can do it without one side feeling resentful.

Im sure there is resentment at times, but i think the roles are clearly defined. Wife takes care of everything on the home front, which is a lot.

If you don't have kids, it's really not a lot of work at all to take care of everything on the home front.