Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Ok, I’ll bite. Beyond when there is abuse, dysfunction etc. I would say that there are some parents who don’t work to build relationships with their kids growing up. They are focused on what needs to get done, and it does. But they don’t allow their kids to get to know them as people. I’m not talking about being friends with them when they’re kids, but with connecting with their kids on a personal level. As people get older, there isn’t much to talk about and especially if a child marries and the spouse is close to their family, moves far away, etc., things can drift off. And if the parent again doesn’t initiate or take steps to make those connections, it can just be a distant relationship.

I’m not saying it’s the parents’ fault. I’m just saying that if the kids don’t feel that emotionally connected to begin with, it’s becomes easier for them to not do as much as one could.


PP, I think you are exactly right. I have been thinking about this a lot lately, as I am struggling through the teenage years with my kids, who have become complete strangers, practically locked into their rooms and only coming out to eat or when they need us to drive them somewhere. It truly frightens me, and I am having a hard time building the bridges back up, and I am especially stressed because we have so little time left with them (they are 15 and 13). I worry about this becoming our permanent state of being if I don't figure out how to fix it within the next year or two.

A wise friend observed to me that parenting doesn't end when a child is 18, it is a lifelong journey. I was a 15 yo teen locked in my room. I loved my parents but didn't have much to say to them. I hated my small town and couldn't wait to leave it. I didn't like my parents' conservative teetotalling religious beliefs and went to college and partied way too much. But starting in young adulthood, I started appreciating my parents for their values and their support of me, especially because they never tried to discourage me from moving to DC, even though I'm sure they would have preferred my living closer. They never nagged me to get married, or to have kids. I was still pretty self-absorbed in my 20s---I was working hard and preferred to vacation with friends---only really coming home 3 or 4 times a year. But over time I grew a lot closer to them. Especially when one parent got cancer---I started calling every morning, just to say "hi" and I visited regularly and was present for most major medical steps in treatment. Now in my 50s, I have one parent left, and I call them daily. My point to this PP is that the relationship my parents had with me at 15 is far, far different than the relationship we grew to have in adulthood.

What they WILL model though, is the relationship you are choosing to have with your own parents. So set a good example and it will come back to you. My father looked after his widowed mother. My mother looked after hers. Even if you have to model appropriate boundary setting (in the event you have a transgressive parent in that regard), you do it within the context of "healthy families are maintained through good treatment of each other, they don't just happen". Your kids are watching, and all is not lost.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We didn’t do much for my MIL when she died. She wasn’t abusive or a bad mother or grandmother at all. I don’t think she had a personality disorder. It seemed to me that she spent her whole life just trying not to be in the way. She didn’t initiate plans, and if she had something else going on when we initiated or it was too difficult to get together, then she would just apologize and say that she couldn’t make it rather than trying to get something to work.

When she died, her husband organized her burial, and DH and his brother put together a little memorial service and calling hours. They said a few words, but no one else really did. My kids had only met her a few times. She wasn’t religious at all, so there wasn’t a sermon.

I’m sure that her friends saw her as a very sweet person, and she was. She just had a small impact.

Maybe she just didn’t care for you and the kids very much?

Yes. Your last line hurt me and I wasn't even there. Small impact? I don't think of anyone that way.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean it as hurtful, but I did use those words on purpose. It was eye opening for me. As I said, she was a sweet person, and she was polite and never bothered anyone. I, myself, and pretty soft spoken and had always thought of her being unobtrusive as a virtue. I had expected that she didn't see us much because she was busy with other things, and that a lot of people would turn up and say what a wonderful person she was. But it turns out that her friends thought they didn't see her much because she was busy off with her grandchildren. In the end, it turns out that if you don't bother anyone, make them a little uncomfortable sometimes, or have them change their plans or their thoughts or their way of doing anything, then you don't make a big impact on anyone.


Np. I think your MIL was in a no win situation. If she had pushed and made you uncomfortable than you would complain about that too. You would say your mil has no boundaries and that she should make her own life. And now she let you live your life you say she had " small impact" maybe she would say the same about you. Did you ever think about that?

Everyone is in a no-win situation.
I’m sure that I would have complained about her if she had pushed to be more involved in our lives. I definitely complain about my own mother and sister, and I know that my kids complain about me. But I would have known her. As it was, I never complained about her.

I think it’s worth taking the risk of being weird or having someone complain about you.