Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know what you mean, OP, and it’s not just having money.
I’m a doctor, and I always feel like I look pretty good when I go to work. I fix my hair and put on make up. But then a pharm rep will come in and look so pulled together that I feel like a schlub.
I know I have more money. It’s something else.

OP here, and yes! This is exactly it. I have money, I am in great shape, I "take care" of myself. I even feel like I have a good eye for color and design because my house is really lovely. But it's like there is something I can't quite put together when it comes to my own appearance.

I also feel like this is harder for since having a kid. I definitely felt more pulled together pre-kids because I had more time to shop (it could be a relaxing hobby instead of something I try to squeeze into my day because I desperately need a new pair of boots or something) and I also never had to think about stuff like my clothes being appropriate for taking the kid to the playground in the evening, or making sure my bag is big enough for a snacks and other random kid detritus.

But that's why I was so impressed with my friends -- they have kids, too, and they still seem to be thoughtfully put together. It feels like there's some secret I'm missing.

Also, it's not about plastic surgery at all. I'm not saying these women look younger or physically better than me. I'm talking about clothes, accessories, and the degree of "polish" in their appearance -- nails are done, hair is styled, bag coordinates well with outfit. They might have crows feet or grays, but they look pulled together. It's a different metric.

Beauty as a hobby PP. I think we may have identified something. I’m hearing two things that I have found to be true and that I want to reflect back to you.

1. There are levels to this game. There’s the average woman, the above average woman, and the knockout. JLo is the knockout. So is the pharma rep and the girl from HS you hate follow on Instagram. She’s invested more time and effort than you ever will, so stop trying to play at that level. I accepted long ago that while I’m above average, what really stopped me from being the knockout is that I invested more time in other areas (largely career and education). So I’ve stopped trying to keep up with someone who has been running a very different race for a very different time. I don’t look down my nose at those women, just accept our different abilities and move on. It’ll preserve yourself self esteem.

2. This is continual work. Your lifestyle changed and it sounds like you haven’t updated your beauty routine to follow it. For example, I had a baby during the pandemic. I used to shop in person all the time and get my nails done on Mondays after work. Doesn’t work anymore with childcare, especially since DH works a ton. I now have a standing Tuesday 2pm appointment for nails. I online shop more and do returns on my lunch break. These things are important to me so I’ve figured out how to adapt and flex as necessary. I have a cute mom bag for carrying snacks, a few pairs of nicer flat shoes, sundresses I can wear to the park, etc.

Thoughts?

Color = Are you cool or warm? I look better with cool jewel-toned colors with my dark hair and pale skin. Blues and emerald greens.

Handbags and shoes = black, nude, and saddle/cognac/natural. That's it. I stick with cognac leather purse and nude shoe. I have evening clutches in metallic gold and silver.

Jewelry = I like gold, so I wear the same pare of gold sapphire solitaire earrings everyday. I have more jewelry but I don't wear it everyday.

Clothes = Do capsule wardrobes. White blouse, chambray blouse, blue jeans, chino pants, floral print skirt, white tee shirt, striped tee shirt,, one or two blazers, and one or two cardigans.

This looks boring but it's simple.

Social media influencers are trying to sell products from their affiliate links.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know what you mean, OP, and it’s not just having money.
I’m a doctor, and I always feel like I look pretty good when I go to work. I fix my hair and put on make up. But then a pharm rep will come in and look so pulled together that I feel like a schlub.
I know I have more money. It’s something else.

OP here, and yes! This is exactly it. I have money, I am in great shape, I "take care" of myself. I even feel like I have a good eye for color and design because my house is really lovely. But it's like there is something I can't quite put together when it comes to my own appearance.

I also feel like this is harder for since having a kid. I definitely felt more pulled together pre-kids because I had more time to shop (it could be a relaxing hobby instead of something I try to squeeze into my day because I desperately need a new pair of boots or something) and I also never had to think about stuff like my clothes being appropriate for taking the kid to the playground in the evening, or making sure my bag is big enough for a snacks and other random kid detritus.

But that's why I was so impressed with my friends -- they have kids, too, and they still seem to be thoughtfully put together. It feels like there's some secret I'm missing.

Also, it's not about plastic surgery at all. I'm not saying these women look younger or physically better than me. I'm talking about clothes, accessories, and the degree of "polish" in their appearance -- nails are done, hair is styled, bag coordinates well with outfit. They might have crows feet or grays, but they look pulled together. It's a different metric.

Instagram is not real even if it seems natural and effortless. Take the example of my lovely sister, she plans ahead well in advance where she will go for her birthday weekend, what she will do there, what outfits she will wear to every activity, then she takes lots of photos. She basically curates her life into these little vignettes. It takes a lot more planning and thought to pull together a look that seems polished yet effortless. Having money means nothing if you don’t hire someone to do all the planning and thinking and shopping for you or if you don’t spend a lot of your own time doing the same.

I find I feel this may more often in the hot months, because I'm always damp and frizzy if I leave the house. So, no makeup or nice clothes. At least in the fall, winter, and early spring, I can walk my kid to school without arriving a sweaty mess, and any makeup I do wear will stay on my face throughout the day.

Anonymous wrote:I know what you mean, OP, and it’s not just having money.
I’m a doctor, and I always feel like I look pretty good when I go to work. I fix my hair and put on make up. But then a pharm rep will come in and look so pulled together that I feel like a schlub.
I know I have more money. It’s something else.

OP here, and yes! This is exactly it. I have money, I am in great shape, I "take care" of myself. I even feel like I have a good eye for color and design because my house is really lovely. But it's like there is something I can't quite put together when it comes to my own appearance.

I also feel like this is harder for since having a kid. I definitely felt more pulled together pre-kids because I had more time to shop (it could be a relaxing hobby instead of something I try to squeeze into my day because I desperately need a new pair of boots or something) and I also never had to think about stuff like my clothes being appropriate for taking the kid to the playground in the evening, or making sure my bag is big enough for a snacks and other random kid detritus.

But that's why I was so impressed with my friends -- they have kids, too, and they still seem to be thoughtfully put together. It feels like there's some secret I'm missing.

Also, it's not about plastic surgery at all. I'm not saying these women look younger or physically better than me. I'm talking about clothes, accessories, and the degree of "polish" in their appearance -- nails are done, hair is styled, bag coordinates well with outfit. They might have crows feet or grays, but they look pulled together. It's a different metric.

Anonymous wrote:

I know what you mean, OP, and it’s not just having money.
I’m a doctor, and I always feel like I look pretty good when I go to work. I fix my hair and put on make up. But then a pharm rep will come in and look so pulled together that I feel like a schlub.
I know I have more money. It’s something else.

It’s money + time + effort + natural genetics. You have to have a baseline of attractiveness to work with (genetics) along with the (time and effort) to put into caring about investing in the work that goes into enhancing those features and in order to do that, because it’s usually involves working out/fitness, good skincare, hair and makeup, nice clothing, you also need the final ingredient (money). A lot of us have at least one of these, maybe 2/3 but are missing a key component that gets us to where these “perfect” people are. So maybe we have plenty of money and a good baseline, but no time. Or maybe we have time but no money. Or good baseline that has potential, but don’t want to put in the effort. So most of us walk around looking medium good and frankly, that’s enough!

I know what you mean, OP, and it’s not just having money.
I’m a doctor, and I always feel like I look pretty good when I go to work. I fix my hair and put on make up. But then a pharm rep will come in and look so pulled together that I feel like a schlub.
I know I have more money. It’s something else.

The right colors are key. A svelte frame helps some too. Manufacturers often design clothes for a woman who is far smaller than most middle-aged American women are.

Anonymous wrote:It is money and caring about it

I am very put together now but have only been this way since I was 40 (I’m now 48). I got a new job that was very high profile(and much higher paid) and was on television a lot. I had to learn quickly as I was previously in a much more analytical behind the scenes role. I was given training on how to look more polished.

Anyway! I now see how much work goes into it. I’m awesome now at applying makeup and have become used to getting my hair done a lot. I’m also better at choosing clothes. But it certainly wasn’t easy for me!!

Tell me more about what you learned!

To OP, get some new, professionally fit bras at Nordstrom, Trousseau, wherever. Will make you feel better. Start there. I’m not very put together day to day. When I’m doing something- having people over, PTA meetings in the before times, anytime when pictures are being taken- vacation, holiday, I am more mindful of how I look. As a meme says, don’t expect the results, if you don’t put in the effort.

The best thing I’ve done for my appearance is getting powder brows. Similar to micro blading, but more bold and defining. I also got a lip blush and have recently switched from getting lash extensions to using Lashify. I don’t wear any foundation or anything else on my face. It’s amazing waking up with a put together face and having it that way even on a lazy day.

I learned my colors from the artist who did my brows and created my pigment color for that. I buy classic and quality clothing that I have tailored.

I exercise, I stay hydrated, I eat reasonably well.

The place I fall short is my hair. It is curly and long and spends considerable time in a braid or bun, but if I get motivated to do it, it looks amazing.

It is money and caring about it

I am very put together now but have only been this way since I was 40 (I’m now 48). I got a new job that was very high profile(and much higher paid) and was on television a lot. I had to learn quickly as I was previously in a much more analytical behind the scenes role. I was given training on how to look more polished.

Anyway! I now see how much work goes into it. I’m awesome now at applying makeup and have become used to getting my hair done a lot. I’m also better at choosing clothes. But it certainly wasn’t easy for me!!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All has to do with age. I dated a few truly beautiful “women” between 20-31. For fun over years on LinkedIn or Facebook take a peak. Most have not aged well at all.

BTW it is intermediating to date a really beautiful women. I recall I had this one girlfriend literally more beautiful than any model or movie star. Five foot nine inch, 120 pounds yet somehow a figure and perfect breads and beautiful blonde hair. I recall folks described her as a much better looking younger version of Christie Brinkley.

She did not work out and ate junk food.

Weird part I took her to two weddings and I could feel the bride wanted to rip her heart out. Even my old uncles were lining up to dance with her. I later took her to my company Xmas party and the posted photos pretty much had her in like 30 percent of shots. She did not work there. I have guys pretty much jump out of cars while I was walking with her.

I dated three girlfriends that level. They are that hot. One girl I dated pre internet got paid to go to clubs and restaurants. They actually pay her to eat and drink. I recall one club owner said 40-100 guys will come on extra if she just sat in front.

But all of them got old

I almost look forward to your creepy posts.

+1. I'm dying to know more about her perfect breads.

It’s the yeast he can do.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All has to do with age. I dated a few truly beautiful “women” between 20-31. For fun over years on LinkedIn or Facebook take a peak. Most have not aged well at all.

BTW it is intermediating to date a really beautiful women. I recall I had this one girlfriend literally more beautiful than any model or movie star. Five foot nine inch, 120 pounds yet somehow a figure and perfect breads and beautiful blonde hair. I recall folks described her as a much better looking younger version of Christie Brinkley.

She did not work out and ate junk food.

Weird part I took her to two weddings and I could feel the bride wanted to rip her heart out. Even my old uncles were lining up to dance with her. I later took her to my company Xmas party and the posted photos pretty much had her in like 30 percent of shots. She did not work there. I have guys pretty much jump out of cars while I was walking with her.

I dated three girlfriends that level. They are that hot. One girl I dated pre internet got paid to go to clubs and restaurants. They actually pay her to eat and drink. I recall one club owner said 40-100 guys will come on extra if she just sat in front.

But all of them got old

I almost look forward to your creepy posts.

+1. I'm dying to know more about her perfect breads.

It’s called having money.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’m a woman like this and to be honest? Beauty and fashion is my hobby. I enjoy watching fashion shows, learning about makeup techniques on YouTube, and chatting with my Derm about new products. Consistently looking pulled together isn’t effortless, but some people enjoy the effort more than others. Here’s what I do:

Standing personal care - hair, nails, skin, brows
Exercise and eat well - count calories every day and try to make sure I MOVE
Wardrobe - I got in a rut and had a personal stylist who helped me spend $7k on my wardrobe. Tons of basic and special pieces. Now a supplement each season and I felt great about my wardrobe.

And with doing all this, there are tons of women who look more pulled together than me. Because they work for it more than I do. More effort.

There is it $7K! All at once or close to it.

PP. I should also mention that this was not done on a whim. It was a very planned splurge after paying off my student loans.