Anonymous
Post 10/14/2021 11:15     Subject: Explain this weird MIL behavior
Anonymous wrote:About two years ago, my ILs moved to be closer to us. They are both in their 70s. We see them frequently and my husband helps them a lot with logistics like plane ticket, insurance, whatever they need. I am also happy to support them when needed.

But my MIL is fixated on us coming over to her house every weekend for a meal. No other meet up plan seems to work for her. If I invite her to my house, she insists that we come to her place instead. If we ask to meet for a picnic, that also seems to cause drama. We did this for father's day and she insisted on doing all the cooking for the picnic, even though I told her everyone likes to eat at the excellent snack bar at the beach. Well, we had to lug 4 bags of food to the beach, and no one ate lukewarm, soggy food from home and everyone wanted chicken tenders, which put her in a bad mood the rest of the picnic. I could not exactly blame my daughter for wanting ice cream over lukewarm custard.

Twice we have made plans to meet them at a restaurant or an event, and she has reluctantly agreed - but then on the day-of I get a text from my FIL saying she isn't feeling well. She isn't sick. I called to check on her the next day and she was at a friends' house.

When we go to her house she is totally overbearing - we have to eat everything. And she comments on how little each of us is eating. She spends a lot of time cooking and seems totally exhausted.

Is this some kind of controlling behavior? Or maybe defining her self-worth through feeding people that is getting worse with age? I get the sense my husband also finds the behavior strange, although this isn't something he openly talks to me about. My FIL generally has no say in the plans - he does everything she wants.

Any insights?




You sound cruel OP. Maybe her love language is feeding people. Be gentle. You would want that, if you are lucky enough to grow old.
Anonymous
Post 10/14/2021 10:42     Subject: Explain this weird MIL behavior
If you really must insist on it not being dinner at her house, at least focus on simple, indoor, mostly sedentary options for activities. By that age your body, energy and hearing are completely different than what you at your age take for granted.

When you are her age you will understand. You are asking to do things that could strain or exhaust her for days afterward, and are so crowded or noisy she can't hear the people she is looking forward to spending time with.
Anonymous
Post 10/12/2021 00:56     Subject: Re:Explain this weird MIL behavior
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:This is her main activity and she makes the prep for it last all week.


OP here. That does compute. She does not have other hobbies or interests.


NP with a different theory: could she have agoraphobia and or anxiety?

Might she only be “comfortable” in her own house?

I recognize the cancellations for outside activities and also the extreme fussiness, hyper focus (and uneasiness) with everyone while in her house.

- recovered agoraphobic

How did you recover?
Anonymous
Post 10/11/2021 22:58     Subject: Explain this weird MIL behavior
Sounds like anxiety which she is desperately trying to conceal. Saw something like this with both my mother and MIL.
Anonymous
Post 10/11/2021 22:49     Subject: Explain this weird MIL behavior
Anonymous wrote:About two years ago, my ILs moved to be closer to us. They are both in their 70s. We see them frequently and my husband helps them a lot with logistics like plane ticket, insurance, whatever they need. I am also happy to support them when needed.

But my MIL is fixated on us coming over to her house every weekend for a meal. No other meet up plan seems to work for her. If I invite her to my house, she insists that we come to her place instead. If we ask to meet for a picnic, that also seems to cause drama. We did this for father's day and she insisted on doing all the cooking for the picnic, even though I told her everyone likes to eat at the excellent snack bar at the beach. Well, we had to lug 4 bags of food to the beach, and no one ate lukewarm, soggy food from home and everyone wanted chicken tenders, which put her in a bad mood the rest of the picnic. I could not exactly blame my daughter for wanting ice cream over lukewarm custard.

Twice we have made plans to meet them at a restaurant or an event, and she has reluctantly agreed - but then on the day-of I get a text from my FIL saying she isn't feeling well. She isn't sick. I called to check on her the next day and she was at a friends' house.

When we go to her house she is totally overbearing - we have to eat everything. And she comments on how little each of us is eating. She spends a lot of time cooking and seems totally exhausted.

Is this some kind of controlling behavior? Or maybe defining her self-worth through feeding people that is getting worse with age? I get the sense my husband also finds the behavior strange, although this isn't something he openly talks to me about. My FIL generally has no say in the plans - he does everything she wants.

Any insights?




My mom is the same way. It’s a generational thing. You have to come to her house and see her there.
Anonymous
Post 09/16/2021 16:26     Subject: Re:Explain this weird MIL behavior
Anonymous wrote:I think it's something that she envisioned herself doing, "Sunday dinners at grandma's!" and she can't let go of the idea, even if it isn't actually awesome in execution. To her, this is what it means to be matriarch or whatever.

I would decide how often I was willing to go to her house for a meal. 1x a month. 1x every two months. Something like that, or less often, really, if that's what works for you. And then just stick to it.

How have the holidays been since they moved closer?


This is so wise. I see a little bit of this with my mother. She has an idea of the family matriarch based on her own experiences growing up, and expectations she’s set for herself.
Anonymous
Post 09/15/2021 22:16     Subject: Explain this weird MIL behavior
I think she is just a very boring person and doesn’t care about anything except food. You can try and suggest a visit to the royal palace but it won’t get her excited in the least. I would just visit, make it short and sweet, and leave the hope of any other type of leisure with them.
Anonymous
Post 09/15/2021 22:03     Subject: Re:Explain this weird MIL behavior
She is annoying about get-togethers, controlling about food, she blabs all about her health problems, doesn't really connect with the kids and has no hobbies/interests.

My question is, how does this situation make you feel, OP?

This thread made me think about my own IL issues, and I came up with an idea ... people generally think IL issues are about jealousy (the classic MIL can't let go of her son for example). But on the DIL side, i think it might be, unresolved feelings about your own parents.

Whether aware of it or not, ILs are like proxies for your own parents, so you will compare them, find them lacking perhaps, etc.

You noted that your own mom died. So maybe you are feeling aggrieved because this MIL is NOT YOUR MOM and you are offended by it, in your heart, because you miss your mom. So itis maybe easy to get bent out of shape by her faults. But her faults aren't THAT bad, it's that you are particularly disappointed by them, because she can't be your mom.

OK so I could be totally off base for you, and you are only worried about dinners, but it made sense for me and my MIL situation so I shared.
Anonymous
Post 09/15/2021 16:00     Subject: Explain this weird MIL behavior
My mom was somewhat like this OP. She had a very sensitive digestive system which she didn't want to ever mention, anxiety, plus control issues.

She had a very hard time eating out (as I do too) but didn't want to come out and just say something about it (like I do.)

It may just be what her mother or grandmother did and she always thought she would do this or that she is obligated to make the food and save her kids money?
Anonymous
Post 09/15/2021 15:26     Subject: Explain this weird MIL behavior
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It's about control and/or insecurity about not feeling needed by anyone.


The "feeling needed" is really helpful. Thanks.
I do suspect that as she is getting older she fears she is losing relevance. She does not follow the news, read or have any hobbies, so it is difficult to have much of a conversation with her.


NP. It sounds like you know all of these possible reasons perfectly well, and you just want to relish the validation of other people besides you saying she feels old, irrelevant, anxious, fearful, losing control. Hope your mean satisfaction is useful to you.



Being acerbic on DCUM seems to give you some kind of mean satisfaction. So you do you.


It isn’t “mean” to look reality in the face. You don’t like your MIL, and you like gossiping about how odd she is.
Anonymous
Post 09/15/2021 14:46     Subject: Explain this weird MIL behavior
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It's about control and/or insecurity about not feeling needed by anyone.


The "feeling needed" is really helpful. Thanks.
I do suspect that as she is getting older she fears she is losing relevance. She does not follow the news, read or have any hobbies, so it is difficult to have much of a conversation with her.


NP. It sounds like you know all of these possible reasons perfectly well, and you just want to relish the validation of other people besides you saying she feels old, irrelevant, anxious, fearful, losing control. Hope your mean satisfaction is useful to you.



Being acerbic on DCUM seems to give you some kind of mean satisfaction. So you do you.
Anonymous
Post 09/15/2021 13:59     Subject: Explain this weird MIL behavior
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It's about control and/or insecurity about not feeling needed by anyone.


The "feeling needed" is really helpful. Thanks.
I do suspect that as she is getting older she fears she is losing relevance. She does not follow the news, read or have any hobbies, so it is difficult to have much of a conversation with her.


NP. It sounds like you know all of these possible reasons perfectly well, and you just want to relish the validation of other people besides you saying she feels old, irrelevant, anxious, fearful, losing control. Hope your mean satisfaction is useful to you.
Anonymous
Post 09/15/2021 13:12     Subject: Explain this weird MIL behavior
Anonymous wrote:What have you tried besides berry picking? That’s not a very good activity for older people, so maybe that isn’t as indicative as you think.


I invited them to holiday boats at the national harbor. But maybe that isnt great either because it was cold. Can you suggest other activities?
Anonymous
Post 09/15/2021 12:59     Subject: Explain this weird MIL behavior
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Is your MIL’s name Marie Barone?


Ha! I was going to ask the same thing!


I also thought Italian when I read the description. It sounds like some of my older Italian relatives. Can you kids help her in the kitchen? That might make a better bonding experience and she can show off her skills. It may also be some early signs of dementia. A lot of elderly become more obsessive about the things that they do know or feel comfortable with as they start losing grip on learning and doing new things. Familiar is comfortable, different is anxiety producing.
OTOH, it may get better with age. In her 60s and 70s, my mom very much wanted Sunday dinner at her house with whoever could come. And there was often conflict because she would overwork herself and get irritable or anxious. Now in her 90s, she is happy to go to someone else’s house—she’s just more tired, got bored of the whole hosting thing, and is happy to have others cook. She’ll still do some of her specialties to bring or have people over for a few times a year, and still has a general preference of having big holidays at her house to use the nice China and so forth.


The problem with helping in the kitchen is that DH will be sitting there watching TV. DD will also find a screen and I'll be the one helping. I try to help as much as I can but I also keep DD engaged by bringing a craft or something for her. Otherwise she gets quite bored there.
Some posters are envisioning a family dinner where we all sit around the table to drink wine, eat good food and laugh and talk. That's not what this is, though. It's more like what you are describing above.
Anonymous
Post 09/15/2021 12:55     Subject: Explain this weird MIL behavior
Anonymous wrote:When you said nearby, I thought you meant 10-20 minutes. Driving almost an hour and a half each week would be a little much for me. And as DD gets older and involved in more activities that may involve weekends, it's going to get harder.

But as you're looking for insight rather than advise, I think it might be a combination of self-worth and control, with a little obsessive-compulsiveness thrown in. My MIL has gradually (and grudgingly) stopped insisting that we and the grown kids come to her house all the time. But she absolutely is controlling about the food. And it's all about how much work she put into it. If we don't take something, she'll spoon it on our plate anyway. Constantly, have some of this, have some of that. Don't you want this?
Talks about what she she shopped for Monday, what she prepped Tuesday, what she cooked ahead Thursday, how she did it, how long it took. The thing is, at this age, it's not going to stop. The only thing you can do is find how to handle it best. Good luck.



Wow, you MIL should make friends with my MIL.
I do agree that it is not going to change and that it might even get worse with age. If I understand it, I'll be more patient, hopefully. And it won't affect me as much.