OP, I HIGHLY recommend that during your sobriety trial with your DH you both download Annie Grace's alcohol experiment app. It's a 30 day, free program where you learn about the science behind alcohol each day. It changed my relationship with alcohol.

OP, I say this as a recovering alcoholic: moderation will never work without him getting treatment for the reasons he drinks to start with. Most alcoholics have gone through periods of sobriety to “prove” they’re not alcoholics at some point.

And the fact that he still works, provides to the household, has never had a DUI, etc. Etc means nothing. I never missed a single day of work and was literally drinking morning until night. I was a full blown “functioning” alcoholic that hadn’t completely torched my life *yet*, although looking at the life I was living then, I would say I’d torched it plenty, just not in a way most people noticed.

Get yourself to Al-anon. Get him into something, anything - but he’s going to have to follow that path himself.

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, a 30 y/o OP should wait a few years until she can confirm he's stone sober. Or divorce and hope she meets and marries another fellow before she needs IVF. Get real.

Get pregnant a-sap and make the bloke grow up now. He's a drunk because he's BORED. You're both too old to not have children running around.

Hi, Mrs. Duggar. OP is very young by DC standards and has plenty of time to create a family, with her DH or with someone else if DH can’t get his drinking under control.

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, a 30 y/o OP should wait a few years until she can confirm he's stone sober. Or divorce and hope she meets and marries another fellow before she needs IVF. Get real.

Get pregnant a-sap and make the bloke grow up now. He's a drunk because he's BORED. You're both too old to not have children running around.

What planet are you on? Alcoholism is not caused by boredom.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are not drinking through the end of the month. Will see how that goes. We have social things planned and my husband suggested we don’t drink during those either when I asked what he thought. I hope to report back with positive news.

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Following (ideally) successful 2.5 weeks of no drinking, we plan to try a plan for moderation that we both agree to. That way I can be sure he is able to go without alcohol and also control consumption going forward, since folks noted that both approaches are worth trying.

OP, you really don't get it. He is much farther gone than you want to believe.

DP - this is really unhelpful. OP is not dealing with repeated conversations and broken promises. It sounds like this current conversation/reaction may be the first or at least the start. I don't see what other choice she has at this point if he is willing to attempt steps to abstain and moderate.

If he fails in the 2.5 weeks or the story is repeating itself in 6 months then it's a different conversation.

Yeah, a 30 y/o OP should wait a few years until she can confirm he's stone sober. Or divorce and hope she meets and marries another fellow before she needs IVF. Get real.

Get pregnant a-sap and make the bloke grow up now. He's a drunk because he's BORED. You're both too old to not have children running around.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Double up on your birth control. This would be unacceptable to me.

This.

Creepy how many people quoted and agreed with this. I'm guessing you're all childless women? Because I'm in my 40s and quite a few girlfriends who admit they themselves and/or their husbands had drinking issues before the first baby. All of them calmed down after the first baby was born – a couple of the husbands became teetotalers. Kids make you grow up, kids make you want to be a better person. Again, hard to believe anyone with children would tell you to "double" birth control or avoid having a baby at 30. Yeah, wait another few years for all of your healthy eggs to be gone.

OP's DH drinks 6-7 drinks on weekdays and more on weekends. That is more than a "drinking issue."

It is not a future child's responsibility to make their father "grow up" or "want to be a better person." A child deserves to be born to parents who are ready, willing, and able to parent responsibly.

https://americanaddictioncenters.org/alcoholism-treatment/alcoholic-father

~ Adult child of alcoholics

I went through a very similar situation. Three years later, my husband has successfully found a treatment that works with his mental health(mental health is often also an issue) and spent some time in rehab for mental health/alcohol abuse. He is coming up on his one year sober-versary, and I am newly pregnant. I understand the risk of relapse but I am incredibly proud of all of the time he has put into his sobriety. I thought about leaving, but I chose to stay, understanding that relapses will happen, but you don’t forget everything you’ve learned along the way in recovery. We’ve both had family with alcohol and mental health issues who self medicated their entire lives, and we hope that we can forge a different way with our own little family, through honesty and compassion regarding theses challenges and our kids’ genetic predispositions.

If your husband is able to moderate successfully, great, if he’s not, know that it may be a long road, but help is available and sobriety is possible. I’ve also cut down on my own drinking, which has helped me be happier and healthier. You’re in my prayers!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Husband also said we could stop drinking entirely if I wanted that. I am considering we try that for a period of time. Would you recommend that approach as opposed to moderation? For a few weeks? Can that help confirm that he does not have an alcohol dependency as he states? I am not convinced he is an alcoholic considering there are some days when he drinks less or not at all. It seems to be worse during periods of stress. He does not think it is a problem because it doesn’t control him. Thanks for the thoughts.

If it doesn't control him, why doesn't *he* decide to stop drinking altogether?

OP, you are enabling him and being avoidant, and the only result of that will be your long-term detriment.

Double up on birth control for sure.

A classic test for an alcohol problem is to set a predetermined limit, say two measured drinks, and try to hold to that for say a couple weeks. This is much harder than an alcohol fast.

Most people with alcohol problems have no idea how much alcohol controls them.

+1 My husband is a problem drinker and he can abstain for MONTHS at a time - he prides himself on being able to do that. He does not drink every day. But when he does drink, he can't stop. The idea proposed by some that you should see if he can abstain for a while may not be enough at all. My DH can do that and his ability to abstain has tricked me to believing that he can control his drinking several times in the past. But it is now clear that he absolutely continues to have a serious binge drinking problem.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Husband also said we could stop drinking entirely if I wanted that. I am considering we try that for a period of time. Would you recommend that approach as opposed to moderation? For a few weeks? Can that help confirm that he does not have an alcohol dependency as he states? I am not convinced he is an alcoholic considering there are some days when he drinks less or not at all. It seems to be worse during periods of stress. He does not think it is a problem because it doesn’t control him. Thanks for the thoughts.

See, here’s the issue. There are some people that just can’t moderate their drinking, and once they start, they can’t stop. Stress brings on the need to drink more and that becomes their coping mechanism, or lack thereof. No drinking becomes just one beer a night, then it’s two and then you’re back in the pattern you originally described. He has to see the problem in this and want to change, and with him projecting a bunch of BS at you (name calling and pickingg FH arguments) tells me he’s not there. Best advice I can offer as someone who deals with this, is Al Anon, detaching and setting boundaries. And don’t have kids with this guy unless he can get this under control.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's an alcoholic. You need to divorce.

That's incredibly harsh. What happened to "in sickness and in health"?

That said- a frank conversation is in order though. You love him, you planned to be married forever, have kids etc. And you cant do that in the state he is currently in. And you want to HELP him, if he is willing to get help.

You dont just instantly divorce.

F that. They do not have kids. He does not think he has a problem and thinks that she is the problem. This is not someone who is ready to change or accept help to do so. OP does not have to stay with an emotionally and verbally abusive addict.

OP, get yourself a counselor who has experience with addiction who can help you understand addiction a little bit more and figure out your boundaries. Try al-anon and see if any of that sounds familiar.

Recovery/sobriety is a lifelong exercise for most alcoholics. It isn’t something a person achieves and then they don’t have to think about it anymore.

Do NOT have kids with him. You’re noticing the red flags. You probably have a gut feeling that you’re trying to ignore. LISTEN TO YOUR GUT.

Ask me how I know…

+1. It does not get any better from here, especially with this kind of blaming and projection going on toward OP. Run like hell. BTDT.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are not drinking through the end of the month. Will see how that goes. We have social things planned and my husband suggested we don’t drink during those either when I asked what he thought. I hope to report back with positive news.

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Following (ideally) successful 2.5 weeks of no drinking, we plan to try a plan for moderation that we both agree to. That way I can be sure he is able to go without alcohol and also control consumption going forward, since folks noted that both approaches are worth trying.

OP, you really don't get it. He is much farther gone than you want to believe.

Based on what evidence?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Husband also said we could stop drinking entirely if I wanted that. I am considering we try that for a period of time. Would you recommend that approach as opposed to moderation? For a few weeks? Can that help confirm that he does not have an alcohol dependency as he states? I am not convinced he is an alcoholic considering there are some days when he drinks less or not at all. It seems to be worse during periods of stress. He does not think it is a problem because it doesn’t control him. Thanks for the thoughts.

OP, sorry to say this, but this is a typical strategy of alcoholics. Some folks like to prove they can stop at any time and do it for awhile but then come back to where they were before. They think they don't have a problem because they managed to stop for a period of time but they are only fooling themselves.

On the other hand, sometimes non-alcoholics are drinking too much and need to change. One time, not long after college, I got black out drunk, got into a car, and wrecked. (Fortunately I was the only one hurt.) This is obviously hugely problematic behavior. I went to a court-ordered, 48 hour treatment program. It was pretty cookie-cutter. They insisted I was an alcoholic. I wasn't. I went 6 months without drinking anything. Then I started drinking again. This was 20 years ago and it hasn't been a problem. I drink a beer, maybe two, in a given evening. I get seriously drunk maybe once every two or three years.

I'm sure that, twenty years ago, if I described how I had been drinking and the car accident, everyone on here would insist that I was an alcoholic -- and for pretty good reason. But I just needed a serious wake up call to knock me out of college drinking patterns. I could control my drinking, but back then it just seemed more fun not to.

As for OP, I agree that drinking just a little is more proof of control than going cold turkey. And I think you probably want to set the goal in terms of months, not weeks.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Double up on your birth control. This would be unacceptable to me.

This.

Creepy how many people quoted and agreed with this. I'm guessing you're all childless women? Because I'm in my 40s and quite a few girlfriends who admit they themselves and/or their husbands had drinking issues before the first baby. All of them calmed down after the first baby was born – a couple of the husbands became teetotalers. Kids make you grow up, kids make you want to be a better person. Again, hard to believe anyone with children would tell you to "double" birth control or avoid having a baby at 30. Yeah, wait another few years for all of your healthy eggs to be gone.

Anonymous wrote:We are not drinking through the end of the month. Will see how that goes. We have social things planned and my husband suggested we don’t drink during those either when I asked what he thought. I hope to report back with positive news.

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Following (ideally) successful 2.5 weeks of no drinking, we plan to try a plan for moderation that we both agree to. That way I can be sure he is able to go without alcohol and also control consumption going forward, since folks noted that both approaches are worth trying.

OP, you really don't get it. He is much farther gone than you want to believe.