I think we as a society should focus more on flexible jobs for BOTH parents and on parents being able to take 1-2 years off to spend time with babies and transition seamlessly back.

Anonymous wrote:No would never not work. I want my daughters to know what an equal partnership looks like so that if and when they married they can expect the same equality and power in their relationship.

Do you define equality by paycheck?

I think equality between spouses is not determined by job status, it happens when there is mutual respect and a general agreement that partnership stakes are always 50/50 regardless of financial contribution. What if one person earns significantly more than the other?

The same can be said for power. If you determine that your paycheck gives you power in your relationship, what happens if you lose your job? Do you also lose your say in your marriage? Or if your partner loses their job? Are they then a lesser partner in your marriage?

Most people agree that rich people shouldn't have more power or say in the community just because they have money, but that is exactly how you are structuring your marriage. Your marriage is actually following the worst kind of capitalist structure - no matter what other factors are at play, money is the final and absolute determiner of power.

Ever since I went back to work, all my daughter sees is a miserable grouch who is always stressed and always tired. I wish I could go back to a life where I was creating art (low to no paycheck), reading a ton, and had the energy to actually be a decent parent and human being.

My spouse is my equal and partner no matter what I earn.

No would never not work. I want my daughters to know what an equal partnership looks like so that if and when they married they can expect the same equality and power in their relationship.

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Anonymous wrote:I am already a SAHM but this has definitely quashed any thoughts I may have had of returning to work any time soon. My kids are early elementary and DH and I have been very thankful I’m not juggling working at home like he is.

Of course your DH is happy. He wants you providing unpaid labor for the family so he can keep his daily life as close to normal as possible during this time. He doesn’t want to watch kids and deal with the daily requirements to keep up a house. That kind of work is for his wife. He tries to only perform work he gets paid for.

You’ve been fooled.

Are you kidding me, SAHM with kids in school is a very cushy life! There is plenty of leisure time mixed in with the “unpaid labor”. I woulda done it if it weren’t kinda brainless

Np. Wow, you are so rude! Who said being SAHM is “brainless.” You sound dumb yourself. I’m actually a WOHM and would love to stay at home if we could afford it. I have a SN kid who would have benefited from me being at home.

SN kid is different, need some skills and expertise for that... but SAH with average NT kids is brainless.

If my kid were SN I’d SAH unless it meant we would literally be on the street.

Well, that would be stupid and short sighted. I work to provide my SN child a trust, therapy, and school that would never be covered by insurance or the state.

I meant during the early years, 0-5 when all of the neural connections are being formed and the one-on-one attention makes the most difference.

And yet, oddly, there is no difference in outcome in longitudinal studies. Also, frankly, common sense will tell you this. I am around a lot of teens and I can't tell you who went to daycare as a toddler. I can tell you who I think has nasty parents, but there is no difference in SAH or WOH in that respect.

You people need to understand that children can be raised successfully in many different ways, not just the one single way that you approve.

Anonymous wrote:Not a popular opinion, but I truly hope so. I think having a parent at home makes life less stressful for everyone. Unfortunately, we have created an economy that makes it difficult for most families. But if you can swing it, I think it’s so beneficial.

Maybe for parents of young children, and when both parents have no flexibility. I would be bored without my job and that is not a dig on women or men who choose to stay home. But with both us having flexible jobs, there is plenty of time to get everything done I want to (family time, help out at school, exercise, cook healthy meals, get good sleep, relax, read, etc.) so I'd have to find a hobby or something if I were suddenly staying home.

Anonymous wrote:Not a popular opinion, but I truly hope so. I think having a parent at home makes life less stressful for everyone. Unfortunately, we have created an economy that makes it difficult for most families. But if you can swing it, I think it’s so beneficial.

I don't think having a parent at home necessarily makes life less stressful; it's too dependent on personalities, financial situation, life circumstances, etc. I think what often gets lost is that there are many jobs that are middle of the road- good (but not great) pay, less stress, and normal working hours. But you wouldn't know it from reading DCUM- you're either working for $40k a year or you're working 80 hours a week for $500k.

If someone wants to stay at home and can legitimately make it work to everyone's satisfaction, then more power to them. I just hope that employers and managers remain conscious of the fact that not every employee has a SAH spouse who can carry the slack like the employers and managers have in their own lives.

Anonymous wrote:Not a popular opinion, but I truly hope so. I think having a parent at home makes life less stressful for everyone. Unfortunately, we have created an economy that makes it difficult for most families. But if you can swing it, I think it’s so beneficial.

I stay at home because I find it less stressful but I don’t wish this lifestyle on anyone who doesn’t want it. It would be sad to me to have a parent forced into a stay at home position due to the pandemic. A child deserves a satisfied, happy parent and for many that means a fulfilling full time job.

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Anonymous wrote:I am already a SAHM but this has definitely quashed any thoughts I may have had of returning to work any time soon. My kids are early elementary and DH and I have been very thankful I’m not juggling working at home like he is.

My husband and I both work. When we have “recess” daddy goes out and plays basketball with them and we alternate making lunch etc. When they need help they ask us both - is anyone on call or in a meeting?

In this house we prioritize equality. And I’m raising sons who won’t expect their mom to to make Daddy’s martini. YMMV.

How would you feel if the husband was the SAHP? I work full-time, as does my husband, so we have chosen to prioritize equality in our household as well. There's nothing either of us can do that the other can't, although we tend to try to play towards our likes/dislikes and strengths/weaknesses when it comes to dividing things up. We personally did not make the decision to have a SAHP for many reasons, but it's ok if other people decide that it's best for them. I just wonder if people who are so against the notion of SAHMs would feel differently if instead a family had a SAHD.

+1
And I don’t know any SAHMs making martinis for their husbands, although my working husband makes me mine! What a comically outdated view.

Anonymous wrote:Not a popular opinion, but I truly hope so. I think having a parent at home makes life less stressful for everyone. Unfortunately, we have created an economy that makes it difficult for most families. But if you can swing it, I think it’s so beneficial.

+ 1

But I STRONGLY wish there were more SAHDs, and that our economy made it easier for both men and women to return to the workforce when their children are older.

Not a popular opinion, but I truly hope so. I think having a parent at home makes life less stressful for everyone. Unfortunately, we have created an economy that makes it difficult for most families. But if you can swing it, I think it’s so beneficial.

I am terrified I will be forced into staying home if I get laid off. Financially we are fine, DH is in tech and is industry is doing fine, and we have a big cushion from me staying in the workforce. My kids are older (8 and 11) and I've personally loved everyone staying home all day to work and do school. I mean I'm not happy about this pandemic, scared for the world etc, but that part has been fine. The kids are busy with school and they are playing together well etc. and we have room to all work etc.

Anyway, I could get laid off this summer and I think it would be very boring so I wouldn't enjoy it. I love my job actually and it's super flexible and now even more so. At least getting laid if in "normal times" would mean taking some time to reassess and chill and enjoy things like shopping or maybe even taking some trips to see girlfriends etc., but now it would just be boring. Also it would probably be a while before I got another job given the state of the economy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am already a SAHM but this has definitely quashed any thoughts I may have had of returning to work any time soon. My kids are early elementary and DH and I have been very thankful I’m not juggling working at home like he is.

My husband and I both work. When we have “recess” daddy goes out and plays basketball with them and we alternate making lunch etc. When they need help they ask us both - is anyone on call or in a meeting?

In this house we prioritize equality. And I’m raising sons who won’t expect their mom to to make Daddy’s martini. YMMV.

How would you feel if the husband was the SAHP? I work full-time, as does my husband, so we have chosen to prioritize equality in our household as well. There's nothing either of us can do that the other can't, although we tend to try to play towards our likes/dislikes and strengths/weaknesses when it comes to dividing things up. We personally did not make the decision to have a SAHP for many reasons, but it's ok if other people decide that it's best for them. I just wonder if people who are so against the notion of SAHMs would feel differently if instead a family had a SAHD.

I’m not choosing too, but I think the result will be the same - for a while at least. I had just quit a fairly bad job and was starting my search for a new one when the virus closed everything. It’s made sense for my husband to focus on being productive and as valuable an employee as possible on his job while I deal with the kids, household, family etc. We have nice savings and can easily live on one salary for awhile.

Looking ahead, I just don’t see that we will get back to a place where we can rely upon school/aftercare/camps for consistent childcare until there’s a vaccine. That could be another year or two away. I have some ideas and contacts for volunteer work to keep me busy when/if the kids are school in the fall but I want to be available for when the schools close again. Once it’s safe, I do plan to go back to work.

“it isn’t no” = “I”

Anonymous wrote:I am already a SAHM but this has definitely quashed any thoughts I may have had of returning to work any time soon. My kids are early elementary and DH and I have been very thankful I’m not juggling working at home like he is.

I am in a similar situation but my kids are 4 and 11. I am very thankful to be a SAHM and it has been great having my husband telework because he splits making meals during the day. To the PPs who think SAHM is mindless work, it isn’t no agree that it isn’t for everyone but it is far from mindless if you are actively engaged with your family and community.