Love me unconditionally, do an unspecified but always increasing amount of work I want done, and maybe some day, possibly, I'll drip feed you a little more sex. . . . if you initiate . . . and the kids haven't pissed me off . . . and if I'm not feeling tired . . . and if my mom hasn't said anything mean to me . . . and if my friends don't need help with anything . . . and if there isn't another episode of The Bachelor on . . . and if I don't have a stomach ache . . . and if . . ......

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I suspect all the "sex doesn't matter and OP should just suck it up" would be angry, ANGRY at the idea of OP having a cyber-affair or a physical affair on the side.

If wives want to be the complete package for their husbands, the default go-to for social outings, etc., then they need to be the complete package. And that, like it or not, includes sex.

It seems to me the "complete package" is when a couple tackle problems together. Having the trust in each other to confide fears and disappointments in each other without fear of reprisal. The complete package would be both spouses saying "this is the way it is, we are who we are, so how can we have the most fun in this relationship? Or should we let each other have more freedom in some way that stays true to our love for each other?"

I totally agree with one thing you said OP: LD has very little to do with the 'bromide' that your wife is overburdened. If you and she both felt safe and limitlessly generous with each other, I bet you'd be having plenty of sex. I'm speaking from experience, if I felt that I could confide my insecurities and desires to my husband, and if he would do the same, and there were no obligation or shame, both reacting with empathy and maybe some humor -- that would be the sexiest thing I could imagine.

My husband took the approach, like you, of staking his claim, saying he is 'entitled' to xyz in a wife, telling me I should see a psychologist to learn why I have this 'problem' of low interest in sex." Guess how often I want to have sex under those circumstances? There was never a chance he would say if you don't want to, I'm fine with that. Entitlement sex was burdensome sex and there is no bigger turnoff. Do you get it OP? It's not her.

Desire/pleasure is the yin, generosity is the yang. You both need both. Tell her you're fine with her exactly as she is, forever and ever. Then try to mean it. It's not a guarantee she'll start to actually want to have sex with you but it is the only hope you have. Either that or let her find someone who will actually love her.

How did that work out for your DH?

Anonymous wrote:
No no. Not dishes or laundry. Making a woman feel beautiful and sexy is so important. And knowing what you're doing in bed doesn't hurt. Some guys just don't get it. Some guys don't last long enough. There are lots of reasons she might just not be that into you. My point is to the op you might stop asking questions about what's wrong with her and start asking what's wrong with you.

Always a valid question; and I'd bet most guys in sexless marriages would *love* it if the problem was with them because then it would be something they could fix. If I just do x, y, and z differently, she'll want to have more sex with me is so much better than having to wait around for her to change something about herself. It puts the power in the person changing.

Unfortunately, you usually don't get that. The wife will probably say something like "you need to make me feel beautiful and sexy." And, of course, that's not a problem with the man - at least not directly. Rather, it's directly a problem with the woman and how she feels. Only secondarily is it a problem with the actions the guy is or isn't taking that, in turn, may trigger those feelings. But god only knows if it's even his actions or inactions causing those feelings. It could be her diet or the time of day or the fact that somebody in the grocery store cut in line or who knows what. Kind of the same thing with "not lasting long enough." Long enough could be 10 minutes or 30 minutes or never depending on how she feels which, again, could be (and probably is) a function of a dozen other variables over which the husband has no control.

There is only so much a HD husband can do on his own. At some point, the LD wife has to be an active participant in fixing the problem. But, since sex isn't something they want, lack of it isn't a "problem" that they put a priority on fixing.

I have a hard time believing that a guy confiding his fears in his wife is a passion stoker. That might be a component of a deeper relationship, but I expect it'd kill the tingles down below which tend to be triggered more by a man being a manly man. That'd doesn't include telling the lady "I'm soooo scared!"

Anonymous wrote:I suspect all the "sex doesn't matter and OP should just suck it up" would be angry, ANGRY at the idea of OP having a cyber-affair or a physical affair on the side.

If wives want to be the complete package for their husbands, the default go-to for social outings, etc., then they need to be the complete package. And that, like it or not, includes sex.

It seems to me the "complete package" is when a couple tackle problems together. Having the trust in each other to confide fears and disappointments in each other without fear of reprisal. The complete package would be both spouses saying "this is the way it is, we are who we are, so how can we have the most fun in this relationship? Or should we let each other have more freedom in some way that stays true to our love for each other?"

I totally agree with one thing you said OP: LD has very little to do with the 'bromide' that your wife is overburdened. If you and she both felt safe and limitlessly generous with each other, I bet you'd be having plenty of sex. I'm speaking from experience, if I felt that I could confide my insecurities and desires to my husband, and if he would do the same, and there were no obligation or shame, both reacting with empathy and maybe some humor -- that would be the sexiest thing I could imagine.

My husband took the approach, like you, of staking his claim, saying he is 'entitled' to xyz in a wife, telling me I should see a psychologist to learn why I have this 'problem' of low interest in sex." Guess how often I want to have sex under those circumstances? There was never a chance he would say if you don't want to, I'm fine with that. Entitlement sex was burdensome sex and there is no bigger turnoff. Do you get it OP? It's not her.

Desire/pleasure is the yin, generosity is the yang. You both need both. Tell her you're fine with her exactly as she is, forever and ever. Then try to mean it. It's not a guarantee she'll start to actually want to have sex with you but it is the only hope you have. Either that or let her find someone who will actually love her.

while I don't think you should say those exact words I think you have a valid point (and I'm a wife). I've had times where my drive has not been there because of caring for our kids and I'm just exhausted. when my DH has brought it up to me I've tried to step it up. He tries to respect the fact that it's not going to be like when we just got married and I try to remember that men and women are very different...I love him and do want to meet his needs. I would def talk to her - if you're marriage is strong at its core then it should go well.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I haven't read the whole thread, but have you ever taken a look at your skills in bed? I am asking because with some men, I am LD and with others I am HD. It depends on how much they make me want it. So maybe the problem is you. I don't mean you need to get rich or ripped. I just mean maybe you aren't getting her rocks off. If a guy isn't getting my rocks off, I'm just not that into it and it isn't going to happen all that much.

What actions do they take that make you want it?

Dishes, laundry? (I hope not, but that's the nonsense a lot of "sexless marriage" articles seem to throw out.)

First off to the op I bet she's faking it. Seriously. She probably just wants you off her so she can go to sleep.

No no. Not dishes or laundry. Making a woman feel beautiful and sexy is so important. And knowing what you're doing in bed doesn't hurt. Some guys just don't get it. Some guys don't last long enough. There are lots of reasons she might just not be that into you. My point is to the op you might stop asking questions about what's wrong with her and start asking what's wrong with you.

1437, you are my hero. Best response on D.C. UM!

Anonymous wrote:OP I haven't read the whole thread, but have you ever taken a look at your skills in bed? I am asking because with some men, I am LD and with others I am HD. It depends on how much they make me want it. So maybe the problem is you. I don't mean you need to get rich or ripped. I just mean maybe you aren't getting her rocks off. If a guy isn't getting my rocks off, I'm just not that into it and it isn't going to happen all that much.

What actions do they take that make you want it?

Dishes, laundry? (I hope not, but that's the nonsense a lot of "sexless marriage" articles seem to throw out.)

Anonymous wrote:OP I haven't read the whole thread, but have you ever taken a look at your skills in bed? I am asking because with some men, I am LD and with others I am HD. It depends on how much they make me want it. So maybe the problem is you. I don't mean you need to get rich or ripped. I just mean maybe you aren't getting her rocks off. If a guy isn't getting my rocks off, I'm just not that into it and it isn't going to happen all that much.

She gets her rock off everytime.

OP I haven't read the whole thread, but have you ever taken a look at your skills in bed? I am asking because with some men, I am LD and with others I am HD. It depends on how much they make me want it. So maybe the problem is you. I don't mean you need to get rich or ripped. I just mean maybe you aren't getting her rocks off. If a guy isn't getting my rocks off, I'm just not that into it and it isn't going to happen all that much.

Anonymous wrote:20 minutes is pretty decent for a work night.

It takes DH 20 minutes just to get excited enough to come.