Anonymous wrote:There is so much wrong with all of this. Get the 3 yr old to clean up her mess. She made it, not the DH. And again you want to control your husband on "his" time after he spent all morning with the daughter. He wants to relax on his time, after a week long trip, like you did on "your" time. He doesn't want to go to the park to chase a kid around. Why can't he also spend his time doing things that make him feel good?

Anonymous wrote:If the sand’s existence is bothering you, just vacuum it. Or don’t vacuum it. But it’s not fair to expect him to do it on your timeline (which seems to be asap).

Sounds like a lot of tit for that after hearing the sand story.

Anonymous wrote:I'm in a FB group of about 60 moms and I remember one of them starting a post about how her husband kept refilling a dirty pot with new suds instead of just cleaning in. And we were all, oh you poor thing, he sounds awful, and she said . . . No, this is the man I love. This is funny to me. I don't care if he's ever going to clean the pot. I just laugh at the insanity of refilling it with water 10 times instead of just cleaning it.

I remember thinking, oh, I could just . . . laugh at my husband's foibles? It wasn't a lesson I had really learned yet. I think I've learned it now. The key is just to be in an earnest place. No tit for tat, just giving the benefit of the doubt. Why assume your husband knows the sand is driving you crazy and is choosing not to vacuum it just to treat you like a maid? That's not the simplest explanation. The simplest explanation is that it's not a big deal to him and he honestly believes he'll get to it later. He isn't aware of his tendency to put things off (and maybe the fact that you swoop in and do them before he has to recognize that he's bad at follow through is compounding things). He feels like being tired after travel is a good enough reason to give himself a break.

I DO think he should understand how his actions impact you. I just wouldn't assign malice to this failure on his part. The way you make this happen is by doing your part to give grace, give the benefit of the doubt, etc. That doesn't mean eating your frustration. It just means that when you express it, you do it like this: "I know you're so exhausted, which I totally get, but this sand is driving me crazy and I know you don't want a crazy wife. Could you please handle it before dinner?" The feelings underneath your request are slight amusement at your husband's silliness, slight amusement at your own silliness, and a desire to have peace while also not having sand on your floor.

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I haven’t been on in a few days. Dh got back from his trip, I had therapy, and I’ve obviously been busy solo with my dd for the week. I’ve been trying really hard to dwell on the positive and give him the benefit of the doubt. We had our normal day schedule today. I spent the morning doing things that made me feel good. Went to a Zumba class, went thrift store shopping etc. I had plans to take dd to a very cool
Playground far from our house and to make a nice outing of it. I asked dh if he wanted to join to make it a family outing. He said he wanted to but was too tired from his trip. He took dd to play in the sandbox at our neighborhood playground this morning. Looks like she had a good time, bc there is a pile of sand from her shoes that dh dumped out by the front door. I
Like an actual small pile of sand. I cheerfully asked dh this afternoon what that was about. He said dd’s shoes were full of sand and he hadn’t gotten around to vacuuming it up yet. I cheerfully said ok, cool.

Dh has spent the evening watching boxing and basketball. The pile of sand is still there.
(No this isn’t me being petty about sand)
It’s a microcosm. A part of me wants to clean it up (martyr?) just to be done with it already.
A part of me says, hell no! He’s an able bodied adult in this home. Why should I clean up a mess he made?
Another part of me- that incessant drum beat- is saying…this is never going to change. If I ask him to clean it up, he will accuse me of being a nag. I know it’s not even on his radar to clean it. He’s just waiting for me to handle it.

We used to have a lot of fun. We used to be wildly madly into each other. As someone posted earlier, it’s hard to be that carefree easygoing girl I was at 21 when we met, when so much has changed. I miss the peace quiet and routine me and dd had while he was gone. I’m tired of walking on eggshells. Literally ruminating on whether it’s worth it to “disturb the peace” and mention that the sand again. I’d rather jsut clean it myself (martyr) than risk the blowback I’ll get from asking him to do it. That will fuel my resentful fire. Lather rinse repeat.

Anonymous wrote:It feels like I either have to spend my life cleaning up after another adult, like a maid
Or
I have to bite my tongue and accept that my husband won’t do the things he says he will do, and we live like hyenas?

The vacuum is still there, next to the pile of sand. He is casually watching Sunday morning shows.

Anonymous wrote:It feels like I either have to spend my life cleaning up after another adult, like a maid
Or
I have to bite my tongue and accept that my husband won’t do the things he says he will do, and we live like hyenas?

The vacuum is still there, next to the pile of sand. He is casually watching Sunday morning shows.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I haven’t been on in a few days. Dh got back from his trip, I had therapy, and I’ve obviously been busy solo with my dd for the week. I’ve been trying really hard to dwell on the positive and give him the benefit of the doubt. We had our normal day schedule today. I spent the morning doing things that made me feel good. Went to a Zumba class, went thrift store shopping etc. I had plans to take dd to a very cool
Playground far from our house and to make a nice outing of it. I asked dh if he wanted to join to make it a family outing. He said he wanted to but was too tired from his trip. He took dd to play in the sandbox at our neighborhood playground this morning. Looks like she had a good time, bc there is a pile of sand from her shoes that dh dumped out by the front door. I
Like an actual small pile of sand. I cheerfully asked dh this afternoon what that was about. He said dd’s shoes were full of sand and he hadn’t gotten around to vacuuming it up yet. I cheerfully said ok, cool.

Dh has spent the evening watching boxing and basketball. The pile of sand is still there.
(No this isn’t me being petty about sand)
It’s a microcosm. A part of me wants to clean it up (martyr?) just to be done with it already.
A part of me says, hell no! He’s an able bodied adult in this home. Why should I clean up a mess he made?
Another part of me- that incessant drum beat- is saying…this is never going to change. If I ask him to clean it up, he will accuse me of being a nag. I know it’s not even on his radar to clean it. He’s just waiting for me to handle it.

We used to have a lot of fun. We used to be wildly madly into each other. As someone posted earlier, it’s hard to be that carefree easygoing girl I was at 21 when we met, when so much has changed. I miss the peace quiet and routine me and dd had while he was gone. I’m tired of walking on eggshells. Literally ruminating on whether it’s worth it to “disturb the peace” and mention that the sand again. I’d rather jsut clean it myself (martyr) than risk the blowback I’ll get from asking him to do it. That will fuel my resentful fire. Lather rinse repeat.

OP, I'm a mom who needs a lot of "me time". I also have an only child, similar stage, and still feel overwhelmed sometimes. So I get some of your perspective.

Here's my advice: LET THE SAND GO. It doesn't matter.

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I haven’t been on in a few days. Dh got back from his trip, I had therapy, and I’ve obviously been busy solo with my dd for the week. I’ve been trying really hard to dwell on the positive and give him the benefit of the doubt. We had our normal day schedule today. I spent the morning doing things that made me feel good. Went to a Zumba class, went thrift store shopping etc. I had plans to take dd to a very cool
Playground far from our house and to make a nice outing of it. I asked dh if he wanted to join to make it a family outing. He said he wanted to but was too tired from his trip. He took dd to play in the sandbox at our neighborhood playground this morning. Looks like she had a good time, bc there is a pile of sand from her shoes that dh dumped out by the front door. I
Like an actual small pile of sand. I cheerfully asked dh this afternoon what that was about. He said dd’s shoes were full of sand and he hadn’t gotten around to vacuuming it up yet. I cheerfully said ok, cool.

Dh has spent the evening watching boxing and basketball. The pile of sand is still there.
(No this isn’t me being petty about sand)
It’s a microcosm. A part of me wants to clean it up (martyr?) just to be done with it already.
A part of me says, hell no! He’s an able bodied adult in this home. Why should I clean up a mess he made?
Another part of me- that incessant drum beat- is saying…this is never going to change. If I ask him to clean it up, he will accuse me of being a nag. I know it’s not even on his radar to clean it. He’s just waiting for me to handle it.

We used to have a lot of fun. We used to be wildly madly into each other. As someone posted earlier, it’s hard to be that carefree easygoing girl I was at 21 when we met, when so much has changed. I miss the peace quiet and routine me and dd had while he was gone. I’m tired of walking on eggshells. Literally ruminating on whether it’s worth it to “disturb the peace” and mention that the sand again. I’d rather jsut clean it myself (martyr) than risk the blowback I’ll get from asking him to do it. That will fuel my resentful fire. Lather rinse repeat.

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I haven’t been on in a few days. Dh got back from his trip, I had therapy, and I’ve obviously been busy solo with my dd for the week. I’ve been trying really hard to dwell on the positive and give him the benefit of the doubt. We had our normal day schedule today. I spent the morning doing things that made me feel good. Went to a Zumba class, went thrift store shopping etc. I had plans to take dd to a very cool
Playground far from our house and to make a nice outing of it. I asked dh if he wanted to join to make it a family outing. He said he wanted to but was too tired from his trip. He took dd to play in the sandbox at our neighborhood playground this morning. Looks like she had a good time, bc there is a pile of sand from her shoes that dh dumped out by the front door. I
Like an actual small pile of sand. I cheerfully asked dh this afternoon what that was about. He said dd’s shoes were full of sand and he hadn’t gotten around to vacuuming it up yet. I cheerfully said ok, cool.

Dh has spent the evening watching boxing and basketball. The pile of sand is still there.
(No this isn’t me being petty about sand)
It’s a microcosm. A part of me wants to clean it up (martyr?) just to be done with it already.
A part of me says, hell no! He’s an able bodied adult in this home. Why should I clean up a mess he made?
Another part of me- that incessant drum beat- is saying…this is never going to change. If I ask him to clean it up, he will accuse me of being a nag. I know it’s not even on his radar to clean it. He’s just waiting for me to handle it.

We used to have a lot of fun. We used to be wildly madly into each other. As someone posted earlier, it’s hard to be that carefree easygoing girl I was at 21 when we met, when so much has changed. I miss the peace quiet and routine me and dd had while he was gone. I’m tired of walking on eggshells. Literally ruminating on whether it’s worth it to “disturb the peace” and mention that the sand again. I’d rather jsut clean it myself (martyr) than risk the blowback I’ll get from asking him to do it. That will fuel my resentful fire. Lather rinse repeat.

Anonymous wrote:If the sand’s existence is bothering you, just vacuum it. Or don’t vacuum it. But it’s not fair to expect him to do it on your timeline (which seems to be asap).

Sounds like a lot of tit for that after hearing the sand story.