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Anonymous wrote:My MIL clicks her dentures habitually, will leave her stuff all over the house and yell at the kids for messing with it (2 and 4), and is antisemitic and goes off on related diatribes.

You let an antisemitic person stay under your roof and interact with your children when she actually says antisemetic things in your home? Guess what that makes you?

Someone who is trying to negotiate complex relationships?

You teach your kids that it is a “complex” matter to make it plain that you will not have anyone say antisemitic things in your presence? If someone said something like that in my home, they would be given one opportunity to apologize to all who were in earshot and vow never to say it again. If they did not take that opportunity, or if they said anything else of the kind, they would be escorted out and they would not be welcome in my home again, ever. If they apologized profusely I would consider meeting with them elsewhere, maybe.

DP here. What if it’s your husband’s mother and he didn’t agree with you. You’ll throw down the gauntlet and ask for a divorce?

I didn’t marry someone who is OK with antisemitism, so that’s not a problem. She would be asked to leave, and she wouldn’t be back in our home. Period. If you are antisemitic, or tolerate antisemitism in your home, that’s on you. That’s not how it goes in our house.

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Anonymous wrote:My MIL clicks her dentures habitually, will leave her stuff all over the house and yell at the kids for messing with it (2 and 4), and is antisemitic and goes off on related diatribes.

You let an antisemitic person stay under your roof and interact with your children when she actually says antisemetic things in your home? Guess what that makes you?

Someone who is trying to negotiate complex relationships?

You teach your kids that it is a “complex” matter to make it plain that you will not have anyone say antisemitic things in your presence? If someone said something like that in my home, they would be given one opportunity to apologize to all who were in earshot and vow never to say it again. If they did not take that opportunity, or if they said anything else of the kind, they would be escorted out and they would not be welcome in my home again, ever. If they apologized profusely I would consider meeting with them elsewhere, maybe.

DP here. What if it’s your husband’s mother and he didn’t agree with you. You’ll throw down the gauntlet and ask for a divorce?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL clicks her dentures habitually, will leave her stuff all over the house and yell at the kids for messing with it (2 and 4), and is antisemitic and goes off on related diatribes.

You let an antisemitic person stay under your roof and interact with your children when she actually says antisemetic things in your home? Guess what that makes you?

Someone who is trying to negotiate complex relationships?

You teach your kids that it is a “complex” matter to make it plain that you will not have anyone say antisemitic things in your presence? If someone said something like that in my home, they would be given one opportunity to apologize to all who were in earshot and vow never to say it again. If they did not take that opportunity, or if they said anything else of the kind, they would be escorted out and they would not be welcome in my home again, ever. If they apologized profusely I would consider meeting with them elsewhere, maybe.

Once again, SIL is filing her nails while sitting on the coach. She doesn't own a nail clipper, she files her nails down for like an hour. It's so disgusting. I will be breaking out the vacuum as soon as she gets up.

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Anonymous wrote:My MIL clicks her dentures habitually, will leave her stuff all over the house and yell at the kids for messing with it (2 and 4), and is antisemitic and goes off on related diatribes.

You let an antisemitic person stay under your roof and interact with your children when she actually says antisemetic things in your home? Guess what that makes you?

Just like all the parents of kids home from college right now. It's very en vogue to be antisemitic lately.

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Anonymous wrote:DH just told MIL for the third time that no, we won’t be putting food on the table and passing. We’ll be serving it buffet-style from the island. She’s fighting her on this and he finally said, “No one wants to pass and pass and monitor what each other is or is not eating. We all just want to make a plate and eat.” Which has always been MY argument for hating family-style service.

(Nelson voice Ha ha!

Nice! My MIL also refuses to understand that passing family style is no longer a popular way of serving. And I agree that one of the main motivations for old people liking it is that they like to see who is taking what and how much.

really? what do you do on a daily basis? and do people really care about seeing what other people eat (that seems odd and slightly disordered)

NP. On a daily basis, we put food on the island, and either self-serve or one adult serves for the kids or whatever. Occasionally DH and I will ask the other if they want us to make them a plate. But mostly, everyone makes their own plate.

Anyway, I see you’ve never been part of an interminably long pass, pass, pass, pass holiday dinner. They are the WORST. A huge casserole dish hovering in midair while Aunt Bertha hems and haws about whether she wants this dish or that. Or MIL asks why you aren’t eating mashed rutabagas. Or FIL says “wow, you’re taking a LOT of mashed potatoes.” So much commentary about who is eating what and how much, or how no one is eating the yams and you really need to take some yams. Meanwhile the food is getting cold instead of being eaten. It’s so laborious and unnecessary.

We pass food around and this kind of thing never happens.

My in laws always did the pass thing and the food was always cold. We did it ourselves this year and the food was cold. It's problematic if you have a lot of people. My mil is an extremely controlling person and watched every portion a person took. They expect everyone to finish everything on their plate. The first time I ate with them when I was dating my now dh, my sil lectured me loudly at the table that I didn't finish three grains of corn. No one stopped her. She also lectured me because I didn't cross myself after they said grace. The fool didn't know that's a Catholic thing. My dh's family is unfailingly rude.

Food gets cold at the same rate when it’s sitting on an island in the kitchen as when it’s on the dining room table, unless the dishes are on an actual heat source of whatever type. The laws of physics apply in both places.

You cannot possibly be this dense.

Buffet in the kitchen - everyone lines up at once, fills their plates with each item, eats. Hot food.

“Family style” - every individual item passed around many people at a family table, everyone waits for it to be passed every single item by item while people either about how much to take. Lukewarm food at best.

Glad I could help.

NP. I simply disagree. The food will also get cold while you stand in the buffet line to serve yourself, unless the food is in chafing dishes over heaters. One way is not superior to the other. Also, even if you serve buffet style, I can look over at Cousin Max’s plate and see that he has taken a pound of mashed potatoes and no Brussels sprouts, and confront him about his hatred of green vegetables, should I so choose.

Mmkay, but you’ll still be wrong. Shrug.

She’s not wrong. Unless your family all has really short arms and needs to get up every time a dish is passed? Or maybe no arms at all? There is no significant time difference when getting food buffet style vs. family style. If you have 20 people for the meal the last guy in the buffet line will get the lukewarm food you are trying to avoid.

There is virtually no waiting in buffet. You keep it moving. Whereas with family style it’s just pass, pass, pass, and the table is way too crowded and comfortable.

Ridiculous. Whenever I'm at a buffet, there's always someone in front of me lingering over the salad, picking around the olives. Or trying to decide between the brisket and the chicken. You just prefer buffet, for reasons of your own, but it is not faster, indicative of hotter food, or in any way superior. You do you, I'll do me. We're not changing each other's minds so stop trying.

Who has olives on a buffet?

My family has black olives at every gathering.

Like from a can?

Yes.

When I was a kid, every gathering had these. I would put them on all of my fingers and become a spider. Good times!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL clicks her dentures habitually, will leave her stuff all over the house and yell at the kids for messing with it (2 and 4), and is antisemitic and goes off on related diatribes.

You let an antisemitic person stay under your roof and interact with your children when she actually says antisemetic things in your home? Guess what that makes you?

Someone who is trying to negotiate complex relationships?

Anonymous wrote:My MIL clicks her dentures habitually, will leave her stuff all over the house and yell at the kids for messing with it (2 and 4), and is antisemitic and goes off on related diatribes.

You let an antisemitic person stay under your roof and interact with your children when she actually says antisemetic things in your home? Guess what that makes you?

I remember one Christmas I had my sister, BIL and mom staying with me, and my sister showed up with all her ingredients to start her Christmas baking in my kitchen. She wanted to give cookies and treats to all our extended family. I have one oven. I let her do it but told her not to plan on that again.

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Anonymous wrote:Appetizer of ham slices rolled around dill pickle and cream cheese.

My office had a holiday pot luck last week and someone brought these - I immediately thought of this thread, LOL!

Midwest sushi!

My MIL clicks her dentures habitually, will leave her stuff all over the house and yell at the kids for messing with it (2 and 4), and is antisemitic and goes off on related diatribes.

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Anonymous wrote:Last Thanksgiving my SIL came out of her basement and handed DH a white-and-gold wrapped gift. It was a wedding gift -- from when he married his first wife. Thirty freaking years ago. We have been together 20 and married for seven. Apparently it was a gift from some family member that gave it to her to give them and she never did? And after all these years she felt Thanksgiving with me sitting next to him was the perfect time to come hand it to him?

I would laugh if that happened to me!

Our first Christmas together I opened up this box of Christmas decorations that my husband had brought into the marriage and there was an ornament that said “our first Christmas” with his name and his ex wife’s name and I remember feeling young and insecure and really upset. I just didn’t need a reminder that he had had this whole life without me.

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Anonymous wrote:DH just told MIL for the third time that no, we won’t be putting food on the table and passing. We’ll be serving it buffet-style from the island. She’s fighting her on this and he finally said, “No one wants to pass and pass and monitor what each other is or is not eating. We all just want to make a plate and eat.” Which has always been MY argument for hating family-style service.

(Nelson voice:) Ha ha!

Nice! My MIL also refuses to understand that passing family style is no longer a popular way of serving. And I agree that one of the main motivations for old people liking it is that they like to see who is taking what and how much.

really? what do you do on a daily basis? and do people really care about seeing what other people eat (that seems odd and slightly disordered)

NP. On a daily basis, we put food on the island, and either self-serve or one adult serves for the kids or whatever. Occasionally DH and I will ask the other if they want us to make them a plate. But mostly, everyone makes their own plate.

Anyway, I see you’ve never been part of an interminably long pass, pass, pass, pass holiday dinner. They are the WORST. A huge casserole dish hovering in midair while Aunt Bertha hems and haws about whether she wants this dish or that. Or MIL asks why you aren’t eating mashed rutabagas. Or FIL says “wow, you’re taking a LOT of mashed potatoes.” So much commentary about who is eating what and how much, or how no one is eating the yams and you really need to take some yams. Meanwhile the food is getting cold instead of being eaten. It’s so laborious and unnecessary.

We pass food around and this kind of thing never happens.

My in laws always did the pass thing and the food was always cold. We did it ourselves this year and the food was cold. It's problematic if you have a lot of people. My mil is an extremely controlling person and watched every portion a person took. They expect everyone to finish everything on their plate. The first time I ate with them when I was dating my now dh, my sil lectured me loudly at the table that I didn't finish three grains of corn. No one stopped her. She also lectured me because I didn't cross myself after they said grace. The fool didn't know that's a Catholic thing. My dh's family is unfailingly rude.

Food gets cold at the same rate when it’s sitting on an island in the kitchen as when it’s on the dining room table, unless the dishes are on an actual heat source of whatever type. The laws of physics apply in both places.

You cannot possibly be this dense.

Buffet in the kitchen - everyone lines up at once, fills their plates with each item, eats. Hot food.

“Family style” - every individual item passed around many people at a family table, everyone waits for it to be passed every single item by item while people either about how much to take. Lukewarm food at best.

Glad I could help.

NP. I simply disagree. The food will also get cold while you stand in the buffet line to serve yourself, unless the food is in chafing dishes over heaters. One way is not superior to the other. Also, even if you serve buffet style, I can look over at Cousin Max’s plate and see that he has taken a pound of mashed potatoes and no Brussels sprouts, and confront him about his hatred of green vegetables, should I so choose.

Mmkay, but you’ll still be wrong. Shrug.

NP. Buffets are really déclassé. Beloved by patrons of Golden Corral and similar. The thought of recreating this in my home gives me shivers.

The thought of being hosted in your home gives me shivers. 😵‍💫

My side of the family has 25-30 people show up. How does passing work in this scenario?

I think buffets are fine, and that OP is very self centered for judging her in laws for serving family style and then getting offended when they judged her back.

In our family, we gather a lot, and there are usually 15 to 25 people. We do a variety of things, in part depending on what we're serving, and who is there. Usually we end up with some kind of variation on family style.

But here are a few things that help when we do family style.

One is that we don't have a single table that fits 25 people, so there are 2 - 3 tables, and each one has a set of dishes with the food.

We often do buffet style salad (because we have some picky eaters so everyone wants to assemble their own), and then everyone takes their salad plate to the table.

We usually serve the entrees next, and then put those serving dishes on an island or buffet, and bring the sides. Inevitably, the first person who wants seconds of entrees is a teenager, and they jump up, get the platter, and walk it around to everyone at the table who wants seconds and then they put it back.

Because we gather a lot, almost everyone has figured out the routine of taking some (or not) and passing it on in a set direction. The few people who haven't, because they are under 5 or have dementia, or whatever, are seated next to someone who gets it and knows it's their role to be that person's helper. We generally don't seat those people next to their primary caregiver because that person deserves a break, although of course with young children it's up to their parent.

Does it work better than a buffet? I dunno. I don't think it works worse.

The amazing buffet we had took up the entire large kitchen island at my SIL’s house. No way that all would have fit in the center of her large dining room table. Mmmmm - I wish I could go back and eat everything again!

Anonymous wrote:Appetizer of ham slices rolled around dill pickle and cream cheese.

My office had a holiday pot luck last week and someone brought these - I immediately thought of this thread, LOL!