Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m still stuck on letting a grown man take all these girls to Airbnb’s for out of town trips with no other adults/parents present. No one working with children should be given this kind of access. There were signs that he was inappropriate and the signs were completely ignored because parents wanted the status and success and scholarship money more than safety for their children. Period.

The problem with this thinking is that it allows you -- us -- to imagine that we are all sooo different from those Whitman parents, that different parents -- better parents -- would have noticed the signs and put a stop to things long ago.

Forget the part where that's a pretty uncharitable caricature of the Whitman community -- but it doesn't keep anyone safer. The fact is -- and this is backed up by research, feel free to google -- that we're all susceptible to manipulation. Predators show up in all kinds of communities. We are all vulnerable, to different degrees. All of our communities are full of individuals and families that are goal-driven, hardworking, that are achieve this or that. Our kindness makes us vulnerable. Our tendency to believe the best of people makes us vulnerable.

There's a litany of human psychological traits that make us easy prey for the most nefarious among us.

So yes to safeguards, yes to learning lessons. But the blame/shame thing here is, at best, not very constructive. And at worst, it's cruel.

Stop wagging your fingers and open your ears. Every community has voices that are marginalized and not listened to. Find the voices at your school. trust me they are there.

NP. Neither I nor any of the parents I know would be comfortable with our girls staying at an air BNB with a male coach and no female parent chaperones. For whatever reason, this was an extremely poor and reckless choice.

Also, it's clear the board with the exception of the dissenting parent, choose anticipated success of well-being.

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone given a good reason why the Board handed over the letter of complaint to the Coach this past summer (before he was arrested)? Anyone had to know that would chill further complaints. The justifications in the article, such as that the girls had not requested confidentiality, seemed pretty weak. I believe that many of the crew parents did not have all the facts, but that one fairly recent decision by the Board members seems pretty indefensible given that these concerns had been raised before.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m still stuck on letting a grown man take all these girls to Airbnb’s for out of town trips with no other adults/parents present. No one working with children should be given this kind of access. There were signs that he was inappropriate and the signs were completely ignored because parents wanted the status and success and scholarship money more than safety for their children. Period.

The problem with this thinking is that it allows you -- us -- to imagine that we are all sooo different from those Whitman parents, that different parents -- better parents -- would have noticed the signs and put a stop to things long ago.

Forget the part where that's a pretty uncharitable caricature of the Whitman community -- but it doesn't keep anyone safer. The fact is -- and this is backed up by research, feel free to google -- that we're all susceptible to manipulation. Predators show up in all kinds of communities. We are all vulnerable, to different degrees. All of our communities are full of individuals and families that are goal-driven, hardworking, that are achieve this or that. Our kindness makes us vulnerable. Our tendency to believe the best of people makes us vulnerable.

There's a litany of human psychological traits that make us easy prey for the most nefarious among us.

So yes to safeguards, yes to learning lessons. But the blame/shame thing here is, at best, not very constructive. And at worst, it's cruel.

Stop wagging your fingers and open your ears. Every community has voices that are marginalized and not listened to. Find the voices at your school. trust me they are there.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m still stuck on letting a grown man take all these girls to Airbnb’s for out of town trips with no other adults/parents present. No one working with children should be given this kind of access. There were signs that he was inappropriate and the signs were completely ignored because parents wanted the status and success and scholarship money more than safety for their children. Period.

The problem with this thinking is that it allows you -- us -- to imagine that we are all sooo different from those Whitman parents, that different parents -- better parents -- would have noticed the signs and put a stop to things long ago.

Forget the part where that's a pretty uncharitable caricature of the Whitman community -- but it doesn't keep anyone safer. The fact is -- and this is backed up by research, feel free to google -- that we're all susceptible to manipulation. Predators show up in all kinds of communities. We are all vulnerable, to different degrees. All of our communities are full of individuals and families that are goal-driven, hardworking, that are achieve this or that. Our kindness makes us vulnerable. Our tendency to believe the best of people makes us vulnerable.

There's a litany of human psychological traits that make us easy prey for the most nefarious among us.

So yes to safeguards, yes to learning lessons. But the blame/shame thing here is, at best, not very constructive. And at worst, it's cruel.

Stop wagging your fingers and open your ears. Every community has voices that are marginalized and not listened to. Find the voices at your school. trust me they are there.

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone given a good reason why the Board handed over the letter of complaint to the Coach this past summer (before he was arrested)? Anyone had to know that would chill further complaints. The justifications in the article, such as that the girls had not requested confidentiality, seemed pretty weak. I believe that many of the crew parents did not have all the facts, but that one fairly recent decision by the Board members seems pretty indefensible given that these concerns had been raised before.

Anonymous wrote:As for the parents who claim they didn't see it: most parents don't want to believe something like this could happen to their kids. Many don't have any kind of experience, personally or professionally, with sexual predators. And plenty are SO horrified by the thought that they bury their heads in the sand rather than learn the signs. Couple that with the uber-competitive nature of many parents in this area, and, yeah, it's easy to see how it happened.

Anonymous wrote:
People seem to be making the assumption that parents who push their kids into the "best" academics and the most competitive sports are caring, observant parents, but usually, they're doing so out of their own self-interest.

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone given a good reason why the Board handed over the letter of complaint to the Coach this past summer (before he was arrested)? Anyone had to know that would chill further complaints. The justifications in the article, such as that the girls had not requested confidentiality, seemed pretty weak. I believe that many of the crew parents did not have all the facts, but that one fairly recent decision by the Board members seems pretty indefensible given that these concerns had been raised before.

Anonymous wrote:I’m still stuck on letting a grown man take all these girls to Airbnb’s for out of town trips with no other adults/parents present. No one working with children should be given this kind of access. There were signs that he was inappropriate and the signs were completely ignored because parents wanted the status and success and scholarship money more than safety for their children. Period.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please read the board letter to the crew team when they renewed his contract. Talk about willful blindness between the school admin, the board, the parents and the joke of an HR investigator these girls has no chance. They left them to fend for themselves with a child predator.

Yes. I'm a parent at a different Bethesda HS; this case is just horrifying. And the responsibility isn't just with the abuser himself - it's with the Whitman administration and the parents who turned a blind eye to what they explicitly understood was deeply problematic behavior by an adult entrusted with the supervision of young women. I'm totally disgusted.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good questions from PP. Whitman rowing parent, it appears that you did not read the Post article from today? It makes very clear that the board parents knew perfectly well that there were several years worth of allegations from multiple girls discussing the toxic team environment, favoritism, and verbal abuse from Shipley. Even the lam-o investigator confirmed this in both of her investigations. It sounds like the board and investigator also knew there were allegations of inappropriate sexual behavior as well, if not the horrifying facts that have now come to light. The article made clear that there were 4 board members who had been there for years; they absolutely knew what was going on and absolutely bear blame for allowing Shipley to continue to have access to all these kids.

You say it wasn’t about the parents’ college admissions dreams for their girls, but I find that very hard to believe. Why else did parents allow him to turn a one-season club sport into an almost year round one with a schedule more grueling than most college programs? I’m not blaming you or any parent other than the ones on the board who willfully turned a blind eye to Shipley’s many abuses for what happened to the sexual assault victims. But I don’t understand how parents (or school officials) allowed the girls to participate in this clearly bizarre cult-of-Shipley situation year after year.

I read the article, but I see it through a different lens than you do.

I recognize that you find it hard to believe what I'm saying about scholarships and winning.

But it's the truth.

I am completely willing to believe that you or any other random Whitman rowing parent not in the inner circle had no idea that Shipley was an emotional abuser or predator. But you are really out of line with your comments about the Board. The article makes clear that several of them knew perfectly well that this guy was creating a very toxic environment at the very minimum, and they clearly had zero interest in protecting the girls who got together to write the letter.

I still cannot wrap my head around the fact that he turned this club into an extraordinarily grueling year-long exercise of the sort most D1 coaches would find over the top, and no parents apparently said a peep about it other than the couple brave dissenters mentioned in the article.

As a parent, no way I would have let my daughter participate knowing it.

These things happen as coaches and others know the parents aren't involved or don't care and its all about the parents wishes/needs.

I don't get where MCPS/principal was.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good questions from PP. Whitman rowing parent, it appears that you did not read the Post article from today? It makes very clear that the board parents knew perfectly well that there were several years worth of allegations from multiple girls discussing the toxic team environment, favoritism, and verbal abuse from Shipley. Even the lam-o investigator confirmed this in both of her investigations. It sounds like the board and investigator also knew there were allegations of inappropriate sexual behavior as well, if not the horrifying facts that have now come to light. The article made clear that there were 4 board members who had been there for years; they absolutely knew what was going on and absolutely bear blame for allowing Shipley to continue to have access to all these kids.

You say it wasn’t about the parents’ college admissions dreams for their girls, but I find that very hard to believe. Why else did parents allow him to turn a one-season club sport into an almost year round one with a schedule more grueling than most college programs? I’m not blaming you or any parent other than the ones on the board who willfully turned a blind eye to Shipley’s many abuses for what happened to the sexual assault victims. But I don’t understand how parents (or school officials) allowed the girls to participate in this clearly bizarre cult-of-Shipley situation year after year.

I read the article, but I see it through a different lens than you do.

I recognize that you find it hard to believe what I'm saying about scholarships and winning.

But it's the truth.

I am completely willing to believe that you or any other random Whitman rowing parent not in the inner circle had no idea that Shipley was an emotional abuser or predator. But you are really out of line with your comments about the Board. The article makes clear that several of them knew perfectly well that this guy was creating a very toxic environment at the very minimum, and they clearly had zero interest in protecting the girls who got together to write the letter.

I still cannot wrap my head around the fact that he turned this club into an extraordinarily grueling year-long exercise of the sort most D1 coaches would find over the top, and no parents apparently said a peep about it other than the couple brave dissenters mentioned in the article.

I'm not out of line about in my comments about the board.
What I'm saying is the truth.
I'm sorry you find it so unsatisfying.

Anonymous wrote:Hey Whitman rowing parent: I believe you.

I believe this:

It was because normal people cannot imagine the kind of behavior described

A decade ago, I sent my ex-husband packing when I learned that he had carried on an affair of many years with another woman.

Five years.

I wasn't "willfully blind."

I was intentionally and deliberately misled.

I was deceived and lied to.

and because I am a decent-enough person -- and sure, a little naive, still -- I don't imagine the worst about people.

I believed my ex-husband was at work.

This coach... There is a reason we call them "predators." They are cunning. They have tried, true methods. They operate by stealth and are skilled at covering their tracks. The longer they evade detection, the more effective they become: Because there is nothing out of the ordinary. It's just how he is. How he has always been. It's normal.

They are master manipulators. That is how they operate. They are charming and charismatic and very skilled at identifying and exploiting others' vulnerabilities. And creating vulnerability -- the better to exploit you all with, my dear.

Whitman rowing parent, everyone loves to think that it wouldn't happen to them, that they would have been the wiser, would not have been so easily duped.

You know better. So do I.

You would never in a million years intentionally put your child in danger (for a scholarship?? Are people mad?)

You were deceived, you were manipulated, you were lied to. You were intentionally and deliberately misled.

You were blind, yes. And now that everything is out in the open -- well, of course it seems unfathomable that you couldn't see it before.

We have an astonishing ability to see things in ways that match up with our expectations. And I know how awful it feels to have missed such a danger, knowing he was hiding in plain sight, all along.

Focus on healing, now. Sending love to you and your community.