Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous



You get this type of sports culture when parents treat the coach like a king to curry as much favor as possible so the kid gets fair or preferential treatment. So the coach can make any demands and set the penalties. Parents create this to some extent.

And what about the way brides act? What kind of culture is that?

Quote me some comments the OP has posted that is considered "the way brides act." The niece bailed on the wedding. She was IN the wedding. The wedding was planned. Are you saying the bride can't come here and vent a little?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous



You get this type of sports culture when parents treat the coach like a king to curry as much favor as possible so the kid gets fair or preferential treatment. So the coach can make any demands and set the penalties. Parents create this to some extent.

And what about the way brides act? What kind of culture is that?

WTF are you even talking about?
Super Bowl drinking fest started a little early for you?

Anonymous



You get this type of sports culture when parents treat the coach like a king to curry as much favor as possible so the kid gets fair or preferential treatment. So the coach can make any demands and set the penalties. Parents create this to some extent.

And what about the way brides act? What kind of culture is that?

Anonymous wrote:You get this type of sports culture when parents treat the coach like a king to curry as much favor as possible so the kid gets fair or preferential treatment. So the coach can make any demands and set the penalties. Parents create this to some extent.

Agree, the fact the PP mom with the daughter who got chewed out for coming to the hospital with her never said anything to the coach says more about her than it does the coach.

You get this type of sports culture when parents treat the coach like a king to curry as much favor as possible so the kid gets fair or preferential treatment. So the coach can make any demands and set the penalties. Parents create this to some extent.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When one of my kids was 14, she was penalized for missing one (JV) high school game to come to the hospital when I was having breast lumps removed and worried I had cancer (thankfully I did not). I thought it was shitty of the coach but didn't say a word. It also wasn't something life threatening, I realize..I said it was ok for her to go to the game but she decided to come for the surgery instead. She wasn't kicked off the team but wasn't allowed to play a game or two and was chewed out for missing one.single.game. She did later go on to college with a full athletic scholarship for her sport.
Anyway, yeah it sucks he may miss the wedding but just let it go and don't worry about it OP

This is INSANE. It's beyond any kind of proportion. Penalizing a child for wanting to be near a parent in such a serious situation... wow.

Shit like this is the reason why I will never, ever put a child of mine in sports of any kind. They can exercise by playing outdoors, they can go to a gym when they're old enough if that's their thing, but I don't want anything to do with the kind of madness you describe. Anything *remotely* like that is poisonous and I don't ever want it in the mind of any child of mine.

Look, don't throw the baby out with the bathwater. Because the PP's daughter's coach was an obvious idiot, I wouldn't ban your kid from sports based on stories such as this. I'm the PP who's DS plays football at Stanford and I can tell you NONE of his coaches throughout the years would have EVER done something like what the PP describes. From the earliest days of 3rd grade Pop Warner to Coach Shaw, my son has never been chewed out or benched because he missed a game due to a family emergency or major event. While the PP complains about it she wasn't willing to say anything and she kept her DD on the team thereby implying the behavior was OK. Its complacent parents that allow these toxic coaches to keep on 'coaching'.

Final thought on that. In Baltimore there is a school called St Paul's School for Girls where sports are huge. Everyone has to play them I believe and they have a trillion gorgeous fields for all sports. But for the MS and HS kids, guess what, they have the A team, the B team, the C team and I think the D team and everyone gets to play and get benefits of team and sports. Now of course the school is a trillion dollars.

Forgot to say that of course at the high school level these opportunities become less. But there are "soccer mom" type leagues or pickup games. I always think that non-team sports are handy for this reason. Any kid or adult can find a friend and play tennis, no matter how bad you are. And tennis is good for that bc you can also take lessons or clinics or be in leagues at varying levels including completely sucky and just there for the after match drinks or new friends.

There are plenty of sports recreational teams, PP, that are all about fun and not at all about competition or achieving any greater end besides teamwork and fun and learning a new skill. Kids can have a blast at these w/o any of the stuff being posted about here. These teams have parents as coaches. Many people aren't interested in this but some are. A friend of mine had her daughter start soccer on this type of team at the age of 11 (oh the horror) when she is really not very athletic and had never played a sport. She's having a blast.

So I agree with your statement about the kid and the hospital and think that's absurd at any level, but your conclusion and sweeping takeaway is also a bit absurd.

Anonymous wrote:When one of my kids was 14, she was penalized for missing one (JV) high school game to come to the hospital when I was having breast lumps removed and worried I had cancer (thankfully I did not). I thought it was shitty of the coach but didn't say a word. It also wasn't something life threatening, I realize..I said it was ok for her to go to the game but she decided to come for the surgery instead. She wasn't kicked off the team but wasn't allowed to play a game or two and was chewed out for missing one.single.game. She did later go on to college with a full athletic scholarship for her sport.
Anyway, yeah it sucks he may miss the wedding but just let it go and don't worry about it OP

This is INSANE. It's beyond any kind of proportion. Penalizing a child for wanting to be near a parent in such a serious situation... wow.

Shit like this is the reason why I will never, ever put a child of mine in sports of any kind. They can exercise by playing outdoors, they can go to a gym when they're old enough if that's their thing, but I don't want anything to do with the kind of madness you describe. Anything *remotely* like that is poisonous and I don't ever want it in the mind of any child of mine.

Have a wonderful wedding day!

OP here. It's not that kind of wedding (or that kind of family) at all. But agreed as to moving on and not taking it with me. Beyond that initial couple days of surprise, there's nothing to be gained from staying anywhere on the spectrum of momentarily slightly perturbed all the way to permanent outrage. It's not my decision and it's not the end of the world. I just think, knowing my family, and how intimate this is that we want these two kids there, since they are (to me) central people to this little and close family. And, based on other family events we've had (e.g., my sister's wedding and births and graduations), these types of things (makes no
difference whose event it is) really are bonding experiences and (as someone else said) part of the fabric that makes our family. Sounds dramatic but that's kinda how my whole family sees it. I think there's more going on with this particular kid so that my sister doesn't see the choice as game vs wedding/significant family event.

Anyway, onward and upward. Thanks again.

Anonymous wrote:The sister should break off all contact with this horrible OP. What ever happened to wedding being about the people getting married? The wedding culture enablers are a serious problem as shown in this thread. What a bunch of losers.

I hope you're being a sarcastic but I think your point is a good one, albeit extreme. Some weddings (like mine) are explicitly "kid free"- should parents of children be GREATLY offended because the bride and groom didn't want to celebrate their day with their little snowflake? As others have said- in time you'll realize that your wedding isn't the most important day of your life. Your dress will be forgotten in your closet for years, you won't look at the pictures after your first anniversary, you won't remember the DJ, the meal, the invites, the party favors, or the stuff on your registry. Except for the plates you use every day.

The kid is 14, likely won't have a good time, and the bride will talk to him for maybe 30 seconds, a little more if they have a <gasp> dollar dance.

Spare your outrage for real problems.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The sister should break off all contact with this horrible OP. What ever happened to wedding being about the people getting married? The wedding culture enablers are a serious problem as shown in this thread. What a bunch of losers.

Yes even though her daughter was in the wedding, already said they could all go, invites sent and now are bailing because of a pre-season soccer tournament. Sure she should break off with the horrible OP who is upset. How dare she have a wedding planned that OP's sister already said she would go and her daughter would be a part of. But..... a pre-season tournament came up. Sports comes first. How does she not know this????

HUH?
The only one not coming is the nephew -- what thread are you responding to??

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reality check:
I know in this case, I'd let my kid choose, and be very surprised if he chose a wedding over his sport.

Is this really what modern parenting is?

I was raised that family was actually importent. Had I, a 14 year old, decided trying to go varsity was more importent then a reletive's wedding, my dad would whoop my ass.

OP: the fact your sister is letting her son bail shows just how much she cares about you and your wedding. Use it to decide whether her and family will be invited to other family events.

+1000

Oh yea, nephew does not come so her sister does not care about her.
How asinine is that??!
Stuff happens everyone cannot come to every family member's event.
Some of you are truly exacting about what is acceptable .
Geez calm down.. Sister is coming
Try being happy about that

Honestly, as PP, if someone decided that some damn soccer match was more important then my wedding, I would be greatly offended.

Greatly offended?

I'm with the stuff happens poster. I don't waste my time getting "greatly offended" about things like this. Yes, it would be better if the kid came to the wedding. But "greatly offended"? I would be damned if I would let something so secondary dampen my enthusiasm for my own wedding. It just isn't worth it. I am not the center of my nephew's universe. I offend my SIL all the time, and she me (we have absolutely nothing in common and don't understand each other at all). Isn't it great, though, that the two of us are committed to keep on trying and to keep on being loving? Isn't it great that we just shrug and move on? Life is way, way, way too short for "greatly offended," or to use this as a litmus test of the sister's love.

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