Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok guys. Here’s our group. How are you handling this? What has worked; what hasn’t? How will we go on in this situation? Let’s discuss.

Can anyone explain why a man created this support group for men, but it turned into 35 pages of responses written by women, attacking men?

There is an apparently small but vocal group of women on DCUM who are committed to the view that sex is an entirely discretionary part of marriage, the lack of which men are not even entitled to feel negatively about. This seems to me to be a small group of women—most of the women here are more sensible—but they never sleep. This is hard on some of the men who post here, because I think there is some meaningful overlap between the sets of “men who are not getting sex from their wives” and “men who are posting to a largely-female message board seeking support.”

The ultimate truth is that either your marriage works for you or it doesn’t, and that’s a choice you and you alone must make. In the case of a man not getting enough sex, I believe that he has an obligation to ensure that he is in good physical condition and is generally holding up his end of the marriage. I think in most cases that really does resolve the issue. But there are cases where it does not correct the situation and the situation is in fact not fixable. In some cases, its a health problem; in some cases its an aging/hormonal issue; and in some cases its a situation where the woman never was into sex in general or sex with her DH in particular and kind of glossed over that reality. Each of these requires a different response, in my opinion, and candidly it can be hard to get an honest account of what is truly going on from one’s DW. Counseling is likely a good place to start in most cases; for the man in this kind of counseling it will be incumbent upon him to keep the sex issue front-and-center, as there will be a tendency to sweep it under the rug or work on other aspects of the marriage in order to supposedly improve that issue indirectly.

I think a lot of guys in the low- or no-sex scenario tend towards being passive aggressive or whiny about it, which only makes things worse. But it’s ok to directly and forthrightly state your position: “This isn’t working for me and we need to fix it” is a totally legitimate form of self-advocacy.

Anonymous wrote:Spend money to have chores outsourced.
Spend money on having good and nutritious keto/carnivorous diet.
Spend money on making the entire family healthy.

Middle aged husband not having sex is a function of poor physical and mental health.

No, it is a function of women believing that sex is something that is to be given to someone, not something that is shared between people.

But, another weird bump of a many-year old thread.

Anonymous wrote:Ok guys. Here’s our group. How are you handling this? What has worked; what hasn’t? How will we go on in this situation? Let’s discuss.

Can anyone explain why a man created this support group for men, but it turned into 35 pages of responses written by women, attacking men?

Spend money to have chores outsourced.
Spend money on having good and nutritious keto/carnivorous diet.
Spend money on making the entire family healthy.

Middle aged husband not having sex is a function of poor physical and mental health.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men: sigh. I’m in an unfixable sexless marriage.

Women: here’s what we want!

Men: nah. Sigh. Poor me. I’m in an unfixable situation

It probably seems that way, but remember sex drive is so individual so what would work for you wouldn't work for my wife. I know because I tried. But some of the advice is well-intended, and appreciated.

If you really tried creating the space for your wife to feel enthusiastic for sex and it wasn’t successful you have my deep sympathy. It is true that sex drive is idiosyncratic. My advice is based on myself, and also things other women have told me (fatigue and stress being libido killers for women in a way they aren’t for men) but I do know nothing is universal.

I dislike these answers so much. "I'm to tired for sex" generally isn't actually truthful communication. The issue is that a person who says that views sex with their partner as a chore. That just isn't healthy. To illustrate:

Me: I'm stressed out and suffering. The current situation makes me feel undesirable and depressed. What can I do to make this better?

Wife: I'm too tired and stressed out! I work full time and do all the housework!

Me: (takes over more of the house work to try and help, but nothing improves ) it's been months and I do not feel like the situation has improved. Is it me?

Wife: Well, my job is just so stressful! You don't understand! Maybe if you put on more effort!

Me: (Loses 80 lbs, dresses nicer, does all the little thinks, she says I never do.) I'm more stressed out than I was before. There is still no improvement and I'm now running my life at full tilt trying to keep up with everything you want. Please... I'm making myself sick. What can I do?

Wife: My job is too stressful to want sex! And you're not spending enough time with me!

Me: (busts my ass even more doubles my income so she can quit her job) I'm doing my best here. I've given you everything you ever asked for and I'm still feeling locked out and undesired.

Wife: well now I'm stressed out because I'm financially dependent on you! Plus now I do things around the house all day! Still too stressed!

Me: I will hire a housekeeper if that would help.

Wife: You do it! Why waste money on a housekeeper!

Me: Because I can't do it. I'm working myself to death.

Wife: why should that stop you from doing something!


Me trying to find help: I love my wife. I don't want her to feel pressured and I'm killing myself trying to find a solution.

The world: HAVE YOU EVER BOTHERED TO THINK OF HER NEEDS!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think people are a lot less forgiving when their partner's body hasn't failed them. Just their brain. These discussions are less about medical issues of the body than they are about mental health issues.

Yep, if my wife had a medical reason, it's understandable. As it is, I am just an unf-able loser in her eyes.

This is what makes men cheat.

If you’re an unf-able loser to your wife, what makes you think anyone else will want you?

Are you being serious? I have an AP so she does.

Honestly, part of the reason men like me cheat is because it's an ego boost

I don’t see what’s so exciting about being desired by a damaged or deeply insecure woman, but okay.

Not really uncommon for a wife to get bored with her husband and another woman (no need for her to be damaged or insecure) to think he's f**kable. Goes to show that the wife's lack of interest isn't necessarily a reflection on the husband. It's not that the wife is being malicious either. She didn't chose to become less interested. Lack of novelty just works that way.

Exactly my situation. It's just some people aren't wired for monogamy but you don't know it until year 15 of marriage

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think people are a lot less forgiving when their partner's body hasn't failed them. Just their brain. These discussions are less about medical issues of the body than they are about mental health issues.

Yep, if my wife had a medical reason, it's understandable. As it is, I am just an unf-able loser in her eyes.

This is what makes men cheat.

If you’re an unf-able loser to your wife, what makes you think anyone else will want you?

Are you being serious? I have an AP so she does.

Honestly, part of the reason men like me cheat is because it's an ego boost

I don’t see what’s so exciting about being desired by a damaged or deeply insecure woman, but okay.

Name-calling aside, sometimes people in similar situations just fine each other.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think people are a lot less forgiving when their partner's body hasn't failed them. Just their brain. These discussions are less about medical issues of the body than they are about mental health issues.

Yep, if my wife had a medical reason, it's understandable. As it is, I am just an unf-able loser in her eyes.

This is what makes men cheat.

If you’re an unf-able loser to your wife, what makes you think anyone else will want you?

Are you being serious? I have an AP so she does.

Honestly, part of the reason men like me cheat is because it's an ego boost

I don’t see what’s so exciting about being desired by a damaged or deeply insecure woman, but okay.

Not really uncommon for a wife to get bored with her husband and another woman (no need for her to be damaged or insecure) to think he's f**kable. Goes to show that the wife's lack of interest isn't necessarily a reflection on the husband. It's not that the wife is being malicious either. She didn't chose to become less interested. Lack of novelty just works that way.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think people are a lot less forgiving when their partner's body hasn't failed them. Just their brain. These discussions are less about medical issues of the body than they are about mental health issues.

Yep, if my wife had a medical reason, it's understandable. As it is, I am just an unf-able loser in her eyes.

This is what makes men cheat.

If you’re an unf-able loser to your wife, what makes you think anyone else will want you?

Are you being serious? I have an AP so she does.

Honestly, part of the reason men like me cheat is because it's an ego boost

I don’t see what’s so exciting about being desired by a damaged or deeply insecure woman, but okay.

Anonymous wrote:I try to do more chores.

That's my love language right there -- acts of service.

I don't want massages, jewelry, going to dinners or vacation, but if you're carpooling the kids, vacuuming the dog hair or doing the dishes, I'll be all over you line a cheap suit!

Lucky my husband realizes this and can't help out enough, lol.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think people are a lot less forgiving when their partner's body hasn't failed them. Just their brain. These discussions are less about medical issues of the body than they are about mental health issues.

Yep, if my wife had a medical reason, it's understandable. As it is, I am just an unf-able loser in her eyes.

This is what makes men cheat.

How have you tried to fix the situation?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think people are a lot less forgiving when their partner's body hasn't failed them. Just their brain. These discussions are less about medical issues of the body than they are about mental health issues.

Yep, if my wife had a medical reason, it's understandable. As it is, I am just an unf-able loser in her eyes.

This is what makes men cheat.

If you’re an unf-able loser to your wife, what makes you think anyone else will want you?

Are you being serious? I have an AP so she does.

Honestly, part of the reason men like me cheat is because it's an ego boost

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think people are a lot less forgiving when their partner's body hasn't failed them. Just their brain. These discussions are less about medical issues of the body than they are about mental health issues.

Yep, if my wife had a medical reason, it's understandable. As it is, I am just an unf-able loser in her eyes.

This is what makes men cheat.

If you’re an unf-able loser to your wife, what makes you think anyone else will want you?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think people are a lot less forgiving when their partner's body hasn't failed them. Just their brain. These discussions are less about medical issues of the body than they are about mental health issues.

Yep, if my wife had a medical reason, it's understandable. As it is, I am just an unf-able loser in her eyes.

This is what makes men cheat.

As opposed to trying NOT to be an unf-able loser…? Maybe change yourself in some way to make yourself more attractive to your wife…?

No, no, you’re right. Just cheat. Waaaaay easier for you.

Anonymous wrote:I think people are a lot less forgiving when their partner's body hasn't failed them. Just their brain. These discussions are less about medical issues of the body than they are about mental health issues.

Yep, if my wife had a medical reason, it's understandable. As it is, I am just an unf-able loser in her eyes.

This is what makes men cheat.