I don’t think it’s the parents’ fault. I think my parents would have always let the adult children move back in, and they’ve given a lot of financial assistance along the way (easily afforded and part of estate planning, but also when needed). Nobody was ever back home for more than short stretches early on in their twenties.

Not sure if those are diagnoses. I have a family member who is a therapist… yet is one of the enablers in my vent here: Instead of my adult child taking healthy guidance, he accuses me of talking down to him. When I offer advice on budgeting, he disregards it but expects me to be his personal bank every week, sometimes more frequently. When I explained how I felt used and unappreciated until he needed something, he disowned me. He hasn’t spoken to me in months. I’m no longer allowed to know anything about him or my grandchild. My family enables him and his fiancé by providing for them. Instead of supporting me in teaching them how to survive independently and not rely on others’ money to support them, even though he earns enough to support himself, his fiancé, and their child, my son and his fiancé engage in fiduciary abuse by guilt-tripping family members to pay for their needs and wants. They’re ungrateful and rude, expecting things to be handed to them. My grandmother instilled this entitlement in my children when they were young, but she continues to cater to my son, even after I’ve asked her and other family members to help me teach them and guide them toward becoming responsible adults. #
Entitled Adult Dependent Syndrome #Estranged Families #Failure to Launch Syndrome

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:21:40 here and I agree wholeheartedly with PP. If you’re in group 3, talk therapy won’t fix this the child or sibling. (Although it might be helpful for you, just to process it all ).

A hopeful person here that some combination of cognitive behavior therapy and new meds will get my child back on track.

I'm the PP with the kid in college who worries about this possibility.

I didn't mean to imply that CBT or DBT plus meds don't ever work. They do. They can make a huge difference for many people. They've made a huge difference for many people I know, and so far seem to be helping my son. Already he's far surpassing family members in previous generations with the same diagnosis, in terms of his ability to do things like hold a paying job. So, I think you have every reason to be hopeful.

But just like any other life threatening disease, the fact that some people find cures or solutions that let them live productive lives doesn't mean that the people who aren't cured, or their parents are doing something wrong. It means that these diseases look different in each person, and what works is different for each person. Some people might find success with the first thing they tried. Some, like my kid (I hope) might find success with the 10th thing they tried. And some may not find it ever or for a very long time.

Anonymous wrote:This is hilarious. Kick their ass out of the house and tell them to get a job!

What is “hilarious” is how self righteous & ignorant you are are when it comes to mental health issues. Educate yourself!

Anonymous wrote:21:40 here and I agree wholeheartedly with PP. If you’re in group 3, talk therapy won’t fix this the child or sibling. (Although it might be helpful for you, just to process it all ).

A hopeful person here that some combination of cognitive behavior therapy and new meds will get my child back on track.

21:40 here and I agree wholeheartedly with PP. If you’re in group 3, talk therapy won’t fix this the child or sibling. (Although it might be helpful for you, just to process it all ).

If they're worth their salt, they'll tell you that most such cases involve intractable mental health issues on the part of the younger person, despite the possible existence of diagnoses, treatments, and management attempts by parents.

And there is no magic solution, OP.

^^ PP still here — Even though everyone here is making fun of group one and disparaging the parents, OP I really hope that that is your situation more or less. Because Group 3 is heartbreaking for everyone involved, even though as a parent or sibling you carry on with a cheerful, or at least calm and neutral, way. But believe me it’s hard on everyone.

Look, some young adults in their parents’ home are lazy and entitled and clueless, others are industrious and are saving their money and being smart, and others have mental illnesses, whether diagnosed or not.

If your child or sibling falls into the latter, you need to be very clear eyed about it, and have a special trust set up in place for when their parents have passed away, and signed them up for Medicaid, and also apply for SSI disability (which can require them at least having an apartment address on their own Even if they spend a lot of time at their parents home

Anonymous wrote:Parents are mainly to blame but the dependent adult child often resists therapy for their issue (again, could be severe anxiety, depression, etc). These parents typically refuse to kick their child out due to guilt or fear that the child will harm themselves or others. I know for some of you out there this is laughable, and on some level I get it, but I am really hoping to find referrals to someone who has expertise in this area.

As a parent of a young adult (currently at college) with severe mental illness, I have trouble with the idea that parents are "to blame". I have no idea what the future holds for my kid, right now he's on an upward trajectory, but the idea that it's as simple as kicking him out is absurd. My kid's illness clearly has a genetic component. Other close relatives with similar diagnoses have experienced homelessness, and long term hospitalization. I'm not sure that's a better outcome.

If my kid had a different diagnosis that prevented him from living independently as a young adult, such as Down syndrome, or CP, people wouldn't blame me for allowing him to stay home. Why do we make different assumptions for people with severe mental illness.

Anonymous wrote:Is this your child? You don’t need a therapist. You need to parent. Tell man child that he hasn’t until x date to get out of your house. He needs to get a job. On that date, help him move out. If hesso incompetent that he doesn’t know howto find a place to live, help him get a place with roommates. The crappier the better. Do not pay for it. On that day, take his cell phone off your plan. Stop paying for car insurance and take back the car you own that he drives. It’s tough love.

Great. Then you have yet another mentally fragile person on the street who sooner or later consumes public resources. Taxpayers will thank you.

Anonymous wrote:Is this your child? You don’t need a therapist. You need to parent. Tell man child that he hasn’t until x date to get out of your house. He needs to get a job. On that date, help him move out. If hesso incompetent that he doesn’t know howto find a place to live, help him get a place with roommates. The crappier the better. Do not pay for it. On that day, take his cell phone off your plan. Stop paying for car insurance and take back the car you own that he drives. It’s tough love.

THE PERSON IN QUESTION IS OP’s SISTER, NOT HER CHILD! Please read the thread and stop being a jerk. She’s trying to help and y’all are shaming her for no reason.

Is this your child? You don’t need a therapist. You need to parent. Tell man child that he hasn’t until x date to get out of your house. He needs to get a job. On that date, help him move out. If hesso incompetent that he doesn’t know howto find a place to live, help him get a place with roommates. The crappier the better. Do not pay for it. On that day, take his cell phone off your plan. Stop paying for car insurance and take back the car you own that he drives. It’s tough love.

It makes me sad to see so many people making fun of this when almost always there is an issue of mental illness.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. This is an extremely embarrassing and humiliating problem. I see why some think it's funny. Vast majority of young adults move on to independence but some can't do it because of a toxic combination of poor parenting + unaddressed psychological issues. It's what 11:49 said.

I feel for you. My childhood best friend is 42 and due to a series of poor life choices and untreated mental health issues, lives with her mother. I worry so much for her. I have no idea how she will support herself in old age. She’s been working temp jobs for a decade while continuing to apply for permanent jobs that are way beyond her experience. She won’t listen to my advice to apply for lower level positions and work her way up in an organization.